May 26, 2013
Oh, Princess Desiree, what have you gotten yourself into?
Sweet, pretty, inoffensive Princess Desiree was, as of early February, the front-runner to be “engaged” (for no fewer than 4 months, per the contract) to talking blond ape/The Bachelor contestant Dallas Sean. Everyone was pretty sure Princess Desiree would make it to the final two — she just radiated Disney Princess inevitability with her big smile and giant doe eyes and the way cartoon birds constantly followed her around.
But then The Producers panicked when they realized which women were in their final four: a novelty contestant who wore a wedding dress to the first rose ceremony; a woman who got Dallas Sean’s attention through oral sex puns; a walking/sobbing bundle of abandonment and spelling issues; and Princess Desiree. Who except for Princess Desiree could they possibly make the next Bachelorette? Aughzliee? She can’t get through a sentence without bursting into hot, needy tears, much less an entire rose ceremony. Catherine, the vegan who shoved notes up her couscous for Dallas Sean to fish out and cried when he didn’t eliminate her? Come on. Lindsay the Presumptuous Bride? Who? Exactly.
And so, desperate to keep the Bachelor franchise alive, The Producers made a sacrifice play: they would take out the audience favorite during the home town visits so that they could make her The Bachelorette later. It was a brilliant plan! It’s not like they were going to lose The Bachelor audience this late into the game, and they would guarantee viewers would tune in to the next iteration, feeling that their favorite “deserved love” after being unceremoniously dumped by a greased bohunk WHO WAS LUKCY TO HAVE HER IN THE FIRST PLACE. And so, The Producers used the only blunt tool they had, Princess Desiree’s brother, and encouraged him to do everything to drive Dallas Sean away short of punch him in his waxed abs. The rest, as the cliché goes, is history.*
And this is why we now find Princess Desiree driving up to The Bachelorette pied-à-terre in a Pimp My Car Before hoopty, where she meets with Chris Harrison to yammer about how excited she is for this “Chance to Find Happiness” and “Find the Man of [her] Dreams.” There’s some remembering about that time Dallas Sean Made a Huge Mistake when he dumped her and OH MY LORD, are we still crying over Waxy, Princess Desiree? That is enough of that. You’re embarrassing Azzzzchli.
But then we’re back to the present, and Princess Desiree chirping about being in Malibu and how she’s “Cinderella,” and Chris Harrison is handing her the keys to a convertible Bentley, because The Producers feel really, really bad about that whole turning Princess Desiree’s brother against her thing.* Princess Desiree drives her new convertible Bentley down to Venice Beach where she:
- roller skates in a bikini and cutoffs
- tries on bedazzled pink cowboy hats
- tries on wacky heart-shaped sunglasses while talking about giving her “heart over” because: symbolisms
- poses by a pier and makes contemplative faces
- draws pictures of palm trees and what I think is supposed to be a couple, could be a fire hydrant, can’t say
- cavorts on playground equipment
- hides behind palm trees
- terrifies seagulls
- changes clothes no fewer than 12 times
Princess Desiree is then forced to sit with Chris Harrison and call herself “Cinderella” fifteen more times, answer icky questions about how far she’s willing to go with the guys (She will go all the way to: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, CHRIS HARRISON), and swear on a blood oath that she is seriously, for real, not kidding, ready to get married to whichever heavy-browed besuited monkey is remaining after an 8-week-long process of elimination.
Princess Desiree then gets dressed while blathering some more about how humbled she is and how one of these men could be her “Prince Charming” and that she could be designing her wedding dress soon and OH LORD, here come the waterworks again. Gurl, save the tears for when you see the collection of circus animals The Producers have collected for you, or you’re going to dehydrate yourself.
While Princess Desiree weeps piteously back at The Bachelorette pied-à-terre, Chris Harrison introduces us to this season’s Hey, Pay Attention to These Guys:
Bryden (26, Army, Missoula, MT): Bryden’s story is that he enlisted after having his heart broken, spent some time over in Iraq, came in second place in something called the 2010 National Soldier of the Year competition, returned home and now plays with his dog.
And, before we go any farther, let me pause for a moment to express to Bryden and all of our brave men and women in the armed forces my deep gratitude and respect. I’m a military brat myself, and have nothing but awe for those who choose to serve. I LOVE MILITARY! GO, MILITARY! PLEASE DO NOT YELL AT ME IN THE COMMENTS.
But, you know, the thing is? You sign up for one of these shows and, I’m sorry, but you and your terrible Caesar haircut don’t get to hide behind your record of service. It is not 1995 anymore, get Army to give you one of those buzzcuts.
Drew (27, Digital Marketing Analyst, Scottsdale, AZ): Drew comes complete with: early childhood trauma, divorced parents, alcoholic mother and mentally disabled sister; shirt not included.
Nick R. (26,
Gentleman Honey Farmer Tailor/Magician, Chicago):
Zak W. (31, Drilling Fluid Engineer, Mico, TX): Oh Lord, this one. Zak used to work for a hedge fund before moving back to Texas to work in the oil business, stand on his balcony in the nude, and make Texas look worse than it already does in the national media. Some things that Zak is into based on his questionnaire: Ayn Rand, karaoke, crab costumes, probably amateur porn.
Robert (30, Guy Who Invented “Sign Spinning,” Glendale, AZ): Hey, you know those guys who dress up like the Statue of Liberty and, in the blinding heat, spin signs in the esplanade trying to get you to go get your taxes done or sell your gold at some questionable establishment? This guy claims to have invented that whole thing.
Mike (27, Dental Student/Model, Dallas): Calls himself a “Renaissance Man” because he was in the air force for a little while and is now a dental student; has no idea what the definition of “Renaissance Man” is.
Brandon (26, Painting Contractor, Blaine, MN): Like the “Drew” model, comes complete with an absent father, mother with an addiction, wakeboard
And with that, after a little more “fairy tale” talk, it’s time to Limo.
Limo #1 deposits:
Drew (see above): Drew introduces himself to Princess Desiree’s chest. Princess Desiree’s chest is underwhelmed.
Brooks (28, Sales & Marketing, Salt Lake City): “OH MY GOD I FORGOT MY NAME, HEY THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT TO ME, THAT’S SUPER COOL OF YOU.”
Brad (27, Accountant/DJ, Denver): Playing on Princess Desiree’s introduction to Dallas Sean in which she brought a penny to throw in the fountain and make a wish, Brad here brought along a wishbone. Clever.
Bryden (see above): Assures Princess Desiree that Dallas Sean made a mistake by letting her go. Princess Desiree manages to not tell him he made a mistake with that haircut.
Michael G. (33, Federal Prosecutor, Lindenhurst, NY): And because there are no new ideas, Michael also refers to Princess Desiree’s wish penny by climbing into the fountain and fishing around, in an attempt to find the one she threw in some months before. Unsuccessful and now damp, Michael pulls out two new pennies, and they make new wishes. I do not think this worked out as well as he hoped it would.
Kasey (29, Advertising Executive, Tulsa, OK): Kasey explains that he works in social media, so he looked Princess Desiree up and came up with “hashtags” for her: #PerfectBachelorette; #MarriageMaterial; #LetTheJourneyBegin. OH, FUN. Hey! Let me try! #d-bag #PutOnSomeGrown-UpShoes #NOPE
Will (see above): Will explains that he’s going to call Princess Desiree his Athena because she is the goddess of wisdom and is beautiful. He then demands that she come up with his Greek god equivalent. “That’s great, Urkel, but I’m going with a whole Disney Princess thing not a Greek Goddess thing, did The Producers not go over that with you?” Princess Desiree does not say.
Mikey T. (30, Plumbing Contractor, Glen Ellyn, IL): Mikey explains that with him, the most important thing is “family.” In fact, what he always says is, “Family First.”
Jonathan (26, Attorney, Hickory, NC): From the moment he gets out of the limo, Jonathan sets off ALL of the creep alarms. But then he gives Princess Desiree an envelope with a note that invites her to proceed directly to the fantasy suite with him, and we realize that this is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill: CREEP! CREEP! CREEP! ALERT! ALERT! CREEP!
Zak W. (see above): Emerges from the limo shirtless and asks Princess Desiree if she will “accept these abs.” Bohunk, I worked with Dallas Sean. I knew Dallas Sean. Dallas Sean was a constant source of mockery of mine. Bohunk, you’re no Dallas Sean.
James (27, Sales, Marietta, GA): Delivers a weird sales presentation to Princess Desiree, complete with Power Point, on “Loyalty”; has a weird marionette face.
Larry (34, ER Doctor, Overland Park, KS): Oh, Larry. Oh, dumb, dumb Larry. Larry “loves to dance” and attempts to roll Princess Desiree into him and then dip her, but this ends with her heel getting stuck in her dress and Princess Desiree thrashing around like a caught carp. Dr. Two Left Feet understands what this means for Dr. Two Left Feet and does the sad Charlie Brown walk all the way inside.
Nick R. G.O.B. (see above):
Zack K. (28, Book Publisher, Phillips Ranch, CA): Rocks Chucks with his suit, works with books, but points off for Atlas Shrugged as his favorite book.
In Your Fantasies notes that wearing a suit of armor is clearly trying too hard, and that it’s like a guy who waxes his eyebrows. “A girl is either going to like it or be like, ‘holy [bleep], he waxes his eyebrows.'” This is your only redeeming moment, In Your Fantasies, I hope you enjoyed it.
Limo #3 upchucks:
Chris (27, Mortgage Broker, McMinnville, OH): Does a stupid gag where he gets down on one knee … and ties his shoe! What wit! But wait, there’s more! HE WANTS TO … “GET OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT!”
Mike R. (see above): Mike wears his dental coat to the ceremony and explains that he wants to be her McDreamy or McSteamy. First of all, those guys are doctors, not dentists, and second of all, nope! Instead, how about you settle for McToothy, Renaissance Man.
Robert (see above): Rips off his tie, because that’s a move? Apparently?
Juan Pablo (32, Former Pro Soccer Player, Miami): Juan Pablo gets out of the limo and says “Juan Pablo, Juan Pablo, Juan Pablo, Juan Pablo, Juan Pablo, Juan Pablo” before handing her a small chocolate and heading inside. No sé.
Brandon (Motorcycle, see above): Brandon offers to take her off on a ride on his motorcycle right now, before adding that he needs to get a two-seater for her. WELL, WHICH IS IT, BRANDON?
Limo #4 unleashes:
Brian (29, Financial Advisor, Olney, MD): Fact: When not advising finances, Brian makes extra money as a Nick from New Girl impersonator.
Micah (32, Law Student, Detroit Lakes, MN): This one is wearing a stupid patched-together suit with messages stitched all over it, because Princess Desiree designed her own dress when she went on The Bachelor, and the way this genius thought he would get her attention was to mock something that she put her time and effort and heart into. Excellent plan. Good job. Will definitely see you at the final rose ceremony.
Nick M. (27, Investment Advisor, Rochester, NY): OH HE WROTE HER A POEM, HOORAY! “After watching you at the end of last season, I know I’m here for the right reason/The way you showed such genuine emotion made my heart flutter like waves in the ocean/I’m looking forward to this journey with you, I hope you’re just as excited, too.”
“Flutter like waves in the ocean”? A+++++++ imagery! Alert President Obama: we have a new Poet Laureate!
Dan (30, Beverage Sales Director, Dublin, CA): “Hello, I am handsome. My handsomeness and I will see you inside. And in conclusion: handsome.”
Ben (28, Entrepreneur, Lubbock): Ben has an adorable toddler son, Brody, whom he shoves out of the limo first so as to deliver a flower to Princess Desiree/make it impossible for her to send him home tonight. The strategy, it works.
That’s it! These are your choices, Princess Desiree! What’cha think?
And with that, Chris Harrison pops up and is like, “How about that
prop kid, huh? We know one guy who’s not going home tonight, right?” Chris Harrison then tells Princess Desiree that she can just hand out roses all willy-nilly like Dallas Sean did, because remember how much fun that was? So much fun. And totally did not lead to Ti-Polar breaking down and shrieking about how all the other ladies are just jealous of her and that she has no control over her eyebrows. Good times.
Princess Desiree heads inside and toasts the gentlemen, and before she can finish awkwardly mumble something about having beeen in their shoes, but not literally their shoes because their shoes would be too big, and they’re men’s shoes and would look weird with this dress anyway, G.O.B. steps up and announces that he is going to do a magic
trick illusion: He’s going to make Princess Desiree DISAPPEAR!
And then he takes her outside. Dr. Two Left Feet, he’s upset because he wanted to see a magic trick.
G.O.B. has enough time to sit down with Princess Desiree before Brandon rides in on his wakecycle and steals her away, explaining that he’s a lot like her, and giving her his mother’s 7-years-sober coin that he wants Princess Desiree to return to his mother when she meets her on the hometown visits. And just, woah, wait, so many questions:
- Does your mother know you have her 7-year-sober coin, Brandon? Or did you steal that out of her jewelry box before you came here?
- And if she does know you have it, is she aware that you are giving her 7-year-sober coin WHICH TOOK HER 7 YEARS OF NOT DRINKING BOX WINE TO ACCOMPLISH to some random stranger?
- What happens if Princess Desiree drop-kicks you back to your wakeboard before home towns? Does she get to keep your mother’s 7-year-sober coin?
- USING YOUR MOTHER’S STRUGGLE IS NOT AN OK WAY TO WOO ANYONE, BRANDON.
Sorry, that last one was not so much a question as a scream.
Anyway, Prop Daddy then takes Princess Desiree aside and blah blah blah I have a kid blah Mommy’s not an issue blah blah I like camping! blah. So Princess Desiree gives him the first rose of the night, because of course she does. And the rest of the men FREAK OUT because of course they do, that’s the entire point.
In the most hilarious moment of the episode and, I’m just going to call it right now, the entire history of The Bachelor series past or future, Zak “Nipples Jr.” W. earnestly explains to the camera, WHILE SHIRTLESS AND WAXED WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE, that Princess Desiree needs to know that he is 100% serious about this. I don’t know, Nipples Jr., if you are serious, why are your pants still on?
And after one idiot flails around in some sort of mating dance, and another explains that he bought her a star and named it “Princess Desorion” (good name, guy), Shirtless Joe heeds my advice, removes his pants, and gets into the pool.
Which earns him a rose, sure, of course.
Private Buster Bryden tells Princess Desiree that while he was in Iraq, he befriended a 10-year-old kid, and that this relationship made the entire experience worthwhile. And I’m pretty sure that is the entire plot of The Hurt Locker, but you know what? Fine, Buster. The math that allows a rose for ripping off one’s stripper pants certainly merits a rose for pretending that what happened in a Kathryn Bigelow film is your personal journey.
Juan “Ronaldo” Pablo kicks a soccer ball at Princess Desiree’s head. This does not earn him una rosa temprana.
Drew takes her aside, tells her he’s nervous. This does earn him a rose.
Dr. Two Left Feet enjoys 2, 3 dozen drinks before taking Princess aside to explain that he just wanted the dip to be fun, you know? He didn’t mean to make her fall on her back and he watched last season and he is now freaking out that he messed up his chances, he messed up his chances with her and shoes. Princess Desiree at one point asks him if he’s sleepy. He responds by taking off his glasses and then putting them back on again. Good answer!
Speaking of good answers, In Your Fantasies decides that Princess Desiree telling him, “No, I’m not going to go to a ‘fantasy suite’ with you,” to mean, “Go put some pillows on the floor of a closet somewhere, I’ll meet you there, naked.” And so he does; he finds a closet and he fills it with pillows and then he does a one-legged push-up for good measure.
In Your Fantasies then steals Princess Desiree from Urkel, and explains that he is going to take her to the fantasy suite now. Princess Desiree is not a little irritated, but In Your Fantasies is not a little inebriated, so it’s a draw. In Your Fantasies explains that he’s not like her last boyfriend, Dallas Sean, i.e. a prude, and so now he’s going to take her into the “fantasy suite” and fantasy her. Princess Desiree tells him otherwise, leaving him alone to complain to the camera that his mom says that he’s good-looking, and furthermore, FURTHERMORE, he has a “very large love tank” that has not been “depleted in years.” So, as far as he can see it, he has two options here: he can sit back and be a gentleman, or he can try to steal her away to the fantasy suite once more, since that has worked out so well every other time.
Obviously, he chooses option number 2.
And so, In Your Fantasies drags Princess by the wrist towards the “fantasy
suite closet,” for a third time, and that’s enough for Princess Desiree who sees him out to the You Go Home Now Van.
And with that, it’s time to shed the other losers. HARRISON, THE ROSES.
Rose #1: 7-Years-Sober
Rose #2: Zack K
Rose #3: Urkel
Rose #4: Brooks
Rose #5: Juan Pablo
Rose #6: Wishbone
Rose #7: Hashtag D-Bag
Rose #8: Marionette Face
Rose #9: Human Directional
Rose #10: Nick from New Girl
Rose #11: Dan
Rose #12: Big Pun
Rose #13: Family First
(Note: All Nicknames Subject to Change.)
Which means, Dr. Two Left Feet? Robocop? G.O.B.? The Guy in the $600 Banana Suit?: Take your gimmicks and …
*Pure, tin-foiled, box-wine-fuelled speculation.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.