The impeachment trial of President Bunghole is mere hours away from officially becoming a Yam Sham

Impeachment Corner!

It very well may be the final day of the impeachment trial of Donald Jonald Trump … or maybe the last day will be tomorrow, or maybe, as some are suggesting, the last day will be Wednesday … Whatever, it doesn’t really matter. The Republicans are on the verge to do what they were always going to do: acquit their criminal President.

After days of heated speculation, the Republicans announced in the past 15 hours or so that they intend to plug their ears, shut their eyes, and yell, “LALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” while excerpts from John Bolton’s book continue leaking out all over the place implicating the President in a military aid for political dirt scheme. But they are not interested in hearing from Bolton directly, they explained, because REASONS.

Senator Lamar Alexander of Tennessee, who is retiring this year, explained yesterday that he had no intention to vote to hear witnesses because while President Grifter grifted, he’s not going to be removed so what’s the point? Alexander, long considered the possible fourth vote for witnesses, basically threw himself on a bomb: by declaring that he wouldn’t vote for witnesses, he allowed Senators Mitt Romney and Susan Collins to declare that they would vote for witnesses without it meaning a God damned thing. MAINE, I HOPE YOU’RE PAYING ATTENTION. COLLINS IS PARTICIPATING IN A SHAM. A YAM SHAM. DO NOT FALL FOR IT AND VOTE HER ASS OUT IN NOVEMBER.

And the nail in the witness coffin came this morning from Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski who claimed she would not vote for witnesses because 1. the impeachment was entirely partisan and 2. to protect the good name of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts.

1. First of all, I am sick to death of this partisanship argument. The impeachment was entirely partisan because the Republicans learned their lesson after Nixon’s impeachment and decided to never allow that to happen to another Republican president ever again by remaining unified no matter what. If you’re going to decry partisanship, it should be directed at the Republicans who were never going to listen to an investigation into a Republican president with open and impartial minds.

2. What? No, really, what the fuck? Oh wait, this has to do with Elizabeth Warren. We’ll get to that, but this is a ridiculous reason to not hear witnesses, y’all.

Oh and not that it matters, but I feel like you need to see Florida Senator Marco Rubio’s  excuse for not removing Trump from office:

“Just because actions meet a standard of impeachment does not mean it is in the best interest of the country to remove a President from office.”

So what happened yesterday? More of the question and answer game. Some highlights from yesterday include Senator Rand Paul submitting a question that named the whistleblower and Chief Justice John Roberts refusing to read it out loud because SOME PEOPLE HAVE INTEGRITY.

Senator Elizabeth Warren asked “Does the fact that the chief justice is presiding over an impeachment trial in which Republican senators have thus far refused to allow witnesses or evidence contribute to the loss of legitimacy of the chief justice, the Supreme Court and the Constitution?” People freaked out and at least one Senator clutched her pearls and used this as an excuse for not hearing witnesses at all.

But my favorite highlight from yesterday came when Adam Schiff explained that on the same day the White House team was arguing that the Congress had to go through the courts to get documents and witnesses (and therefore article two of the impeachment was invalid), the Department of Justice was in a courtroom arguing that the court shouldn’t order them to hand over documents to Congress, and that if Congress wanted them they would have to impeach the President:

 

And what is happening today? The final act of the sham. Both sides will spend four hours debating the issue of calling witnesses and subpoenaing documents.

But as noted above, it’s all but a done deal. There will be no witnesses even as it was just revealed this morning that President Vulgarian asked John Bolton to set up a meeting between Rudy Giuliani and President Zelinsky to talk investigations into the Bidens. And you know who else was in the room at the time? Acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, Rudy himself and  DUN DUN DUN! White House Counsel Pat Cipollone — the same guy defending President Dingus in the impeachment trial. You know, otherwise known as a “material witness.”

.@RepAdamSchiff on reporting Trump directed Bolton to work with Giuliani on his scheme in May and that White House Counsel Cipollone was there:

“Just as we predicted, and it didn’t require any great act of clairvoyance, the facts will come out. They will continue to come out.” pic.twitter.com/8qrF3U7DH0

— House Intelligence Committee (@HouseIntel) January 31, 2020

Will this make Senators change their mind about hearing from John Bolton? LOL DON’T BE RIDICULOUS.

And you know what? Personally, I’m at peace with this. In fact, it might even be better in the long run if we DON’T hear witnesses because of the Republicans’ obstruction. The truth of the matter is most Americans haven’t been watching hour after hour of this trial, and most Americans don’t give two shits about court procedural rules and issues. But most Americans do understand that a trial without witnesses and evidence is A Big Steaming Pile of Bulllllllllshit and they will wonder what the Republicans were afraid of hearing.

And I also believe they won’t have to wait long. John Bolton’s book will be published in a matter of weeks, and that mustache will be all over the talk shows telling anyone who will give him some air time exactly what President Zippy did. And he won’t be the only one — Lev Parnas just now produced a letter claiming that he could provide evidence that Trump, Pence, Pompeo, Rick Perry, Bill Barr, Lindsey Graham, Devin Nunes, Giuliani and others were involved in this conspiracy. This story will hang like a millstone around the neck of every Republican who voted to cover up for this would-be-king come November — that is if the Democrats do their job and spend the next nine months screaming about it at the top of their lungs.

So, yeah, today is a disappointing day. It’s a scary day. We are about to establish some very worrisome precedents not only for this law-breaking motherfucker in the remaining months of his first term but for all presidents after him. It is a real question in this moment if the Republicans aren’t about to destabilize our democracy forever because they are afraid of being screamed at by a few MAGA-hatted dumbasses over the next month or so.

But I hope everyone remembers how it feels right now, these feelings of dread, of worry, of anger. And I hope that these feelings propel all of us through the next nine months to make sure we never have another president — and even more importantly, another senate — that makes us feel this way again.

Or as the Senate Chaplain succinctly put it:

Rear Adm. Barry Black's opening #ImpeachmentTrial prayer: "Lord, help them to remember that they can't ignore you and get away with it. For we always reap what we sow." pic.twitter.com/RyxNvgdXp4

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) January 31, 2020

WE CAN ALL SEE YOU, GOP. We can all see what you are doing and we are coming for you in November.

In Other TV News

Hey! Look! You can watch the first episode of Star Trek: Picard right here! For free!

Here, Quibi tries to explain what it is, and from what I can tell, it’s a streaming app that will get you arrested? This doesn’t seem like much of a business model …

When I end up dead next week, this will be the cause.

Apparently, the Top Gear and The Grand Tour crews are in casual contact so as to not do the same things.

George Cheeks is the new head of CBS Entertainment.

So, Meghan McCain confirmed those rumors about her fight with Abby Huntsman.

H’oh boy, Roku users who care about the Super Bowl are gonna be PISSED.

Missing Deadspin as we head into Super Bowl weekend? GREAT NEWS: many of its best writers have teamed up for another site: unnamedtemporarysportsblog.com. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Time’s Up

The Vanderpump Dog Foundation is being sued for sexual harassment by a former employee who claims her boss used to call her “a ‘skinny no-ass fool,’ and a ‘flat-ass bitch.’ He also told [her] that he didn’t know how her girlfriend could stand to be with her because she had no ass.” This is what you get for not calling it “Vanderpets,” Lisa.

SAG-AFTRA has established new guidelines for the use of intimacy coordinators for sex scenes.

In the Harvey Weinstein trial, one of the two accusers, hairstylist and actress Jessica Mann, testified about being raped by him. She also testified that he has no testicles. I’M SORRY THAT I PUT THAT MENTAL IMAGE IN YOUR BRAIN AND YOU’LL NEVER BE RID OF IT. Another actress, Dawn Dunning, one of the prosecution’s “prior bad acts” witnesses, described being assaulted and being propositioned by Weinstein.

This Prince Andrew story isn’t going away.

Renewals

• The Young and the Restless has been renewed through 2024.
• Beat Shazam has been renewed for a fourth season at Fox.

Cancellations

• The Crown will end after five seasons on Netflix — so, no, Meghan and Harry will not be featured. Originally, it was thought the series run for six seasons.

In Development

• The Big Sky, a drama from David E. Kelly, has been ordered straight-to-series at ABC.
• Wreckage, a plane crash drama, has been given a pilot order at ABC.
• This Country, a mockumentary comedy based on a British series, has been given a pilot order at Fox.
• Kung Fu and The Republic of Sarah have been given pilot orders at The CW.
• An untilted musical comedy starring Cecily Strong is in the works at Apple TV+.
• Country Comfort, a nanny comedy starring Katharine McPhee and Eddie Cibrian, is in the works at Netflix.
• Run the World, a comedy series, has been ordered at Starz.
• Bad Ideas, a “wacky celebrity reality series” hosted by Adam Devine, is being developed at Quibi.
• Afro.Punks, a drama from Gabrielle Union’s production company, is in the works at HBO Max.
• Adam Sandler has extended his deal with Netflix for four more movies.
• Julie Plec has signed an overall deal with Universal Television.
• The Game reboot is not moving forward at The CW.

Casting News

• Owen Wilson is joining the cast of Loki on Disney+.
• Linda Hamilton, Mandell Maughan, and Alex Barima are joining Resident Alien on Syfy.
• Nicki Minaj will guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race this season.
• Sarah Shahi will star in Netflix’s Sex/Life.
• David Krumholtz has joined the cast of Evel on USA.
• Harry Richardson, Thomas Cocquerel, and Jack Gilpin are joining the cast of The Gilded Age on HBO.
• Mather Zickel has joined The Crew on Netflix.
• Chance Kelly has joined For Life on ABC.
• Amelie Bea will not be the voice of Peppa the Pig.

Mark Your Calendar

• The Plot Against America will premiere on HBO on March 16.

• Love is Blind will debut on Netflix on February 13.

• War of the Worlds will premiere on Epix on February 16.

• Ghost in the Shell: SAC_2045 will premiere on Netflix in April.

• Narcos: Mexico returns on Netflix on February 13.

• Queen Sono will debut on Netflix on February 28.

• Empire will return on Fox for its final episodes on March 3.
• The Baker and the Beauty is now debuting on ABC on April 13.

R.I.P.

Fred Silverman, A TV executive who worked at ABC, CBS and NBC. He was behind All in the Family, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, M*A*S*H, Laverne & Shirley, Matlock, and Hill Street Blues.

“There would be no ALL IN THE FAMILY or MAUDE without Fred Silverman. Bless his every memory.” https://t.co/GhfVmDoEWd

— Norman Lear (@TheNormanLear) January 30, 2020

Fred gave me my first "shot" in TV. He saw something that even I didn't. He was a great character, very kind to me and I am grateful to him always – Rest In Peace Fred Silverman https://t.co/3V2yVAF5NC via @Deadline

— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) January 30, 2020

Joyce Sevilla, Nightlife and entertainment publicist

Jörn Donner, Film producer

WATCH THIS

FRIDAY

BoJack Horseman: See how it all ends for one of the most critically-acclaimed animated series ever. Series finale. Netflix

Miss Americana: A documentary that follows Taylor Swift over the course of several years of her career. Premiere. Netflix

Ragnarok: A hero/coming-of-age series based in Norse folklore from the folks who brought you Dark. Netflix

Ted Bundy: Falling for a Killer: Ted Bundy’s ex-girlfriend and others open up about their relationships with the serial killer. Series premiere. Amazon

Magnum P.I.: An innocent woman is the target of a hit in the winter finale. 8 p.m., CBS

SATURDAY

Saturday Night Live: J.J. WATT ALERT. 10:30 p.m., NBC

Super Bowl LIV Music Fest: Hey, did y’all know that Guns ‘N’ Roses are back together? Because they are and performing ahead of the Super Bowl. 10:30 p.m., Fox

Speed: POP QUIZ, HOTSHOT. 6:44 p.m., Bravo

SUNDAY

Super Bowl LIV: The biggest day in Sportsball is here. 5:30 p.m., Fox

Puppy Bowl: The biggest day in adorableness is here. 2 p.m., Animal Planet

The Masked Singer: The biggest day in C- and D-list celebrities doing karaoke in batshit-insane costumes is here. Season premiere. 9:30-ish p.m., Fox

Late Night:

• Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (Friday): Ewan McGregor, Fran Lebowitz, Mustard & Roddy Ricch
• The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: (Friday): Edie Falco, Fortune Feimster

FRI.

7:00

7:30

8:00

8:30

9:00

9:30

ABC

American Housewife (repeat)

Fresh Off the Boat (repeat)

20/20 (new)

CBS

Hawaii Five-0 (new)

Magnum P.I. (new)

Blue Bloods (new)

CW

Charmed (new)

Dynasty (new)

Local

FOX

Friday Night Smackdown (new)

Local

NBC

Lincoln Rhyme: The Hunt for the Bone Collector (new)

Dateline (new)

—

SAT.

7:00

7:30

8:00

8:30

9:00

9:30

10:00

10:30

11:00

11:30

ABC

NBA Basketball (live)

News/Local

CBS

NCIS (repeat)

FBI: Most Wanted (repeat)

48 Hours (new)

News/Local

FOX

NFL Honors (live)

News/Local

NBC

Dateline

News/ Local

Saturday Night Live (repeat)

Saturday Night Live (J.J. Watt & Luke Combs)

—

SUN.

6:00

6:30

7:00

7:30

8:00

8:30

9:00

9:30

ABC

America’s Funniest Home Videos (repeat)

America’s Funniest Home Videos (repeat)

Shark Tank (repeat)

Shark Tank (repeat)

CBS

60 Minutes (repeat)

NCIS (repeat)

FBI (repeat)

NCIS: New Orleans (repeat)

The CW

Local

Batwoman (repeat)

Supergirl (repeat)

Local

FOX

Super Bowl LIV (live)

The Masked Singer (new)

 

NBC

America’s Got Talent: The Champions (repeat)

Ellen’s Game of Games (repeat)