The Real Housewives of New York
“Reunion, Part 3”
September 17, 2020
The final hour of the reunion begins with what Andy Cohen describes as the “anthropological experience” of watching the show, but is really about each of the women’s ticks:
Ramona: Says sorry a lot
Sonja: Talks about “catching a dick” … a whole lot
The Countess: Herds the women around a lot
Dorinda: Says “Here’s the thing” and “can you imagine” a lot
Leah: Is a sniffer
A viewer says that Dorinda has a “very European way of speaking,” and wonders if it comes from her time living in London, and Dorinda and I both wonder what the fuck Viewer is talking about.
Another viewer asks The Countess about keeping the women “on track” and she laughs that she is often tasked with wrangling the women in addition to being Sonja’s “snatch guard.”
Someone asks if there are any two more meaningless words than “I’m sorry” when they come from Ramona and everyone is like, “It’s true, tho.” And as for Sonja’s “catching dick” refrain, she claims it stemmed from the fact that she wasn’t getting any, so it was weighing heavily on her mind. They also talk about the singular dick pic that Sonja has ever received, which, shockingly, was a wrong number, and everything about this story makes absolutely no sense.
Andy Cohen then introduces the next montage: “Ramona: What a Shitty Friend, Amirite?”
A viewer asks if Ramona behaves differently in the Hamptons than she does the city, and adds that it seems like the sole reason she goes to the Hamptons is to be “seen.” Ramona argues that she happens to have a lot of “girlfriends” out in the Hamptons and a ton of dinner parties to attend there. What that has to do with anything is unclear.
Another viewer asks if Ramona has always been a “double booker,” and asks about her leaving her OWN HOME where she was HOSTING GUESTS to go to a SOMEONE ELSE’S PARTY, but Ramona huffs that she knew the other women didn’t want to go to her friend’s party so what’s the big deal about leaving them there to crash out and destroy her home?
Andy Cohen notes that the whole “50 friends” thing seems to be a trigger for Sonja, and Ramona begins yelling at Sonja, demanding to know when was the last time she spent any time with Pamela Morgan. And I assume Ramona is talking about Pamela Morgan, “lifestyle expert” and the woman in this fucking HILARIOUS photo:
… and not Pamela Morgan, Canadian folk singer. But whichever Pamela Morgan Ramona is referencing, Sonja is NOT HAVING IT, and stands up to scream at Ramona to, and I quote, “STFU.”
Sonja then begins screaming at Ramona, asking her where all these so-called friends of hers going to be when it’s just the two of them drinking 2-for-1 martinis at Burger Heaven, and … wait … is that a thing? A burger joint that sells 2-for-1 martinis where Sonja Morgan would deign to hang out?
~Googles Burger Heaven, sees that Burger Heaven was indeed a thing on the Upper East Side, but that it closed down in February because of the pandemic, lies down on the floor and stares at the ceiling for a while~
But seriously, is Sonja Morgan going to make it out of this pandemic OK? It feels like her entire world is collapsing on itself…
Sonja then adds that all those “friends” are just the “pocketbook fund,” and do you know what Sonja said to the $100 pocketbook fee?
A viewer asks the other women by a show of hands, who DOESN’T think Ramona sounds like an asshole when she talks about her 50-60 friends, and no one raises their hand because of course not.
Andy Cohen asks Dorinda what’s wrong with a 63-year-old woman throwing herself a birthday party, and Dorinda calmly explains that it seems “insincere.” Ramona then tries to compare her lavish party with Dorinda’s intimate dinner for about 10 friends and everyone is like, “Oh, get off it.”
A viewer asks Leah about throwing shade regarding Ramona’s “fake” Gucci bag, and Leah is like, “Well, it was fake.” Leah then makes fun of Ramona for FREAKING OUT at her birthday party when she received the Gucci bag as if she’s never seen a purse before.
Another viewer asks Ramona why she would ever call a friend heavy, the way she did with Sonja, and Ramona tries to argue she did point out Sonja’s weight gain because that’s just how good a friend she is.
Sonja reveals that she began eating and gaining weight even more after Ramona criticized her, ultimately gaining about 15 pounds. Ramona points out that Sonja has since lost 27 pounds, and Sonja huffs that it took “going to the desert and connecting with [her] spiritual side.” And also, colonics.
A viewer asks Dorinda about giving Elyse — who apparently will not be making an appearance in this reunion, presumably because of the virus, and not because Ramona forbade it — a hard time for defending Ramona, when Sonja is constantly defending her. Dorinda explains that Elyse kept coming to Leah and herself complaining about Ramona’s behavior, and she never understood what their falling out was even about.
Andy Cohen asks Ramona to clarify, and she calls Elyse a “black widow” whom she should have never trusted. Andy Cohen realizes that Ramona brought Elyse on the show to serve as her personal backup, and then felt like she wasn’t loyal enough to her. It was all transactional: Ramona gets Elyse on the show/Elyse kisses Ramona’s ass and sides with her on everything, no questions asked. But then someone didn’t hold up her end of the agreement.
A viewer points out that Ramona accuses Sonja, Dorinda, and Elyse of being friends only when it’s convenient and accuses her of being “in her own world and everyone else is just living in it.” Ramona answers with some nonsense about how she surrounds herself with “happy” people who bring happiness. Dorinda points out that’s not real friendship, that’s called an acquaintence.
Andy Cohen asks the women how they’re feeling about Ramona, and Sonja shrugs that they’re family, whaddya gonna do, while Leah promises to never destroy her backyard again. Ramona cackles that she does want Leah to get naked, though … which … wait, go back … what? What was that? What are you even talking about, you weirdo?
Is this you?
MAKE UP YOUR MIND, WOMAN.
Andy Cohen introduces the “Sonja Morgan Is Finally Pulling Her Shit Together (Maybe!)” montage, after which he congratulates her on her successful clothing line’s debut at Century 21. Sonja agrees that it has been a long road, but that it’s a very satisfying place to be in, and her daughter is proud of her. Sonja explains that she has taught her daughter that setbacks are not “mistakes,” they’re “experiences” and that through all those other ventures, she built relationships that led her to this place. Sonja adds that her online stock has sold out, but retail is having a tough time of it.
Yeah, about that …
As for the famous townhouse, she had put it on the market for $10.75 million but recently reduced the price to $8.5 because it just wasn’t getting any traction.
Yeah, again, about that …
Leah asks if she can visit the townhouse before Sonja sells it, and Andy Cohen jumps in, too: he’s never been inside, he’d love a tour before she sells off a piece of Real Housewives history. And I finally have some good news — for Leah and Andy, at least — the townhouse ain’t going anywhere anytime soon, so they should still have a chance to visit.
Andy Cohen then moves on to the “Dorinda is SO ANGRY!” montage.
A viewer notes that Dorinda began the season telling Sonja that there was nothing “carefree” about her and that she wasn’t nice anymore, and then she went on to prove it. Does she feel like she’s in a better place now? Dorinda explains that she had been overwhelmed with the house and Fudgie and breaking a rib and her dog “Lucy” dying and she just couldn’t catch a break and honestly, she just didn’t want to be there.
Dorinda then turns it on Ramona, claiming that Ramona made Dorinda’s behavior worse because she never once called her outside of the show or took her to dinner, or made any gesture of concern. While Dorinda tearfully accuses Ramona of abandoning her, Ramona reaches into the coffee table between them and pulls out a sheaf of paper, explaining that they are copies of the texts she sent Dorinda every day … (after the show ended). The other women point out that Dorinda is talking about feeling abandoned by her WHILE the show was taping, but Ramona is not hearing it BECAUSE SHE HAS PROOF OF BEING A GOOD PERSON.
Andy Cohen notes that when The Countess tried to talk to Dorinda about what was going on with her in Mexico, she was clearly not ready to hear it, and Leah adds that she was stunned at how calm Dorinda was about her breakup with Fudgie, and thinks she wasn’t being completely honest about her emotions.
Andy Cohen then points out that Dorinda held Tinsley to this weird transparency standard, but now she is here saying that she wanted Ramona to reach out to her outside of the show? Isn’t that … not transparent? Dorinda says she just wanted Ramona to reach out to her, to tell her that she loved her and was there for her.
Ramona’s response is that after Tinsley left the show, she became Dorinda’s punching bag. There was the night when Dorinda came to her apartment for cocktails and said some terrible things (I guess she’s talking about that one night with the ladies we don’t know and everyone screamed at each other in Ramona’s apartment hallway?), and the next day, Dorinda apologized. Then there was the Halloween party when Dorinda was horrible to Ramona, and the next day, DOrinda sent Ramona a text saying that she didn’t want to fight and that she loves her … but Ramona is not allowed to finish her recap fo the season because Dorinda DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR IT since RAMONA USED HER FOR A FREE PARTY AND IS A DIRTY SCAMMER.
Ramona protests that she reached out to Dorinda every day, but then resorts to throwing the printed-out texts at Dorinda’s feet demanding that Dorinda read them, and crying that she “LOVES [DORINDA] WHY IS [SHE] DOING THS?”
The Countess raises her hand and Andy Cohen calls on her to give her own Dorinda testimony. She agrees that they both drank too much in the Berkshires and said hurtful things, but that it was really how Dorinda treated The Countess in Mexico that was the bridge too far for our former noblewoman. Then, when Dorinda went on Watch What Happens Live! and told Andy Cohen that she had no regrets about the things she had said about the Countess? That’s what left The Countess most shocked and hurt.
Dorinda concedes that what she said about The Countess and the arrest and the drinking was unkind and asks if they can go back to where they were when they first met, but The Countess is like, “No, not if you’re always going to be a mean drunk.”
Dorinda orders Ramona to pick up the thrown texts, but instead, Andy Cohen scurries over and scoops them up for his own perusal.
The Countess continues that it’s going to always be a problem if Dorinda insists on hanging on to whatever resentments she has towards her, resentments that Dorinda continues to deny she harbors, to which Andy Cohen is like, “I mean, there’s something going on there, for you to keep bringing up the arrest and the Jovani …” Dorinda has no good response to this very obvious statement.
Andy Cohen then asks Leah for her perspective on all of it, and she again makes it clear that Dorinda has been nothing but kind to her. She then claims that she’d rather deal with someone with anger issues than someone who said the “horrific” things Ramona said about her — which is easy to say as someone who has not been the target of Dorinda’s unhinged wrath. Leah then goes on to say — to a completely incredulous group — that she “doesn’t feel Dorinda hits below the belt.”
A viewer notes that they never heard a single sincere apology from Dorinda all season, but instead a bunch of defensive retorts designed to shut people down, and then asks the women about their theories on why Dorinda was so defensive. Dorinda herself is like, “I’ll handle that one,” before going on to explain that she was in so much pain this season, she felt vulnerable, weak, and wounded. Ramona tries to Ramonasplain to Dorinda how she should have managed her behavior, and Dorinda is like, “YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT, I COULDN’T,” before adding that she should have taken this season off as she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Andy Cohen criticizes the “anger intervention” they attempted to pull on Dorinda in Mexico, and Dorinda insists that Ramona was just using it as an opportunity to “poke the bear” again. Or point out her rank hypocrisy. Potato, potahto.
We circle back around to Dorinda losing her shit in the finale when Leah tried to include Tinsley in her toast, and Leah explains that it bummed her out because she was about to tell the women how much she enjoyed getting to know them and spending time with them, but that the moment was ruined. Dorinda again claims that including Tinsley was “not authentic,” and was irritated to hear her brought up.
A viewer tells Dorinda that he loves her but then adds that it’s OK to admit that you’re wrong sometimes, before asking if there are any moments this season where she felt she was in the wrong. Dorinda absolutely cops to being terrible to The Countess, and adds that she feels bad about her shit fit in the finale. Dorinda then notes that she feels bad that she and Ramona couldn’t work things out because she would hate to lose a 20-year relationship, but that she never really felt like Ramona had her back.
Ramona tells her that she still loves her and threatens that there’s nothing Dorinda can do to get rid of her.
The two agree to try to be friends again and ease their way into another awkward elbow bump.
Andy Cohen then mercifully closes out this mess by asking the women to each name 1. a moment they would like to socially distance from and 2. which other Housewife are they looking forward to hugging again:
Ramona: When she blabbed about Leah’s mental health issues; and she can’t wait to give Dorinda a hug.
Dorinda: Hurting The Countess’ feelings; and she wants to hug everyone.
The Countess: The Berkshires and how she treated Sonja; and she, too wants to hug everyone.
Sonja: Mixing her meds and booze; and she wants to hug Dorinda.
Leah: She would like to socially distance herself from the entire state of Rhode Island; and she wants to hug Ramona because her “Mommy Issues are alive and well.”
And with that, FINALLY, we are done with season 12. Goodbye, Tinsley! Goodbye, Dorinda! Please work on your shit, the both of you! Real Housewives are never actually fired, they live on forever in gifs and on Watch What Happens Live!
As for the rest of you lunatics, I’ll be seeing you all shortly.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.