‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: The Vander-shaped hole in the room

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 1”
July 16, 2019

Welcome to the ninth Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion and the first without the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills once and former Queen Lisa Vanderpump.

lisa vanderpump done with nonsense rhobh

She will be missed.

We begin the reunion in the traditional manner: with Andy Cohen greeting each of the women individually:

He welcomes Denise to her first reunion, and Denise chirps that she’s excited to be there.

The other women:

the simpsons what a noob

Andy tells Dorit that he loves her look for the reunion. It should be noted that she looks like she’s wrapped her entire self, including her skull, in tinfoil. You can do that, Dorit, but they’ll still hear your thoughts.

dorit rhobh reunion hair clips

Erika, who is dressed as Mrs. Girardi tonight, calls her look: “Lawyer’s Wife Fabulous.”

With Teddi, Andy notes what a difference a year makes (meaning that she’s on speaking terms with Dorit, whom she is sitting next to), and asks what advice her father gave her: “Don’t have your boobs hanging out, and Mellencamps don’t cry.”

Rinna, who had fully embraced the wig lifestyle by the end of this season, is wearing yet another wig, and Andy tells her that somewhere Brandi is “toasting” her.

Doubtful.

rinna rhobh real housewives of beverly hills thank you wig reunion

And as for Kyle, he compliments her on her neon dress. OK.

Andy then addresses the VanderElephant in the room — or, as the case is, NOT in the room. Andy explains that the day before, Lisa gave an interview to the Daily Mail revealing that she would not be attending the reunion and, in fact, is quitting the show altogether. YOU CAN’T FIRE HER, ANDY, SHE QUITS.

Andy, not above being a petty bitch, plays footage from the third season reunion when LaMaloof didn’t show up, and he was forced to fire her. At the time, Lisa had PLENTY to VanderSay about LaMaloof being too cowardly to show her face at the reunion.

From my recap then:

Kyle agrees that the whole La Maloof thing is “shocking” and sad, but Lisa is all, Vanderplease. When you agree to be on a reality show, you have to be prepared to open up your life — you’re entering the viewers’ living rooms, you can’t be trying to hide secrets or get all litigious when someone says something true about your life that you don’t want the world to know. And Vandermore, all Brandi really did to La Maloof was expose that she is a la lying liar who lied all the lying time.

Andy Cohen asks the ladies if La Maloof will be missed, and Brandi is like, girl, please. Sober Kim is disappointed in La Maloof for setting a bunch of fires and then not taking any responsibility, and Lisa Vandersneers that La Maloof has been leaking stories to the press suggesting that it was her decision not to return the show, but we all know the truth, right, Andy Cohen?

checkmate btich lisa vanderpump rhobh real housewives of beverly hills

The other women are like, “What a VanderCoward.”

Andy also reads from a Radar Online article in which a VanderSource claims that Lisa has been “burned at the stake and nailed to the cross.”

lol-bitch-please-robert-downey-jr

(Notably, Andy leaves out the part where Lisa VanderThreatened to move Vanderpump Rules to another network, and how the comments about “burned at the stake” were as much about her feeling betrayed by Bravo as she was the other women. BUT I DIGRESS.)

Rinna continues to half-expect Lisa to make some big Vandermatic entrance, and Kyle, bless her, brought the birthday VanderPresent she bought for Lisa in the hopes that she would show up.

She is absolutely not going to show up.

Andy turns to Rinna to ask her about a recent Twitter fight she and Harry Hamlin had with his ex-wife Nicolette Sheridan over her affair with Michael Bolton, and the long and short of it is, she called Rinna’s accusation that she cheated on Harry Hamlin with Michael Bolton “fake news.” Rinna don’t care: “BITCH, I DON’T CARE. It lead me to my fabulous life with Harry Hamlin, so, thank you, Michael Bolton!”

Andy notes that people have been tweeting him to add Sheridan to the show, and Rinna reminds everyone that Denise’s husband Aaron was ALSO married to Nicolette Sheridan.

nicolette sheridan have a nice time with my ex whore

Andy: “You’re making a compelling case for her to be on the show.”

HE IS NOT WRONG, RINNA.

We are treated to our first montage: Denise! Just … Denise.

After, Andy marvels at how “chill” Denise is about everything before asking what Charlie Sheen’s reaction to her being on the show was. She confirms that he’s supportive, though he didn’t appreciate her sharing the “lady of the night” at Thanksgiving story. (Denise also doesn’t really give a shit.)

A viewer asks Erika what she thinks of Denise’s laid-back style and Erika is all, “For it.” (I mean, did the viewer really expect Erika to say something nasty here? It seems like it, but that ain’t Erika’s thing. The viewer should have asked Dorit.)

A viewer asks Denise about her relationship with Charlie Sheen and marvels at how other people would need years of therapy after what he put her through. Denise shrugs that it sucked, but ultimately he was still her daughters’ father, and she had to make it work for them. To that end, she moved into his neighborhood to keep an eye on him, and he always knew she had his back. Denise insists that she’s not a saint ~cough~ but that she tries to not be negative about her children’s father, which is a remarkably mature attitude a number of people I know could learn a thing or 90 from.

Andy notes that she could have taken Charlie Sheen to the cleaners in their divorce, but she didn’t and she confirms that in fact, they didn’t have a prenup and that he started Two and a Half Men while they were married.

daffy duck money eyes

But she didn’t ask for half because she’s a DAMN FOOL. Girl, you deserved at least half for surviving The Year of Charlie Sheen. WE ALL DESERVED HALF.

Denise confirms that Aaron and Charlie Sheen are on good terms and that Aaron was the one to call him to let him know they were getting married out of “respect.” Great, I guess, but also, no.

Andy then asks about her youngest daughter, Eloise, and Denise explains that she has a chromosomal disorder that will always cause her developmental delays but that she is a bright light and free spirit. Dorit cries and cries. (It’s not about Dorit.)

The next montage is: KYLE’S ANXIETY DISORDER.

nervous owl panic

A viewer asks Rinna if she regrets taking Kyle to the mammogram with her (no) and then Andy shares what sounds like viewers’ conspiracy theories about Kyle’s whole meltdown at the mammogram place being fake because you don’t get results back that quickly? To which Kyle and Rinna are like, “well, at this place you do.”

A different viewer asks Dorit about her mammograms with her “gigantic implants,” to which Dorit is like, “EXCUSE ME?”

Another viewer asks Teddi if she ever sent Kyle to her therapist to help keep Kyle from spiraling and in fact, they show previously unseen footage in which Kyle and Teddi went to a therapist together to try to learn relaxation techniques.

It was not successful.

A viewer asks Erika why she posted, “All hail the true queen, Kyle Richards,” and Erika is like, “Because look who is sitting here today. She is our leader. She is the last original cast member standing. Kyle is the queen.”

 

SPEAKING OF ORIGINAL CAST MEMBERS, Camille Grammer joins the women and the tension, IT IS PALPABLE, Y’ALL.

Andy begins by congratulating Camille on her beautiful wedding before noting that he wants whatever it was Mauricio was enjoying the night before her big day. (In fact, according to Andy, the crew was laughing so hard, they couldn’t use some of the audio from that dinner.) Kyle tries to act like she’s amused, but it’s clear she’s irritated by the entire discussion and wishes everyone would stop bringing it up already. HER HUSBAND IS NOT A POTHEAD.

A viewer asks Camille how she’s surviving living in a 1,200 square foot trailer home while her other house is being built, and she laughs that they’re making it work. Andy reminds her of the time in the first season when she turned up her nose at a 3,500 square foot New York apartment (which is positively luxurious) she laughs that she “had a Malibu estate then, what do you expect?”

hitchcock guillotine

Andy remarks that earlier they discussed Denise’s philosophy of raising children with an ex, and Camille responds that her mother actually called her about Denise’s interviews on the show, and noted how classy she is for making it about the kids before adding that Camille could take some notes. And that’s true! But Kelsey Grammer is still an asshole.

A viewer asks Camille what the real reason is behind her keeping the name “Grammer,” but there’s no gotcha here: it’s because her kids’ last name is “Grammer.” Sometimes it’s just that simple. Denise responds that she changed her name back after her divorce, but I’m not going to get all judgy about this: different people make different choices about this sort of thing, and you know what? They’re all valid.

But Denise is charged up about something … and Andy asks Camille about Denise’s not having a prenup, and how she could have asked for half but didn’t. I guess the unsaid thing here is that Camille did demand half and got it? Because Camille gets huffy and says that she was married for 13 years to Denise’s 5, and that she worked hard. She didn’t just buy fancy clothes and shove bonbons into her mouth.

Denise: “I don’t even know what a bonbon is.”

Backstage, Denise and Teddi are trying to figure out what the hell has crawled up Camille’s ass …

what's going on happening jordan bachelor in paradise bip

… and settle on that she’s not getting laid.

Back on set, we are “treated” to the SEXXXXXYTIMES montage.

snl kate mckinnon humping paul rudd sex

A viewer asks Denise why she’s OK with letting another women get Aaron off, why not do it herself? Denise explains that she does do it all the time, but that Aaron had never received a professional happy ending as if this is an explanation to anything.

As for Erika saying that Mr. Girardi probably has slept with a sex worker, how’d he take that, one viewer wants to know. Erika adds a little more information, noting that when he was younger he would go to Las Vegas. When he and his friends would do well, the casinos would send “back scratchers” up to their rooms. So, you know, she’s under no illusion that he hasn’t been with a sex worker a time or two.

A viewer asks Denise just, exactly, how big Aaron’s penis is since she couldn’t shut up about it. Denise protests she only mentioned that he had a big penis once (it was four times) (at one dinner) before announcing that it is bigger than Kyle’s shoe.

breaking bad shocked jesse aaron paul

A viewer asks Rinna, as a racy photo taker herself, what she thinks of the photo that Denise posted of Aaron on Instagram, and everyone agrees that it was hot. HOWEVER, Denise admits she’s taken it down because it embarrassed her daughters.

GEE, WHY?

Aaron Denise instagram

THE INTERNET IS FOREVER, DENISE.

Another viewer asks Rinna how she and Harry Hamlin keep things spicy in the bedroom: role-playing. YOUR POOR DAUGHTERS ARE WATCHING, RINNA.

rhobh meet rinna jayne dancing dance

Andy then moves on to the next montage: The Never-ending Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy Drama.

lucy lucy apple juicy

Since Lisa’s not there to give her VanderSide of the story, Andy is left with Teddi to tell what happened. Teddi begins by apologizing to Dorit, again, before explaining that before the season began, she started receiving phone calls from Lisa’s VanderPeople who looped her in on the whole dog story and insisted Lisa wanted to get her involved.

Denise asks why Teddi got involved at all, and Teddi admits that she was really angry at Dorit. They had a ton of issues between them and following the reunion the year before, she learned that Dorit refused to go to an event with the rest of the ladies if Teddi was going to be there. It hurt her feelings, and she lashed out.

Andy is confused by the single most obvious thing about this whole mess: why didn’t Teddi talk to Lisa about it directly instead of through all of her VanderPeople. BECAUSE LISA WANTED TO KEEP HER VANDERHANDS CLEAN, ANDY, AND BE ABLE TO MAINTAIN VANDERDENIABILITY, UHVANDERDUH. But Teddi just talks around it, repeating that they were the ones she talked to and it was all about making Dorit look bad and all the things we’ve already heard one jathousand times.

Finally, Dorit pouts that the thing that stuck with her is that it wasn’t that Teddi felt bad about doing this to her, it’s that Teddi only backed out when she realized Lisa wasn’t going to allow herself to be VanderTainted by it.

Which is a fair point, but at the same time, has anyone ever seen this show before?

PART TWO ON ITS WAY.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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