Today is Tuesday, and from what I understand, it is also Cinco de Mayo which according to Wikipedia, generates nearly as many beer sales as the Super Bowl, which is just stupid for a “holiday” celebrating one Mexican victory against the French, to whom they eventually lost the war. I’m not saying you have to wait until Mexico’s actual independence day, September 16 to celebrate, I’m just saying know your history.
Anyway, here’s your daily funny times video. Andrew Cotter is the real hero of this quarantine:
President Obama is going to deliver a commencement address for our graduating high school seniors on Graduate Together: America Honors the High School Class of 2020 which will air on May 16 on all the major networks.
First of all, I admit that this does not make up for these kids not having a real graduation ceremony — my kid graduated last year and it meant more to me and to our family than I was even expecting — but it is maybe the best way to honor these kids after a proper ceremony. But second of all, though we don’t know what President Obama is going to say, I am already weepy at just the THOUGHT of someone acting presidential in this crisis. We’ve been deprived for so fucking long. I’m setting the DVR right now.
Charlie Brooker explains there won’t be any new Black Mirror anytime soon because ” I don’t know what stomach there would be for stories about societies falling apart, so I’m not working away on one of those.” FAIR ENOUGH, CHARLIE.
This pandemic is also fucking with American Horror Story. Turns out, Ryan Murphy is probably going to have to come up with a whole different concept for season 10, because the one he was going to do was a very “weather-dependent” show. HMMM.
The Walking Dead: World Beyond will air in the fall.
Selena Gomez is going to cook in quarantine for you on HBO Max.
Background actors very well could become a thing of the past. They aren’t going to be able to hire actual people for a long while, and in the meantime, they’ll be replaced with special effects, probably forever.
The White House is not allowing Dr. Fauci or any of the other coronavirus task force members to testify before Congress which doesn’t smell fishy AT ALL.
The Lincoln Project, which is a group of conservative Never Trumpers, have been putting out ad after ad, lambasting President Inadequate for a few months now. But yesterday, they placed this ad during Tucker Carlson’s show. You should watch it if you haven’t already:
And then over at CNN, they had to send a cease and desist letter to the President Liar’s campaign after they edited footage to make it look like Sanjay Gupta was agreeing that their pissant policies saved millions of lives instead of what he actually said which was that the stay-at-home and social distancing orders may have saved lives.
Meanwhile, Dr. Rick Bright, former head of the Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority (BARDA), filed a 63-page whistleblower report. “According to the complaint, Bright’s superiors at the Department of Health and Human Services began pressuring him to ‘ignore expert recommendations and instead to award lucrative contracts based on political connections and cronyism,’ starting around the spring of 2017.” Things didn’t improve from there and by the time COVID-19 hit, he couldn’t convince his bosses to ramp up mask production and then the whole hydroxychloroquine shitshow happened.
But hey! Vice President Mayonnaise says they are going to wind up the Coronavirus Task Force because apparently we’re all done here. Nevermind that most states haven’t peaked and we are headed to 3,000 deaths a day by June, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Antonio Bolívar, an actor, has died from coronavirus.
Dr. Fauci revealed that Chris Cuomo was much sicker than he appeared on camera (and that they have been personal friends for years? Huh.).
The High Note, a movie starring Tracee Ellis Ross and Dakota Johnson, will debut on VOD instead of theaters on May 29.
Is there any chance the person who wrote the “Where’s the Beef?” commercials was actually a time traveler and the creation of the campaign was all for this one particular moment in time?
Carnival Cruises are going to start sailing again in August. OK. We’ll see.
There is a Happy Endings reunion in the works to raise money for charity.
The SAG-AFTRA Foundation has distributed more than $3.5 million in emergency aid to SAG-AFTRA members
You could hang out with the Avengers if you donate enough to charity.
A bunch of great stage actors are going to do a series of weekly readings to raise money for the Actor’s Fund.
All Other TV News
Andy Lack, the head of NBC News and the guy who squashed the Harvey Weinstein story, and protected Matt Lauer, is finally — FINALLY — out. Additionally, the NY Attorney General’s office is investigating the network on sexual abuse and harassment claims. Interesting timing.
Speaking of Charlie Brooker, he made these amazing videos critiquing news segments. The first is from ten years ago BUT HEY, IT’S NEW TO ME.
The Weeknd had a song on American Dad and I saw this story on probably six or seven different sites, so I guess people care? Anyway, it’s about him being a secret virgin.
Some investors with ties to the Trump family have acquired a major stake in One America News Network, with possible plans to turn it into Trump TV and take down Fox News which President Wort President does not find sufficiently sycophantic.
The worst thing about these stupid memes is not that they encourage violence towards the media — which they absolutely do — it’s that these idiots think this is the height of wit. I hope Disney ceases and desists his ass.
May The 4th Be With You! pic.twitter.com/TdFY5ojlgN
— Team Trump (Text TRUMP to 88022) (@TeamTrump) May 4, 2020
- Celebrity IOU has been renewed at HGTV for a second season.
- Under the Skin is being turned into a TV series.
- A Good Marriage is being adapted by Nicole Kidman for Amazon.
- The Right Stuff series is moving to Disney+.
- Fun, a comedy pilot, is not moving forward at CBS.
- Extraction 2 is in the works at Netflix.
- J.J. Abrams upcoming sci-fi series Demimonde has found its showrunners. It will air on HBO.
- The upcoming Battlestar Galactica reboot on Peacock has found its showrunner.
- Kerry Ehrin has extended her deal with Apple TV+.
- Kylie Bunbury, Sky Ferreira, Topher Grace, David Krumholtz, Thomas Lennon, Natalie Martinez, Gretchen Mol, Paula Newsome, Jurnee Smollett, Damon Wayans Jr. will appear in the second season of The Twilight Zone on CBS All Access.
- Ralph Fiennes is set to star as Miss Trunchbull in Netflix’s Matilda.
- RuPaul will compete on the primetime episode of The Price is Right airing on May 11.
- Mark Hamil is guest-starring on What We Do in the Shadows on FX.
Mark Your Calendars
- Space Force will debut on Netflix on May 29.
- I’ll Be Gone in the Dark will debut on HBO on June 28.
- Sweet Magnolias will debut on Netflix … soon?
- The Big Flower Fight will premiere on Netflix on May 18.
- I Was Lorena Bobbitt will debut on Lifetime on May 25.
- The Greatest #StayAtHome Videos will debut on CBS on May 15.
- A Too Hot to Handle reunion will debut on Netflix on May 8.
- The Biebers on Watch debuted on Facebook Watch yesterday.
- Outcry will debut on Showtime on July 5.
- Ghost Adventures: Quarantine will premiere on Travel Channel on June 11, and it’s basically Zac Bagans staying at his own haunted museum (which I shamefully have been to) and freaking himself out. Alright.
- Kingdom of the Mummies will premiere on May 12 on National Geographic.
- ID Presents Nine at 9 will debut on Investigation Discovery on June 2.
- Building Giants will return on Science Channel on May 6.
- Syfy Wire’s The Great Debate will premiere on Syfy on June 18.
- Siesta Keys returns on MTV on June 16.
Michael Keenan, Actor on Pickett Fences among others
John Ericson, TV and film actor
Don Shula, Miami Dolphins coach
Roger Horchow, Broadway director
Rosalind Elias, Opera singer
Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill: I mean, you know what this is. Premiere. Netflix
Natalie Wood: What Remains Behind: Natalie Wood’s daughter is behind this documentary that focuses on her mother’s life and talent and less on her sensationalized death. 8 p.m., HBO
The Conners: Dan contends with a possible foreclosure in the season finale. 7 p.m., ABC
Bless This Mess: TORNADO! Season finale. 7:30 p.m., ABC
mixed-ish: Alicia and Paul are invited to work on the Jesse Jackson presidential campaign in the season finale. 8 p.m., ABC
black-ish: Dre discovers Ruby and Pops’ secret. Season finale. 8:30 p.m., ABC
FBI: Most Wanted: The family that robs banks together, stays together. Season finale. 9 p.m., CBS
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Ryan Reynolds, Karlie Kloss, Ezra Koenig
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Nathan Lane, Lauren Lapkus
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Stephen King, Sheryl Crow
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Alain de Botton, Barry Manilow
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jerry Seinfeld
- The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
- Conan: Hank Azaria
- Watch What Happens Live: Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, Marie Osmond
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: The Daily Social Distancing Show
|Bless This Mess
|FBI: Most Wanted
|DC’s Legends of Tomorrow
|FOX||The Masked Singer
|Ellen’s Game of Games