The Bachelor
January 29, 2018
Arie Bobby welcomes us to our next stop on his “journey:” Fort Lauderdale, which he describes as a “beautiful place to fall in love.”
OK, but is it? Because the first thing I think of when I hear “Fort Lauderdale” is Pauly Shore, Hawaiian Tropic models and some random VJs getting drunk on nickel vodka drinks with thousands of “college” kids in neon pink bathing suits and visors, cheering on performances by Starship. Not exactly “romance” material. But Arie Bobby insists that Fort Lauderdale is “sexy and cool” because there are yachts. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
We also learn that we are halfway done with the season, so now is a good time to check your box wine supply and make adjustments where needed.
Arie Bobby arrives at the hotel to pick up his first date, Grendel’s Mother, whom he takes on the season’s first yacht date. Grendel’s Mother exclaims that she’s, “on a dreamboat with a dreamboat!”
The two also jet ski — and make out on a jet ski — while the producers herd the other women out onto the hotel balcony with a telescope and force them to watch. Which is fun and healthy. I mean, why not just lock all of the women who aren’t on a one-on-one date in a room and Clockwork Orange them with live footage of the date as it is happening? If you’re looking to make the women lose their damn minds, go ahead and lean into it.
Oh and Cousin Sarah returns to the competition having buried Grandpa Sarah. Mr. T, who has not been watching this season, upon her arrival at the hotel: “Wait, what’s going on here? Why is she coming back? Did she win ‘Last Chance Hot Tub’ or something?” (Top Chef joke, high five. This did give the husband and I pause, however, to consider what “Last Chance Hot Tub” would consist of. And then we simultaneously shivered in disgust.)
That evening, Arie Bobby and Grendel’s Mother have dinner in a car museum because God forbid we stop being reminded that he used to be a race car driver, even though if they were to have dates based on his actual career, they’d be having dinner in open houses and taking tours of mortgage brokers’ offices.
Over dinner, Grendel’s Mother tells her story: she was young, an older man swept her off of her feet, gave her a comfortable life and a baby and then left her 6 months later, only to marry some other chick with whom he had a son. He seems nice. She then mumbles a bunch of bullshit about how the experience made her realize what is really important, and that she would have been just as happy sitting in a park with Arie Bobby as she was on that yacht.
Arie Bobby, a dumb idiot, falls for this completely cliched nonsense and offers her the rose before taking her to another room in the car museum where tonight’s band you never heard of puts on a private concert for them.
Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Cousin Sarah, Ring Bearer, Krystal with a K, Pixie Manic Dream Girl, Too Good for Arie, Taxiderpy, Flag Girl, Foot Fetish, Miss Masala, The Challenger, Virginia Lauren: There’s not a moment to spare.”
This means two things: 1. Sooey, Jr. has the final one-on-one date, sending the other women into a jealous tailspin and 2. the group date is going bowling. I suppose the producers had to balance out the cost of renting the yacht somehow.
At the bowling alley, Krystal with a K, who is already pissed about not having another one-on-one, watches the other women flirt shamelessly with Arie Bobby and sneers that she won’t be fighting for Arie’s attention, and in fact, he needs to “step up” and “give [her] validation.”
Arie Bobby then splits the women into two teams who will bowl against one another. The winner goes to the cocktail party with Arie Bobby, the loser goes back to the hotel to play with the telescope.
Krystal with a K literally prays over her team that they, “stay strong and win in the end.” HEY, GIRL, I THINK GOD’S GOT HIS HANDS FULL RIGHT NOW, AND IF HE’S TOO BUSY TO ADDRESS MY PLEAS REGARDING THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, HE DAMN WELL BETTER NOT TAKE YOUR CALL ABOUT A BOWLING MATCH.
Bowl bowl bowl, and the pink team (Pixie Manic Dream Girl, Flag Girl, Taxiderpy, Virginia Lauren, Too Good and Miss Masala) lose — badly — to the blue team (Krystal with a K, Ring Bearer, Foot Fetish and Cousin Sarah). So I suppose God doesn’t have anything better to do than field indoor-sports related prayers from reality show contestants with inflated self-regard.
However, Arie Bobby decides that he wants both teams to join him at the cocktail party after all, and announces that the results of the match are to be thrown out. Krystal with a K loses her damn mind. Which is how I know God has a sense of humor.
Back at the hotel, everyone gets dolled up for the cocktail party except for Krystal with a K, who puts on a protest robe. According to the other women, on the bus back to the hotel, Krystal with a K went on a rant, calling Arie Bobby a liar, and declaring that she simply will never be able to trust him ever again.
Krystal with a K comes flouncing out into the main room in her protest robe and announces that she will not be going to the cocktail party that evening. The other women wonder why, if she is so angry about not spending time with him that she would choose to not spend time with him, and she explains that she is very hurt that he didn’t consult her first on his decision to change the rules. The other women wonder if she’s giving up, or if she’s just trying to send Arie Bobby a message, and Krystal with a K assures them that she has her suitcase packed and is ready to go. But she feels disrespected and she is too upset to attend the date. And the other women are all, “OK GREAT BYE!”
In the hotel bar, Arie Bobby joins the women and literally opens with, “We’re all here!” to which Pixie Manic Dream Girl is like, “Yeah, about that, so Krystal with a K is having a tantrum upstairs and calling you a liar and sitting in her protest robe.” Arie Bobby sighs, and is all, “Well, I guess I have to go deal with this bullshit, ladies. I’ll be right back,” before heading upstairs to deal with this bullshit. Meanwhile, the ladies are all, “Wait, this is exactly what she wanted, she’s up there alone with him after all. We all just got played like dumb dummies.”
Upstairs, Krystal explains to Arie Bobby that she felt disrespected by his choice to include the other team. Arie Bobby is like, “Yeah, I get that, but if you’d just trusted me a little bit, you would have seen that I am adding extra time to the date so that no one would lose time visiting with me. But you didn’t, so why don’t you just stay up here for the rest of the night by yourself and think about what you’ve done.” And with that, Arie Bobby goes back to the cocktail party, leaving Krystal with a K to pout in her protest robe.
Downstairs, Arie Bobby visits with Taxiderpy who says some stuff about not having ever been in a long-term relationship. BORING. TALK ABOUT DEAD ANIMALS MORE, PLS. He then shoves his tongue down her throat.
Arie Bobby worries some more about Pixie Manic Dream Girl not being old enough to date before shoving his tongue down her throat.
Arie Bobby then takes Ring Bearer to his room to get to know her better shove his tongue down her throat.
Arie Bobby also talks to Virginia Lauren (whose on-screen bio says she’s from Dallas, but I swear her on-line bio says she’s from Virginia) who instigates a game of “21 Questions” which they play for about 5 questions before Arie Bobby shoves his tongue down her throat.
Upstairs, meanwhile, someone has had a change of heart, shed her protest robe and put on a dress and makeup and decided to join the group after all. In fact, Krystal with a K joins the women in the middle of Pixie’s SPOT-ON imitation of her saying a prayer, leaving Mr. T and I to wonder if this is the first time we’ve ever seen someone use a fake prayer to mock someone else on a reality show, and I am pretty sure it is!
Krystal with a K sits with the women and explains that she was really hurt by Arie Bobby’s decision to change the rules, but she felt it was important to come downstairs and challenge herself. But Pixie is NOT HAVING IT and points out that Krystal with a K just changed her mind, so is she a liar? After all, when Arie Bobby changed his mind, she labeled him a liar, and she just changed her mind … so?
“I DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH LOGIC,” Krystal with a K thinks to herself as she gets up and returns upstairs.
Arie Bobby then gives the date rose to Virginia Lauren because she was the one whose throat had most recently hosted his tongue, the end.
The next day, Arie Bobby takes Sooey Jr. on an airboat ride through the Everglades because she’s from Arkansas. Literally. That’s the justification. He takes other women on dates that involve yachts, and fancy clothes and the wine country, but for the Southern girl, he drags her to a swamp. And while she’s good-natured about the whole thing, and happily eats the frog legs, and patiently explains what a gig is, she also reminds him that SHE LIVES IN A CITY and SHE HAS A DOCTORATE, SO, YOU KNOW, MAYBE COOL IT WITH ALL THE SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL CRAP.
That night, Dr. Sooey Jr. wears her fanciest ice skating outfit …
to have dinner with Arie Bobby in someone’s haunted storage shed. There, she talks about wanting to get the hell out of Arkansas, how life is unexpected, a little about her faith and learns that Arie Bobby maybe doesn’t believe in a “higher power” but says she is willing to overlook this small hiccup if she can win this thing. Because if we’ve learned anything in the past couple of years, it’s that some Christians are willing to look past a lot if it means they’ll win in the end.
Also, she tells him she thinks she’s falling in love with him, so he gives her the date rose.
Annnnnnd … the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Apparently, after being chased away from the group date cocktail party, Krystal with a K returned to her protest robe and refused to leave her room for two days. However, she wasn’t hiding in her room, she explains, she was “investing in [her]self.”
Dear Bachelor Producers:
Please make Krystal with a K the next Bachelorette.
Please, I’m begging you,
Therese
Krystal with a K then sees the bright side of her little temper tantrum, which is that by caving to her demand for attention, Arie Bobby demonstrated to her that he is invested in their relationship. Which is exactly why you don’t negotiate with terrorists, because it teaches them all the wrong things.
Arie Bobby arrives, and Taxiderpy takes him aside to play her own version of “21 Questions,” but this game involves questions about cannibalism and Arie’s willigness to engage in it. That’s more like it, Taxiderpy. That’s the weird stuff.
Meanwhile, the rest of the women are only interested in talking about WHAT an ASSHOLE Krystal with a K is, and seeing that she’s losing control of this situation, to avoid having them go to Arie Bobby and talk shit about her, Krystal with a K invites the women to talk with her one-on-one.
Taxiderpy is the first to take Krystal with a K up on her offer, and she, very politely, suggests that while it’s understandable that Krystal with a K was “hurt,” she might not be right for Arie Bobby if she harbors such negative feelings towards him for simply changing his mind. Krystal with a K is like, “OK, but I was hurt.”
Then Sooey Jr. joins them and says, “I mean the thing is, you don’t really seem sorry for your behavior.” To which Krystal with a K is all, “Yeah, because I was hurt.”
So then Pixie Manic Dream Girl, my little warrior princess, she tries to talk to Krystal with a K, and this badass right here is all, “I just have one question: Why are you still here?”
Krystal with a K:
Pixie Manic Dream Girl: “Why are you here?”
Krystal with a K:
Pixie Manic Dream Girl tries one more time, pointing out that Krystal with a K called Arie Bobby a liar and had her bags packed, so WHY IS SHE STILL HERE? “Because I was really hurt,” comes the completely predictable answer. Pixie tries to point out that Krystal with a K is making everything about her feelings, and justifying her bad behavior by placing her emotions above everyone else’s.
Krystal with a K’s response is to rehash what happened at the bowling date, and say that she was “really hurt.”
Pixie:
In an interview, Krystal with a K explains that she TRIED to be compassionate, but the other women JUST WANT TO ATTACK HER. The other women just aren’t operating on her level, and she’s tired of “lowering [herself] to theirs.”
And then there was this:
Dear Bachelor Producers:
Next Bachelorette. I. AM. BEGGING. YOU.
I promise it will be the best season ever.
Yours in box wine,
T
In their conversation, Arie Bobby scolds Krystal with a K for her behavior, saying that it set their relationship back a few steps and she needs to be more thoughtful about her reactions. To this, AND I SWEAR THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENED, Krystal with a K claims that she “grew up in a bowling alley” and therefore was triggered when he changed his mind about the bowling match.
DEAR BACHELOR PRODUCERS:
ARE YOU SEEING THIS SHIT?
SIGN HER TO A BACHELORETTE CONTRACT IMMEDIATELY,
DEAD THERESE
After their conversation, Krystal with a K explains that she showed him who she is: “fun, passionate, sad, emotional … excited, futuristic.”
FUTURISTIC.
Dear Bachelor Producers,
Look. I know what you’re thinking, “She’s gonna be great on Bachelor in Paradise! The perfect villain! She might even redeem herself, but even if she doesn’t, that baby voice will kill everyone! It will kill them all dead and that will be great TV!”
No.
Bachelorette.
I will settle for nothing less.
You know I’m right,
Therese
Rose Ceremony time!
Rose #1: Pixie Manic Dream Girl
Rose #2: Too Good for Arie
Rose #3: Taxiderpy
Rose #4: Ring Bearer
Rose #5: The Challenger
Rose #6: Foot Fetish
Rose #7: Krystal with a K
Because someone worked that Kaa shit.
This means, goodbye Cousin Sarah, Flag Girl and Miss Masala. Although, to be honest, I knew y’all wouldn’t make it the long haul because you never graduated to better nicknames.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.
HAHAHAHAHA!! Your’e the best, Therese.
How long are the bachelor(ette)s contractually required to keep the villain on board? Because clearly that is a thing.
It’s a good question, and I wish I had statistics I could reference. Now that I think about it, they often keep the villain around until right before the hometowns, so they usually make it to the top five or six. Looking at the calendar, hometowns will probably take place on the 19th, so Krystal with a K might be around for two more episodes.
However, that said, last season’s villain, Corinne, made it to the hometowns, and the villain has won before — Courtney on Ben Flajnik’s season — so there’s a chance Krystal could make it all the way.
And I am not even kidding about her being the Bachelorette — I think it would be great fun to have a completely awful person be the Bachelor/ette, but it will never happen. But if it WERE to happen, she’d need to make it all the way to the Fantasy Suites. They often (but as this season shows, not always) choose the next Bachelor/Bachelorette from the top three of the previous season.
-T
I’ve never watched a second of the Bachelor family of programming, but read your recaps every week because, frankly, it’s some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever read. Although between your descriptions of “Krystal with a K” this year and “Platinum Vagine” from last year, I almost want to take up the show.
I was really hoping no one at the after bowling party would even mention that Krystal wasn’t there. I wanted to see if he’d even notice. They are all dummies for bringing it up.