President Coup fucked around and he found out.

It’s Thursday which somehow does not quite feel right, but I checked a calendar and I can affirmatively confirm: it’s Thursday.

Here are some very confused praying mantises. FEED THOSE BABIES.

Political Crap

Well, now what?

President Clear and Present Danger was impeached for a historic second time yesterday for “incitement of insurrection,” which, I mean, HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY?

Alright. So. The President was impeached by the House but there are only 6 days left in his term, and Senate Majority Leader (FOR NOW!) Mitch McConnell has made it clear he will not rush a Senate trial to remove President Proud Boy from office. Still, now that the House has impeached, the Senate is obligated to hold a trial, and it looks like one will happen sometime after Joe Biden’s inauguration next week.

And in news that has everyone holding their breath, it sounds like Mitch McConnell might support a conviction, if only as a way to remove President Treason from controlling the Republican party down the road. While a Senate trial to convict will require 17 Republican votes (along with every single Democratic vote, JOE MANCHIN), if they do convict him, Democrats would only need a simple majority to prevent President Sedition from ever holding public office again — a tantalizing prospect for many Republicans who are tired of living in his toxic shadow and fear he’s ruining the party as a whole.

While I think finding those 17 Republican Senators with enough spine to do the right thing might be difficult, I also will note that 10 Republican House members voted along with the Democrats yesterday, making it the most bipartisan impeachment vote ever. Additionally, more news is going to come out about what, exactly, happened in the Capitol last week — who knew what, who was complicit, how deep the rot goes — and it might be enough to change some minds. I still think a conviction is unlikely, but if McConnell decides that he’s had enough of President Rotting Pumpkin and more information comes out about there being some sort of inside help … it’s entirely possible the Republicans in the Senate might choose to try to purge their party to remove the stain of Trumpism. It’s genuinely a nail-biter right now.

In other news: Democrats are demanding an investigation into whether or not some of their Republican counterparts were actively helping the insurrectionists. This is honestly one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever written. Additionally, these motherfuckers were refusing to go through the metal detectors at the House the other night because they think this is some kind of joke? I guess? Nancy Pelosi has announced she’ll be asking for a new rule imposing a $5,000 fine for this bullshit. Good. Don’t fuck with Nancy.

The entire National Mall is going to be shut down during the inauguration because President Conflagration’s supporters are a bunch of anti-patriotic terrorists who can’t be trusted to behave themselves.

I mean, JUST LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS. LOOK AT THEM:

And one of the things that makes me angriest about all of this? It’s all over a man who is SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT:

Mr. Trump was enraged that Mr. Pence was refusing to try to overturn the election. In a series of meetings, the president had pressed relentlessly, alternately cajoling and browbeating him. Finally, just before Mr. Pence headed to the Capitol to oversee the electoral vote count last Wednesday, Mr. Trump called the vice president’s residence to push one last time.

“You can either go down in history as a patriot,” Mr. Trump told him, according to two people briefed on the conversation, “or you can go down in history as a pussy.”

DAMMIT, MIKE, YOU SHOULD 25th AMENDMENT HIM FOR BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK THAT YOU WOULD VIOLATE THE CONSTITUTION FOR A MAN WHO CALLED YOU A PUSSY, IF NOTHING ELSE. DAMN.

Vanky ISN’T going to attend Joe Biden’s inauguration after all. Girl, you were never invited.

Hope Hicks is leaving the White House, again. Quite the profile in courage, Hopey.

President I Told You I Was a Snake is refusing to pay Rudy Giuliani’s legal bills which is the single most predictable story to come out of all of this. I mean, HAVE YOU MET THE GUY, RUDY? (Also, Rudy? I can’t find any actual evidence that you said this — it’s not anywhere in the article everyone is pointing to — but in case you actually thought that Game of Thrones is a documentary about medieval England, it is definitely not any of those things.)

Oh, Siggy Flicker, no.

Black Lives Matter

It’s been three weeks since I’ve dipped into these stories thanks to a completely bizarre combination of the holidays and an attempted overthrow of our country. So what have we missed?

At the end of last year, Ray Fisher, pissed at DC Films President Walter Hamada and the way the investigation into Justice League was handled, tweeted that he would consider quitting his role as Cyborg:

So DC was like, “Alright, we’ll call your bluff,” and wrote him out of the upcoming The Flash movie that he was set to cameo in.

Ray Fisher has some thoughts about this removal, and names names.

WarnerMedia has responded with a statement: “NUH-UH.” And now you’re all caught up with THAT drama.

One of the insane stories that has been buried under all the bullshit has been the one where a crazy woman tackled a 14-year-old Black kid in a New York hotel, claiming he had stolen her phone. He hadn’t. She’d left her phone in an Uber. There’s even more to this, including how the hotel mismanaged the whole thing and took the woman’s side because White Privilege, but what I want to show you is the absolutely batshit insane interview this lunatic gave Gayle King, in which she made everything so. much. worse. It’s six and a half minutes long, but I promise you won’t even notice:

THE HAT! THE CLAIM THAT SHE, AN ADULT WOMAN IS AS MUCH A VICTIM AS A 14-YEAR-OLD CHILD! THE WAY SHE INSISTS SHE CAN’T BE RACIST BECAUSE SHE’S PART PUERTO RICAN!

THE WAY SHE TELLS GAYLE KING, “ENOUGH!”

Cast this woman on The Bachelor immediately.

Netflix has doubled the number of Black employees since 2017, but admit they need to do some work recruiting more Latinos.

A statue of Breonna Taylor in Oakland was destroyed because people are monsters. And in other Breonna Taylor news, two of her killers were fired, but unfortunately, that is likely the worst punishment they will face.

Elsewhere, the Kenosha officer who shot Jacob Blake will not face charges.

And that underage little turd Kyle Rittenhouse, is out in bars, drinking and flashing White power symbols while wearing a T-shirt that reads “FREE AS FUCK,” so things are going great in our country right now.

Gal Gadot is over here whitewashing Cleopatra for the umpteenth time.

Over in the U.K., ITV has fired a regular Coronation Street director after he posted a bunch of racist shit on Facebook.

Going Viral

There were over 4,000 COVID deaths in America yesterday, and we are at somewhere between 384,000 and 394,000 deaths total. The CDC, which tends to skew conservative, is predicting that we could see 90,000 more deaths in the NEXT THREE WEEKS. I don’t actually have any other COVID stories to share today — the news was sort of cannibalized by something else going on yesterday — but don’t forget that we are dying in record numbers right now. Stay vigilant.

All Other TV News

Lady Gaga will sing the National Anthem at Joe Biden’s inauguration IN LESS THAN ONE WEEK FROM TODAY. Also performing: Jenny from the Block.

The Kennedy Center will honor Dick Van Dyke, Debbie Allen, Joan Baez, Garth Brooks, and violinist Midori this year. The celebration has been postponed until May and will be broadcast this June.

The cast of the Russo brothers Netflix film, Mosul, are now receiving death threats. The Russo brothers insist they have treated the situation very seriously, and used a level of secrecy even higher than they did with the Marvel movies.

ABC is just straight-up threatening us.

No, there are no plans for a One Tree Hill reboot or a Desperate Housewives reboot. First of all, don’t think I didn’t notice that the only outlet talking about rumors of these reboots is you, E! News, but second of all, aren’t there enough new shows out there for you, E! News? Go get a Netflix account and stop dreaming up early 2000s shows you want to see again.

I was never going to subscribe to Quibi, but I do confess, some shows tempted me, including 50 States of Fright and the Reno 911 revival. And now that they’re coming to the Roku channel — for FREE — it looks like my patience paid off. I’d be awesome at the marshmallow test, y’all.

I don’t usually mention who was on The Masked Singer or The Masked Dancer, but last’s night’s reveal on The Masked Dancer was really unexpected. “It was probably the most terrifying thing that I’ve ever voluntarily done,” she said. 😮

Of course, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is going to tackle the COVID crisis and all this political bullshit:

The Sopranos movie, The Many Saints of Newark, is being pushed back to the fall.

Our Houston girl Megan Thee Stallion auditioned for Love & Hip Hop and THEY DIDN’T CAST HER? That’s OK, she’s a superstar now and doesn’t need your reality show.

 

 
 
 
 
 
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They are not looking to add a fourth character to the Sex & the City revival. Sorry, Miss Piggy.

Renewals

Cancellations

  • Animal Kingdom will end after its sixth season on TNT.
  • The Pack has been canceled at Amazon after PETA got involved.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendars

  • To All the Boys: Always and Forever will debut on Netflix on February 12.
  • Al Davis vs. The NFL will premiere on ESPN on February 4.
  • Devil May Care will debut on Syfy’s TZGZ on February 6.
  • A Nightmare Wakes will premiere on Shudder on February 4.
  • Earwig and the Witch will debut on HBO Max on February 5.

R.I.P.

Siegfried Fischbacher, Animal trainer and magician, part of Siegfried & Roy

Angie Jakusz, Former Survivor contestant

Ray Brady, Former business correspondent for CBS

Pilar Schneider, Mother of Rob Schneider who appeared in a number of his films

Tim Bogart, Bassist with Vanilla Fudge

Dr. Harold N. Bornstein, The doctor who wrote (well, signed) the letter alleging that Donald Trump would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

WATCH THIS

Superstore: Cloud 9 changes their policy about locking up Black hair care products, forcing the employees to reckon with systemic racism. Winter premiere. 7:30 p.m., NBC

Search Party: Season four. HBO Max

Locked Down: A bickering couple use the pandemic lockdown to pull off a jewelry heist in this film starring Anne Hathaway and Chiwetel Ejiofor. Premiere. HBO Max

One Night in Miami: Regina King directed this film about a fictionalized meeting of Malcolm X, Muhammad Ali, Jim Brown, and Sam Cooke. Premiere. Amazon

Servant: Ok, y’all, I only recently finally got around to watching the first season of this spooky little thriller and it was so good. I don’t want to give too much away but let’s just say it’s related to the anxieties related to letting strangers into the most intimate parts of your life. Season two premiere. Apple TV+

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Anthony Mackie, Cristin Milioti, Rico Nasty
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Anne Hathaway, Jane Levy
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Sen. Bernie Sanders, FINNEAS
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Andie MacDowell, Why Don’t We
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Javicia Leslie, Foo Fighters
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Watch What Happens Live: Carey Mulligan, Connie Britton, Jennifer Coolidge
  • A Little Late with Lily Singh: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
THUR 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Celebrity Wheel of Fortune
(new)
The Chase
(new)
The Hustler
(new)
CBS Young Sheldon
(repeat)
B Positive
(repeat)
Mom
(repeat)
The Unicorn
(repeat)
Star Trek: Discovery
(new)
CW World’s Funniest Animals
(new)
World’s Funniest Animals
(new)
Legacies
(repeat)
News/Local
FOX Hell’s Kitchen
(new)
Call Me Kat
(new)
Last Man Standing
(new)
NBC Mr. Mayor
(new)
Superstore
(new)
Law & Order Special Victims Unit
(new)
Dateline

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