‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Hey, at least Teresa didn’t throw the crab cake

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Let Them Eat Cake”
October 11, 2017

OOOH, NEW TAGLINES, CHUCKIES:

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Wait, where is Danielle’s tagline? Is SquareBoobs not actually a Housewife? I was promised Danielle was a Housewife this season. IMMA GONNA TOSS A TABLE IF DANIELLE IS NOT A REAL REAL HOUSEWIFE THIS SEASON, YOUS GUYS.

We begin this episode where we left these tontas: throwing cake at one another at some place called “Shooters” while Siggy calls them animals and worries that she’s going to have to explain — to someone — that they are from Jersey all the while grasping her pearls and inhaling smelling salts.

The next morning, two very different accounts are delivered to husbands back home: Melissa calls Folletto and tells him that she and Teresa were just having fun when Siggy lost her fottuta mente; Siggy calls Mr. Siggy and describes, and I quote, “carnage.”

calm down beyonce

Siggy also notes that she is taking the ladies to a friend’s house to play tennis later, but that she’s worried about how they are going to behave. MY GOD, WHAT IF THEY THROW TENNIS RACKETS AT EACH OTHER. Which, to be fair to Siggy, is entirely possible.

Some of the ladies — Teresa, Melissa, SquareBoobs, and Margaret, to be specific — load into a van and head to the beach to do some yoga. On the way, they discuss Siggy’s response to last night’s food fight, and how it was typical control freak nonsense. She was in charge of everything, but the moment they began to have fun that wasn’t planned by her, she lost her shit. It’s as good a theory as any.

They then laugh that Siggy the Gemini has a twin: Soggy, the crier.

pretty-good-burn-patrice

They arrive at the beach and do some yoga, it’s not that interesting.

daniell yoga spread rhonj
OK. PUT THAT AWAY.

When yoga class is done, some dude delivers a large white floral wreath that Margaret had ordered. Apparently, she had a whole plan to memorialize Teresa’s madre based on a ritual she saw in Hawaii — or in that George Clooney movie The Descendents —  where you write a note to your passed loved one, attach it to a floral wreath, paddle the wreath out in an outrigger and set it adrift.

The women recreate this by each writing their own notes to people while crying and crying and crying and crying and crying: Teresa to her madre; Melissa to her padre; Danielle to her madre; and Margaret to her nonna. And then, amazingly, hilariously, Teresa climbs on top of a paddle board with the wreath and the notes and some guy pushes her out into the water about 200 feet where she drops the wreath which will absolutely wash back onto shore within 10 to 15 minutes, depending on the tide. Very moving ceremony, very special.

Meanwhile, Siggy and Dolores go to a juice bar where Siggy bitches some more about the cake fight.

calm down beyonce

Then everyone returns to the hotel where they catch a van to Siggy’s amica’s house to play a little tennis, go for a swim and presumably humiliate Siggy some more. On the ride over, no one speaks to each other, both sides waiting for an apology: Siggy waiting for Tre and Melissa to apologize for throwing her wallpaper cake; Teresa and Melissa waiting for Siggy to apologize for calling them animals. No one is satisfied.

Once they arrive at Siggy’s Amica’s house before they ring the bell, Siggy announces to the group that she was MORTIFIED at their behavior the night before, and SO HELP HER GOD IF THESE STUGATS ACT THIS WAY HERE AND EMBARRASS HER IN FRONT OF AMICA …

And then everyone has to walk into the house pretending that they weren’t just scolded like a bunch of ill-behaved fifth graders on a field trip.

Over lunch, Siggy explains to the group that Amica’s husband was her ob-gyn which is how the two of them became amicas, which … what? Who has that kind of relationship with their ob-gyn? I’m sorry, but if you or your spouse has seen my cervix, we are not going to socialize.

Teresa then goes out of her way to thank Margaret for the wreath ceremony memorializing her madre and Dolores is FURIOSA. SHE HAS KNOWN TERESA’S MADRE SINCE SHE WAS 16 YEARS OLD AND THESE STUGATS THEY DON’T PICK UP A PHONE AND CALL DOLORES AND SIGGY TO TELL THEM THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A MEMORIAL YOGA SERVICE I MEAN MARGARET IS SIGGY’S GUEST AND SHE IS JUST GOING TO EXCLUDE HER LIKE THAT EVEN THOUGH 12 HOURS EARLIER SIGGY WAS CALLING THEM ALL ANIMALS AND TELLING MARGARET TO FUCK OFF? HOW DARE SHE? HOW DARE ANY OF THEM?

imperator-furiosa-skeptical

After lunch, the ladies split up: Dolores, Siggy, and Margaret play tennis with an instructor while Teresa, SquareBoobs, and Melissa hang out in the pool with a lifeguard who has thirteen-too-many abs. Amica, meanwhile, wafts around the grounds in a caftan, her only real contribution (besides her tennis courts and pool) is to listen to Siggy bitch AGAIN ABOUT THE DAMNED CAKE FIGHT.

Seriously, though, how much did this fucking cake cost? Did she have to take out a loan? I genuinely understand being insulted that your gesture was not appreciated to your liking, but my God, it’s a cake. It’s literally meant to be consumed.

calm down beyonce

Dolores, meanwhile, explains to Margaret why Siggy is so upset, because cake, and Margaret is like, “I mean, OK, but she did call them animals.” Dolores is unimpressed by this argument and thinks that Margaret needs to learn a little something about loyalty.

And it took me a while to figure this one out: why on Earth does Margaret, an acquaintance of Siggy’s, owe Siggy anything, especially “loyalty?” But I think what Dolores is getting at is that because Siggy is Margaret’s connection to the show, and the show will presumably help Margaret’s business and future ventures, she somehow “owes” Siggy something in return, at the very least she should be Team Siggy even if Siggy is acting like a hysterical lunatic over a god damned cake. Of course, that would never be actually explained on camera because we must never pull back the veil and reveal that this is whole show is really just being used by all of the cast as one big marketing opportunity for their side hustles.

Anyway, everyone manages to behave themselves at Amica’s and not toss any cake or break any tennis rackets or throw over any tables, so Siggy should definitely be over it now. Definitely.

The women then split up: Siggy is hosting the ladies at her condo for dinner, so she and Dolores are going to go there to set up and talk about how pissed off they are that Pigtails didn’t invite them to the wreath ceremony, while everyone else returns to the hotel to put their glam squads to work like normal people do when they go to dinner at a friend’s house.

The ladies aren’t at Siggy’s condo long enough to finish their crab cake appetizers before Siggy is yelling at everyone for pretending that nothing happened, like a CAKE wasn’t THROWN. In fact, when Siggy told Amica what had happened, Amica thought it was disgraceful …

Melissa thanks Siggy for “throwing [them] under the bus” with Amica (although why she should care what Amica thinks …)  and Siggy snaps back that they threw her under the bus when they didn’t apologize first thing this morning.

No one in this group has any idea what the expression “throw under the bus” means.

Teresa demands that Siggy apologize to them for calling them derogatory names and making the “have to explain we’re from Jersey” comment, which Siggy — using the world’s dumbest, but most utilized reality star move — denies ever saying. DUMMY, DENY NOTHING. THERE’S TAPE. THERE IS ALMOST ALWAYS TAPE.

Margaret wonders what Siggy would do in a real crisis, and reveals her new nickname for her: “Soggy.” “I’M PROUD OF MY CRYING,” an actual adult human being says in response.

Siggy then becomes very condescending to the women, explaining that she expects her friends to have a certain level of class when out in public — you know, like she demonstrated when she screamed her way through the steak house two nights earlier — and offers to explain to them like they are kindergartners why she’s so furious with them. With that, Siggy gives them permission to “continue acting like trash if [they] want to.”

Melissa, our field guide to the social behaviors of Jerseyites, explains that there are two things you don’t call a woman from Jersey poor criminal bankrupt stupid or trash. And sure enough, Danielle begins yelling at Siggy that it is FUCKING WRONG for her to be calling Melissa and Teresa “trash” and SHE IS NEVER TO USE THAT WORD IN SQUAREBOOB’S PRESENCE AGAIN.

So, of course, Siggy, clapping her hands for emphasis, calls them all “TRASHY! TRASHY! TRASHY!”

This causes Teresa, Melissa, Margaret, and Danielle to stand up from the table and take their leave.

the crab cake was fucking salty rhonj teresa.gif

Meanwhile, the caterer wonders how he got dragged into this.

While all this cake and wreath and insult throwing was happening down in Florida, we learn that back in Jersey, Frank the Ex is terrorizing Frank the Son, and the Gorgas are all yelling about Gabagool having a fidanzato, as if it’s any of their damn business or they get a say in the matter. YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, GABAGOOL. DON’T YOU LET THESE BACKWARDS SCIOVINISTAS TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, GIRL.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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