‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Tears on my (stained) pillow

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 1”
March 25, 2013

I’m so sorry to be terribly late with the first part of the reunion, Darlings. I could give you excuses, but instead I’ll give you what you really want: both parts of the reunion all at once. And with this we can say goodbye to one of the most exhausting and simultaneously boring and tumultuous seasons of this series yet. Goodbye season. Goodbye Camille. Goodbye La Maloof. Goodbye Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof. Goodbye Maloof Hoof. Goodbye Chef Bernie. Goodbye back hair. Goodbye whatever La Maloof’s stupid little dog’s name was, all I know is that little rat dog was no Giggy no matter how hard La Maloof tried. Goodbye.

Now let’s do this thing.

lisa llama let's get this party started real housewives of beverly hills rhobh

After welcoming everyone and telling them how fabulous they look, Andy Cohen announces that La Maloof has chosen to not attend the reunion with an acute case of The Worsts. And because she’s not attending the reunion she is not welcome back next season. Good day, La Maloof. ANDY COHEN SAYS GOOD DAY. Kyle agrees that the whole La Maloof thing is “shocking” and sad, but Lisa is all, Vanderplease. When you agree to be on a reality show, you have to be prepared to open up your life — you’re entering the viewers’ living rooms, you can’t be trying to hide secrets or get all litigious when someone says something true about your life that you don’t want the world to know. And Vandermore, all Brandi really did to La Maloof was expose that she is a la lying liar who lied all the lying time.

Andy Cohen asks the ladies if La Maloof will be missed, and Brandi is like, girl, please. Sober Kim is disappointed in La Maloof for setting a bunch of fires and then not taking any responsibility, and Lisa Vandersneers that La Maloof has been leaking stories to the press suggesting that it was her decision not to return the show, but we all know the truth, right, Andy Cohen?

The first montage of the evening is entitled: “Brandi: STFU.” Andy Cohen asks Brandi to clarify where it all went wrong between Brandi and La Maloof, and Brandi explains for the eleventy-seventh time that before last season’s reunion, La Maloof asked her to gang up on Lisa, and to take back some things she had tweeted. When Brandi refused, La Maloof started leaking stories about Brandi being an unfit mother to Radar Online. Which, uncool. Brandi bit back by saying whatever it was she said that time she said something at SUR which apparently we are still not going to learn even though La Maloof is no longer on the series and whatever it was that Brandi said was supposedly factual, so thanks for nothing, ANDY COHEN.

Andy Cohen asks Sober Kim if she regrets telling La Maloofs about Brandi saying whatever it was that she said that we will never know, not really, I mean we have our guesses, but whatever. Sober Kim admits that she didn’t expect them to go so bonkers, but that having been someone who tried to keep her alcoholism a secret throughout the first season, she thought it was wrong for Brandi to be going around talking about someone else’s business. Note to Sober Kim: You did not do a good job of keeping your alcoholism a secret that first season, honey. Kyle didn’t tell us anything in that limousine that we didn’t already know, I promise.

Andy Cohen notes that La Maloof accused Brandi in the press of creating drama for sport, and Brandi responds that she’s a sweet loving person until you cross her, and then she will cut a bish. (Or if you hide her crutches. Don’t hide her crutches unless you want your weave pulled out of your head. Seriously. For serious.) Kyle, shockingly, comes to Brandi’s defense noting that her claws would come out, too, if someone attacked her as a mother. Brandi further notes that Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof called her to apologize, because after he and La Maloof split up, suddenly someone was putting stories out about him because La Maloof has one weapon in her arsenal: Radar Online.

And the threatened lawsuit? What was the deal with that, exactly? Brandi explains that OK, maybe she didn’t exactly receive the letter threatening to sue directly, maybe her friend who used to work for La Maloof received the letter and Brandi’s name was CC’d on it. BUT SHE HAD TO HIRE A LAWYER TO DEFEND HERSELF AND IT COST HER $2,000 $10,000, SOBER KIM SO SHUT YOUR SOBER MOUTH.

Andy Cohen wonders why La Maloof would go on a reality show if she had this secret, and Brandi speculates that money can buy things, but it can’t buy fame, so. Andy Cohen then finishes the “Brandi: STFU” segment with a viewer’s question asking if maybe Brandi isn’t the problem. YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I AM, ANDY COHEN, responds Brandi because she’s terrific.

Andy Cohen presents the next montage: “The Women Don’t Always Hate Each Other, Not Always. Sometimes They Can Play Nice. Like, Twice, Maybe Two Times They Can Play Nice,” and then everyone laughs about Kyle peeing herself in Ojai. Gross, Kyle.

A viewer wonders what is stuck up Yoyawnda’s aars, why she couldn’t just open up and enjoy herself, and Yoyawnda claims it’s a “Dutch thing.” This is not a very good excuse. But it does make for a natural introduction to the next montage: “Yoyawnda: Just Look at All These Damn Lemons.”

Andy Cohen asks Yoyawnda what it was like to be the new giantess in the group, and Yoyawnda whines that she was tossed into a shark tank and wasn’t introduced to anyone properly. Lisa, who previously knew Yoyawnda through The Sultan, Vandersplains that she didn’t reach out to Yoyawnda before filming began because she didn’t want to influence her opinions of anyone, which, fair enough! But Yoyawnda keeps pouting that no one made her feel welcome. Kyle takes exception to this, and the two hiss back and forth at one another about who didn’t invite whom for dinner, and when they did or did not invite them over was it on-camera or off-camera? And though it’s a little hard to make sense of because of all the cross-yelling, long story short, Yoyawnda didn’t feel welcomed by anyone, and Kyle thought she was a stand-offish danish. YOYAWNDA WAS PROTECTING HER HEART, KYLE. WHAT ABOUT THAT DON’T YOU GET, KYLE? AND ANYWAY, KYLE, WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOYAWNDA SAT IN HER CAR SICK ON YOUR DRIVEWAY AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN OFFER HER A GLASS OF WATER? WHAT ABOUT THAT? Kyle is like, Do driveway what now? Brandi adds that Yoyawnda was also hurt that no one visited her when she was at Cedars, and Yoyawnda is like, YEAH, THAT TOO. But Kyle protests that she didn’t even know Yoyawnda was at Cedars so how could she have visited? How was Kyle supposed to know if Yoyawnda didn’t tell her? YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE, counters Yoyawnda.

Andy Cohen asks Yoyawnda about her amazing comment about how the other women should be honored to be in the same room as David Foster, and Yoyawnda is like, “Yes? And?” A viewer then asks Yoyawnda about telling her daughter she’ll become a lesbian if she plays volleyball, and Yoyawnda is all, “Yes? And?” When she goes on to say that she would love her children no matter what choices they make, Andy Cohen is like, “Excuse me, choice?” WELL IT’S DEBATABLE, ANDY COHEN, Yoyawnda replies to Andy Cohen’s wonky glare of disapproval. Andy Cohen calls Yoyawnda out for ordering the workers at the Sultan’s house to speak The English, and Yoyawnda is like, “Yes? And?” Finally, a viewer asks Yoyawnda if she and David Foster have a prenup. “Yes? And?”

Andy Cohen asks Yoyawnda if it’s true she had never seen an episode of Real Housewives of Anything before joining the cast, and Yoyawnda confirms that she is one of those insufferable snots who talks endlessly about how they don’t watch TV, they only read books because you can be someone who watches television or you can be someone who reads, but you can’t do both because the two are mutually exclusive, the end. She admits that she turned Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on once, but all it was was a bunch of drunk ladies screaming at each other and it made her uncomfortable, so she turned it off and never watched again, and instead chose to join the cast, because that just makes good sense. Watching a bunch of drunk ladies scream at each other on television = uncomfortable. Being in person with the same drunk ladies as they scream at each other = totally comfortable.

Sober Kim notes that at first she was very excited when Yoyawnda joined the cast, but then The Master Cleanse happened and ruined everything in its lemony discharge. Sober Kim insists that they did not make plans to Master Cleanse and it is important that Yoyawnda acknowledge that because Sober Kim is in recovery and fighting to prove to everyone that she is no longer a loopy mess hopped up on goofy pills, busily making and then missing appointments. “Except that we did make plans,” responds Yoyawnda. NUH-UH, says Sober Kim. YUH-HUH, counters Yoyawnda for about 45 minutes, until Sober Kim finally admits that OK, maybe the producers had set up a time for Sober Kim to do the Master Cleanse with Yoyawnda, BUT THAT IS NOT THE SAME AS THE TWO OF THEM MAKING PLANS, YOYAWNDA. QUIT MAKING SOBER KIM LOOK LIKE AN IRRESPONSIBLE ADDICT, YOYAWNDA, JUST BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T ATTEND THE THING THAT SHE PROMISED THE PRODUCERS SHE WOULD ATTEND, YOYAWNDA. GAH.

Andy Cohen changes the conversation to ask Yoyawnda about her Lyme Disease (Are we sure it wasn’t Lemon Disease? Oof. Sorry. That was terrible.), which is why she spent time at the aforementioned Cedars, I guess, no one is clarifying that, but context clues! They are our friends in these reunions. Yoyawnda explains that her brain wasn’t functioning correctly and she was having difficulty forming sentences, like the time when she tried to confront Taylor about whatever, who even knows, and she just came off sounding like a huge jerk. Lyme Disease!

(This is brilliant. From here on out, I think they should all blame Lyme Disease for whatever inconsiderate nonsense that they do. Sober Kim, you didn’t miss the Master Cleanse because of goofballs, you missed it because Lyme Disease! Kyle, you didn’t ignore Yoyawnda’s driveway hydration issues because you’re selfish, it was because Lyme Disease! That time you texted Marisa Zanuck that she should give Mr. Marisa Zanuck a hall pass, Brandi, it was obviously Lyme Disease! Every single thing you did this season, La Maloof? Lyme Disease!)

ANYWAY, Andy Cohen is like, OK, Yoyawnda, so you were a jerk to Taylor’s face because Lyme Disease, but that doesn’t explain the things you wrote about her on your blog? And then somehow Taylor is apologizing to Yoyawnda because Yoyawnda is a terrifying Valkyrie.

Speaking of Taylor, time for the next montage: “Taylor: Wait, She’s Still a Housewife? Huh.” Andy Cohen asks Taylor if she thinks she has a drinking problem, and oh my God who cares, no, Andy Cohen, Taylor is no Drunk Kim. Sober Kim finds another excuse to be outraged, upset that Taylor wrote in her blog something about if Taylor had a nickel for every time Sober/Drunk Kim was a no-show, she could pay her attorney-boyfriend. IT REALLY HURTS SOBER KIM’S FEELINGS WHEN PEOPLE POINT OUT THAT SHE DOESN’T SHOW UP TO THINGS ALL OF THE TIME, TAYLOR, SHE IS IN RECOVERY.

Andy Cohen asks Taylor about the whole abandoning Kennedy to whomever, Kyle? Can Kyle take Kennedy? Cool, Taylor will be in another state, don’t call unless it’s an emergency thing. And before Taylor can say “Lyme Disease,” Brandi begins yelling at Kyle for discussing the situation with Marisa Zanuck because that’s the important point here, and not that Taylor is an irresponsible mother to her orphaned child. Andy Cohen turns his attention to Taylor’s legal problems in the wake of Russell’s death, and she explains that the purses she had to surrender to settle her case (because of course purses were used to settle her case) turned out to be fake, but, shockingly, her wedding ring was not.

Andy Cohen asks Taylor about her new boyfriend, who happens to be her attorney, who happens to still be married. Andy Cohen tries to get Brandi stirred up about this, but not even Brandi can muster fake outrage because oh my God who cares about Taylor.

Andy Cohen then teases Brandi that Leann Rimes joining the cast which pleaseohpleaseohplease make this really happen, Andy Cohen. COME ON. YOU OWE US FOR HOW BORING CAMILLE BECAME OVER THESE PAST TWO SEASONS.

Andy Cohen introduces the final montage of this hour: “Lisa and Kyle: Vanderenemies.” Lisa explains that her issue with Kyle was that she was forever defending La Maloof, to whom Kyle wasn’t particularly close — that is, until La Maloof wanted to list her house. OH VANDERSNAP! And isn’t it curious that Mauricio sold Lisa’s old house before the reunion, where Kyle felt so free to compare Lisa to Bobby Fisher.

checkmate btich lisa vanderpump rhobh real housewives of beverly hills

Kyle is outraged! OUTRAGED! that Lisa would Vanderttack her character in this fashion. HOW DARE SHE. Why, Kyle has been trying to mend things with Lisa — which, to Kyle’s credit, has been shown multiple times this season. But Lisa just continues to pout that Kyle never writes, she never calls. Andy Cohen asks Kyle if she feels like she’s been replaced by Brandi, and when Kyle admits that she does, Brandi snips that it’s because she doesn’t talk behind Lisa’s Vanderback. Andy Cohen asks Lisa if she’s holding Kyle to a different Vanderstandard, but she insists that she’s not: there has just been too much that has transpired between the two of them, and it’s going to take a long time for the friendship to be restored.

Andy Cohen drags Brandi back in the conversation, asking if she thinks Kyle is jealous of her. When Brandi says she does, and that is where all this drama is stemming from, Kyle turns her irritation in Brandi’s direction. She thought she and Brandi had gotten past this! Kyle doesn’t attack her! Yoyawnda interjects that this is untrue, pointing out that Kyle went after Brandi in Las Vegas, making fun of her plastic surgery. O RLY? retorts Kyle. WHY DON’T YOU TELL LISA WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HER IN PARIS? Yoyawnda insists that she has no idea what Kyle is talking about, so Kyle explains that in Paris, Yoyawnda called Lisa a Vanderphony who was only pretending to care about Soberish Kim, and added that she likes Brandi because she is honest, unlike Lisa. Yoyawnda insists that Kyle is full of stront, but Kyle insists that Yoyawnda called Lisa a Vanderphony to both herself and Sober Kim at the airport. BULSTRONT, Yoyawnda declares, and points out that Kyle didn’t even speak to Sober Kim at the airport, adding that she schlepped Sober Kim’s bags for her. This detail becomes a crucial — and hilarious — point later. YOU ARE A LIAR, Yoyawnda proclaims. NO, YOU ARE, replies Kyle.

And that’s when Sober Kim comes swooping in and claims that THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED: SHE (Lisa) WAS TALKING BEHIND MY BACK LAST NIGHT (and by “last night” she means the night before they were at the airport in Paris, not the night before the reunion, but go on, “Sober” Kim) — at which point Yoyawnda shakes her head that this is not the case. Lisa wasn’t talking behind Sober Kim’s back because she was right there in the room with Sober Kim. YO YAWN DA. YO YAWN DA. insists Sober Kim. SHE WAS TALKING BEHIND MY BACK AT DINNER. Yoyawnda explains that no, what Yoyawnda said was that it wasn’t nice of Lisa to keep bringing up an earlier conversation at dinner, but Sober Kim keeps screaming that YOYAWNDA SAID LISA WAS NOT HER FRIEND. You remember? sneers Yoyawnda, and OH, SHADE. ALL T. ALL SHADE. Sober Kim insists that SHE DOES REMEMBER, SHE HASN’T RELAPSED. YO YAWN DA.

Andy Cohen tries to intervene, but Kyle is hella mad at Yoyawnda, and notes that she’s so nice to everyone on camera, but then she talks smack about them on her blog. Yoyawnda shrugs that her blogs are her opinions. So who is Kyle supposed to believe, Yoyawnda or her blog? But Andy Cohen doesn’t care about this, he wants to know if Lisa Vanderbelieves that Yoyawnda said she was full of stront at the airport. Nope! replies Lisa, leaving us Vanderhanging for the second half of the reunion …

But you don’t have to wait because:

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Finale Part 2”
April 1, 2013


Lisa explains that she’s not going to just take Kyle’s word on this, where’s the evidence? Where’s the footage of Yoyawnda saying these things? Andy Cohen asks if Lisa’s is calling Kyle a Vanderliar, before having Lisa go over who she trusts the most in the group. Lisa explains that she’s not that close to Sober Kim, she trusts Brandi with her Vanderlife, she and Yoyawnda have history, Taylor is honest with her and she has some Vanderissues with Kyle. But Lisa still loves her! Kyle’s just not in her circle of Vandertrust anymore. Andy Cohen asks Kyle if she sees a future with Lisa, and Kyle pouts that her feelings have been hurt and OH MY GOD I DON’T CARE ANYMORE THIS IS ME NOT CARING EVERYONE BREAK UP AND LET IT GO. EVERYONE. ESPECIALLY YOU, ANDY COHEN.

Andy Cohen then introduces the next montage, “The War of the La Maloofs,” but since there are no La Maloofs present, why should we care? I don’t care! Divorce, don’t divorce, I don’t care! But Andy Cohen is going to make us do this thing, so Kyle wrings her hands about how she thought their bickering was just the La Maloof’s thing, but Lisa pipes up that La Maloof had confided in her — presumably pre-Maloof Hoofgate — that Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof had moved out a few times. Oh realllllly, Lisa? And you didn’t immediately sell this information to Radar Online, Lisa? And you call yourself a “Housewife.”

Speaking of the media, Andy Cohen notes that La Maloof has accused Brandi in the press of cozying up to Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof, because revenge? Brandi clarifies that they are not friends, merely cordial. And as for the charges that Brandi somehow broke up La Maloofs? What. Ever. La Please. And all of this would be considerably more interesting if La Maloofs were here to discuss it, BUT THEY ARE NOT, SO CAN WE MOVE ON, ANDY COHEN?

Nope. Has everyone heard that La Maloof is dating Rod Stewart’s son? Yes, gross, can we move on? How about Chef Bernie posting pictures on Facebook of what appears to be a bruised La Maloof with the accusation that Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof had beaten her? Yes, heard about that too, it’s an obvious lie, how about now, can we move on now? What about La Maloof’s claims that Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof also beat the kids? Yes, CAN WE MOVE ON NOW? Taylor, what do you think, having been an actual victim of domestic abuse? That she’s a terrible lying liar and no one has any respect left for her. MOVE ON. NOW.

Andy Cohen segues into the next montage: “Kyle but Who Cares, More Importantly, Kim: Sober or Drunk? Or Just Strung Out on Sober Pills?” After watching the montage, Sober Kim admits that she and Kyle have a lot of work to do, especially since KYLE keeps SAYING THINGS that imply she thinks Sober Kim is STILL HIGH when she was JUST HOPPED UP ON TOTALLY LEGITIMATE SOBER PILLS. WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE DOES THAT SEND TO PEOPLE, KYLE? SHE NEEDS KYLE’S SUPPORT, KYLE. SHE’S FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE, KYLE. Kyle attempts to apologize, and explains to Andy Cohen that they had made a lot of progress with their relationship, especially while belly flopping together on Stars in Danger:

diving with the stars richards sisters

But rewatching the past opened old wounds, which is why we are now here with Sober Kim bawling her eyeballs out because Kyle said that she seemed goofy when she was ACTING GOOFY. Sober Kim turns her fury back to Yoyawnda and her little quip from the first hour about whether or not Sober Kim remembered a conversation, AND THAT HURT HER FEELINGS BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A NICE THING TO DO AND SHE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR MASTER CLEANSE APPOINTMENTS AND JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE DUTCH, YOYAWNDA, AND HAVE LYME DISEASE DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO BE SO MEAN YOU ONCE SUPPORTED SOBER KIM AND THAT WAS REALLY NICE. And, wait, what?

But Andy Cohen moves on, asking what happened to Sober Kim in Paris, because, wow. Sober Kim explains that it was a medication mix-up + jet lag + being up 24 hours straight, SHE WAS NOT DRUNK. Brandi jumps in to defend Yoyawnda, pointing out that she was really nurturing to Sober Kim on the Paris trip, going so far as to carry Sober Kim’s stront-stained pillow through the airport for her, which, frankly was disgusting. THAT IS NOT NECESSARY, Sober Kim yells, I WAS HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOYAWNDA, AND YOU DID NOT NEED TO JUMP INTO IT AND BE MEAN, YOU NAUGHTY LITTLE GIRL. LEAVE HER STRONT-STAINED PILLOW OUT OF IT. Oh, Sober Kim, I shall never leave your stront-stained pillow out of it! I have so many questions! Why did you have a pillow with stront on it? Why didn’t you throw the stront-stained pillow away? Why were you traveling to another country with a pillow covered in stront? And how does that even happen? How did the stront get on it? (Lyme Disease.)

Andy Cohen asks Brandi about her comments regarding the sisters’ relationship, and Brandi notes that it’s hard for her to watch Kyle doubt Sober Kim at every turn. Lisa jumps in to defend Kyle, explaining that Kyle and Kim’s history is messy, and that it gives Kyle every right to doubt Sober Kim when she acts the way she did in Paris, because wow. Lisa attempts to Vanderapologize to Sober Kim for making the crack about her being on sleeping pills, that she didn’t realize it was synonymous with addiction. YEAH, WELL IT’S NOT FUNNY, LISA.

Andy Cohen then asks Brandi about her comment that she thinks Kyle wants Sober Kim to fail, and Kyle gaaaaasps. HOW DARE BRANDI. SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT KYLE AND SOBER KIM HAVE BEEN THROUGH. Brandi shrugs that she wasn’t trying to be mean, everyone is rooting for Sober Kim, I mean, besides HER SISTER. Sober Kim cries and cries and cries and Kyle and Lisa switch places so that the sisters can sit next to one another, and Sober Kim yells at her sister that SHE ALMOST DIDN’T MAKE IT LAST YEAR AND FOR KYLE TO SAY SHE WASN’T ACTING SOBER WAS REALLY WRONG AND KYLE NEEDS TO WATCH HER WORDS. And Kyle tries to explain that she didn’t think her sister had relapsed in Paris, but that she couldn’t help but notice and worry that Sober Kim wasn’t acting like herself, because, seriously, WOW. Andy Cohen wonders if Brandi thinks she owes everyone an apology, and Brandi is like, Sure? But I still think Kyle is a jerk for saying the things she did about her sister, so. OH YEAH, WELL KYLE THINKS YOUR FACE IS A JERK, BRANDI.

And before we leave this topic, can we just pause for a moment and discuss how maybe Sober Kim is fixated on the wrong things here? I get that she doesn’t want her kids to watch the show and have all these women, including their aunt, speculate on her sobriety, but maybe then she should act sober? The fact is, Sober Kim did miss appointments, and she did act wacky in Paris, and the only thing that the other women did was to worry about her BECAUSE SHE HAD GIVEN THEM SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT. It is very easy for addicts to slip up; this is not Sober Kim’s first attempt at sobriety, in fact. So why is she blaming them for commenting on — and more importantly worrying about — her not particularly sober behavior? They care about her! They are looking out for her! And she’s mad at them? This is crazy! PRIORITIES, SOBER KIM. GET SOME.

Andy Cohen introduces the next montage: “Beverly Hills! First Against the Wall When the Revolution Finally Happens!” Andy Cohen then announces that a website determined that their net worths are, in descending order:

  1. La Maloof: $300 million
  2. Lisa: $150 Vandermillion
  3. Kyle: $120 million
  4. Yoyawnda: $45 lemons
  5. Brandi: $5 million
  6. Sober Kim: $1 million
  7. Taylor: $400,000

Everyone laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs, because, oh no, not really (maybe). Andy Cohen asks Yoyawnda about her one horse, and Yoyawnda growls that just because she’s rich doesn’t mean she doesn’t live on a budget. The 43 million people living beneath the poverty line in this country weep for her struggle. There is some talk about Lisa’s aviator Vanderglasses, and Yoyawnda’s see-through fridge that she built with her own lemon-scented hands, and whether or not they ever fly coach. This entire conversation makes me hate everyone involved, including Andy Cohen.

However, he makes up for it by passing out T-shirts to each of the women with their opening catchphrases on it, including La Maloof’s, which reads “Know your friends, show your enemies the door,” which he tosses dismissively over his shoulder. OOH, LA BURN.

Andy Cohen introduces Mauricio and Grandpa Ken to the stage — David Foster is unable to attend on account of being David Foster — and plays a message from Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof, who says that he wishes his parents had divorced when he was a kid, he wants to be a good father and doctor, absolves Brandi of responsibility for the end of his marriage, instead blames Lyme Disease, says that he made lifelong friends on the show but wishes certain things had remained private, and offers emergency plastic surgery services to the ladies.

Mauricio informs everyone that Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof seems to be doing well, and has been working out with a trainer and a back hair groomer. Andy Cohen asks Grandpa Ken what he thinks of the abuse allegations against Dr. Former Mr. La Maloof, and Grandpa Ken explains that he thinks they are bunk. Andy Cohen asks Mauricio if he sold the La Maloof’s house for them, and he confirms that he did, and that he is looking for a new home for La Maloof at the moment — which is difficult considering the relationships within the show, but he manages to handle it by keeping his mouth shut.

Unlike his behavior all season long. Cue the “Stay Out of It, Mauricio” montage! Mauricio doesn’t regret anything he said at the Moroccan dinner, noting that he still thinks Brandi should have just called La Maloof and apologize, ignoring the fact that SHE TRIED TO. Brandi chastises him for the way he spoke to her, and Grandpa Ken scolds him for butting into something that was none of his business. Kyle notes that everyone was chiming in, and that Mauricio felt very passionately about it. Even though it was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS and also WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT HE IS “PASSIONATE” ABOUT. That doesn’t give him a Jerk License! Brandi explains that at that moment she was very vulnerable and upset about the threat of the lawsuit, and to have Mauricio screaming at her in front of everyone was super uncool. Mauricio finally offers Brandi a half-sincere apology, noting that he was really very “passionate,” so. WHO CARES, MAURICIO. IT WAS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, MAURICIO.

Or was it all about his business? Andy Cohen asks. Was he so defensive of the La Maloofs because he wanted to sell their ridiculous La Mansion? Because that’s what Lisa is Vanderccusing. Mauricio and Kyle were never particularly close to the La Maloofs until suddenly La Maloofs wanted to put their $20 million dollar home on the market, according to Lisa. Mauricio protests that at the time he yelled at Brandi he had no idea La Maloofs were looking to sell their home; but Lisa protests that she knew, so COME ON. Mauricio responds by bragging about his ability to keep business and personal relationships separate — HE IS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO CAN, LISA. Andy Cohen points out that Lisa felt that the Kyles dropped her and Grandpa Ken after Mauricio sold their house, but Mauricio poo-poos this: their lack of a current relationship is all about Lisa and Kyle’s Vanderfeud, nothing more.

And with that, we are Vanderdone, darlings. No The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, no Marisa Zanuck, no Camille, no Pam, just a stront-stained pillow and a bad case of Lyme Disease.

Andy Cohen asks the women for their final thoughts:

Yoyawnda is amazed, and with the help of a little lemon juice and cayenne pepper, will digest everything she’s heard tonight.

Brandi is blessed for her two lifelong friendships with Yoyawnda and Lisa, and she likes the other women, she guesses. Sorta.

Kyle calls the other women “beautiful, smart and strong” and hopes that they all leave even stronger.

Taylor notes that she is opening a new chapter in her life.

Sober Kim says that it meant everything to her to get through this season sober — except for that one time in Paris when she was on goofy pills — NOT THAT WE CAN SAY THAT WITHOUT HER YELLING AT EVERYONE — and she is grateful to have survived the year.

And Lisa finds the reunion cathartic, and says she loves the other women, but I don’t think she Vandermeans it. Not really.


The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will return on Bravo who even knows when.

Therese is also watching Fringe, The Walking Dead and Saturday Night Live. And I think I’m going to Mad Men, but I’m not going to do Real Housewives of Orange County, because mommy needs a Real Housewives break, babies. I hope you can forgive me.

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