Bachelor in Paradise
August 14, 2018
We begin the episode right where we left off: Indianapolis Colt finally having been broken by this God forsaken show, and Becca hunting him down like a predator. Becca finally finds him and lures him out of his safe space to come talk to her about what he’s doing here, why she dumped him, and whether or not he should stay.
NO! GO HOME, INDIANAPOLIS COLT! THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A PERSON WITH ACTUAL FEELINGS!
Indianapolis Colt explains that he didn’t realize how much he had buried his feelings until he saw her walk into Paradise and that they really didn’t talk that night she dumped his ass, so what the hell happened? Was it Sooey, Jr.? It was Sooey, Jr., wasn’t it?
lies tells him that her feelings for him just hadn’t progressed as far as they had for the other two men and that Sooey, Jr. had nothing to do with her sending him home. And then she begins to preach The Bachelor gospel, reminding him that she had the Most Humiliating Breakup in the history of the show, and after she agreed to be the Bachelorette, she doubted she could actually go through with it. But look at her now! Hallelujah and amen and right reasons!
Becca also assures him that it’s fine to cry, he doesn’t have to be “perfect” and that through this experience he will grow and come out the other side of all of this a better person.
OK, but will he? I’ve seen a lot of men come out of Paradise having not just experienced zero personal growth, but actually negative growth …
So maybe let’s calm down about how beneficial this entire “process” is.
But that’s it. That’s all it takes for Indianapolis Colt — who was SO DESPERATELY IN LOVE with Becca that upon seeing a glimpse of her he dissolved into a weeping pile of muscles — to be like, “I’m all good now! OK BYE FOREVER BECCA, HELLO LADIES!”
Mr. Entitled upon hearing that Indianapolis Colt is not, in fact, going home:
In non-Indianapolis Colt/Sooey, Jr. news, Trauma Care is busily yammering about how much she likes Zoolander, how she smiles when she says his name, what a wonderful husband he would be … AND GIRL, NO. YOU HAVE BEEN ON ONE “DATE” WITH HIM, LET’S NOT BE PICKING OUT BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES YET.
But aside from all that, do you not know what show you’re on? The moment you start talking about how into someone you are, the Producers grab their master list of the Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects the cast said they want to meet on the show, they find the top match for the person you are talking about being in love with and then they dump that very person into Paradise for shits and giggles.
Which is exactly what happens. Into Paradise comes Foot Fetish, who we didn’t really get to know very well on Needledick’s season of The Bachelor, but who describes herself as an alien when she greets Chris Harrison And that is why we are going to start calling her E.T.
E.T., we learn, is looking for someone funny who will get her jokes and have “deep intellectual” conversations with her.
So, obviously, Zoolander.
And in fact, when she walks into Paradise, Zoolander’s eyeballs all but fall out of his head. E.T. invites him to go chat with her and there, the two giggle over absolutely nothing, E.T. reveals it’s her birthday (are aliens born or do they hatch?) and Zoolander pays her the ultimate compliment: she’s the female version of himself.
In front of everyone, E.T. asks him to join her on her date, and he doesn’t even look back at Trauma Care. It’s not like Trauma Care isn’t there — it’s like someone sent a Terminator back in time to kill her parents before she was born and she never even existed.
Meanwhile, Trauma Care:
The two beautiful dummies take a horseback ride to a private beach where they splash in the water, have their bits black-boxed out, and, at one point Zoolander refers to himself — bafflingly so — as the Young Hasselhoff.
It’s pretty much “the coolest date ever,” according to our pink-haired alien friend.
Back in Paradise, however, Trauma Care burbles to anyone who will listen about how well Zoolander is treating her, that he’s deeper and more serious than she initially thought, and that they will be together at the end of this whole thing with him putting a ring on her finger.
Zoolander and E.T. return to Paradise, the black box just permanently affixed to her ass since her bikini has apparently just given up, and Trauma Care looks like she is going to vomit, the poor dear.
Soon after returning, Zoolander takes Trauma Care aside to tell her that he had an amazing date with E.T. and that he’s built a connection with her, so he’s going to give his rose to her and it would be really convenient if Trauma Care could fuck right off. But it’s not all bad news! After all, this is a crazy place, so if something were to happen or change, he’ll keep Trauma Care in mind.
Zoolander then returns to E.T. to tell her that he had a “healthy, good” talk with Trauma Care and that everything was resolved.
Trauma Care for the rest of the evening:
Later that night, while Zoolander is having drinks with the others, Chicken Head sneaks over to the daybed where E.T. is napping to deliver her a … I want to say waffle? … covered in lit candles to celebrate her birthday. Chicken Head proceeds to flirt and — oh, dude, no — take off his shirt, and just when things can’t possibly become more awkward, Zoolander comes stomping over to the daybed to stare furiously out at the ocean and snort. E.T. offers Zoolander a bite of the “cake” but he declines because too much sugar, obviously. So Chicken Head twists the knife and asks E.T to feed him one last bite, and she complies. With that, Chicken Head heads to bed, thoroughly pleased with himself.
After wondering what Chicken Head’s problem is with him — is he mad that Zoolander “matched with his mom on Tinder?” (I mean, yes, probably, that is a very real possibility if she was one of his “4,000” matches) — Zoolander hurls the birthday waffle into the sand. Zoolander then goes on a bizarre rant about how Chicken Head is the opposite of Mr. Rogers because he doesn’t want to be Chicken Head’s neighbor. In fact, Zoolander, according to Zoolander’s “logic,” is Mr. Rogers because Mr. Rogers “brought back TV for children.”
New day, new arrival in Paradise: Realtor from Needledick’s season, so named because I literally know nothing else about her. Nothing. Not one thing.
She, like all the new arrivals, comes bearing a date card, and she invites Grocery Joe to go chat. However, upon sitting down with him, Realtor announces that she needs to go to the bathroom — which is for sure the sexiest way to introduce yourself to someone — leaves and if the editing is to be believed, never comes back.
Meanwhile, Zoolander announces that even if Realtor asked him on her date, he wouldn’t go because she “has stepmom vibes,” like she’d make you pizza in a kimono. And honestly, I wish they would just give us a season made entirely out of Zoolander footage because when he’s not saying weird shit about being Mr. Rogers, he’s saying stuff like this.
It’s also we are officially changing Realtor’s nickname to Stepmom.
So, completely forgetting about Grocery Joe, Stepmom takes Venmo aside for a chat and ends up inviting Nerdy on her date. He agrees, and they go into town for dinner. There, he tries to talk about himself and his approach to dating and how analytical he is and beep boop beep beep boop, while Stepmom spends the date naming all of the stray animals that wander up to them. It’s quite the romance.
The next morning, yet another woman arrives: G.I. Jane from Unlovable’s season. She comes marching into Paradise talking about how much she loves “smart nerdy men” and makes a beeline for the only one of those in Paradise: Venmo. They chat a bit about how she worked in military communications during her time in the army before she asks him to go on her date with him, and he happily agrees much to Stepmom’s chagrin because they really bonded over naming that one stray cat “Sheila” 10 hours ago.
Meanwhile, the other men wonder what Venmo is packing in his pants to earn two dates in a day, and methinks it’s his wallet.
The pair goes ziplining, which gets a hearty “OH FUCK NO” from your trusty blogger, but they seem to enjoy it. After, they chat for a while about their jobs, and he lets slip that he programmed the app for Venmo while also sheepishly explaining in an interview that he doesn’t like talking about how much money he makes.
And, listen, I like Venmo, he’s obviously the smartest guy on this very stupid show and I am rooting for him, but BITCH, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? You are on a competitive dating competition with a bunch of very pretty dummies. None of these attractive women are going to be bringing much to the table in the IQ department for any future children you might have with them. You are not on this show to make an intellectual connection, you are here for the pretty ladies. And the very fact that you are on this show suggests that you are just as shallow as anyone who might be interested in you for how much money you make, don’t kid yourself, big guy.
Back at Paradise, Pretty Boy tries to romance Krystal with a K with a little nighttime beach picnic, but she’s all, “THANKS BUT NO.”
PRETTY BOY, I TOLD YOU YOU WERE TOO GOOD FOR HER. I TOLD YOU SHE IS THE GODDAMNED WORST. BUT DID YOU LISTEN? DID YOU?
She is the Goddamned worst, and to cement that well-earned title, after crushing Pretty Boy’s heart, Krystal with a K goes and finds Mr. Entitled and shoves her tongue down his throat, while he is all, “MMM, DELICIOUS TONGUE.” Oh, and did I mention the part where his line with her is that he’s “never kissed a blond” before? Dude, what the fuck are you even talking about? Are women like Pokémon that you collect?
BUT ALSO, WEREN’T YOU THE GUY LECTURING INDIANAPOLIS COLT ABOUT NOT LEAVING SOOEY, JR. IN HIS “BACK POCKET” TO EXPLORE HIS OPTIONS TWO MINUTES AGO?
And in conclusion, Krystal with a K and Mr. Entitled are both gross and they were the worst parts of both of their respective seasons and they deserve each other and I hope to Christ this is the one couple that makes it out of Paradise together to save the rest of the world from ever having to date them.
Meanwhile, Pretty Boy, talking about this entire fucked up situation with Eric the Good Dancer, compares this dumb game to lab mice: some mice figure out quickly that the cheese has been moved and go to where the cheese currently is. Other mice continue to go to where the cheese once was and wait for it to come back. And the lesson here is that everyone in Paradise has the intelligence of a mouse.
The next morning, Mr. Entitled tells Zoolander about hooking up with Krystal with a K, and Zoolander, the douchiest wingman of all douches, encourages Mr. Entitled to shoot for making out with four women on one day: Trauma Care could be the “appetizer,” Krystal with a K the “main course,” Manguita for “dessert” and then Sooey Jr. for a late night “buffet.”
First of all, gross. Just gross all the way around this gross nugget. But second of all, comparing women to food, to describe them as meals to be consumed and disposed of is so textbook sexist that I expect entire dissertations to be written about this single conversation.
Zoolander then goes on to make “goose” calls which bear absolutely no relation to any sound a goose actually makes.
Meanwhile, Oh Canada tells Indianapolis Colt about Krystal with a K and Mr. Entitled.
Indianapolis Colt, so eager to tell Sooey, Jr. this news about her new boyfriend, the guy to whom she offered a rose instead of him because he wouldn’t commit to marrying her then and there, he is so eager to tattle on Mr. Entitled that he might have actually bent the time-space continuum getting to her.
As he tells her what he knows, Indianapolic Colt explains that he just doesn’t want to see Sooey, Jr. get hurt, but also, too because HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa! HEY, REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD HIM YOU COULDN’T GIVE HIM YOUR ROSE BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE SOMEONE’S SECOND CHOICE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ~deep breath~ AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa Oh God, too funny …
And the episode ends with Sooey, Jr. marching over to Mr. Entitled to inform him that THEY NEED TO TALK.
R.I.P. Mr. Entitled. I’d say it was nice knowing you but it was not. It was absolutely the worst.
The women in Paradise:
The men in Paradise:
The pendejos who have been eliminated:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC.