Yes, I took a break from the impeachment proceedings yesterday BECAUSE WE ALL NEED A LITTLE MENTAL HEALTH TIME. But that doesn’t mean things weren’t happening:
So before the articles of impeachment can leave the Judiciary Committee — the House Committee who wrote the articles of impeachment — and be voted on by the entire House, the Judiciary Committee themselves have to vote on the articles. This first vote is expected to take place later today or this evening. But! Before they can do that, the Committee must do what is called a “markup” of the articles — basically, they debate the articles publically and ham it up to the TV audience.
The markup process began last night and continues today, and I’m going to be honest with you, dear reader, I did not watch the debates the way I did all of the hearings because there was is only so much Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan screaming I can take. I’ve tuned in a bit today, and the showboating and yelling on the part of the Republicans is really something to behold. I don’t know what Hunter Biden’s use of crack has to do with Trump extorting a foreign country for campaign dirt, but I’m sure there is some Fox News viewer out there who is convinced that these two things are not just related but equally bad.
Anyway, what you should know about this particular circus is outlined nicely in this Washington Post article, which I will basically plagiarize here (go read it):
- The Democrats on the Judiciary Committee are united on the need for impeachment, but there are some moderate Democrats in the House who are peeing their pants a little bit at the thought of DOING THE RIGHT THING. (That said, two moderate Democrats in sensitive districts have come out in favor of impeachment, so stay tuned.)
- The Republicans on the Judiciary Committee are so far up President Bribery’s ass they are paying rent.
- That said, the Republicans can’t quite bring themselves to say that President Goofus did nothing wrong — just that what he did isn’t impeachable.
- And to that point, they are arguing that to be impeached, the President must commit a crime. Since the Democrats declined to draft an article of impeachment for bribery, the Republicans are pouncing on this. By the way, it’s not a correct argument. The Constitution says that a President can be impeached for “high crimes and misdemeanors” which was deliberately left vague and up to the Congress to define.
- Matt Gaetz is a hypocritical putz. This is the asshole who brought up Hunter Biden’s well-documented drug abuse issues. In response, Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) said: “The pot calling the kettle black is not something that we should do. I don’t know what members, if any, have had any problems with substance abuse been busted in DUI. I don’t know. But if I did, I wouldn’t raise it against anyone on this committee.” I’m just going to leave this here:
"Pot calling the kettle black." This is the mugshot of @mattgaetz who was arrested on suspicion of DUI in October 2008. He refused a field sobriety test. His dad was a State Senator at the time and charges were ultimately dismissed. Read here: https://t.co/XHE6j6Jq7q pic.twitter.com/mCZLwuAQnl
— Dan Przygoda (@dprzygoda) December 12, 2019
Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell reportedly wants a short Senate trial and, get this, not call any witnesses. Now, I don’t know that it’s a trial WITHOUT WITNESSES, but when the facts aren’t on your side, you
throw a sham trial do what you have to do.
The Toilet-Breaker-in-Chief knows his ass is about to get impeached and is totally handling it like a normal person: tweeting some 110 times just in the past 6 hours.
Right, so, like I said, when the Judiciary Committee is done with the markup process, they will vote on the articles of impeachment. (They will pass.) They will then send the articles to the full House for a vote on whether or not to impeach the President. (They will impeach him.) Then the whole matter moves to the Senate, and my January is ruined.
But until then, Merry Impeachment to me!
In Other TV News
No, Peter Dinklage, I’m not mad at the finale of Game of Thrones because I didn’t want it to end, I’m not a FUCKING CHILD. I am mad at how Game of Thrones ended because it was a rushed mess that sacrificed years of careful character development.
In other Game of Thrones news, might we see Melisandre in the prequel series, House of the Dragon? DUNNO, but I’m listening …
Fox News’ Chris Wallace: “I believe that President Trump is engaged in the most direct, sustained assault on freedom of the press in our history. He has done everything he can to undercut the media, to try and delegitimize us, and I think his purpose is clear: to raise doubts when we report critically about him and his administration that we can be trusted. Back in 2017, he tweeted something that said far more about him than it did about us: ‘The fake news media is not my enemy. It is the enemy of the American people.’”
I’m not even going to add anything to that.
However, related and in good news, Sinclair Broadcast Group has dropped Boris Epshteyn’s commentaries.
This column about how the Golden Globes fumbled their nominations gets so close to getting it right but then drops the ball before reaching the correct conclusion. The piece notes how ridiculous it is that Catch-22 received a nomination but When They See Us did not. They then go on to note as a good thing that Unbelievable — which just like When They See Us was a Netflix limited series about a miscarriage of justice — received a nomination and assumed that it was because it came out on Netflix more recently. ORRRRRR … and stay with me here, The Hollywood Foreign Press Association nominates projects whose stars with whom they want to hobnob with at their pre-awards parties. When They See Us‘s stars are mostly a bunch of young actors of color who are not household names much less movie stars. Toni Collette is a movie star, and you know who else is a movie star? GEORGE FUCKING CLOONEY. Don’t be so dense. The Golden Globes are a dumb awards ceremony that shouldn’t matter.
Hey, here are some Christmas horror movies you can stream if you’ve had your fill of Hallmark movies about women leaving their big city jobs and returning to the small town they grew up in to finally find love and happiness working in their family’s trinket shop.
Can you guess the top five cable channels? I’ll give you the number one channel: Fox News. And you’ll probably be able to guess the next two if you really thought about it, but numbers four and five genuinely surprised me.
- Cameron Boyce
- Nipsey Hustle
- Hurricane Dorian
- Antonio Brown
- Luke Perry
- Avengers Endgame
- Game of Thrones
- Jussie Smollett
Yeah … sounds about right.
Sex Monster News
Welp, that Survivor contestant who was accused of being gropey was warned to not be gropey and then he was gropey again, so he’s been removed from the show. Apparently, on the show, Jeff Probst arrived at the camp and announced that Dan Spilo would not be returning to camp. “He won’t be coming back to camp, he won’t be on the jury. He’s gone.” Later in the show, a title card read: “Dan was removed from the game after a report of another incident, which happened off-camera and did not involve a player.” WOW. MAYBE IF YOU HAD BELIEVED THE FIRST WOMAN — OR EVEN YOUR OWN FOOTAGE WHICH SHOWED HIM BEING GROPEY FROM DAY ONE — Y’ALL WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION. Even worse, y’all knew this was coming when you aired the earlier controversial episode where his accuser was eliminated, and this is THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH? CBS, y’all have a real problem.
Harvey Weinstein is having quite the week: first, his bail was, in fact, increased to $5 million after he tampered with his ankle monitor. Then, The Weinstein Company reached a tentative settlement for $25 million with his accusers. Except … it’s a pretty shitty deal from what I can tell: only $6.2 would go to 18 accusers; $18.5 would go to a pool for those who are in a class-action suit brought by the State of New York; and $12 million would go to cover Weinstein’s legal fees and to members of The Weinstein Company’s board members, including his brother, Bob.
Yep! Weinstein’s legal bills and the board members will be paid from a settlement that is being touted as taking care of the victims. In fact, they get twice as much as the 18 named victims, because the money isn’t actually being paid by Harvey Weinstein, but instead The Weinstein Company’s insurance company sooooo … As you can imagine, many of the lawyers on the other side are calling literal bullshit on this deal as is Time’s Up.
Meanwhile, in Snakes Eating Rats news, Roman Polanski is whinging that Weinstein’s behavior is why people are talking about him again. OH WELL. SUCKS TO BE A CHILD PREDATOR, I GUESS.
A runner slapped the ass of an on-air reporter during a fun run in Savannah, Georgia, and has been identified as a youth minister and Boy Scout leader. And I wish I could tell you I was shocked. I am not.
If you think this is harmless fun, I challenge you to watch the clip and look at the reporter’s face as she registers shock, embarrassment, and anger.
— Tonya (@GrrrlZilla) December 7, 2019
I have been there, I know that feeling, and I am pleased to hear she is filing a sexual battery report against him. “It’s not OK to help yourself to a woman’s body just because you feel like it. It’s not playful. He hurt me, both physically and emotionally, and I think in order to make any kind of change, you have to be a little bit drastic and you have to kind of chip away at this toxic culture that permeates our society,” said reporter Alex Bozarjian in a statement.
- Ghost Nation has been renewed for a second season at Travel Channel.
- Bargain Mansions has been renewed at HGTV.
- Mira, Royal Detective has been renewed for a second season at Disney Junior.
- National Lampoon’s Vacation is being turned into a series at HBO Max.
- Cousin Greg — Nicholas Braun — is producing and will star in an HBO Max limited series about the WeWork guy, Adam Neumann.
- Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Nick Jonas have set a reality series about the Indian wedding tradition of sangeet at Amazon.
- Gorge, a mountain climbing movie produced by and possibly starring Chrissy Metz, is in the works at Amazon.
- The Perfect Couple is being adapted as a TV series for Fox.
- Life at the Bottom, a comedy, has been bought by NBC.
- An untitled twins animated comedy is in the works at Fox.
- Beach Watch, a comedy from the Superstore folks, is being developed at NBC.
- Sentient, an A.I. drama, has been ordered at Netflix.
- The Illuminatus! Trilogy is being adapted as a TV series.
- Line Friends has been ordered at Netflix.
- Man Labs is possibly coming to Amazon.
- You Can Not Kill David Arquette, a documentary, is in the works.
- The Thaw has been bought by HBO Europe.
- Kevin Bacon, Jesse Eisenberg, and Justina Machado are joining the cast of Live in Front of a Studio Audience: ‘All in the Family’ and ‘Good Times’ on ABC. And Patty LaBelle and Anthony Anderson will perform the Good Times theme song.
- Sakina Jaffrey and Damian Young are joining the cast of Snowpiercer on TNT.
- Lauren Ash, Karamo, and Kelly Rowland will be the judges of Miss America 2020 on NBC.
- Joseline Hernandez is joining Love & Hip-Hop: Miami on VH1.
Mark Your Calendars
- The Witcher debuts on Netflix on December 20.
- Curb Your Enthusiasm gets the fuck out on January 19.
- Surviving R. Kelly II: The Reckoning will premiere on Lifetime on January 2 and air for three consecutive nights.
- Scarlett Johansson will host Saturday Night Live this weekend.
- Ilana Glazer: The Planet is Burning will debut on Amazon on January 3.
- Live in Front of a Studio Audience: ‘All in the Family’ and ‘Good Times’ will air on ABC on December 18.
- Grace and Frankie will return on Netflix on January 15.
- The Circus will return on Showtime on January 26.
- Reclaimed will premiere on Discovery on January 9.
- Miz & Mrs. will return on USA on January 29.
Richard Easton, Tony-award-winning actor who appeared in many TV shows and movies
David Bellamy, Former BBC broadcaster and naturalist
Supernatural: Unexpected allies in the fall finale. 7 p.m., The CW
The Great American Baking Show: Emma Bunton is your new host. Season premiere. 8 p.m., ABC
Stockholm: Ethan Hawke stars in this film about the bank robber who inspired the term, “Stockholm Syndrome.” 8 p.m., Starz
Legacies: A Christmas monster uses holiday cheer to infiltrate the school in the fall finale. 8 p.m., The CW
Young Sheldon: Sheldon fakes being sick to avoid a swimming test. I feel ya, Sheldon. Fall finale. 7 p.m., CBS
The Unicorn: Wade has his first crush since becoming single again. Fall finale. 7:30 p.m., CBS
Mom: Something about a cat show. Fall finale. 8 p.m., CBS
Carol’s Second Act: Carol plans a Christmas celebration in the fall finale. 8:30 p.m., CBS
Evil: “7 Swans a Singin’.” That’s all I got. 9 p.m., CBS
Superstore: Jonah and Sandra go into contract negotiations with corporate in the fall finale. 8 p.m., NBC
Perfect Harmony: Obviously, this episode involves a Christmas performance. Fall finale. 8:30 p.m., NBC
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Ryan Reynolds, Niall Horan, Camila Cabello featuring DaBaby
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Keri Russell, Michelle Wolf, Coady Willis
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Rep. Adam Schiff
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Sam Rockwell, Henry Golding, guest host Jeff Goldblum
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Awkwafina, Paul Walter Hauser, Mark Ronson & Anderson .Paak
- The Daily Show: Solange Knowles
- Conan: John Lithgow
- Lights Out with David Spade: Mary Lynn Rajskub, Tim Dillon, King Bach
- Watch What Happens Live: The cast of “The Brady Bunch”
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Deepak Chopra
|ABC||Olaf’s Frozen Adventure||Toy Story That Time Forgot||The Great American Baking Show
|Carol’s Second Act
|FOX||Thursday Night Football
|NBC||Ellen’s Greatest Night of Giveaways