It’s official: Joe Biden won the 2020 election with 306 electoral college votes. Lol.

It’s Friday the 13th, so be careful out there.

Anyway, here’s a house beaver:

Political Crap

Look. It’s been a long two weeks, so I’m going to keep this section short and sweet, so we can all get to our weekend already and not think about President Crybaby for one second longer than necessary:

CISA, the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency, which operates under the Department of Homeland Security, put out a statement yesterday declaring the election “the most secure in American history.” Lol. Read the whole thing yourself:

“The November 3rd election was the most secure in American history. Right now, across the country, election officials are reviewing and double checking the entire election process prior to finalizing the result. 

“When states have close elections, many will recount ballots. All of the states with close results in the 2020 presidential race have paper records of each vote, allowing the ability to go back and count each ballot if necessary. This is an added benefit for security and resilience. This process allows for the identification and correction of any mistakes or errors. There is no evidence that any voting system deleted or lost votes, changed votes, or was in any way compromised.

“Other security measures like pre-election testing, state certification of voting equipment, and the U.S. Election Assistance Commission’s (EAC) certification of voting equipment help to build additional confidence in the voting systems used in 2020.

“While we know there are many unfounded claims and opportunities for misinformation about the process of our elections, we can assure you we have the utmost confidence in the security and integrity of our elections, and you should too. When you have questions, turn to elections officials as trusted voices as they administer elections.”

(They bolded that sentence, not me.)

Here’s how President Gibberish responded:


Well, he tweeted that and he fired Bryan Ware, the Assistant Director for CISA, and Chris Krebs, the head of the agency, expects to be fired at any moment.

Meanwhile, things continue to go south on the legal front for President SUE ‘EM! Another law firm has abandoned him; his team has acknowledged that the lawsuit in Arizona isn’t going to change jack shit; a Michigan judge has thrown out their lawsuit to delay the vote certification in Detroit; and North Carolina has been called for President Get the Fuck Out of Here, while Arizona and Georgia have officially been called for Biden. This means all of the states have been called, and Joe Biden has 306 electoral college votes, the exact same number President Habitual Liar had when he won in 2016.


And as for Trump TV being a thing, IndieWire outlines a number of good reasons why it’s probably not something we’ll need to worry about — at least not being a cable network like Fox News or even OAN. However, they left out the two biggest reasons: 1. he’s lazy as fuck and 2. it’s hard to run a network from prison.

Going Viral

Y’all. Things are terrifying. Daily cases have risen above 160,000, 1,190 Americans died of it yesterday, and we’ve hit a national hospitalization record yesterday: 67,096. I know we’re all tired of living like this, but you have to wear a mask and should think REAL HARD about having that slumber party or dinner party or carpool.

The Washington Post is reporting that 130 Secret Service agents are infected with COVID-19. ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY. If anyone should be filing a lawsuit …

“The spread of the coronavirus — which has sidelined roughly 10 percent of the agency’s core security team — is believed to be partly linked to a series of campaign rallies that President Trump held in the weeks before the Nov. 3 election, according to the people, who, like others interviewed for this report, spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe the situation.”

Elon Musk may have the virus he swore would go away by April. Maybe.

Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger is in quarantine after his wife tested positive.

Richard and Liz Uihlein, conservative megadonors, have contracted the virus after downplaying it for months.

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is ut here whinging that scientists with their “science” are trampling our right to gather together in churches and give each other a highly contagious and deadly disease. It’s not the only shitty thing he said, by the way.

In Europe, they keep the schools open and close restaurants and bars. MADNESS.

HEY, MATRIX 4 CAST AND CREW, NOT COOL. (Also, my cousin is definitely somewhere in these pictures, goddammit.)

Dr. Fauci knows you’re probably going to get together for Thanksgiving, he’s just asking you people to be careful. WEAR A MASK.

The Ivy League is canceling all winter sports.

Disneyland will stay closed through the end of the year and the CEO is SO MAD.

All Other TV News

Here’s how Grey’s Anatomy pulled off THAT McMoment in last night’s premiere. SPOILERS FOR SURE.

That Friends reunion we’ve never been able to escape is going to be filmed in March.

Y’ALL, JOHN MULANEY HAS JOINED THE WRITING STAFF AT LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS. All my comedy crushes in one convenient location.

Disney seems happy with the Mulan streaming numbers and will probably release more movies that way.

Levar Burton would actually be a GREAT choice to host Jeopardy! come to think of it.

You know who will be watching The Crown this weekend? Camilla The Duchess of Zero Fucks to Give. Good for her.

HBO Max is really sorry for that $20,000 donation to an anti-LGBTQ and anti-abortion group. Whoops.

Leta Powell Drake is the only person who is allowed to give celebrity interviews from here on out.

ESPN has shut down its Esports division altogether.

Soooo … that TikTok shutdown is off then?

This is how shitty 2020 has been.


  • Slasher has been ordered for a fourth season and is moving to Shudder.
  • Entrapped has been renewed and is headed to Netflix.

In Development

Casting News

Mark Your Calendar

  • WandaVision will premiere on Disney+ on January 15.

  • Big Mouth returns on Netflix on December 4.
  • Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reunion will debut on HBO Max on November 19.
  • Tiger will debut on HBO sometime in 2021.
  • El Cid will debut on Amazon on December 18.
  • We Can Be Heroes will debut on Netflix on January 1.

  • Baby God will premiere on HBO on December 2.
  • Dance Dreams: Hot Chocolate Nutcracker will premiere on Netflix on November 27.
  • 12 Dates of Christmas will debut on HBO Max on November 27.
  • Full Bloom is now streaming on HBO Max. 
  • For the Love of Jason will debut on UMC on November 19.
  • Resist will premiere on YouTube on November 18.
  • Dashing will debut on Paramount Network on December 13.


Israel Horovitz, Playwright and screenwriter whose shows launched the career of many well-known actors, but whose legacy was tarnished by accusations of sexual assault

Asif Basra, Bollywood actor



The Blacklist: Liz hatches a secret plan with her mother in the season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC

Becoming You: A docuseries about how our first 2,000 days shape us as people. Series premiere. Apple TV+

I Am Greta: A documentary about that climate change firecracker, Greta Thunberg. Premiere. Hulu

Inside Pixar: A look inside the studio that changed animation and storytelling forever. Premiere. Disney+


Dolittle: It scored a 14 on Rotten Tomatoes. A 14! Exactly how much money did they throw at Robert Downey Jr. to be in this? 7 p.m., HBO

The Big Lebowski: Because:

8 p.m., Showtime 2


The Crown: OOOH, IT’S THE PRINCESS DIANA YEARS. Season premiere. Netflix

The People’s Choice Awards: I should note that the people gave Dolittle — the movie with a 14 rating from the critics — a 76. So, you know, what do the “people” really know? E!

Bob’s Burgers: It’s the 200th episode, guys! 8 p.m., Fox

The Reagans: A four-part documentary series, and how Nancy was the real power behind the scenes. Series premiere. 7 p.m., Showtime

Murder on Middle Beach: A young man explores his mother’s unsolved murder in this documentary series. Series premiere. 9 p.m., HBO

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (Friday): Post Malone, Phoebe Robinson, 2 Chainz

FRI. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC Shark Tank
CBS MacGyver
Undercover Boss
Blue Bloods
CW iHeartRadio Music Festival Night 1
FOX Friday Night Smackdown Local
NBC The Blacklist

SAT. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30 10:00 10:30 11:00 11:30
ABC College Football
CBS College Football
48 Hours News/Local
FOX College Football
NBC Weakest Link
Ellen’s Game of Games
Saturday Night Live
Saturday Night Live

SUN. 6:00 6:30 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC America’s Funniest Home Videos
Supermarket Sweep
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
Card Sharks
CBS 60 Minutes NCIS: Los Angeles
NCIS: New Orleans
The CW Local iHeartRadio Music Festival, Night 2
The Simp-sons
Bless the Harts
Bob’s Burgers
Family Guy
NBC Sunday Night Football


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