The Real Housewives of New York
“Remember Your Blue Stone Manners”
July 16, 2020
Previously on The Real Housewives of New York City:
Apparently the women have briefly taken to their separate corners after having a ridiculous fight about The Countess’s cabaret show: Sonja would like to be paid more than $225 for her time; The Countess is pretty sure Sonja wants to steal her show.
(And to be fair …
… Sonja WOULD take over a bitch’s cabaret show if she had any idea how to go about doing so.)
In the meantime, Chinese food has arrived, and to the poor delivery man’s chagrin, Ramona is the only one around to accept it. Please know, sir, that soon enough you’ll be able to just leave food on people’s doorsteps and never ever have to interact with them. It’s coming, I promise.
Dorinda has decided that a gold sequined poncho is appropriate Chinese takeout attire — and you know what? She should put it on because God knows that about three months from when this was filmed, she’s not going to have any other occasion to wear it.
Food is served, thank goodness, and while in the kitchen, Sonja is slurring at The Countess that she has been very supportive of her, while The Countess slurs back that asking “how much are you going to pay me” isn’t being supportive.
Feet away, Ramona is telling Dorinda and Elyse that she’s been advising Sonja to just start her own cabaret show — she used to have one, as a matter of fact, and she did cabaret before anyone else.
That’s when The Countess swoops around the corner and into Ramona’s face, daring her to continue. “I’m listening.”
But Ramona points out the bare facts: Sonja DID do cabaret before The Countess, and we all went through that trauma together.
The Countess protests that it’s not the same thing, and that SHE is a MAJOR CABARET STAR! (And to be fair to The Countess, her show does appear to actually have a little bit of money behind it and is actually produced by professionals unlike whatever the hell it was that Sonja thought she was doing, God bless her.)
Dorinda yells at The Countess to not get on her high horse and to be nicer to Sonja, but The Countess has temporary drunken deafness and is not hearing it. It is HER show, it is called “COUNTESS AND FRIENDS” (to which the other women roll their eyes and are like “yeah, and what about the ‘and friends’ part?) and SHE DOESN’T NEED SONJA SHOWING HER BOOBS AND ASS ON HER STAGE.
The other women note that The Countess is using Sonja for laughs, and barely paying her, and in an interview, Ramona shrugs that The Countess is making a TON of money with this show (is she?) and that she can afford to pay Sonja $2, $3, $4 thousand dollars for her time (can she?).
Dorinda begins screaming at The Countess that Sonja was with her when she was down and out, before deciding to set on fire all of the work she had accomplished fixing her relationship with The Countess after the trip to Colombia two seasons ago, and proceeds to call her a “drunken fool” who has a “mugshot of your drunkness.”
The Countess runs from the table and goes directly to the Fish Room where, sobbing, she packs her things (into a Jovani shopping bag, no less). SHE WILL NOT STAY IN THIS HOUSE, The Countess wails, before heading downstairs to get into an Uber. As she makes her way to the door, Dorinda sings a little “Feeling Jovani” while The Countess yells at her to get over it and calls her a sick human being. There’s a tussle at the door, and as Dorinda is yelling at The Countess that Jovani suits her since it only costs $400, Leah comes rushing outside to figure out what is going on.
Leah is shocked to find The Countess sobbing outside with her suitcases, and realizing that she’s not going to convince her to go back inside, Leah decides that she will go with The Countess to a pub to try to make her feel better. Leah returns to the house to fetch her coat and Ramona — because this job is going to require backup — and she has to literally pull Ramona out of Sonja’s arms.
The Countess, Ramona, and Leah head into town in an Uber, and Sonja, Elyse, and Dorinda go to bed.
Gentle reader: it is 8 p.m.
The next morning, Dorinda is in the kitchen working on breakfast with Ms. Len when Ramona tentatively comes downstairs, wondering how Dorinda is feeling after last night’s explosion. Dorinda is fine, but admits that she only realized that morning that The Countess didn’t sleep there that night, and she knows well enough that she had a bit too much rosé the night before and needs to call The Countess to apologize. Which she does! And miraculously, The Countess accepts her apology, realizing that she, too, had too much rosé
and was also acting like a complete asshole.
Elsewhere in the house, Elyse and Sonja are in a room talking about the night before, and in an interview, Sonja notes that anything said while “partying” is forgiven, but that it does still hurt her feelings that The Countess seems to think that Sonja’s time isn’t as valuable as her own.
Leah then joins them to explain that after she, Ramona, and The Countess left Blue Stone, they went to some old school bar that was playing jazz music and was filled with nonagenarians. Sonja would have loved it. Leah adds that The Countess clearly wanted to sing with the band, but they weren’t having it, Ramona did nothing and was completely worthless, and she got loaded on martinis and flirted with the bartender. Yep, I’ve done the math and all of this checks out.
The women then go into town for a little shopping and to pick The Countess back up and drag her back to Blue Stone Manor with them for the night.
While in a furniture store, The Countess takes Sonja aside and, like she’s in a ventriloquist act, tries to tell Sonja through her gritted teeth that she wants her in the show but there are “business things” that she has to deal with and she is going to have to try to make the revenue work. If she can get into a bigger venue, she’ll be able to pay Sonja more.
Boy, do I have some news for you from the future about venues, ladies!
Also, we (and The Countess) learn that Leah and The Countess made out at the pub the night before.
Boy, do I have some news for you from the future about making out, ladies!
The women go to a charming little grocery store where they shop for cheese and Dorinda reveals that Colin Cowie is catering a dinner at her home that evening, and she didn’t even have to con Ramona and Sonja into being in his social media for him to do so!
Also discussed in the grocery store: the fact that Leah apparently hooked up with one of Sonja’s old boyfriend Frenchie’s copains, and they keep calling this guy “The Prince?” But they never say what he is “The Prince” of? And apparently, Leah peed on “The Prince?” But it’s unclear if peeing on “The Prince” was an accident or something that he specifically requested from Leah? I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS. ARE WE NOT GOING TO HAVE A QUESTION AND ANSWER SECTION? BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The women return to Dorinda’s home to prepare for dinner, and that’s when Ramona clogs the toilet in her room. This dumb asshole tries to use a plunger but is unsuccessful, so !!! USING HER HANDS !!! she reaches into the toilet and begins plucking soggy toilet paper out and throwing it into the trash.
This is where Leah finds her, and is exposed to “the nastiest little shit I’ve ever seen in my life.” I hope the producers are giving her hazard pay.
Dorinda eventually discovers this scene, and contrary to Ramona’s worry, handles it with calm and grace, urging Ramona to just leave it alone and use a different bathroom in the meantime.
Meanwhile, I’m having a flashback.
Later, Ramona and The Countess are playing with a breathalyzer that Ramona brought along with her because she thought it would be fun to remind The Countess of three months ago when she had to use one five times a day? I don’t know. The point is: Ramona has no idea how to use it, The Countess is a pro. GEE I WONDER WHY.
And then the dinner party.
There are a number of civilians at the party, including Dorinda’s sister Melinda, some friends named Sam and Lyle, and former castmember and spitfire Heather Thomson and her husband Jon.
Leah explains to Dorinda and Melinda that she met a cute bartender at the Red Lion Inn the night before and was wondering if it would be OK if she invited him to stop by after dinner. Dorinda, who as she reminds us 18 times during the episode, used to be a waitress and hostess at the restaurant, is more than happy to oblige — who is she to exclude a fellow Red Lion Inner?
We also learn that Elyse has an alter ego from her Wall Street days named “Erica” who is a party girl who likes to make out with other women. Leah challenges “Erica” to come out and make out with her and I’m sorry, but between making out with The Countess and now this, is Leah an insecure 22-year-old trying to get attention from the boys at the shitty frat bar she’s hanging out in?
Dinner is served and over the fancy salad and rack of lamb, Dorinda’s friend Sam asks Ramona about her dating life and why she hasn’t tried online dating. Ramona explains that she and Dorinda are in “the top 1%” and that they’re not going to find that kind of quality of man online. Sam asks if the only thing that matters to her is finding a man who has as much money as she does, and she explains that men can’t get hard if women are more successful than they are. And you know what? Who knows, maybe that is true for men of a certain age. It’s easy to criticize Ramona for being superficial on this issue, but she’s the one out there dating these dudes, not me, so what do I know, maybe boomer men are just that pathetic and insecure.
Dorinda offers up a toast to Leah for being unfiltered, confident and a mini-Dorinda, and Leah is honored and humbled and happy to be the only one on the cast who still has her period.
Leah then makes out with
Elyse “Erica” because that was always going to happen.
Leah’s bartender finally shows up, and Dorinda sits him down, explains that she also used to work at the Red Lion Inn, and then she begins to regale him with her entire family tree and history there in Stockbridge, Massachusets.
And with that, Dorinda calls another (the last?) batshit insane Bezerkshires weekend to a close. It’s been … something.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.