What day of the week is it?— Joyce Alene (@JoyceWhiteVance) October 27, 2020
IT IS TUESDAY, JOYCE WE ARE ONE WEEK FROM THE ELECTION, JOYCE. AAAAAHAHHHAHHHHHH
HERE IS A LIVE FEED OF A BABY SEA OTTER NAMED JOEY AAAAAHHAHHHHHH
Yesterday sucked. Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice at the White House because they can’t even pretend this isn’t a wildly hypocritical partisan hack job, and Brett Kavanaugh wrote the 5-3 Supreme Court ruling released yesterday that said Wisconsin doesn’t have to count any mail-in votes that are postmarked by Election Day but arrive after.
This Supreme Court decision is exactly what has many people terrified about this election: that the White House was fucking with the Post Office so as to slow mail-in votes, so that they could have the courts rule that votes that arrive late should be thrown away, disenfranchising hundreds of thousands and giving President Cheater an advantage.
Meanwhile, President Voter Suppression is continuing to tweet out that we must know the winner of the election by the night of November 3:
Big problems and discrepancies with Mail In Ballots all over the USA. Must have final total on November 3rd.— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 26, 2020
First of all, there are not any “big problems and discrepancies” with mail-in ballots all over the country, but second of all, we don’t actually have to have the final total on November 3rd. We’ve never had the final tally on Election Day, ever. What we have on Election Day is who the media projects is the winner. Does President Dumbass really want the Fake News to determine who the winner is?
2. Let's start at the beginning. A U.S. presidential election is actually 51 *different* elections (50 states + DC), in which each jurisdiction votes for presidential *electors.* It's the *electors* who vote for President — and they don't meet until *41 days* after the election: pic.twitter.com/Sjrf6M2HNn— Steve Vladeck (@steve_vladeck) October 27, 2020
4. And even for in-person ballots, it's usually not possible for states to *finish* counting *on* Election Day, especially since many state's laws don't allow *any* counting of ballots until all of the polls have closed (which happens sometime on the evening of Election Day).— Steve Vladeck (@steve_vladeck) October 27, 2020
6. Indeed, only *one* state (Delaware, of course) has a certification deadline that's less than one week after Election Day.— Steve Vladeck (@steve_vladeck) October 27, 2020
Every other state waits at least a week — and some *require* waiting far longer — to officially certify their election results.https://t.co/9DCW21tJOm
8. On election night, what we hear are *projections* that the media makes based upon evolving vote tallies and exit polls.— Steve Vladeck (@steve_vladeck) October 27, 2020
And when those projections give one candidate a majority in the Electoral College, those media groups "call" the election. But *NONE* of that is "official."
10. But if the media isn't able to call it Tuesday, that's not because of some nefarious plot; it's simply because the results are sufficiently close in the right number of states that it isn't yet clear who won — and won't be until those states finish counting all legal ballots.— Steve Vladeck (@steve_vladeck) October 27, 2020
Anyway, this is a long way of saying that it is vital that you vote and vote early. If you were planning on putting your ballot in the mail, make other plans, because that window has closed, my friend. I speak from a place of knowledge: my son voted by mail from his school in Georgia. He mailed his ballot on October 19, last Monday. It did not arrive in Harris County until yesterday, one week later. Before this administration hobbled the post office, mail took about three days. Fuck, the Pony Express delivered mail from Missouri to California in less than 10 days.
My point is that if you put that ballot in the mail today, there’s no guarantee that your vote will arrive before Election Day and there is a good chance it will be thrown out.
We CAN fix some of these problems that the Republicans have saddled us with through their court-packing, gerrymandering, and voter suppression, but it’s going to take an overwhelming number of us getting out there and voting ON OR BEFORE Election Day. We can’t let this election be close, we can’t allow there to be any doubt, we can’t allow their judges even a sliver of room to steal this election, because they will. I know it’s scary to vote in person with this virus running rampant out there, but it is the only guarantee that we have against a party that will do absolutely anything to maintain control.
Let’s do this thing.
In Water is Wet news: White men still dominate the ranks of TV executives according to a recent study. UNRELATED, I AM SURE: 20% of women and 10% of men who work in Hollywood report that they have been sexually assaulted at work. Alarmingly, 1 in 20 women in the survey claims they’ve been assaulted in the past year. Good lord.
Sex cult leader and subject of The Vow and Seduced (which is a quite good docuseries on the NXIVM cult, by the way, and an interesting companion to The Vow) Keith Raniere insists he’s innocent, but a federal judge is unconvinced and denied him a new trial. BOOHOO.
That asshole Prince Andrew thinks he will rejoin the monarchy and resume public duties. UH, READ THE ROOM, BRO.
Matthew McConaughey reveals in his new memoir that he was sexually abused as a teenager, and blackmailed into having unwanted sex.
“What is wrong with these men and their penises?” [Julia] Louis-Dreyfus says now, indignantly, about the recent news. “Can they not keep their penises in their pants? It is the strangest phenomenon. And you know, it’s not the first time it’s happened—clearly not, because there was a scene about it in Seinfeld 25 years ago! And Elaine was as baffled and repulsed by it then, as we are now.” Girl, preach.
231,000 Americans are dead from COVID-19 and President Contagion is out here tweeting that news coverage of the virus should be illegal.
We have made tremendous progress with the China Virus, but the Fake News refuses to talk about it this close to the Election. COVID, COVID, COVID is being used by them, in total coordination, in order to change our great early election numbers.Should be an election law violation!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 26, 2020
How did I forget to cover this INSANE story yesterday? According to The Wall Street Journal, that lunatic Michael Caputo had a plan to vaccinate mall Santas, Mrs. Clauses, and Elves as “essential workers,” as part of the HHS’s plan to “defeat despair.” Or something.
Rob Brown, a video producer at Fox News, has died of COVID-19.
CBS has had to cut their episode orders this season, from 22 to somewhere around 16-18.
Slutcracker: The Movie will be released on VOD because of the pandemic, and no, I did not make up that title. Apparently, this is a burlesque show that has been performing for 13 years now.
To prevent future spread of COVID-19, Davis reminded Angelenos that it is best to celebrate at home with your household. However, if you are going to host or attend a private gathering, it must adhere to the following protocols:
-Held outdoors with physical distancing between households
-Limited to 3 households, including the host and all guests
-Cloth face coverings being worn when not eating or drinking
-Food served in single-serve disposable containers
-Last for two hours or less
It’s going to be a rough holiday season, guys. Please be careful.
All Other TV News
Here’s your new Batwoman:
You know what was a good show that could be rebooted? Northern Exposure.
A couple of Californian billionaires are having a fight over a sculpture that has escalated to the point where one is blasting the theme song of Gilligan’s Island at the other at all times of night and day.
- Assassin’s Creed will be turned into a series on Netflix.
- The Texanist, a comedy starring and produced by Thomas Haden Church, is in development at Fox.
- Platonic, a comedy starring Rose Byrne and Seth Rogen, has been ordered at Apple TV+.
- Concrete Cowboy, an Idris Elba film about the Northern Philadelphia Black cowboy movement, has been bought at Netflix.
- Born to Be Murdered, a thriller starring John David Washington, has been bought by Netflix.
- Netflix announced five new anime series: Rilakkuma’s Theme Park Adventure; Thermae Romae Novae; High-Rise Invasion; Thus Spoke Kishibe Rohan; and The Way of the Househusband.
- A Suitable Boy has been bought by Acorn TV.
- Supreme Inequality: The Supreme Court’s 50-Year Battle for a More Unjust America is being turned into a timely TV series.
- Duke of the Valley, a sitcom based on Dick Van Patten’s memoirs, written by his son and grandson, and starring a bunch of Van Pattens, including Eileen Davidson and also somehow Caitlyn Jenner, is being developed but does not have a home yet.
- Sheldon Turner and Jennifer Klein have signed a first-look deal at A+E Studios.
- Kathy Hilton has joined The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. OH LORD, BRACE YOURSELVES.
- Crystal Kung Minkoff has joined The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, making her the first Asian-American on the cast.
- Allison Tolman and Nick Frost have joined the cast of Why Women Kill on CBS All Access.
- Adam Sandler will star in The Spaceman of Bohemia on Netflix.
- Alicia von Rittberg will star in Becoming Elizabeth on Starz.
- Jaden Michael has been cast as young Colin Kaepernick in Colin in Black & White on Netflix.
- Nick Tarabay, Jonathan Cake, and Ysa Penarejo are joining the cast of Stargirl on The CW.
Mark Your Calendars
- The Midnight Sky will premiere on Netflix on December 23.
- Saved by the Bell will premiere on Peacock on November 25.
- Jersey Shore Family Vacation will return on MTV on November 19.
- Crazy, Not Insane will debut on HBO Max on November 18.
- Rose Island will debut on Netflix on December 9.
- Empires of New York will debut on CNBC on November 29.
- Wayne will premiere on Amazon on November 6.
- Doug Unplugs will debut on Apple TV+ on November 13.
- American Gods will return on Starz on January 10. Read Neil Gaiman’s letter to fans here.
- Buddy vs. Christmas will premiere on Food Network on November 22.
- With Drawn Arms will debut on Starz on November 2.
Prince Azim, Film producer and son of the Sultan of Brunei
This Is Us: Happy 40th, Pearsons! Two-hour season premiere. 8 p.m., NBC
Sarah Cooper: Everything’s Fine: Sarah Cooper is the comedian who went viral lip-syncing Donald Trump. She now has her own Netflix special covering politics and race with an assist from a few famous friends, including Megan Thee Stallion, Helen Mirren, Aubrey Plaza, Ben Stiller, Connie Chung, Danielle Brooks, Eddie Pepitone, Jane Lynch, Jonathan Van Ness, Jordan Black, Marcella Arguello, Maya Rudolph, Tommy Davidson, Whoopi Goldberg, Winona Ryder, Jon Hamm, Fred Armisen, and Marisa Tomei. Premiere. Netflix
The Price Is Right At Night: Nighttime Plinko! 7 p.m., CBS
Let’s Make a Deal Primetime: Also, nighttime zonks! 8 p.m., CBS
The Soul of America: A documentary based on John Meacham’s book of the same title, which explores some of America’s greatest struggles, including the suffrage movement, the civil rights movement, and the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II. Premiere. 8 p.m., HBO
Frontline: “The Choice 2020: Trump vs. Biden.” I watched this same Frontline back in 2016 when it was about Trump and Clinton and came away feeling very smug and confident that everything was going to be just fine under President Clinton. I understand this makes me very superstitious, but there is no way I’m watching this year. 8 p.m., PBS
The Bachelorette: SHIT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN. 7 p.m., ABC
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Shawn Mendes, Tig Notaro
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Natalie Portman, Cindy McCain
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Sarah Cooper
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Billy Porter, David Byrne, Kane Brown
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Anne Hathaway, H.E.R.
- The Daily Show: TBA
- Conan: TBA
- Watch What Happens Live: Wynonna Judd, Diplo
|CBS||The Price Is Right
|Let’s Make a Deal
|The FBI Declassified
|Tell Me a Story
|FOX||Cosmos: Possible Worlds
|This Is Us
|This Is Us