Impeachment Corner is back leading the post today because HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS, the past 24 hours have been INSANE. I don’t even know where to begin, I just walk around laughing because what other response is there to this level of crazy?
Alright. So, last I left you, President Screwsloose was meeting with the president of Finland, and the two of them did that thing where they took a few questions while sitting down — you know the routine. In that setting, the Dissembler-in-Chief ranted for a full 17 minutes about all kinds of crap, but mostly how much he hates Adam Schiff and IS SO MAD AT HIM. And also, too, he said that Schiff “couldn’t carry Mike Pompeo’s jockstrap” but he was too timid to say “jock” so instead he kept calling it “blank strap.”
Minutes after tweeting "BULLSHIT," Trump avoids saying the word "jockstrap" because he doesn't want to offend anyone.
He then insisting his call with the Ukrainian president that's at the heart of an abuse of power scandal was "perfect." pic.twitter.com/Kq3Suqzz3F
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 2, 2019
This, minutes after tweeting “BULLSHIT” but sure, ok “jockstrap” is the offensive part of that statement. He also repeated that Schiff should be tried for treason and argued that he didn’t care about outing the whistleblower because in his mind they are a “spy.”
Also, this happened:
— Bob C (@Bobbybigboyuk) October 3, 2019
Alright, so, then President Gropey, he and the poor, poor president of Finland, they went and had their meeting. In the meantime, The New York Times reported that the whistleblower first took their complaint to the CIA, but then worried that it would be buried by the White House (which it would have been), so they went to a House Intelligence Committee aide who told them to lawyer up and go to the inspector general. The aide then told Adam Schiff this was happening — because as the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, he needed to know, and also that’s fine. Now, Schiff never learned the identity of the whistleblower and didn’t even know what was in the complaint, just that there was a complaint coming down the pike. But, these being terrible times, as soon as I saw this story, my response was:
Because I just knew the Illiterate-in-Chief and his lickspittles would attempt to spin this somehow that Adam Schiff did something wrong. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR: Adam Schiff did nothing wrong. He and his employees followed all proper procedures.
So then President DingDong, he comes out of his meeting with the president of Finland and they take more questions, this time standing at podiums. There, he was asked about Adam Schiff having learned of the report before it was officially filed and President Blank Strap, he claims Schiff WROTE the whistleblower report. Which 1. obviously that is not what the article reported and no he didn’t but 2. even if this is what happened, I need someone to explain to me how that somehow negates that everything in the whistleblower report has been confirmed by either the transcript of the phone call (which the White House released) or by the White House itself? THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPORT WAS ACCURATE ABOUT THE PHONE CALL.
And speaking of the transcript, President Can’t Read claims that it is “exact” and “word-for-word.” It is not, and it says as much explicitly. (Which leads to a bunch of questions about what has been left out of the transcript, by the way.)
Trump says the Ukraine call memo released by the White House is "exact" and "word for word" — even though it says on the very first page that it is not in fact a transcript pic.twitter.com/xQZGHlT7Gf
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 2, 2019
But then! Things become SUPER CRAZY when a Reuters reporter asked President Four Loko what he wanted the president of Ukraine to do to Joe Biden and his son. President Snowflake doesn’t answer the question, so reporter Jeff Mason repeated the question a few more times, and President Travis Bickle fucking loses it. Watch this amazing clip:
President Trump lashed out at @Reuters reporter @jeffmason1, who asked him what he wanted Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy to do when Trump brought up the business ties to Ukraine of Hunter Biden, son of Joe Biden https://t.co/3aiSLeOfBL pic.twitter.com/AQF3dpkChs
— Reuters Top News (@Reuters) October 2, 2019
Very stable genius.
Oh, and then after also talking about how he’s going to sue a bunch of people over this, and something about how Congress never served the Obama administration with subpoenas (which is categorically false), he abruptly ended the press conference by yelling at CNN.
Trump attacks CNN and then abruptly ends the news conference. What an embarrassment. pic.twitter.com/RWCORiiU4f
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 2, 2019
ALSO, remember how I mentioned that the inspector general of the State Department called for an urgent meeting with members of Congress about “documents” and I was worried that it was about destroying said documents? WELL, NOPE. Instead, he gave them a packet of documents that was given to the State Department supposedly from the White House, documents that outlined some crazy-ass conspiracy theories about Ukraine and democrats and Killary or whatever. Oh, and you’ll never guess who gave them to the State Department. HINT: It wasn’t the White House:
Then last night, The Washington Post broke the story that Vice President Mike “Mother” Pence has been dragged into the whole mess. Seems one of his top aides was on the call with the president of Ukraine, and he received a briefing on the call. BUT THEN! Also! A couple of months before the phone call, President Collusion had Pence cancel his plans to attend the president’s inauguration (they sent Rick “Governor Good Hair” Perry instead, and hey, guess what, Democrats also want to talk to him) (Also: all of this is in the whistleblower report). Pence eventually met with President Zelensky on September 1, where he told him Ukraine would not be receiving the millions in aid that Congress had voted to give them until they investigated “corruption.” Now, Pence’s aides are claiming that he didn’t know what was meant by “corruption” and that he was just saying “corruption” generally BUT COME ON.
And that brings us to this morning. Kurt Volker, the special envoy to Ukraine who was fired by Mike Pompeo, was deposed by the House Intelligence Committee and y’all, it’s early yet, but it sounds like he found a bus and he threw President Temper Tantrum directly under it. He shared text messages from another diplomat, messages that aren’t great for the argument that there was no quid pro quo:
BREAKING: Bill Taylor, top U.S. diplomat to Ukraine, wrote that he thought it’s “crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign” in newly disclosed text messages shared with lawmakers. https://t.co/8DNMFvlNPF via @KFaulders @cjf39
— Evan McMurry (@evanmcmurry) October 3, 2019
But the truth of the matter is, none of this actually matters because President Obvious Crimes, on the White House lawn in front of cameras he asked ANOTHER country to investigate his political rival — and not just that, he did so after threatening that same country thirty seconds earlier.
So you know how we’re in a trade war with China right now? Yeah:
Trump at 10:37:24 a.m., talking about trade negotiations: "I have a lot of options on China, but if they don't do what we want, we have tremendous power."
Trump at 10:37:54 a.m., asked about Ukraine probe: "Likewise, China should start an investigation into the Bidens."
— Ryan Struyk (@ryanstruyk) October 3, 2019
REPORTER: What exactly did you hope the Ukrainian president would do about the Bidens?
TRUMP: "I would think that if they were honest about it, they'd start a major investigation … they should investigate the Bidens … China likewise should start an investigation." pic.twitter.com/gLVBjmSs3q
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 3, 2019
Wow. Here's Trump making a veiled threat that China should start investigating the Bidens because "I'm sure President XI does not like being under that kind of scrutiny … they call that a payoff." pic.twitter.com/WhJN4gn1yW
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) October 3, 2019
Just so we’re all clear what is happening here: Trump is calling for two different countries to investigate his political rivals while he’s is in the middle of an impeachment investigation into whether or not he asked a foreign country to investigate his political rival.
It will only get crazier. Mark my words.
Actual TV News
We’ll start on a political bend just to make this a little more seamless: This is a long piece about how news anchors are planning on covering this next election and what they learned from 2016 if you’re interested.
Fox News is no longer going to be “America’s Election Headquarters” for the 2020 election, but instead “Democracy 2020.” OH, THE IRONY IS RICH. AND THICK. AND RICH.
Fox News has fired Todd Starnes from Starnes Country on Fox News Radio after he had right-wing pastor Robert Jeffress on his show and the two of them agreed that Democrats do not worship a Christian god, but instead “worship the demon god Moloch.” This is not an Onion headline but it very well could be. Fun fact! Jeffress is the same lunatic that our president quote tweeted when he claimed that if he is impeached, there will be a civil war. He seems nice.
Wait, is there going to be more Twin Peaks? Because it sure sounds like there might be more Twin Peaks. Of course, putting out cryptic messages about another installment of Twin Peaks while not actually making another installment of Twin Peaks would be the most Twin Peaks, right?
So, I get being mad that Latinos are not represented on Saturday Night Live — I’m a firm believer in “representation matters” — but being mad that Julian Castro wasn’t included in the Democratic debate sketch, when Amy Klobuchar and Michael Bennet and Steve Bullock and Tulsi Gabbard and all the other 457 candidates running for president weren’t included either, seems … silly. The writers chose candidates that were 1. frontrunners and 2. they could find something to make fun of. And while I like Julian Castro just fine, he’s not exactly newsworthy.
All that said, this is a good tweet:
Hi @nbcsnl, I’m available next time you need someone to play Julian Castro.
— Joaquin Castro (@Castro4Congress) October 2, 2019
A few bits of news about ghost shows, because I LOVE GHOST SHOWS:
- World’s Biggest Ghost Hunt: Pennhurst Asylum, a special that is going to air on A&E on October 30, is according to the network “the longest continuously filmed paranormal investigation in television history.” The special itself is only two hours long, but the investigators spent two weeks in the Pennhurst asylum investigating.
- Here’s an interview with Billy Tolley of Ghost Adventures talking about the upcoming “miniseries” Ghost Adventures: Serial Killer Spirits. First of all, it’s not a miniseries, guys, it’s just four episodes about four different serial killers. But second of all, I went to Zak Bagans’ (who is the host of Ghost Adventures) Haunted Museum in Las Vegas this past spring (STOP JUDGING ME) and I will say that the serial killer collection is extensive and upsetting and that there was something about the room and the area right outside of it, that made both my kid and I feel very woozy and uncomfortable.
- Speaking of Zak Bagans, he just bought Harold Ramis’ Ghostbusters costume and equipment and it’s going into the museum. (And if you’re into the horror/ghost thing, I do recommend the museum, if there’s any question.)
KEVIN IS COMING BACK TO SUPERNATURAL. Whoops, was that a spoiler? Sorry, but not really.
- Dear White People has been renewed for a fourth and final season by Netflix.
- Marrying Millions has been renewed for a second season at Lifetime.
- This is Not a Drill, a comedy, has been bought at ABC.
- Plastics, a plastic surgery drama, is in the works at ABC.
- Troubleshooter, a family soap, is being developed by Fox.
- Middle West, a crime drama from Michael B. Jordan and Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, has been ordered by Amazon.
- The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show has been ordered at Netflix.
- Obliterated has been ordered by TBS.
- Young Dylan is getting his own Nickelodeon series from producer Tyler Perry.
- House of Night is being developed into a TV series.
- A Whitey Bulger series is being developed.
- A drama about Jamal Khashoggi is being developed.
- Randall Park has launched his own production company and has a first-look deal with ABC.
- Nia Long, Omar Epps, and Stephen Bishop are going to star in Fatal Affair on Netflix.
- Ben Barnes, Jessie Mei Li, Amita Suman, Archie Renaux, Kit Young, Sujaya Dasgupta, Danielle Galligan, Daisy Head, and Simon Sears have been cast in Netflix’s Shadow and Bone.
- Gaby Hoffmann and Hadley Robinson are joining HBO’s Lakers series.
- Mekia Cox is joining The Rookie on ABC.
- Lyla Michaels has been cast in The CW’s crossover event.
Mark Your Calendars
- My imaginary girlfriend, Phoebe Waller-Bridge is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend:
- America’s Most Musical Family will debut on Nickelodeon on November 1.
- Dublin Murders will debut on Starz on October 14.
- The X Factor: Celebrity will debut on AXS on October 14.
- Family Time will return on Bounce on October 9.
- Forensic Files will return with new episodes on HLN in February.
Kim Shattuck, Leader of the band The Muffs
Bill Bidwill, Owner of the Arizona Cardinals
Evil: A soccer player comes back from the dead. If I knew anything about soccer, I’d make some clever joke here, but I don’t so just imagine one. 9 p.m., CBS
The First Texan: This 1956 film that I have definitely not seen, is about the father of Texas, and our city’s namesake, General Sam Houston. Sadly, I doubt it involves the time Sam gave a deserving Congressman a beatdown with his cane on Pennsylvania Avenue. 5:30 p.m., TCM
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd, Angel Olsen
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Billy Bob Thornton, Beth Ditto, Lauv featuring Anne-Marie, Roy Mayorga
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Carrie Underwood, Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Cobie Smulders, Kristin Chenoweth
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Magic Johnson, Robert Iger, Anderson .Paak featuring Smokey Robinson
- The Daily Show: Tyler “Ninja” Blevins
- Lights Out with David Spade: Deon Cole, Todd Glass
- Watch What Happens Live: Henry Winkler
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: America Ferrera
|A Million Little Things
|How to Get Away With Murder
|Carol’s Second Act
|CW||The iHeartRadio Music Festival
|FOX||Thursday Night Football
|The Good Place
|Law & Order: SVU