‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Gunning for a Vanderfight

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion Special, Part One”
January 30, 2012

WHAT THE VANDERHECK WAS THAT?

Excuse me for yelling, but this reunion special! With the ganging up on Lisa of all people! What was that? Listen. I understand that Lisa is imperious and sometimes judgy and has a tongue that can give whiplash, but that’s what we Vanderlove about her! She’s hilarious and witty and has a brain under all perfectly coiffed hair, and while she may have thrown out some clever barbs about her fellow castmates over the course of the season, she was obviously trying to be funny, and was in no way trying to be the villain. (You want to see a villain? May I introduce you to a little lady named Courtney?)

In fact, there wasn’t a villain this season: Taylor and Kim’s situations were so real and upsetting that their behavior, regardless of how crazy it might have been in any one episode, was almost excusable. Or at the very least pitiful. Kyle had her moments of awful, but they were all related to being protective of her disaster of a sister. Camille had clearly watched herself in the first season and decided to tone it down. And Lisa and La Maloof, their entire thing is that they are above it all! That’s their whole shtick: they are older and richer and don’t have time for that nonsense.

However, the ladies have decided that someone has to be the villain, especially if Camille isn’t going to cooperate. To this end, they apparently all got together, sharpened their knives and decided to spill some Vanderblood. Lisa (who appears to have had some questionable work done since the wedding, and for whom the lighting on the set is doing NO FAVORS) seems genuinely stunned at this development, but nonetheless stiffens her upper lip (or perhaps it was already Botoxed into that shape, it’s hard to say) and bravely weathers their attacks.

But why does she have to? Why does there even need to be a villain in the first place? This whole thing is Vanderidiculous. Bring on Brandi already, and let’s air some real grievances.

Andy introduces those who need no introduction: Camille, Lisa, Kyle, Taylor and La Maloof, but no Kim because Kim is in the rehabs, purging herself of Bridge Trolls and methamphetamime. Good luck, Kim! See you in the THIRD (heaven help me) part of this reunion special.

La Maloof and Lisa carefully talk around Kim and her problems choosing to take the high road (PUN! HIGH FIVE!) and wish her all the best with her recovery. This classiness shall not last, don’t worry.

Andy begins with some viewer questions which we shall designate with a sassy upside-down question mark, because I love upside-down question marks.

¿Are their other foods La Maloof scrubs down with soap before eating? HAR HAR HAR, barks La Maloof. NEXT QUESTION, snarls La Maloof.

¿At the White Party, Brandi claimed she made out with Camille. So? Camille? Camille insists she and Brandi did not “make out,” but admits that Brandi got a bit handsy.

¿Lisa, is that your real Vanderdonk-a-donk? Lisa jokes that she’s been Vanderpadding her knickers, before laughing that, in fact, it is all Vandereal. Taylor bleats that other people have become famous for their backsides, and Lisa tightens her lips in what she clearly believes is a polite smile.

First montage of the evening: “Kevin.” SHI SHI SHI SHI SHI, DARLING. Andy asks if the wedding was, in fact $1 Vandermillion, and Lisa insists that it was not. Nor was it $500,000. Andy continues to pressure her to reveal how much, exactly, it cost: $250,000? And that is quite Vandernough! Lisa will not discuss it Vanderfurther!

Andy then asks the other ladies what they thought of the Vanderiara she wore to Pandora’s wedding. Kyle admits that she’d never seen such a thing before, and that it was over-the-top. La Maloof pipes in that, “Once a princess, always a princess.” Lisa’s jaw tightens.

Second Montage: La Vanderfeud. A cooking lesson turns into “Maloof Hoofs” turns into bitterness that Pandora didn’t have her Vanderette party at the Palms turns into resentment and anger and the decision that Lisa shall be the Vandervillain this season.

For some unfathomable reason, Andy asks Kyle about a blog post wherein she stated that there was more than meets the eye to the tension between La Maloof and Lisa. But who cares what Kyle has to say on the matter? Is she La Maloof? Is she Lisa? NO. THIS IS IRRELEVANT.

La Maloof immediately begins whinging that Lisa called La Maloof’s stupid little Giggy-wannabe, “Crackpot” on the Vandertiwtters. Her stupid little rat dog! He is like La Maloof’s child. Lisa rolls her eyes.

¿Did it hurt La Maloof that Lisa hosted her daughter’s Vanderette party at a competitor’s casino or was it that Lisa didn’t tell her that she would be doing so ahead of time? La Maloof lies that it was the latter, that she would have loved to have hosted a lunch or a dinner in Pandora’s honor and that it had NOTHING to do with the gobs of free publicity that Planet Hollywood received as a result of being Pandora’s choice, who do you think La Maloof is? Lisa insists, again, that she had nothing to do with Pandora’s party, BECAUSE MOTHERS DO NOT PLAN VANDERETTE PARTIES, DUMMY. But La Maloof, she is determined to be insulted that she did not invite Pandora to The Palms first.

AND ANOTHER THING. What about this “Maloof Hoof” business? NOT VANDERCOOL, LISA. How would Lisa like it if La Maloof went around calling Villa Blanca, “Villa Caca?” Lisa narrows her eyes and quietly insists that it was just a Vanderjoke, a play on words! Camille decides, for no particular reason, to pile on, and announces that she, for one, thought it was a mean comment, that “hoof” does not have a nice connotation to it. This is true! But it’s also true that Lisa was just sassing it up for the cameras, come on, everyone get a Vandergrip already. Lisa, however, doesn’t win herself any friends when she compliments the Maloof Hoofs that La Maloof is wearing to the reunion, calling them “nice little fat shoes!” Oh, Lisa. Honey. You know perfectly that the word “fat” is considered a filthy word in Los Angeles. In fact, I don’t think you’re legally allowed to even say it the 90209-90213 zip codes. But she desperately tries to defend her word choice and all the other ladies shake their heads in disappointment and Lisa tries to ask La Maloof for a pair of hooves, the pink ones, please, and La Maloof hisses that those are from the new line. Lisa and I aren’t sure what THAT is supposed to mean, but whatever, La Maloof and your stupid diomundz hooves.

Andy points out that Lisa makes a lot of digs at people and clearly thinks she’s being funny and harmless. Well, I won’t do that anymore, I Vanderassure you, Lisa announces. But Andy goes on to open the resentment gates, and Kyle explains in that passive aggressive way of hers that Lisa? Can be condescending? Like that time Kyle did the splits? And then Lisa said that Kyle was desperate for attention? But what Kyle really thinks is that Lisa said that in retaliation for that one time Kyle said that Lisa “preys on the weak.”

FIRST OF ALL: You did do the splits again and again and again for attention, Kyle, you’re not fooling anyone. AND SECONDLY: That’s your argument? “You said something mean about me because I said something MUCH meaner about you one time, and you were lashing out at me in response.” That’s not an argument! I mean, it is an argument, but it is a terrible argument! Such a terrible argument!

Taylor, to whom the “preys on the weak” comment was made, assures Andy that since she and Lisa cleared the air and came to an understanding, Lisa has been nothing but Vandersupportive of her. Kyle can not let this stand, and whines at Lisa that their feelings! They get hurt! Lisa Vanderpologizes for the comment about Kyle wanting attention and Maloof Hoof and whatever other rubbish that they want to throw back into her Vanderface. She won’t ever say it again. YOU’VE ALREADY SAID IT, snarls La Maloof. Lisa rolls her eyes, or at least attempts to.

Kyle declares that being friends with Lisa is like playing chess with Bobby Fischer, that every move is calculated on account of Lisa being so intelligent. Andy is all, O SNAP. Did you just call Lisa manipulative? I THINK YOU JUST CALLED LISA VANDERIPULATIVE! Kyle decides to play the victim, and claims that she’s now worried that Lisa is becoming Vanderangry with her. Lisa points out that Kyle has a bit of a temper, too, referring to Game Night. Kyle, after having attacked Lisa, REPEATEDLY, continues to make this about her being victimized, and wails that Lisa KNOWS how much it hurts her feelings when she brings up how awfully she behaved at Game Night. HOW COULD LISA THROW KYLE’S OWN BEHAVIOR BACK AT HER? Lisa Vandershrugs it all off by noting that any time 6 people go on a journey together, they are going to have disagreements. Tut tut.

Montage #3: $25,000 SUNGLASSES, YOU GUYS. THEY HAVE PYTHON. AND DIAMONDS. AND PYTHON.

Andy asks La Maloof how much her in house spa costs, and she waves it off as only costing a couple hundred thousand. Because, sure.

¿Camille, do you still have all 40 houses and your 19 nannies? Camille smirks that she is still working on a settlement with the terrible Kelsey Grammer. But she has sold neither the Colorado nor Hawaii home, because what do you think she is, some kind of poor?

¿What’s the most expensive dress any of you women own? Lisa has a Vandertino that cost somewhere around €30,000. BECAUSE, SURE. Camille, she’s not that ridiculous, her most expensive dress probably only cost $12,000. Thrifty!

¿$25,000 sunglasses are gross. (Note: This was a statement more than a question. The sassy upside-down question mark remains, however.) The ladies agree that the glasses were too much, but was really too much was Pam talking about it. How gauche.

¿How are you and Kennedy doing, Taylor? Taylor explains that she’s taking everything day-by-day, and that not all days are good. But it’s a process and blah blah blah blah osteopathy.

Andy asks the other women what their reaction to the news of Russell’s suicide was, and surprisingly, they all pretty much answer “shock,” instead of, oh I don’t know, “glee” or “maniacal laughter” or “coma.” What an unexpected answer, everybody. Andy then asks a more interesting question: What did they think of Bravo’s decision to air the season? And Camille, who rumor has it might not be back next year, is all I THOUGHT IT WAS AT TURRRIBLE IDEA. Think of the kidz!! La Maloof, Bravo’s Spokesmaloof, argues that airing the season shined a bright light on domestic violence and suicide, which it did, sorta, in between the endless can’t-take-your-eyeballs-off-of-it-has-to-be-amazing-for-ratings Taylor meltdowns.

¿Taylor, if you’re in an abusive relationship, why would you do a reality show? To expose it all, dummy, Taylor answers, explaining that it would be harder for Russell to throw her into the furniture with a camera in the room. Andy then asks why she thinks Russell agreed to the show, and Taylor is all, Uh, NARCISSIST MUCH? Anyway, had they not done the show, Taylor is pretty sure it all would have ended in a murder-suicide, so, you know, upside!

Fourth Montage: Crazy Taylor is crazy!

Taylor and the other ladies all agree: That was disturbing!

Camille then snipes a bit at Taylor, explaining that she didn’t appreciate being attacked by Taylor at the Tea Party and that Taylor is the one who opened the door to “behing honest,” in the first place.

The women all agree that the situation, as it was happening, was very confusing: Taylor was constantly telling them all sorts of nightmarish things about her relationship with Russell, and then turning around an begging them to like him. Which, no! Absolutely not! They all then pat themselves on the back for being considerably stronger than Taylor, whom they all agree is weak and spineless. Lisa recounts a hideous text that Russell sent Taylor, and how she was all, Dude, that’s so not OK.

Andy mentions Taylor’s upcoming book, and some of the crazy that she reveals therein, notably that she sometimes misses Russell’s control and abuse. It’s hard! explains Taylor, pouting her giant duck lips.

Camille chirps that she understands: she wasn’t in an abusive relationship, per se, but she knows from constant criticism. They compare notes for a while before Taylor sighs that she would sometimes just wish for Russell to hit her already, because she knew that would end the fight.

TOO HEAVY. THIS IS TOO HEAVY.

¿Do the other women think Taylor knew about the email suit before Russell email sued Camille? There’s some dispute on this point: Camille claims Brandi told her that Taylor did, because Brandi is some kind of expert on the matter, but Lisa Vanderswears that Taylor was with her in Las Vegas when Russell wrote it. There’s some convulted story, but basically, Taylor didn’t check her phone while in Las Vegas, Russell became pissy, sent her a nasty text on the event of her 40th birthday, and then email sued Camille. This all sounds perfectly plausible.

Montage Cinco: Bernie hates Lisa.

Who knew Bernie was such a hot button? Lisa claims to have not even noticed Bernie before, and has no Vanderidea why he hates her so. La Maloof swoops in, claiming that she heard from someone else who heard it from someone else who heard it from Bernie that Lisa insulted his cooking once, calling it dry. And Mexican. Lisa will NOT VANDERHAVE IT. These are all filthy lies and now she’s offended. Out of nowhere, La Maloof pulls out the big guns, and accuses Lisa of selling stories to the tabloids; Radar Online, in particular.

VANDEROUTRAGE.

Why would Lisa have to sell some stupid story to Radar Online for $100, she argues. Vanderposterous, she argues. Uh, try more like $25,000 to cover the costs of your ridiculous ballgowns, counters La Maloof.

Character assasination! declares Lisa! Camille interjects to claim that a Radar reporter approached her once, and told her that Lisa constantly sells him stories, because Camille is desperate to be included tonight, having had a COMPLETELY BORING SEASON. Lisa, doesn’t care what Camille just said, she is too busy huffing and being deeply Vandersulted by La Maloof, and her strangely tight face musters disappointment and sadness to the best of its ability. Do you think you two can be Vanderfriends again? asks Andy. NOPE, says Lisa. Or maybe. Who knows.

Lisa has moved into a new Vandermansion. It’s smaller, but it isn’t 3,000 sq. ft. or anything hovel-like, heavens.

And then Brandi comes teetering out. FACT: She got married and annuled within about 2 hours on New Year’s Eve. FACT: She and Camille were once married to semi-famous men who then wronged them, and now they paw at each other’s lady bits in public. FACT: The first night she met the other ladies was terrible because they are all two-faced bishes. And with that, Part One concludes.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo Mondays at 8 p.m.