Hi kids, we’re back. It’s been a busy 24 hours in the impeachment corner after a long Thanksgiving break, so let’s get going.
SO. On Monday, the House Intelligence Committee released its report on the Ukrainian Affair to its members. Yesterday, they released the 300+ page report to the public (no, I have not read it) and then later in the afternoon voted to adopt the report. Of course, the Republicans on the Committee were NOT HAPPY with the report and issued their own report which amounted to 123 pages of “NUH-UH.”
The report was then turned over to the Judiciary Committee who will be the folks who will draft the Articles of Impeachment if there are any. (Spoiler: There will be.) That committee is holding a hearing with a panel of four law professors — three chosen by the Democrats: Harvard Law School professor Noah Feldman, Stanford University professor Pamela S. Karlan and University of North Carolina law professor Michael Gerhardt, and one by the Republicans: George Washington University professor Jonathan Turley — to discuss the constitutionality of impeachment, and whether or not President Dipshit did enough to be impeached. (Spoiler: He did.)
We can talk a bit more about the hearing — which I am currently watching live — but I think the biggest takeaway will be that the one woman on the panel, Pamela Karlan, was here to BURN IT ALL DOWN. I love her and want her to replace that rapey putz Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court.
KARLAN: "Imagine living in a part of Texas that's prone to devastating flooding. What would you think if your governor asked for a meeting w/POTUS to discuss getting disaster aid that Congress has provided for [and POTUS] said, 'I would like you to do us a favor?'" pic.twitter.com/JGcXFQHUBO
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) December 4, 2019
And as someone who lives in Texas, let me say, her argument checks out.
Professor Karlan is here to school people on the constitutional aspects of impeachment and drink some coffee.
And she is all out of coffee.
— Bradley P. Moss (@BradMossEsq) December 4, 2019
Pamela Karlin quickly emerging as the star of today's hearing on the constitutional basis for impeachment. Occupying the Maria Yovanovitch-Fiona Hill seat.
— Susan Glasser (@sbg1) December 4, 2019
Pamela Karlan is further confirming the idea that it's going to be the women who save this country.
— Matthew Miller (@matthewamiller) December 4, 2019
But going back to the report for a minute — again, haven’t read it — but one of the documents the report included were some phone records that AT&T provided the committee. And the records showed a number of VERY interesting items, including Rudy Giuliani calling the Office of Budget and Management at least a half dozen times — which is interesting because as a private citizen, Giuliani has no imaginable business with the department that controls the release of funds to foreign countries, like, oh I don’t know, Ukraine. When President Ding Dong was asked about this, he pulled another, “You’ll have to ask Rudy.”
The phone records also show that Rudy was also calling a BUNCH of other people, including Mike Pompeo; John R. Bolton; Representative Devin Nunes; midlevel White House officials; Sean Hannity; John Solomon, a conservative columnist who wrote a number of bullshit Ukrainian conspiracy theory articles; Lev Parnas; and the owner of a mysterious number, “-1.” It’s believed that -1 is President Individual One himself.
Which, you know, whatever: after all, Rudy is President Sundowner’s personal attorney; presumably, they talk on the phone. But what is interesting is that these phone calls take place around the same time that Ambassador Yovanovitch was being pulled from her position, suggesting that President I Don’t Know Her was in the thick of it.
Hey, hey, hey: guess where Rudy Giuliani is RIGHT NOW? If you guessed, “In Ukraine, meeting with all the shady dudes behind this scheme while also filming a documentary intended to debunk the impeachment argument,” you’re correct.
As for the other phone records, Representative Devin Nunes, who happens to be the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee — which is ostensibly investigating L’affaire Ukraine — had five phone calls with Rudy Giuliani and four with Lev Parnas shortly before Yovanovitch was removed from Ukraine.
But that’s not all! Because that dipshit Devin Nunes, this litigious motherfucker is suing CNN for $435 million for reporting that Lev Parnas said Nunes went to Vienna to meet with the former Ukrainian prosecutor Victor Shokin to dig up dirt on Joe Biden. OK, BUT WHAT WERE YOU TALKING TO PARNAS ABOUT ON THOSE PHONE CALLS, DEVIN?
In Other TV News
I am not going to get around to making a list of the worst shows of the year — mostly because I couldn’t make myself sit through most of these for more than five minutes — but if I did, a lot of these shows would be on it.
Bob Iger, Geraldine Laybourne, Seth MacFarlane, Jay Sandrich and Cicely Tyson are going to be sworn into the Television Academy’s Hall of Fame. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY ANYTHING BUT CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF THE INDUCTEES, EVEN SETH MACFARLANE BUT I’M SURE YOU CAN HEAR MY THOUGHTS.
“The boys take care of each other, and the women are not paid as much as the men. I was on the show before Howie [Mandel] … I was one of them that helped put the show where it was.”
“There was him [Simon Cowell], L.A. Reid, who’s an older man, and in between them was Demi Lovato and Britney Spears… The guys looked like two high rollers in Vegas who picked up a couple of kids,” Osbourne said. “I told L.A. Reid and I told Simon — it’s nothing I wouldn’t say to their face — ‘You look like two dirty old men’ … these are kids.”
“They brought Howie in. He got his own plane. I love Howie, and I don’t begrudge anyone earning what they earn… But, when my old ass has been there shooting the show, and I get an American Airlines ticket and he gets a private plane. And I get that because I’m me and I’m not in the club,” she said. “NBC can kiss my ass.”
Sex Monster News
- The Misery Index has been renewed for a second season at TBS.
- The Biggest Star in Appleton, starring Kristin Chenoweth, is in development at Disney+.
- Mr. Black, a comedy from the creators of The Grinder (a woefully underappreciated comedy), is in the works at Fox.
- Star Wars: Jedi Temple Challenge, a reality competition series hosted by Ahmed Best (the actor who was behind Jar Jar Binks), is being developed at Disney+.
- The Borne universe novels will be turned into a series at AMC.
- Comedy specials from Tracy Morgan, John Early, Rose Matafeo, and Ahir Shah are coming to HBO Max.
- Boys, a UK drama, is coming to HBO Max.
- A documentary about sexual assault in the music industry is being produced by Oprah for Apple TV+.
- A documentary about Mary J. Blige is in the works at Amazon.
- The Friends Speak has been ordered to series by Reelz.
- The Eighth Sister is being developed into a series.
- The Faithful Reader is being developed into a series.
- Maggie Carey has signed an overall deal with ABC Studios.
- Dax Shepard and Rob Corddry will host Top Gear America on Motortrend.
- JB Smoove and Hayley Magnus will star in Mapleworth Murders on Quibi. Tina Fey, Chris Parnell, Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen, Wanda Sykes, Terry Crews, Nicole Byer, Jimmy Carlson, Tim Meadows, Maya Rudolph, Patton Oswalt, Jack McBrayer, D’Arcy Carden, Pam Murphy, Ben Warheit, Annie Mumolo, Ike Barinholtz, Mary Holland, James Anderson, and Drew Tarver are all set to guest star.
- John Cena, Meredith Hagner, and Lil Rel Howery will star in the Hulu film, Vacation Friends.
- Adhir Kalyan will star in United States of Al on CBS.
- Hilarie Burton has joined the cast of Council of Dads on NBC.
- Blitz Bazawule, Aurora Guerrero and Deborah Kampmeier have been added to Cherish the Day on OWN.
- Adriana Paz, Kristyan Ferrer, Octavio Pisano, Cynthia Kaye McWilliams, and Julio Cedillo are joining Coyote on Paramount Network.
Mark Your Calendars
- Twenties will debut on BET in early 2020.
— BET (@BET) December 3, 2019
- High Maintenance will return on HBO on February 7.
- Soundtrack will premiere on Netflix on December 18.
- Locke & Key will debut on Netflix on February 7 and I CAN NOT WAIT for the trailer for this one.
- Spy Games will debut on Bravo on January 20.
- A Very Born This Way Chrismas will premiere on A&E on December 18.
- Air Disasters and Disasters at Sea will debut on Smithsonian Channel on January 5.
- Self Made Mansions; My Lottery Dream Home; HGTV Dream Home Special 2020; Property Brothers: Forever Home; 100 Day Dream Home; and HGTV House Party will all premiere on HGTV on January 1.
D.C. Fontana, Star Trek writer
Stumptown: Dex’s relationship with Grey is challenged. 9 p.m., ABC
87th Annual Christmas in Rockefeller Center: TURN ON THE TREE! 7 p.m., NBC
The Moodys: This three-part Christmas movie (?) miniseries (?) series (?) stars Denis Leary and Elizabeth Perkins. 8 p.m., Fox
Man vs. Bear: Three dudes compete with grizzly bears in speed, strength, and strategy. So, pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Series premiere. 8 p.m., Discovery
Vikings: The sixth season premiere follows a one-hour special, “The Saga of Floki.” Season premiere. 7 p.m., History
Impeachment Hearings: Once more now with the Judiciary Committee. 9 a.m., CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, CSPAN
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: John Lithgow, Alanis Morissette
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Eddie Redmayne, Pharrell Williams
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: John Travolta, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Sam Taylor-Johnson
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Tom Holland, Ana Gasteyer, Angel Olsen
- The Daily Show: Brittany Howard
- Conan: Kristin Chenoweth
- Lights Out with David Spade: Adam Ray, Andrea Savage, Brent Morin
- Watch What Happens Live: Ashley Tisdale, Jennifer Aydin
|FOX||The Masked Singer
|NBC||The 87th Annual Christmas in Rockefeller Center