It’s Friday the 13th, so be careful out there.
Anyway, here’s a house beaver:
Beaver who loves the bathtub gets his very own pond — and he LOVES it 💙 pic.twitter.com/5v3VBIGlPT
— The Dodo (@dodo) November 13, 2020
Look. It’s been a long two weeks, so I’m going to keep this section short and sweet, so we can all get to our weekend already and not think about President Crybaby for one second longer than necessary:
CISA, the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency, which operates under the Department of Homeland Security, put out a statement yesterday declaring the election “the most secure in American history.” Lol. Read the whole thing yourself:
“The November 3rd election was the most secure in American history. Right now, across the country, election officials are reviewing and double checking the entire election process prior to finalizing the result.
“When states have close elections, many will recount ballots. All of the states with close results in the 2020 presidential race have paper records of each vote, allowing the ability to go back and count each ballot if necessary. This is an added benefit for security and resilience. This process allows for the identification and correction of any mistakes or errors. There is no evidence that any voting system deleted or lost votes, changed votes, or was in any way compromised.
“Other security measures like pre-election testing, state certification of voting equipment, and the U.S. Election Assistance Commission’s (EAC) certification of voting equipment help to build additional confidence in the voting systems used in 2020.
“While we know there are many unfounded claims and opportunities for misinformation about the process of our elections, we can assure you we have the utmost confidence in the security and integrity of our elections, and you should too. When you have questions, turn to elections officials as trusted voices as they administer elections.”
(They bolded that sentence, not me.)
Here’s how President Gibberish responded:
For years the Dems have been preaching how unsafe and rigged our elections have been. Now they are saying what a wonderful job the Trump Administration did in making 2020 the most secure election ever. Actually this is true, except for what the Democrats did. Rigged Election!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 13, 2020
IT WAS THE SAFEST ELECTION EVER BECAUSE OF ME AND THE ONLY REASON I LOST IS BECAUSE OF HOW UNSAFE THE ELECTION WAS.
Well, he tweeted that and he fired Bryan Ware, the Assistant Director for CISA, and Chris Krebs, the head of the agency, expects to be fired at any moment.
Meanwhile, things continue to go south on the legal front for President SUE ‘EM! Another law firm has abandoned him; his team has acknowledged that the lawsuit in Arizona isn’t going to change jack shit; a Michigan judge has thrown out their lawsuit to delay the vote certification in Detroit; and North Carolina has been called for President Get the Fuck Out of Here, while Arizona and Georgia have officially been called for Biden. This means all of the states have been called, and Joe Biden has 306 electoral college votes, the exact same number President Habitual Liar had when he won in 2016.
306. Landslide. Blowout. Historic. https://t.co/ObYZDo8cBq
— Kellyanne Conway (@KellyannePolls) November 28, 2016
And as for Trump TV being a thing, IndieWire outlines a number of good reasons why it’s probably not something we’ll need to worry about — at least not being a cable network like Fox News or even OAN. However, they left out the two biggest reasons: 1. he’s lazy as fuck and 2. it’s hard to run a network from prison.
Y’all. Things are terrifying. Daily cases have risen above 160,000, 1,190 Americans died of it yesterday, and we’ve hit a national hospitalization record yesterday: 67,096. I know we’re all tired of living like this, but you have to wear a mask and should think REAL HARD about having that slumber party or dinner party or carpool.
The Washington Post is reporting that 130 Secret Service agents are infected with COVID-19. ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY. If anyone should be filing a lawsuit …
“The spread of the coronavirus — which has sidelined roughly 10 percent of the agency’s core security team — is believed to be partly linked to a series of campaign rallies that President Trump held in the weeks before the Nov. 3 election, according to the people, who, like others interviewed for this report, spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe the situation.”
Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger is in quarantine after his wife tested positive.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is ut here whinging that scientists with their “science” are trampling our right to gather together in churches and give each other a highly contagious and deadly disease. It’s not the only shitty thing he said, by the way.
HEY, MATRIX 4 CAST AND CREW, NOT COOL. (Also, my cousin is definitely somewhere in these pictures, goddammit.)
Dr. Fauci knows you’re probably going to get together for Thanksgiving, he’s just asking you people to be careful. WEAR A MASK.
WATCH: Dr. Anthony Fauci joins us now with the latest on the coronavirus pandemic and how we can get this virus under control. pic.twitter.com/pKY8IA982q
— CBS This Morning (@CBSThisMorning) November 13, 2020
Disneyland will stay closed through the end of the year and the CEO is SO MAD.
All Other TV News
Here’s how Grey’s Anatomy pulled off THAT McMoment in last night’s premiere. SPOILERS FOR SURE.
Y’ALL, JOHN MULANEY HAS JOINED THE WRITING STAFF AT LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. All my comedy crushes in one convenient location.
Leta Powell Drake is the only person who is allowed to give celebrity interviews from here on out.
Currently obsessed with Leta Powell Drake, the greatest interviewer of all time. pic.twitter.com/3oCYAd9vZD
— John Frankensteiner (@JFrankensteiner) November 12, 2020
ESPN has shut down its Esports division altogether.
Soooo … that TikTok shutdown is off then?
- Slasher has been ordered for a fourth season and is moving to Shudder.
- Entrapped has been renewed and is headed to Netflix.
- Modern Austen, a Jane Austen anthology series, is in development at The CW.
- Level, a financial crime drama, is in the works at NBC.
- A doo-wop college comedy is in the works at CBS.
- Arlo the Alligator Boy and a series, I ❤️️Arlo have been ordered at Netflix.
- Eden, an Australian thriller, has been picked up by Spectrum.
- Cord Jefferson has signed a deal with Warner Bros. Television.
- Lena Headey’s production company, Peephole Productions, has struck a deal with Platform One Media.
- Andrea Bocelli, BTS, Michael Bublé, Ciara, Chloe x Halle, Derek Hough, and Hayley Erbert, Julianne Hough, Adam Lambert, Leslie Odom Jr., Katy Perry, P!NK, and Kerry Washington will perform in the Disney Holiday Singalong on ABC.
- Casey Wilson is joining the cast of The Shrink Next Door on Apple TV+.
- Kim Delaney will star in The Long Island Serial Killer: A Mother’s Hunt for Justice on Lifetime.
- Tiffany Haddish, Sarah Silverman, Natasha Rothwell, Ziwe, Natasha Leggero, and Patti Harrison will guest in Yearly Departed on Amazon.
- Mark Stanley will star as Henry VIII in the Channel 5 Anne Boelyn series.
- David Cronenberg will appear in Slasher: Flesh & Blood on Shudder.
- Vivica A. Fox will join the cast of Stuck on You on UMC.
- Alfred Svensson, Dan Ekborg, Sascha Zacharias and Petrina Solange will star in Anxious People on Netflix.
Mark Your Calendar
- WandaVision will premiere on Disney+ on January 15.
— The Avengers (@Avengers) November 12, 2020
- Big Mouth returns on Netflix on December 4.
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reunion will debut on HBO Max on November 19.
- Tiger will debut on HBO sometime in 2021.
- El Cid will debut on Amazon on December 18.
- We Can Be Heroes will debut on Netflix on January 1.
Robert Rodriguez's WE CAN BE HEROES, starring YaYa Gosselin, Pedro Pascal, Priyanka Chopra Jonas, and Christian Slater, comes to Netflix globally January 1, 2021. pic.twitter.com/KQWPED07ZN
— NetflixFilm (@NetflixFilm) November 12, 2020
- Baby God will premiere on HBO on December 2.
- Dance Dreams: Hot Chocolate Nutcracker will premiere on Netflix on November 27.
- 12 Dates of Christmas will debut on HBO Max on November 27.
- Full Bloom is now streaming on HBO Max.
- For the Love of Jason will debut on UMC on November 19.
- Resist will premiere on YouTube on November 18.
- Dashing will debut on Paramount Network on December 13.
- Christmas with The Tabernacle Choir will air on PBS on December 17.
- BattleBots will return on Discovery on December 3.
- I Survived a Crime and Rescue Cam will premiere on A&E on January on 27 along with the return of Court Cam.
- The Challenge: Double Agents will debut on MTV on December 9.
- A Go! Go! Cory Carson Christmas will premiere on Netflix Jr. on November 27.
Israel Horovitz, Playwright and screenwriter whose shows launched the career of many well-known actors, but whose legacy was tarnished by accusations of sexual assault
Asif Basra, Bollywood actor
The Blacklist: Liz hatches a secret plan with her mother in the season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC
Becoming You: A docuseries about how our first 2,000 days shape us as people. Series premiere. Apple TV+
I Am Greta: A documentary about that climate change firecracker, Greta Thunberg. Premiere. Hulu
Inside Pixar: A look inside the studio that changed animation and storytelling forever. Premiere. Disney+
Dolittle: It scored a 14 on Rotten Tomatoes. A 14! Exactly how much money did they throw at Robert Downey Jr. to be in this? 7 p.m., HBO
The Big Lebowski: Because:
8 p.m., Showtime 2
The Crown: OOOH, IT’S THE PRINCESS DIANA YEARS. Season premiere. Netflix
The People’s Choice Awards: I should note that the people gave Dolittle — the movie with a 14 rating from the critics — a 76. So, you know, what do the “people” really know? E!
Bob’s Burgers: It’s the 200th episode, guys! 8 p.m., Fox
The Reagans: A four-part documentary series, and how Nancy was the real power behind the scenes. Series premiere. 7 p.m., Showtime
Murder on Middle Beach: A young man explores his mother’s unsolved murder in this documentary series. Series premiere. 9 p.m., HBO
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (Friday): Post Malone, Phoebe Robinson, 2 Chainz
|CW||iHeartRadio Music Festival Night 1
|FOX||Friday Night Smackdown||Local|
|Ellen’s Game of Games
|Saturday Night Live
|Saturday Night Live
|ABC||America’s Funniest Home Videos
|Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
|CBS||60 Minutes||NCIS: Los Angeles
|NCIS: New Orleans
|The CW||Local||iHeartRadio Music Festival, Night 2
|Bless the Harts
|NBC||Sunday Night Football