The Real Housewives of New York
May 15, 2019
Pack your bags, we’re going upstate to check out The Countess’ new palace … in a minute.
First, we have to wander around Dorinda’s new
Murray Hill Sutton Place neighborhood in an attempt to pretend it’s not hopelessly boring.
We also join Bethenny, Tinsley, and Ramona for pre-trip margaritas. Sonja and that Barbara woman are the only ones heading upstate early; Ramona is staying behind because her real friends are throwing her a birthday party that the rest of the women are explicitly NOT invited to, and the rest of them … just don’t want to go up there for the entire weekend? It’s never explained.
In any event, Tinsley comes in hot: her dog has cancer and the night before, Sonja was a drunken monster to her about how she doesn’t REALLY want a baby, and if she does want a baby, she doesn’t need a man for that, and she needs to give up on wanting something she is never going to have: a traditional marriage and family. And while that is probably realistic, it’s also a bit harsh to yell at someone who has just broken up with their long-time boyfriend and whose beloved dog is dying.
Ramona joins them and begins explaining to Bethenny that Barbara said something to her when they were shopping to the tune of “you [Ramona] have no filter and can come off sounding like an asshole,” and it resonated. To that end, she wants Bethenny to know that she is trying to phrase this as gently as she possibly can …
… but she feels like Bethenny is isolating herself from the rest of the women. Ramona knows that Bethenny is busy and has a lot of problems in her life, and a lot going on, but how could Bethenny miss Ramona’s last-minute charity event for America Loves Kids in favor of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show?!? Instead of ripping her throat out, Bethenny calmy thanks Ramona for her honesty, and adds that she’s glad Ramona got this off her chest.
Is she? I mean, it’s rich for Ramona to complain about Bethenny not going to an event when she blows them off all the time. But I suppose the larger point is, Bethenny is more pissed at The Countess than Ramona at the moment, and as such, she begins complaining about The Countess complaining about Bethenny leaving a party early that Ramona couldn’t even be fucked to go to. I mean, I’m not mad at it, I just am impressed that Ramona managed to try to start some hypocritical bullshit with Bethenny and somehow The Countess became the villain.
The ladies then turn their attention back to Tinsley’s problem, and she explains that not being a mother makes her feel inadequate as a woman and that none of them can understand as they all have children. Bethenny urges Tinsley to really think about this because the whole “women can have it all” message is a FUCKING LIE. Also, her biological clock is tick-tocking so she needs to make some decisions and FAST. Tinsley sighs that she just broke up with Scott: she’s not ready to date again for a while, and Bethenny is like, “who said boo about dating? Go pick out your perfect baby daddy from the catalog at the fertility clinic and work out the husband part later.”
Finally, Ramona reveals where their next trip is going to be: Miami and adds that maybe Mario can swing by to visit. Bethenny teases Ramona about when the last time she saw Mario’s penis was and Ramona can’t keep her cool.
This was some 18 months ago. They’re quarantining together, in case you somehow missed THAT memo.
Later, Ramona buys The Countess some ugly-as-sin candlestick holders as a housewarming present which I only mention in case it becomes a plot point later because you just never know with these maniacs.
About that house: Sonja and her little dog take a very fancy private bus up the road to Kingston, New York where The Countess bought a second home after getting into a whole thing with her children and ex-husband over the Hampton house. (It wasn’t hers to sell, but she tried to sell it so that she could buy a $6 million manse upstate. They sued the shit out of her, she became a bigger drunk, Bethenny had to send her to rehab, and when she came back, she bought this more modest $1 million, 2,400 square foot house as a consolation prize.) And it’s nice! It’s a nice house right on the Hudson River with great views and a whole mid-century modern vibe and I dig it. The Countess claims she actually prefers it to the Hamptons where she was so besieged by paparazzi that she simply could not relax, darlings.
And listen, I do not doubt for a second she was being stalked by the paparazzi — I just think it was about them trying to get a killer shot of the drunken jailbird reality tv personality than it was about getting a shot of the glamorous cabaret star.
The Countess gives Sonja a tour of the place and then starts cooking for Sonja and Barbara. Over dinner, the topic of the Halloween party comes up, again, and soon Sonja and Barbara are giving The Countess shit for not coming out before the performance to greet them. The Countess is outraged: SHE WAS REHEARSING, AND ANYWAY, WHY COULDN’T BETHENNY WAIT 10 MINUTES TO SEE HER PERFORM? HER DAUGHTER WAS FAST ASLEEP, WHAT WAS THE RUSH? Sonja points out that The Countess is acting like a spoiled celebrity, and The Countess snaps that SONJA IS AT HER HOUSE EATING AT HER TABLE AND SHE BETTER WATCH HERSELF.
Sonja changes tactics and shrugs that she and Barbara are just being honest with The Countess and telling her what the other women are saying behind her back. And The Countess huffs that they better not be planning to come up to her “happy place” to gang up on her.
The next day, Bethenny, Dorinda, and Tinsley take a car upstate and decide that the drinking game for the weekend is to take a shot every time the word “cabaret” is said.
Ladies, that is a one-way highway to Cirrhosisville.
At the house, Sonja and Barbara share childhood bullying stories, and Sonja reveals that her “favorite move” was to bash girls’ heads into the hand dryer.
The other women finally arrive, and declare the house to be a “charming” and “manageable bungalow” which translated from the original Bitch means “small” and “where the poors live.”
The women briefly discuss the fact that Ramona chose to stay in the city for a birthday party thrown in her honor that she did not invite any of them to:
… and Sonja huffs that WE’LL JUST SEE HOW MANY OF THOSE PEOPLE STICK AROUND FOR THE LONG HAUL.
Over lunch, The Countess explains the agenda for the evening: they will go to Rhinebeck for dinner and then back to Kingston to see an 80-year-old woman named Margarita perform. The Countess thought it would be fun: they could all throw on their feather boas and sparkles and have a great time. The other women point out that they didn’t pack their boas because they didn’t think they were going to a bachelorette party, but The Countess insists she should have enough there at the house for all of them.
Tinsley brings up her hurt feelings with Sonja, who admits that she was rude. And she could have just left it there, but chooses to add that she just didn’t have “any strength for the boyfriend and the baby story again.”
Changing the conversation, The Countess notes that she, Barbara, and Sonja had a fun conversation the night before where they were talking about how Barbara is “liquid metro.” Translated from the original Clueless White Lady, she means “gender fluid.” Barbara explains that she’s not bisexual, she’s sexually fluid and had a year-long relationship with a woman. It broke up because she is not a lesbian, she loves men more. The Countess admits that she was shocked when Barbara started dating a woman.
The Countess then asks everyone if they think she’s “landed on [her] feet,” and they’re like, “yep. Guess so.” She then starts talking about how she is making plans for her Christmas show, when somehow the conversation is turned back to the Halloween performance. Bethenny explains that she had to leave at 11:30 to relieve her babysitter, but that she was at the party for three and a half hours before she gave up on seeing The Countess’ performance. The Countess points out that Bethenny’s daughter should be asleep by 11 or 12, to which Bethenny reminds her that IT WAS A SCHOOL NIGHT. THEY HAD TO BOTH GET UP IN THE MORNING.
The Countess tries to outmaneuver Bethenny by explaining that it’s just that Bethenny came to her rescue in so many ways, it would have been nice to have her there to celebrate the good things in The Countess’ life, like her cabaret performances.
Bethenny reminds her, again, that she is the MOTHER OF AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD, to which The Countess replies, “So?”
And that’s when I would have snapped, but Bethenny just continues: She’s a mother and needs to take care of her child at night. The Countess huffs that SHE IS A MOTHER, TOO, SO DON’T TALK TO HER LIKE SHE’S NOT. Bethenny reminds The Countess that she is not the mother to an eight-year-old. She adds that The Countess told her to just get someone to watch her kid, before explaining that she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to go out every night, she doesn’t want someone else raising her daughter. And that’s all reasonable! I have two teenagers and I STILL don’t want to be out past my bedtime. Bethenny explains to this 6’5″ toddler that The Countess can do what she wants with her life, but that she can not dictate to Bethenny what she does with her life.
The Countess acknowledges that she was late with her performance and that she didn’t text anyone to let them know what time she was going on but BRYNN WAS SLEEPING.
Bethenny sighs that The Countess is hurting her feelings by second-guessing her choices as a mother, to which The Countess, because she is a walking Narcissistic Personality Disorder, explains that it hurt HER feelings when Bethenny wouldn’t abandon her child to celebrate her accomplishments. Bethenny replies that she can’t live her life celebrating The Countess, she already did that this summer. To which THIS DELUSIONAL BITCH RIGHT HERE asks, “what do you mean you celebrated me this summer?”
Literally everyone in that room and watching at home:
And this is going to be continued because what, we’re only going to spend two episodes following an argument about someone leaving a party early? Come on.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.