SOBER UP, EVERYONE. WE HAVE MATHS TO DO.

HOW IS EVERYONE FEELING? WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT DAY IT IS? I SURE AS HELL DO NOT.

Political Crap

It is the day after Election Day and we do not know who the President is. We were all sternly warned by many smart people that this would very likely happen, and to be prepared to be patient … but, easier said than done, you know?

In my fantasy Election Night, Florida would have been called for Biden early, or — and I did not allow myself to actually dream — or Texas would go blue and the game would be over. Obviously, neither happened, so when I saw Ohio was turning red, and we didn’t have any answers about Georgia, Wisconsin, Michigan, or Pennsylvania, I went to bed, knowing full well we were not going to have an answer last night.

Reader: It was 9:30.

Obviously, I did not stay asleep, and at 2:30 a.m., I was checking Twitter against my better judgment. By then, President Lil’ Dicky had falsely declared himself the winner and announced he was going to the Supreme Court to stop the counting of votes. But! Arizona had been called for Biden, and though President Vote-Stealer was leading in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania, by the time I fell back asleep at 4:30, things were beginning to quietly shift in Biden’s favor. 

You know things are fucked up in this country when the first words out of your Texan mouth when you wake up are, “WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MICHIGAN??!” But here we are.

So, what, exactly is going on? In case you haven’t been gorging on a strict diet of cable news and Twitter, the short answer is: GOP fuckery.

The long answer is that the GOP in certain states partnered with the White House to make an electoral mess. In many states, including Florida and Texas, votes that arrive absentee, mail-in, or are cast early are allowed to be counted ahead of Election Day so that the states can confidently declare a winner that night.

However, in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania, Republican legislatures refused to change election laws or wrote election laws that prevented early votes and absentee/mail-in votes from being counted until Election Day and sometimes even later. They insist they were preventing “election fraud,” but the more cynical explanation is that they knew perfectly well that mail-in votes were going to skew heavily Democratic and they needed a mechanism to make sure they were counted last. That way, if President Shouty was in the lead on Election Night in their states, he could declare himself the winner and demand that the mail-in votes be tossed.

OH MY GOD, THEY ARE NOT “FINDING” VOTES, THEY ARE COUNTING VOTES YOUR GOONS MADE THEM WAIT TO COUNT. JESUS CHRIST HE MAKES MY HEAD HURT.

Funny story: two days ago, Axios reported that President Crook would “declare victory on Tuesday night if it looks like he’s ‘ahead,’ according to three sources familiar with his private comments. That’s even if the Electoral College outcome still hinges on large numbers of uncounted votes in key states like Pennsylvania.”

Fortunately, the media did not, for the most part, just repeat President Liar’s claim that he had won, but instead pushed back on it, reminding Americans that the votes are still being counted and might be for some time.

Those of us old enough to remember the 2000 election are certainly having some vivid flashbacks right about now, but I, remarkably, am remaining calm. For now. Biden appears to have won Wisconsin, and in Michigan, Biden is increasing his lead. In Georgia, Trump is leading by as few as 80,000 votes, and there are still about 250,000 votes left to count — most of which are absentee, and we know how those lean:

Things are looking good for Biden even without Pennsylvania which still has more than a million votes from Democratic cities uncounted as of now.

It’s entirely possible Biden could get to 270 Electoral College votes by this afternoon — or maybe it will take until tomorrow or Friday — but the window for President Firestarter to legally challenge this election is closing by the minute. It’s not impossible! He’s going to do whatever he can to sow chaos, for sure! I just don’t think it will work if Biden maintains a strong enough lead in enough of these swing states. Yes, President Sore Loser is already asking for a recount in Wisconsin, but he might not have grounds for one. Even ~checks notes~ Scott Walker says so:

All that said, the fact that this election wasn’t a goddamned blowout despite the fact that one of the candidates is an impeached white supremacist who set fire to our alliances, wrecked our institutions, upended our standing in the world, tried to destroy the first amendment,  separated hundreds of children from their parents, drove up the deficit to $27 trillion dollars, set race relations ablaze, stole two (arguably three) Supreme Court seats, is a known sex creep who has been accused of rape, doesn’t pay taxes — like, AT ALL –, made God only knows how much off of the office, is beholden and in debt to foreign actors and banks, had at least eight of his associates arrested, called our military heroes “suckers and losers,” accused our healthcare works of profiting off of death, repeats insane conspiracy theories about Satanic baby-eating cabals, and allowed almost 250,000 Americans to die from a pandemic all while not having a second term agenda … well, America, we need to talk.

In the meantime, BREATHE.

#MeToo

Ron Jeremy was charged with seven additional sexual assault counts last week.

Extraction producer David Guillod has been arrested again on new sexual assault charges.

Gérard Depardieu’s rape case is being reopened in France.

Miriam Haley has sued Harvey Weinstein in civil court after he was found guilty of raping her earlier this year.

Former Dodger Yasiel Puig is being sued by a woman who says he sexually assaulted her in 2018.

A U.K. court has ruled that Johnny Depp can, in fact, be called a “wife-beater.”

Charlotte Kirk, the actress who has been accused of extorting a number of industry bigwigs, is suing her lawyers, saying she had been taken advantage of.

Going Viral

While we were paying attention to the election yesterday, 1,199 Americans died of COVID-19. As of right now, 238,746 Americans have died.

Family Karma has paused filming as someone in production tested positive.

Karlovy Vary International Film Festival 54½ has been canceled.

But some actual good COVID-19 news: endangered sea turtles are coming back in Mexico thanks to the hard work of the Indigenous Seri community, and an assist from COVID, as there are fewer tourists and fishing boats.

All Other TV News

Fox News is bracing itself for a falloff of viewers after the election. Of course, if the election never ends …

As for the possibility that President Loser starts his own cable news network, Lachlan Murdoch welcomes the competition. Of course, it’s going to be hard to run a network from prison.

Warner Brothers is very sorry for giving the witches in The Witches only three fingers and offending people with limb differences.

The BBC is reinvestigating how Martin Bashir landed that famous interview with Princess Diana after her brother, the Earl of Spencer, alleged that Bashir used forged documents and false rumors to convince her to give it. And yet … she was a grown-ass adult who could have said no if she wanted to? It doesn’t sound like Bashir blackmailed her? I don’t know, this is a weird story.

Cancellations

  • Castle Rock has been canceled on Hulu after two seasons.

In Development

Mark Your Calendars

  • The Walking Dead Holiday Special  — not making this up — will stream on AMC+ on December 13.
  • RuPaul’s Drag Race U.K. will air in early 2021 in the United Kingdom. No date for the U.S. just yet.

 

 
 
 
 
 
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2021 just got “much bettah” #DragRaceUK

A post shared by RuPaul’s Drag Race UK (@dragraceukbbc) on

R.I.P.

Mel Boudrot, Commercial voice actor and leader in Screen Actors Guild and SAG-AFTRA

WATCH THIS

Love & Anarchy: A successful businesswoman has her life turned upside down when she gets caught in a game with a younger man, challenging each other to do outrageous things. Series premiere. Netflix

Jimmy Kimmel Live!: President Kanye will be the guest. Looks like someone canceled. Election hero Steve Kornacki will be a guest, instead, once he wakes up. 10:30 p.m., ABC

Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Sarah Silverman, Dua Lipa, Steve Kornacki, Common featuring Black Thought
  • Late Night with Seth Meyers: Leslie Jones
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Larry Wilmore, Laura Benanti
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Henry Winkler, the Kills
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Kanye West
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Conan: Al Franken
  • Watch What Happens Live: Jenny McCarthy, Emily Simpson

WEDS. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Goldbergs
(new)
American Housewife
(new)
The Conners
(new)
black-ish
(new)
The Con
(new)
CBS The Amazing Race
(new)
The Amazing Race
(new)
S.W.A.T.
(repeat)
CW Devils
(new)
Coroner
(new)
Local
FOX The Masked Singer
(new)
I Can See Your Voice
(new)
News/Local
NBC The Wall
(repeat)
American Ninja Warrior
(new)

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