The Real Housewives of New Jersey
October 18, 2017
We’re back in New Jersey where Siggy is whining at Mr. Siggy that Margaret was SO MEAN to her in Florida; Dolores is arguing with Frank the Ex about how mean he is to Frankie Jr.; and Teresa and Folletto are moving Nonno Gorga’s heavy-ass furniture into Teresa’s house by themselves, despite the fact that Folletto supposedly employs entire work crews who could do this in five minutes. But whatever, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT, MELISSA.
As for this Margaret woman, she is planning to host a launch party for her new line of cosmetics bags in her home’s “ballroom.” The only problem is that the “ballroom” is just one giant floorless, sheetrock-less space in the process of being remodeled single-handedly by her husband Joe the Contractor, or, as we’ll have to call him to keep all the damn Joes on this show straight, “Joe.”
HEY, NEW JERSEY, THERE IS A WHOLE WORLD OF MALE NAMES OUT THERE. MEN’S NAMES DO NOT BEGIN AND END WITH “JOSEPH,” I SWEAR ON THE MADONNA.
As I was saying, the “ballroom” is a disaster — I went into houses destroyed by Hurricane Harvey that were in better shape than this — and it is certainly in no kind of state to be hosting 150 people for a “cosmetics bag launch party.” Can’t she just rent out the Brownstone or something?
Later, Margaret visits Envy for the first time, where she chats a little business with Melissa until Danielle can arrive. Margaret invites them both to her cosmetics bags launch party and informs them that she was going to invite all the women, but that when she tried to message Siggy, she discovered she had been blocked by her on social media.
The women encourage Margaret to call Siggy and invite her, but when she does, Siggy declines because “too much stuff happened in Boca.” And by “too much stuff happened,” Siggy means Margaret called her “Soggy” that one time.
Undeterred, Margaret texts Dolores an invitation, but does not remain optimistic that it will be accepted for obvious reasons. (The reasons being that Dolores is so firmly lodged up Siggy’s culo that she wouldn’t be able to wrench her way free in time for the party.)
As for Dolores, she and Frank the Ex take Frankie Jr. out to a steak dinner to talk about college and girlfriends and to try to figure out what their storyline is going to be this season. And I’m afraid this is going to be their storyline this season.
As for Melissa and Folletto, he’s still in deep mourning for his madre, and to cope, he — without consulting his wife first — buys a restaurant, and surprises Melissa with it on camera.
And if in fact, this is how it happened and was not actually staged for the cameras, Melissa shows remarkable calm and restraint in not murdering her tiny husband right there and then with her bare hands. Instead, she gapes incredulously for a while, before calmly explaining that she feels blindsided. She does not scream at him that what he has done is INSULTING and shows A DEEP LACK OF RESPECT FOR THE SUPPOSED PARTNERSHIP OF THEIR MARRIAGE and that he’s going to SELL THIS DUMB PIZZA JOINT TOMORROW BECAUSE HE DIDN’T BOTHER TO ASK WHETHER OR NOT SHE WAS EVEN INTERESTED IN SLINGING PLATES OF ALFREDO AND MOPPING FLOORS.
Over in Teresa’s world, she meets with her publishing company to discuss her newest book, Standing Strong, and how she wants to do a tree — or Tre — pose on the cover. “Uh-huh, that’s great. So, listen, we’re going to need you to get like super personal in this book and spill all your deepest fears, feelings and insecurities, OK?” says her editor.
But it is NOT OK: being honest about her life not being all marble and onyx floors perfect is Teresa Giudice’s deepest and most profound, soul-quaking fear and I’m pretty sure Teresa thinks about vomiting right there in the conference room.
Teresa also meets Siggy for a glass of wine where they quickly resolve whatever differences they might have had from Boca: Siggy was drunk when she called Teresa and Melissa animals; Teresa shouldn’t have thrown the cake, she just got carried away in the moment. And with that, these two are tutto bene. Somehow.
But Siggy is NOT TUTTO BENE with Margaret, and proceeds to rant at Teresa about wanting to pull Margaret’s dumb pigtails out and HOW DARE SHE call her “Soggy” and she HATES this fucking bitch and on and on and on for so long that the producers just went ahead and montaged the rant, because enough, Siggy, we get it, you’re irrationally mad at Margaret.
So, Margaret’s party: she scatters confetti on the floor to try to disguise there isn’t a floor and wheels in a giant stuffed bear and popcorn machines to cover up the holes in the sheetrock and invites 150 of her closest friends and ex-husbands to celebrate cosmetic bags. There’s some minor crisis with her ovens in that they don’t work and can’t warm up her Costco mini-quiches which eats up way too much of our time.
Finally, Teresa, Melissa, and Danielle arrive, and Margaret takes the women into her Interior Illusions Lounge to discuss The Siggy Problem.
Teresa immediately tattles to Margaret everything that Siggy said about how much she hated her, so Margaret decides to text Siggy, writing that they need to get past all of this. To everyone’s astonishment, Siggy agrees to meet her the next day.
And that’s pretty much the entire party?
Meanwhile, Siggy and Dolores have a “slumber party” at Siggy’s, and put their hair in pigtails and wear face masks and write in their burn books and promise to be BFFs forever.
The next day Siggy and Margaret meet at a diner where, over cheese fries and omelets, Siggy yells at Margaret for not inviting her to the wreath memorial service for Teresa’s mom and for calling her “Soggy.” Margaret suggests that Siggy learn to laugh at herself a little bit more before pointing out that Siggy’s behavior isn’t particularly empowering towards women for someone who’s supposed to be a life coach or whatever the hell it is that Siggy does as the most talented person in the world. Siggy assures Margaret that she doesn’t want to “carry” her, she wants to destroy her, which, alright, that’s enough, you.
Then they start arguing over who knew Joan Rivers better? I don’t … why … what does Joan Ri- …
Anyway, Siggy begins crying at one point and Margaret is like, “Oh fucking hell, stop crying, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’ll say whatever you want. YOU KNEW JOAN RIVERS BETTER, I DON’T CARE, JUST STOP CRYING.”
And Siggy accepts the apology, the end.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.