Bachelor in Paradise
September 3, 2018
Our dreaded three-hour-long Bachelor in Paradise begins where we left off last week: with Eric the Good Dancer heading out for a date with Former NBC Dancer (I mean, you guys, they have dancing in common — did you expect him to NOT go out with her? Come on.) while Batman sobs to whoever will listen that Eric the Good Dancer has betrayed their great romance (which seems to have only been obvious to her — it certainly wasn’t obvious to the producers or editors who shaped their story).
This sets off a weird contagious panic among the women that all of their relationships are doomed if this one guy in a half-hearted pairing would dare to go out on a date with someone new.
First of all, agreeing to go out on a date to escape the increasingly claustrophobic and ironically-named “Paradise” for a few hours is not the same thing as breaking up with the person you’ve been hanging out with the entire time, maybe everyone needs to not be so pitifully insecure, Batman. But second of all, if the survival of your relationship is entirely predicated upon your partner never ever learning that they have free will and could just leave if they were unhappy — if your relationship is so fragile that it falls apart when your partner finds out that another couple broke up — it was never going to work out.
Which, somewhat hilariously, is exactly what happens with Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. Indianapolis Colt awakens from whatever spell Sooey, Jr. cast upon him and realizes, “WAIT, I DON’T HAVE TO BE HERE. I CAN JUST … LEAVE. AND THEN IN SIX MONTHS, I CAN BECOME THE BACHELOR AND DATE 30 WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME AND NO ONE WILL YELL AT ME WHEN I DO.”
Indianapolis Colt takes Sooey, Jr. aside and explains that he only came to Paradise for her — WHICH, WAIT, STOP, IF THAT WAS THE CASE, WHY DID WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE DRAMA OF THOSE FIRST FEW EPISODES WHERE HE HAD TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT HE WOULD DATE HER OH MY GOD I HATE EVERYONE ON THIS STUPID SHOW — and he tried to like her, but it didn’t work out, so bye. Good luck and goodbye.
For her part, Sooey, Jr. doesn’t want to stay in this mosquito and sour mix-filled hell without him and declares that if he’s leaving, she’s leaving.
And then we spend fifteen minutes watching people cry and pack their suitcases.
ADIOS, PENDEJOS. IT WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT, PENDEJOS. AND YOU BETTER NOT SNEAK INTO ONE OF THOSE LIMOS IN JANUARY, MAMACITA, I’VE GOT MY OJOS ON YOU.
As for the date that destroyed Indianapolis Colt and Sooey Jr.’s relationship: Eric the Good Dancer and Former NBA Dancer eat popsicles, ride horses and are made rey y reina at some sort of horse festival. They also talk a LOT about how Eric the Good Dancer wants honesty and consistency in a relationship, which should be news to Batman.
Back in Paradise, everyone is reeling from the news that an entirely one-sided relationship has just imploded because some other guy went on a date, and E.T. flings herself on one of the beach beds for a long dramatic sob designed entirely to get Zoolander’s attention. It works. But, honestly, who cares what they talk about.
Because the best part of E.T. freaking out, and Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. leaving and honestly the entire episode is Venmo. While Zoolander is trying to give an interview about E.T.’s feelings, Venmo wanders into the shot looking for a hug from Zoolander before noting that he hasn’t seen Indianapolis Colt or Sooey, Jr. for a while.
Zoolander: Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Venmo: What? I was napping.
Zoolander: THEY LEFT. THEY WENT HOME.
Venmo: Wait, you can just do that?
God bless you, Venmo.
That evening, Eric the Good Dancer and Former NBA Dancer return from their date. After ignoring Batman for a while, Eric the Good Dancer finally gathers his strength and takes her aside to explain to her that his going out with someone else after assuring her just 12 hours earlier that he was “all in” for her is actually her fault. Somehow.
But to Batman’s credit, she’s all, “the fuck it was.” She then takes Former NBA Dancer aside to explain that while she is not trying to get between her and Eric the Good Dancer, Former NBA Dancer should know before she goes any further with him that just last night he was telling Batman that he wouldn’t date anyone else and that he was “all in” with her. Then, according to this asshole, his story is that he “woke up” this morning having changed his mind about Batman, but had only decided to inform Batman of this change of mind until after Former NBA Dancer had asked him out. And in conclusion, he’s a fucking liar.
Former NBA Dancer: “HMMMM…”
Then, Former NBA Dancer asks Eric the Good Dancer about what Batman just told her and the best he can do is, “Ummmm … no?” Cool story, bro.
The next morning, a new woman arrives in Paradise
— or I should say “new” because it’s Olya Povlatsky from Unlovable’s season, she who was tortured by Kewpie Doll in Paradise last season. It has been brought to my attention that I have the wrong Eastern European. This was actually Yakov Smirnov from Unlovable’s season. My apologies to all Russians. (Except Vladimir Putin. Fuck that guy.)
Her date card mysteriously reads: “
Olya Yakov Smirnov, Time for …”
Which is when Good Ol’ Scallop Fingers from This Asshole’s season rounds the corner with
a plate full of finger scallops …
… another date card that reads, “… Double Date.”
Scallop Fingers invites Venmo to join her, and he accepts, marking his 187th date this season.
Olya Yakov Smirnov, she quickly bonds with 60/40 over being eastern European, and after he assures her that he is merely in “the friendship zone” with Trauma Care, she invites him on the date. He happily accepts.
When 60/40 informs her that he will be going on the date with
Olya Yakov Smirnov, Trauma Care puts on a brave face and insists that this will be good for their relationship and that she wants him to experience everything Paradise has to offer.
However, the moment he leaves for the date, Trauma Care begins pacing up and down the beach, and giving tearful interviews about how she’s never felt as strongly for anyone as she does for 60/40 (except Zoolander and then Pretty Boy Pitbull) and that if he were to propose right now, she would accept BECAUSE SHE IS READY TO MARRY THIS MONOSYLLABIC DUM-DUM SHE MET FIVE DAYS AGO.
Meanwhile, 60/40 is having a swell time on a yacht and private beach with
Olya Yakov Smirnov, Venmo and Scallop Fingers, and is not thinking even for a moment about Trauma Care.
Back in Paradise, Chris Harrison arrives and announces that there is another date today, but that they are bringing in special guests to determine who will receive it. In walk Khaste Kardashian and Cousin Max who are now a couple — thanks, in large part, to Oh Canada. From what I understand, when Khaste went on Bachelor Winter Games, she and Oh Canda became a couple (while also somehow “winning” the show, I don’t know) and that’s when Cousin Max realized that he was actually in love with her and couldn’t let this third generation photocopy of James Marsden steal her. And maybe Khaste cheated with Cousin Max while she was still with Oh Canada? Anyway, Oh Canada is still a little sore aboot the whole thing.
After introducing them, Chris Harrison sends Khaste and Cousin Max down to the beach to wait to interview the Paradise dummies, but as soon as they are out of hearing range, Chris Harrison explains to the Paradise dummies that they aren’t going to be interviewed at all, they’re all here to watch as Cousin Max proposes to Khaste, which, like some sort of recurring nightmare Oh Canada has probably had, is happening RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE.
After the newly engaged couple takes their leave, presumably to crash some child’s quinciñera, Oh Canada pouts for a bit, complaining to Zoolander that it was hard because he was a “monumental” part of Khaste’s dating history.
But before we can learn whether or not Oh Canada made Ms. Kardashian a little less Khaste, a date card arrives for him as his reward for being tortured on camera. He and Seen the Breasts? head to a resort where they tell each other that they love one another and then, while Seen the Breasts? is busy yammering about how nice it is to be alone with Oh Canada, the producers flood their date with mariachis and dancers. Ah, alone at last.
Back in Paradise, 60/40,
Olya Yakov Smirnov, Venmo and Scallop Fingers return from their date, and 60/40 takes a terrified Trauma Care aside to inform her that the date was fun and beautiful but that he’s happy to be back with her. Trauma Care, beside herself, insists that they take this back to the bedroom IMMEDIATELY to seal this particular deal once and for all.
Elsewhere, when Venmo returns, Who? takes him aside to feed him … something. Chirashi? Melon? Raw bacon? I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. The point is, she makes herself known.
And then it’s morning! Except it’s already night again thanks to some fancy editing. Also, it’s Rose Ceremony time.
Four women are going home, putting the newbies, Batman and Grendel’s Mom in danger. As a result, we spend most of our time watching Former NBA Dancer try to ensure that Eric the Good Dancer will give her his rose, even though she deserves better than a lying liar who can’t come up with a better lie than “I don’t know, I woke up and decided that I didn’t want to exclusively date you anymore when this other hotter girl walked in and asked me out.” But whatever. Gotta hustle for that rose to stay in the game.
Scallop Fingers tries to teach Venmo how to dance, before being interrupted by Who? who brings him to a piñata she had set up for just him. And can we just pause to talk about how no matter what happens, no matter who gets “engaged” or “leaves Paradise together,” the real winner of this season is unquestionably Venmo who has managed to spend the last few weeks going on fancy dates with people he never actually becomes emotionally attached to, and when he’s not zip lining or yachting or partying with strangers, he’s napping?
He really is the smartest person to ever be on this show.
Olya Yakov Smirnov, knowing full well that after 60/40 returned from his date with her, he went straight to Trauma Care’s trauma bed, figures she has nothing to lose, and asks him to chat. There, she wonders what she did on their date to push him away, and he claims that she had her guard up and never opened up to him. She’s gorgeous, but he just wasn’t feeling it. Also, too, Trauma Care is SUPER needy and desperate and that’s so much easier to control and manipulate, so. Olya Yakov Smirnov is sad.
But then Chris Harrison calls them all into the palapa of doom to reveal a TWIST! Another man is arriving RIGHT NOW: New Zealand Jordan, from The Bachelor New Zealand and Bachelor Winter Games. SO SET UPON HIM LIKE FLIES ON RAW MEAT LADIES, HE IS YOURRRRRS.
The partnerless women each try to woo this fun-sized-and-less-cool Jason Stratham who keeps talking about how he’s not here to “fuck spiders” …
… even though I’m pretty sure no one is here to fuck spiders? BUT OK.
When Tiny Jason Stratham’s sexy talk of spider fucking fails to impress Grendel’s Mom, she decides, WHY NOT and makes a move for 60/40, because why the fuck not. He’s all, “I mean … I never really had the chance to get to know you and I would have liked to get to know you, but Trauma Care, so.”
However, Grendel’s Mom hears: “I am going to give you my rose, hold tight,” so she goes to try to preemptively warns Trauma Care that she’s about to be dumped.
BUT MEANWHILE, HILARIOUSLY, in the background of their conversation, Ol’ Scallop Fingers has taken 60/40 aside and is teaching him to floss because teaching awkward men to dance is her love language, apparently.
Finally, FINALLY, it is Rose Ceremony time:
Oh Canada: Seen the Breasts?
Mr. Entitled: Krystal with a K
Grocery Joe: Taxiderpy
Eric the Good Dancer: Former NBA Dancer
Olya Povlatsky Yakov Smirnov
Before we move on from Tiny Statham, a story. When I went searching my archives for a photo of this guy, I only found one from Bachelor Winter Games — which was six months ago — where he had a full head of hair. I then headed to Google Images to see if I could figure out when he decided to go the full Statham, but found NO PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE THAT THIS MAN IS BALD. Y’all, I literally began questioning my sanity and had to go back and watch the last few minutes of this episode again to assure myself that he is, in fact, bald and that my comparing him unfavorably to Jason Statham will make sense to someone besides me.
All the gaslighting on this show is starting to get to me, you guys.
60/40: Trauma Care
This means Batman, Grendel’s Mom, and Scallop Fingers are all headed home. Honestly, it’s kind of amazing Grendel’s Mom lasted as long as she did without having made any sort of connection. Kudos, momma. As for Batman, she can return to … wherever she’s from, and I can return to not knowing who she is. But I am disappointed that Scallop Fingers is leaving so soon, with so many scallops adventures left unexplored.
And finally, we are done. See you next we… WAIT, THERE ARE TWO MORE HOURS THIS WEEK?
The women in Paradise:
The men in Paradise:
The pendejos who have been eliminated:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.