The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Reunion, Part 3”
July 30, 2019
Last we left these women, Camile had stormed off the set in a huff after Andy asked Denise what was going through her mind when Camille trashed the other women at lunch together.
THIS IS A SET-UP, Camille yelled while ripping off her evening gown. THIS IS BULLSHIT. THEY ARE NASTY BITCHES.
Andy goes backstage to figure out what snapped in Camille and try to talk her into returning to the reunion. Camille insists that Denise DID tell Camille to call her daughter a “fucking liar” (she did not) and that Denise DID say she swears at her children (she did not), and they’re all trying to make her look like a bad person. Andy promises they will edit in the footage to back up what Camille is claiming because that’s what they do. Has she never watched any of these reunions after she’s taped them?
Camille then cries to Andy that the other women were so nasty about her wedding. Andy insists that they were not, they all agreed it was beautiful. Which they did!
BUT. In some after-show segment, Kyle and Teddi did laugh that the best part of the wedding was leaving it.
Camille hisses at Andy that those nasty women, they just want her to jump on the Lisa “hate VanderTrain” BUT SHE SHALL NOT. Yes, she’s had issues with Lisa, but Lisa could also be so caring and giving and Camille misses her (despite having just claimed that she spoke to her the previous week).
Camille then repeats that all of the women talk shit about each other behind each others’ backs, and Andy is like, “Yes, that’s the entire point.”
Andy asks Camille what her issue is with Denise, and Camille, bless her, she’s honest: “I don’t like her and she’s boring and she’s just been wah-wah all season.”
COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED THEORY: The brunt of Camille’s anger and snide comments all season have been the three most recent additions to the show: Denise, Teddi, and Dorit. Is it possible that for the past three seasons, Camille has been angling to be brought back onto the show as a full Housewife, not just a “Friend of the Housewives,” and these women took the available spots? Just spitballing here, but the criticism of Denise’s “performance” suggests that Camille seems to think she would make better TV.
Meanwhile, back on the couches, the other women:
Andy convinces Camille to return to the couches for some “resolution.” As Camille wrestles her way back into her dress, Andy returns to the other women and tells them that 1. Camille is coming back, 2. she doesn’t want to talk shit about Lisa and 3. maybe they shouldn’t have been so bitchy about her wedding.
Sniffling, Camille returns to the couches, and the other women are like, “Why on Earth are you crying?” Camille reminds them that THIS HAS BEEN VERY HARD FOR HER, what with them trashing her wedding. IT WAS A GREAT WEDDING. She thought they had fun and it broke her heart to hear Teddi say the best part of it was leaving.
Teddi, caught red-handed on account of DOING IT ON CAMERA, admits that she was being shady, but it was hard to hear all the shitty things Camille said about her behind her back. For instance, Teddi had no idea Camille was so angry with her at the camping trip. Camille protests that the camping trip was just one moment and that she thought they got past it. And that’s the point! So did Teddi! Until she saw interview after interview AFTER INTERVIEW of Camille talking shit about her.
Camille yells back that SHE HAS HAD A ROUGH FEW MONTHS AND SO SHE’S SORRY SHE DOESN’T REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE SHITTY THING SHE SAID. Camille is so unhinged at this point that Erika has to tell her to bring it down: no one is yelling at her, and Kyle’s like, “I mean, not ten minutes ago you were saying you didn’t really want us at your wedding, so.”
Kyle continues by noting that they think Camille is a good person, they just wish she was consistent about Lisa. Did Camille think it was easy for her to confront Lisa? OF COURSE IT WASN’T.
Andy changes topics: what did Camille mean when she claimed she was “protecting” Dorit by blabbing about her financial problems on camera? Camille agrees that she was just being an asshole, because what else is she going to say? Dorit’s like, “Cool but we’re never going to be friends.”
Andy turns his attention to Denise: why don’t you like her, Camille? Camille repeats the nonsense about Denise advising her to call her daughter a liar, and Denise is like, “Yeah, that didn’t happen at all. I advised you to reassure your daughter that she hadn’t been snubbed, so as to spare her feelings, you goddamned willful idiot.”
Andy then moves quickly onto the Brett Kavanaugh fight and … I … NONE OF US ARE IN THE HEADSPACE TO RELIVE THAT ONE RIGHT NOW, ANDY.
What I will note is that Kavanaugh supporter, Camille, begins sobbing that she just feels like people should be believed, and everyone is like, “YAH. WE KNOW. TELL THAT TO DR. FORD.”
As Erika sympathizes that Camille is a survivor, too, and has been through a lot, Andy turns to Camille’s most recent challenges: losing her home to the wildfires, and the loss of her assistant, Scott. Camille cries thinking about everything, and Andy adds that he was struck by her saying that losing Scott was far more difficult than losing her home. (Well, no shit, Andy. She owns like five other houses or whatever. Scott is irreplaceable.)
Andy turns to Denise and what she lost in the fire, and she notes that all of their belongings and clothes were ruined, but her biggest concern was making sure the kids and dogs were safe. Andy asks her about Camille’s completely unprovoked bitchy comment about how Denise didn’t understand what Camille had been through because Denise’s “rented house” didn’t burn down, and Denise is like, “Yeah, that was unnecessarily awful. Aaron and I are just trying to start a new life together, so she can fuck right off with that noise.” Camille can’t explain why she said it, and she’s sorry, but Denise is still pissed and notes that this is WHY WE THINK BEFORE WE SPEAK, CAMILLE.
Camille begins crying, again, that she’s had a difficult year with the house burning down and her mom being sick and her family being displaced and people talking shit about her wedding on national TV, it’s JUST BEEN A LOT, and Rinna hugs her for a while because: EESH.
Andy decides to move on to the next montage: FANCY TRIPS!
A viewer tells Kyle that having a Rolex Postmated to dinner is a level of diva to which she aspires before asking if she always seeks Mauricio’s permission before buying herself something. And Kyle’s like, “I mean, it was a $10,000 watch, I kinda felt like I should give him the heads up.”
Dorit agrees that any purchase above $10,000 requires a check-in with her Insufferable Husband while Erika explains that she doesn’t buy herself jewelry, that’s Mr. Girardi’s job, but that she would definitely discuss big purchases with him, like a car.
And listen, I am as much of a Feminazi as anyone, but I would never spend that kind of money without giving my husband the heads up because I WOULD MURDER HIM if he did without discussing it with me. Those are just basic marriage rules, so I don’t even really understand the discussion.
A viewer asks Camille how much her wedding cost.
It was about $120,000 by the way.
Another viewer marvels that the women spent $700 for one night’s worth of groceries, and they assure everyone that they “donated” the leftovers to other campers. Which, let’s just pause here for a moment to talk about the term “donated.” THE OTHER CAMPERS AREN’T A FOOD BANK, THEY DIDN’T NEED YOUR CHARITY, YOU RIDICULOUS WOMEN. You didn’t “donate” food to the other campers — you left them your trash.
Another viewer asks if any of them ever go grocery shopping themselves, and Erika and Rinna both insist that they do. Tellingly, there’s radio silence from the rest.
Andy asks Rinna what was in her giant ass duffel bag, and she insists it was just clothes. For one night. He then asks if she brought her pills, and Rinna is like, “ALWAYS.” No judgment, Rinna. I’d be packing pills if I had to go camping with these women, too.
Andy then notes that it was “fascinating” to see them without their glam squads (was it?), before asking if Kyle was more overserved while clubbing in the Bahamas or at the wine tasting in France, and she’s like, “IT WASN’T EVEN A CONTEST.”
Andy then introduced another Lucy Lucy montage, which, while irritating, is also fairly appropriate for a season that was completely consumed by this stupid purse dog.
An attorney viewer informs the group that polygraphs are only about 70% accurate and not admissible in court, and Andy asks Erika if Mr. Girardi has weighed in on Lisa’s adventures with a lie detector test. Erika lies that he said the same thing as the viewer, that they are inaccurate, but I guarantee you, he had absolutely no thoughts on Lisa taking a VanderGraph because he had no idea she took one. He. Don’t. Care.
Andy, like your trusty blogger, had doubts about Kyle’s story regarding how she found out about the polygraph test, but she insists that she did not hear it from production. In fact! She has the text messages to prove it — that her daughter’s friend wrote that “your mom’s friend, the lady with the dogs is here,” and — HERE’S THE KICKER — the friend was at the polygraph place before production filmed the scene. Lisa did a practice VanderTest, and the version we saw was the second go-round.
Andy, the most credulous human being on Earth, wonders why Lisa would do a test run.
Andy tells the women that the publisher of Radar Online says that Lisa was never an (anonymous) VanderSource, and all the women are like, “NO DOY. Do you actually think Lisa is just going to pick up the phone and call a tabloid herself? She has VanderPeople for that, Andy. Quit playing dumb.”
Andy then notes that this season, Lisa has called the other women, “stupid cows; the real bitches of Beverly Hills; and pigs” and said that Dorit changed her face and accent, and yet, they are being accused of bullying her. And Kyle adds that Andy left off the time Lisa joked about Erika needing to tuck.
Because Erika is who Erika is, she’s like, “Listen, I talk about how people can suck my dick all the time. But what Lisa said is different because it was taking a swipe at a vulnerable community and she should VanderKnow better.”
Andy points out that viewers have called the other women insensitive: her brother just committed suicide and the women piled on her when she wasn’t in the best state of mind. But Kyle calls bullshit on that: they were all deeply empathetic. Dorit talked to Lisa for hours on end, and Rinna insists that none of them bullied her.
As for Lisa, according to reports, she’s not watching this season, and is relying on what other people and Twitter are telling her happened this season. I guess that’s one way to do it.
The final montage is about the end of Lisa and Kyle’s VanderFriendship.
Kyle sobs that it’s just so sad how it all ended, and that she ended up paying the ultimate price for being honest with Lisa. She adds that she is sad thinking how Lisa must feel right now knowing that they are all here talking VanderShit about her, that it must be hard. Andy asks her about running into her at Neiman Marcus, and Kyle claims that before that moment, she thought there was a chance Lisa would show up to the reunion, but that after that, she knew she wouldn’t. Of course, she harbored at least some hope Lisa would show since she brought her birthday present with her but whatever.
Andy asks Kyle about the #GoodbyeKyle Challenge, and she explains that she was sick of trolls on twitter having all the fun, so she decided to own it by turning it into a joke. SO, for those of you who do not wade into the cesspool that is Twitter, people — Lisa’s VanderFans, specifically — started tweeting nasty things about Kyle with the hashtag #GoodbyeKyle, and in response, she had her friends and others do a dramatic interpretation of Grandpa Ken’s now-iconic line, “GOODBYE KYLE.”
— BRAVOpinions (@BRAVOpinions_) April 7, 2019
It was a way to try to take back the hashtag, though a cursory glance on Twitter suggests it was not exactly successful. ANYWAY, over on her blog, Lisa VanderWhined that Kyle was “mocking” her husband with the posts:
The fact that she clearly doesn’t mourn the loss of the friendship, is evident in the “Goodbye Kyle” scenarios on her social media in which she mocks my husband. I see the funny side of most things, but when a relationship is in tatters it would be challenging for me to mock the other party.
And now you are all caught up on the stupidest manufactured disagreement of the season!
Andy asks Kyle if the #GoodbyeKyle Challenge is worth it if it hurts Lisa’s feelings, but Kyle is like, “whatethefuckever.” Kyle explains that her sister Kathy has remained VanderFriends with Lisa and Grandpa Ken, and had recently been at PINK HOUSE for a visit. As she was leaving, Grandpa Ken yelled, “GOODBYE KATHY,” and everyone had a good laugh so Kyle’s going to have to file Lisa’s wounded VanderFeelings under “Bullshit.”
Kyle closes this discussion by noting that Lisa has some amazing qualities, but friendship means taking the good with the bad. She accepted Lisa’s VanderBad and wishes Lisa could be more accepting, too.
With that, Andy dismisses Camille. And, Reader? It only occurred to me HOURS after I watched this that Camille left the reunion without having to sit through the discussion of how she shit-talked all the other women at lunch with Denise — the very conversation that sent her running from the couches in the first place. I SEE YOU, CAMILLE. Well played, I suppose.
Finally, Andy goes around the room for the women’s final thoughts on the season:
The most surprising revelation for Denise as a new Housewife was how genuine her friendships were with the other women.
Andy asks Erika if she thinks she’s changed over the seasons, and she answers that she thinks they’ve all changed.
Andy asks Dorit if she feels secure in her place in the group, and she replies that she does — in THIS group.
Going forward, does Teddi continue to feel pressure to continue being the group’s moral compass? Well, Andy, Teddi does feel like watching this back was a good wake up call, and she’s learned a lot about herself.
If last season we saw the Nicest Fucking Rinna, what was this season’s Rinna? Rinna answers “forthcoming.”
Finally, Kyle: this season might go down in history as the one in which her VanderFriendship ended. How else would she like it to be remembered? Kyle answers that despite it all, the women still had a lot of fun together and she knows they will have even more fun in the future.
Andy, his curiosity getting the best of him, asks if he can open Kyle’s birthday VanderPresent, and she sighs that he can BUT HE BETTER PUT THE BOW BACK ON because she still intends to have it delivered to Lisa. And it is … a belt. A pink belt with a glittery buckle. One of the women suggests Andy wants it for the Clubhouse, but y’all, it’s too boring for the Clubhouse.
With that, the women grab shots of tequila, and Kyle gives some generic toast. Adios, Season Nine. NOW BRING ON THE SCANDALS OF SEASON TEN.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.