That asshole Greg Abbott has found a brand new way to embarrass Texans.

It’s Wednesday.

No dogs were harmed in this icy slip ‘n’ slide video.

Going Viral

Let’s start with the very very good news: President Biden announced yesterday that there will be enough vaccine produced for every adult in America to be vaccinated by the end of May, which is two months earlier than previously predicted and fucking fantastic news. We might just be able to have a normal Thanksgiving this year after all. Now, employing enough people to actually put those vaccines into people’s arms is going to be logistically difficult, but he’s sending the new Johnson & Johnson vaccine to pharmacies all over the country, and setting up more mass vaccination sites like the one we have here in Houston at the NRG Center.

Additionally, President Biden challenged the entire country to vaccinate all educators and school workers by the end of March so that schools can safely reopen — the first step to really opening up the economy. This seems like a no-brainer, but 20 states, including my own very dum-dum one, do not prioritize teachers. To override those 20 states’ thick-headedness, President Biden is putting teachers on the priority list in the federal distribution of the vaccine, specifically through the pharmacy program. And listen, I understand that there are other essential workers out there who are also deserving of vaccines, but I guarantee you, it is easier for grocery store workers and waitresses at restaurants to go back to their jobs when their kids are back at school. And from the sound of it, they’ll be vaccinated along with the rest of us very soon. I know the previous administration said it a bajillion times last year, but we really can see the light at the end of this tunnel, and for once, it’s not just Former President Dipshit holding up a sunlamp that he is suggesting you shove up your ass.

And so obviously my asshole governor is going to do his very best to make a hash of this. As you have certainly heard by now, Governor Abbott flung open our state and ended the mask mandate for no good goddamned reason.

Some numbers: Texas is second only to California in the number of cases of COVID; we are third behind California and New York in deaths; and while other states are seeing a decline in deaths, here in Texas they are rising; Houston is the only American city that has all known variants of the virus; and in terms of putting shots in arms, we are only ahead of Utah, and Georgia in the percentage of our population who has received them. By some estimates, removing this mask mandate will leave 100 more Texans dead by June who could have been alive otherwise. 7% of us are vaccinated, Greg. Just because you’re vaccinated doesn’t mean the rest of us are, Greg.

Mississippi’s governor Tate Reeves made a similar order yesterday:

And I can’t help but notice that both Texas and Mississippi are dealing with other crises which have crippled their states recently. As you know, the winter storm destroyed our electrical grid here in Texas, killing our people, and leaving us without power and water for days. The same winter storm has left Jackson, Mississippi without water for three straight weeks now, and there is no news as to when the state expects the water will be restored and safe to drink again.

Maybe I’m cynical, but it sure feels like these governors’ race to reopen their states and remove the mask mandates are a desperate attempt to change the conversation. Sure, it’s going to spark outrage in people who believe in squishy things like “science” and “facts” and “not killing vulnerable populations,” but it’s going to also be a popular rallying point for the right. As Former President Arsonist has taught them, there’s nothing like a good culture war to distract people from shitty leadership!

Fortunately, some businesses are defying Governor Asshole’s order, and will still require customers to wear a mask, and the largest school district in the state, Houston’s HISD, will continue to require everyone to wear masks on campuses.

But some business, like the much-loved grocery chain H-E-B isn’t willing to put up that fight, unfortunately.

It’s shitty. And disappointing. And scary.

And for any of you in Blue states who are feeling smug and self-righteous right now — I’M LOOKING AT YOU KEITH OLBERMAN —

… a few inconvenient facts to take the wind out of your schadenfreude: more Texans voted for Biden than New Yorkers. Here in the Texas cities, we are Blue, but our state is gerrymandered to fuck. Fun story: I’m in Dan Crenshaw’s district because Dan Crenshaw’s district looks like this:

Also, Texas is LITERALLY the most difficult state to vote in. And it’s not an accident. The Red districts know that the Blue districts’ populations will eventually outnumber their own (if we don’t already) and their only chance to hold onto power is to suppress the vote — and they’re very good at it!

But even if each and every one of us here in Texas and my friends in Mississippi had voted Red, we’re still human beings, you assholes, worthy of electricity, running water, and yes, vaccines to save our lives. But if you can’t see past your feelings of superiority to be empathetic, our receiving the vaccine is important for your own health, seeing as there are no hard borders in this country. Last I checked, we still have freedom of movement. So keep up your hateful glee over my fellow Texans suffering, and I’ll come over there and cough on you.

And Texans, go get those vaccines when you can. We gotta look out for ourselves because our state certainly isn’t going to look out for us. 

Dolly Parton got a dose of her own medicine. Literally.

You know who else got a vaccine but unlike Dolly didn’t tell anyone about it? Former President Anal Fistula and his equally awful wife. On the face of it, it seems surprising that Former President Dingus wouldn’t make a huge show of receiving the vaccine that he was so desperate to take all the credit for developing. But if you really stop to think about it and this piece of shit’s psychology, it makes a perverse bit of sense.

Going back to last year, the one thing that I will give the previous administration credit for is that they did help with the vaccination development process by doing away with burdensome regulations. And it worked! Effective vaccines were developed in record time, so — and you’ll only hear this from me this one time — well done, Former President Superspreader’s administration.

So why wouldn’t Former President Very Good Brain make a big show of receiving “his” vaccine? I don’t know for sure, but I believe the reasoning (“reasoning”) on his part was twofold: 1. He worried that being seen receiving any form of medical treatment would make him look weak or vulnerable, something that he is constitutionally incapable of doing in any capacity, even just to show human empathy. But even more insidiously, 2. He received the vaccine in January — after he lost the election and when he knew damn well Joe Biden was coming to replace him. This fucker is just vindictive enough to understand that if his followers saw him receive the vaccine, a number — not all, but a significant number — would follow suit, and create one less hurdle for the Biden administration to have to contend with in their efforts to stop this virus. And, after all, attempting to destroy this country is the entire Trump brand at this point.

All Other TV News

Chris Harrison will go to Good Morning America for the first stop on his rehabilitation tour. It looks like ABC is hoping to clean up this mess before filming for The Bachelorette begins later this month (I assume — production usually begins on The Bachelorette in March). Rachel Lindsay, for one, thinks they should hold off on filming until they have “fixed” these issues. Oh, Rachel, it’s a nice thought, but if ABC waits to start filming until they fix all of their systemic racist and misogynist issues, there won’t be another season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. The entire series is based on a reactionary premise and worldview, and it will always attract contestants who have internalized such values. It’s a real problem! And one I don’t think the show can fix!

Oh? Bill Burr, the guy who whined about “cancel culture” and made fun of women and gays on Saturday Night Live thinks Gina Carano is a “real sweetheart” and is worried he’ll be “canceled” by Disney next? How surprising. What a plot twist. Look. I do not doubt that Gina Carano is a lovely person to those she works with. The problem is not how she behaves on set, it was the non-stop headaches she created for the Disney corporation by insisting on posting anti-Semitic, anti-mask, and anti-trans content on social media. Everyone is entitled to their own political beliefs, but it’s not your employer’s obligation to continue employing you if those opinions begin to hurt their bottom line. Hot tip to anyone who is still upset about this: your employer can fire your ass for making gross Holocaust analogies! That’s their right! It’s just not that hard to wrap your heads around, you fucking snowflakes.

A catfight between David Muir and George Stephanopoulos at ABC News? Delicious! And kinda hot! (And, going back to the story about Gina Carano above, there is a telling line about Disney in this story: “Now Goldston had a talent mess on his hands, and ‘Disney doesn’t like messes,’ in the words of one longtime executive.” All y’all have been put on notice.)

Chances are you’re going to be disappointed with the finale of WandaVision, and the director wants you to lower your expectations.

Jennette McCurdy reveals that being a child star actually kinda sucks, making this the 10,000th version of this same song. 

Hey, Dish customers: DraftKings will be coming to your TVs.

Renewals

In Development

  • Roar, a feminist anthology series starring Nicole Kidman, Cynthia Erivo, Alison Brie, and Merritt Wever is in the works at Apple TV+.
  • The End is Nye, a new science series hosted by Bill Nye, is coming to Peacock.
  • Family Game Fight, a game show based on Ellen skits and hosted by Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, has been ordered at NBC.
  • Bridesman, a comedy series, has been set at Grindr, the dating app. And why not.
  • The Adventures of Asterix is being turned into a limited animated series on Netflix.
  • Hypnotic, a horror film starring Kate Siegel is coming to Netflix.
  • In the Devil’s Hour, a thriller series, is coming to Amazon.
  • War Arts Saga is being adapted into a TV series.
  • Rebel Hearts, a documentary series about protesting nuns, is coming to Discovery+.

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • Bad Trip debuts on Netflix on March 26.
  • Calls will debut on Apple TV+ on March 19.
  • Prodigal Son will return on Fox on April 13.
  • Queen of the South returns on USA in April.
  • Hysterical will debut on FX on April 2.
  • FX on Hulu released a promo of their 2021 shows:

R.I.P.

Jahmil French, Actor on Degrassi: The Next Generation

Geoffrey Scott, Actor on Dark Shadows, Dynasty, and General Hospital

Bunny Wailer, Reggae great who founded The Wailers with Bob Marley and Peter Tosh

WATCH THIS

Moxie: Jennifer Mathieu’s feminist YA book comes to life in this Amy Poehler film, hooray! Premiere. Netflix

Murder Among the Mormons: In the 1980s, a series of mail bombs were sent to multiple people in Salt Lake City, and the story behind it is BANANAS. Premiere. Netflix

The Con: The ABC docuseries is back with a look at the hilarious disaster that was the Fyre Festival. Season premiere. 9 p.m., ABC

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Leslie Jones, Elizabeth Olsen, Nicky Jam & Romeo Santos
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Jake Tapper, Glynn Turman
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Paul Bettany, Metallica
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Ben Schwartz, Foo Fighters
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Daisy Ridley, Justice Smith, Ashe featuring Finneas
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Conan: Lauren Cohan
  • Watch What Happens Live: Annaleigh Ashford, Jackie Goldschneider
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: Alexi Pappas

WEDS. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Goldbergs
(new)
American Housewife
(new)
The Conners
(new)
Call Your Mother
(new)
The Con
(new)
CBS Tough As Nails
(new)
SEAL Team
(new)
S.W.A.T.
(new)
CW Riverdale
(repeat)
Nancy Drew
(repeat)
Local
FOX Name That Tune
(new)
News/Local
NBC Chicago Med
(repeat)
Chicago Fire
(repeat)
Chicago P.D.
(repeat)

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