The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 2”
July 23, 2019
We’re still talking about the Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy crisis because that is our punishment: we will forever be talking about Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy. We will never talk about anything else ever again.
Andy still can’t get over the fact that Teddi never discussed it with Lisa as if he hasn’t dealt with this VanderWoman for the past nine years and knows EXACTLY how she operates. But since Lisa is not there, it falls on Teddi’s shoulders to be the lone villain. Teddi insists that she assumed Lisa was pulling the VanderStrings in this whole mess since Teddi was dealing with her underlings. And she agrees, she was stupid for not discussing it directly with Lisa, but she’s relatively new to this reality show business, she’ll know better next tiem.
Many viewers attack Dorit for causing this mess by not returning the dog to VanderPets, and she’s like, “Fair point but can we get back to attacking Teddi?”
Andy complies, asking Teddi about saying in the Bahamas that she “never lies.” Teddi tries to talk her way out of that one, but Andy is all, “YOU WERE LYING ABOUT NEVER LYING IN THAT VERY MOMENT. JUST A RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL OF LIES!” But the best that Teddi can do is insist she has learned her lesson about “not speaking in absolutes.”
Andy turns his attention to Camille, noting that she had her own experience similar to this with Lisa, and Camille reminds us that back in season two, Lisa set her up to confront Taylor about her abusive marriage, and then provided absolutely no backup.
Which she did! And it was awkward and terrible! (But it did redeem Camille for me — for about two minutes.)
Andy points out that some people thought Lisa should have VanderFired John Blizzard for trashing Dorit, which is ESPECIALLY interesting because back at the season two reunion, Lisa called for LaMaloof’s chef, Bernie, to be fired after he made some middlingly shady comments about “that British woman across the street.” (Interestingly, this fight ALSO led to allegations that Lisa VanderSold stories to Radar Online back in 2012.)
Here in 2020, the other women note that John Blizzard knows too much about Lisa’s VanderShenanigans, and has job security for life.
Andy Cohen notes that many viewers suspect the women focused on LucyGhazi so as to distract from their own negative stories. And then, this Professional Bitch right here, he begins reading them:
Erika’s husband, Mr. Girardi defaulted on a $15 million loan. “It’s been resolved and they apologized,” Erika replies.
Mauricio was accused of scamming someone for $37 million, a viewer from Texas alleges. Kyle yells back at “Whoever in Magootville” that Mauricio has never made $37 million on a single deal in his life. This was about one $37 million house sale that went south.
As for Dorit, there’s the Beverly Beach lawsuit, and in fact, she was harassed by a woman in the Bahamas, which they have footage of that wasn’t used on the show (was she a reporter? UNCLEAR). And Dorit would LOVE to talk about the lawsuit, but, you know, she’s not allowed. So.
And Andy doesn’t VanderLeave Lisa out of the good times just because she’s not there: he adds that an article just came out yesterday that she was involved in her own wrongful termination VanderSuit after an employee who was fired claimed she was ordered to sign John Sessa’s name on foundation checks. It’s messy but you can read about it here.
Andy asks the women if Lisa would have been open about the lawsuit on the show had she filmed more than 7 episodes or whatever, and the women are like, “Of course not.” They add that they wouldn’t have brought it up because that’s just tacky, CAMILLE. Andy’s like, “I would have!” And they’re all, “Of course you would, you are a Professional Bitch.”
The next montage is about body issues.
Andy asks Rinna what made her daughter go public with her struggles with anorexia, and she replies that she doesn’t actually know, she did it without consulting Rinna. Rinna adds that the barbecue was a pivotal point for their family, and that basically, a therapist told Harry Hamlin to shut the fuck up — there isn’t a “right” thing he could have said at that moment.
Andy asks Teddi about her own struggles and whether her family knew what she was going through. She answers yes and no — that one Thanksgiving someone said something that made her angry and she screamed at them all.
Rinna adds that this is a part of this disease — that there are triggers. In fact, people have told her daughter that she doesn’t look “that thin,” which is REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS AND THEY NEED TO CUT IT THE FUCK OUT. I’M SERIOUS. UNCOOL, GUYS.
Andy asks Rinna about how she herself has been defensive when people have accused her of having food issues, and she admits that her daughter’s anorexia might have been modeled after her own behavior. She’s in the business, whaddya gonna do? While she doesn’t blame herself, she does admit that there is some shame around the whole thing. (I mean, I saw this coming ten thousand miles away in Rinna’s first season when she took her daughters back to her hometown in Oregon and they squealed in disgust at just the sight of a McDonald’s. They had already internalized a lot of bullshit by then, and I am guessing it wasn’t just through cultural osmosis.)
Andy asks Kyle if she ever told her daughters about her own battle with anorexia, and she’s like, “Sorta?”
Andy asks Denise about her relationship with food, and this asshole right here claims that she both can eat whatever she wants and that her only issue was the one time she was fired from a job for being “too thin.”
A viewer notes that Erika is her hero for eating Cheez Whiz and pumpkin pie. Fuck yeah, she is.
Another viewer asks Camille if she’s feeling more secure about her body after her battle with cancer, and she says she’s feeling better, but it’s still difficult.
Andy then begins asking the women about their search for the “fountain of youth,” — plastic surgery — but Erika is all, WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION. HOW DARE ANY OF YOU JUDGE US. And that goes for Lisa Vanderpump and her “head transplant” comments about Dorit, too.
The next montage is all about Teddi and Kyle’s relationship.
A viewer asks if they think they are codependent — which, MAYBE, Dr. Viewer. What’s it to you?
Andy notes that someone tweeted that Kyle is like a teenager crushing on Teddi and she agreed, adding that it was “creepy.” Camille tries to clarify that she meant that Teddi was always “up Kyle’s ass” which … I mean … where’s the lie?
Teddi says that Camille is the one who asked Kyle to be a bridesmaid in her wedding when they never spend time together outside the show, and Camille retorts that SHE’S KNOWN KYLE FOR A LONG TIME. But since Teddi’s come into Kyle’s life, Camille has seen her a lot less. IT SURE IS FUNNY HOW TEDDI MADE SURE SHE WAS RIGHT THERE AS SOON AS VANDERPUMP WAS VANDEROUT.
Camille adds that what is “creepy” is that no one can talk to Kyle without Teddi getting involved. Anytime someone tries to have a conversation with Kyle, Teddi’s right there to cut them off. And right on cue, Teddi is all, “YEAH, I HAVE A QUESTION … ” cutting Camille off.
Teddi then asks why it’s ok for Camille to do it (I guess crawl up Kyle’s ass?) but not for Teddi, and the answer is because Teddi has too many opinions? OK.
Andy then moves on to the whole Kyle and Teddi vs. Rinna as Erika Jayne and Erika nonsense. Wait … I’ll draw you a chart …
We have to start at the beginning: “Farrahween.”
(Which, can we just talk about “Farrahween” for a sec?)
As we all know, Rinna showed up dressed as Erika Jayne and claimed that she’s a method actor, and really becomes the person she’s portraying. She’s a professional, you guys. And as Erika Jayne, she flipped the bird (GASP) and called Kim Richards a cunt (smaller gasp).
A viewer wants to know where Rinna went to acting school because her impersonation of Erika was TURRRRIBLE. And though she was the one who said on the show that she was an actress who really tried to inhabit the person she was portraying, now Rinna replies that it was just a HALLOWEEN COSTUME, so back off. As for the moment when Rinna as Jayne gave the group the finger, Rinna explains that she was uncomfortable being in a photograph with Kim and, honestly, who could really blame her?
We then move on to the nonsensical fight in Provence where Kyle and Teddi confronted Erika trying to get her wound up and angry at Rinna, and Andy is like, “Teddi, why?” Teddi agrees that she did not have a dog in this fight and maybe she should have stayed out of it.
Andy asks Kyle why it was fine for her to do an unflattering impersonation of Teddi, but not for Rinna to do one of Erika (about which Erika DID NOT CARE A SINGLE WHIT), and her answer is something about “it was a joke” and “what Rinna did wasn’t a joke” (yes, it was) and anyway, it’s all hypocritical nonsense.
Andy then asks the women why they thought Erika didn’t want to be around them, and they whine that she was grumpy at breakfast. BITCHES, WHO ISN’T? Also, she snapped at them at Starbucks in the airport, an event that Erika has no recollection of, so clearly she was furious with them.
Andy then tries to make trouble by asking Kyle about saying that Drunk Rinna was more fun than Sober Rinna and Sober Erika is even worse, but Rinna and Erika shrug because the truth is the truth.
As for Teddi calling Erika “fake” when she (Teddi) was shit-faced drunk … yeah, she doesn’t have an answer for that — she was drunk? ~shrug~
Andy turns his attention back to Camille, and asks her 1. whether or not she thinks Lisa should be at the reunion and 2. why she isn’t? To question number one, yes, Camille definitely thinks Lisa should not be a fucking coward, but as to question number two, Camille has an intriguing theory: Lisa was VanderPissed about Brandi, her arch-enemy, returning to the show. INTERESTING!
BUT. In no way is this true. Brandi has made appearances on the show before without Lisa having a complete VanderMeltdown. I am 100% positive Lisa didn’t appear because she knew full well she would be the VanderTarget of the reunion and that she literally had no one on her side anymore — maybe Camille, but that’s even a stretch — and she chose to take the VanderCoward’s way out.
But Camille insists that it’s her opinion that Lisa thought Denise was her friend and that when she saw Brandi on the show with Denise, she felt betrayed. Denise is flabbergasted; she is neutral! It wasn’t about Lisa!
It was about getting a little!
Andy asks Camille if she’s still in contact with Lisa and if she is VANDERFURIOUS with her over what Camille said about her mouth on the show. Yes and very obviously yes. Have you met Lisa?
The final montage of the evening is: Two-Faced Camille.
Andy asks Camille if she saw anything in the montage that would make her think that the women might have a point about her talking out of both sides of her mouth, and this asshole, she tries to pull the editing card. No one is having it and so she tries instead to suggest that maybe she feels multiple things: she can be upset with Lisa for not coming to her wedding AND she can feel sorry for Lisa for the loss of her VanderBrother. This doesn’t go over much better than the editing gambit as all of the women are outraged that this bitch right here is suggesting that none of them had any sympathy for Lisa. THEY ALL DID, OBVIOUSLY, THEY’RE NOT MONSTERS.
Camille then snaps.
She points at Kyle and reminds her that they’ve had private conversations about how bad Lisa’s VanderBreath is …
… and in fact, ALL of the women talk about EVERYONE ELSE behind each other’s backs. THEY JUST WANTED HER TO BE ANGRY AT LISA AND SHE WASN’T. EXCEPT FOR WHEN SHE WAS. AND SHE CAN HAVE TWO INDEPENDENT THOUGHTS AT THE SAME TIME. Y’ALL JUST WANT HER TO JUMP ON THE HATE VANDERTRAIN BUT GUESS WHAT? SHE’S NOT GOING TO DO IT.
When Dorit suggests that Camille does a fine job on the “hate train” all on her own, Camille yells, “PLEASE, ERIKA.”
Camille then doubles down: Dorit is the PHONIEST PERSON SHE’S EVER MET. Camille goes on to say that she doesn’t like people who pretend to be something they’re not, and she’s been around this town a long time, and Dorit just SHOWS UP? There’s just something about her …
Dorit, to her credit, smiles through this onslaught and responds that she doesn’t care if Camille doesn’t like her, she just asks that if that’s the case, Camille not pretend to be her friend and invite her to important events like her 50th birthday and her wedding.
“That was production,” Camille replies, eliciting a gasp from yours truly. YOU DON’T BREAK THE
THIRD LINE FOURTH WALL! “I did not want to invite any of you to my wedding,” she continues.
I mean, we all know they are obligated to invite each other to these things, and that Teddi Mellencamp would have NEVER been invited to Camille Grammer’s wedding if it weren’t a precondition of Bravo filming it. NEVER! But you don’t just SAY IT OUT LOUD.
Andy Cohen is OUTRAGED and keeps insisting that Camille has “power over [herself],” before moving on because WE MUSTN’T SEE HOW THE SAUSAGE IS CONTRACTUALLY MADE.
He goes to the question of Camille going after Dorit for her finances. Camille protests that she did not go into that dinner expecting to be ambushed, so what was she supposed to do, not drag out Dorit’s personal financial details when they were right there for the dragging? AFTER HER ASSISTANT PASSED AWAY AND THEN THEY ALL TRASHED HER AT THE WEDDING, THAT’S NASTY. AND SHE CAN’T SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT LISA WITHOUT THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK COMING AFTER HER.
As for “trashing” her at her own wedding, Rinna explains that the timing was bad: she had just been talking about how disappointed she was that Lisa didn’t VanderBother to attend, and then this article lands in their laps in which she had so many incredible things to say about Vanderpump. Camille protests that the interview was a week before the wedding but also, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THEM.
Yeah, Kyle replies, except we’re the ones who left our children and families to be with you on your wedding day, and yet she’s the one you’re lavishing with praise in the interview?
“THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND!” Camille literally screams, prompting Denise to ask why she’s so angry and suggesting she bring it down a notch and “calm down, for fucks sake.”
However, Camille does NOT calm down (because there is literally no better way to rile up someone than by telling them to “calm down), and in fact orders Denise to shut up. “I DON’T LIKE HER,” Camille yells, before accusing Denise of telling her to tell her daughter that she was a “fucking liar.”
Everyone is Erika:
OK, so what’s happening here is that at Mauricio’s boring company party, Camille accused Teddi of snubbing her daughter at the airport, and Denise’s response was Camille should have told her daughter something along the lines of, “No, I’m sure she didn’t snub you,” to make her daughter feel better.
In response, according to Teddi and Denise, Camille basically called Denise a bad mother, but Camille clarifies that what she actually said was “at least I don’t curse at my kids (like Denise).” This stems from some drunken conversation the women had in the Bahamas where Denise confessed that she yells at her kids sometimes — and doesn’t always feel bad about it. JOIN THE CLUB, HONEY.
Andy tries to change the conversation by asking Denise what was going through her mind when she had lunch with Camille, and Camille trash-talked everyone, which is the moment Camille HAS HAD ENOUGH, and pulls the classic reunion move by leaping from the couch, declaring this is all a setup, and ripping her mic from her evening gown as she storms backstage in fury.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.