The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Taking the Cake

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Shady Beach”
October 4, 2017

Benvenuto indietro, i miei polli! It’s season eight of this nonsense, and we’ve shed one Housewife, added one new one and are welcoming back one of the most notorious Housewives from any of the franchises. It should be a glorious trainwreck.

On March 3, Mama Gorga passed away after a bout of pneumonia, and it’s on this happy note that we begin the eighth season. HAVING FUN ALREADY.

R.I.P. Mama Gorga. You certainly deserved a less stressful life than your dumb children saddled you with.

A month later, we check in with the returning Housemogli:

Teresa is making do with Meatball away in meatball prison. Gabagool is driving because that’s how old we all are now: so old.

Melissa is trying to give Folletto a little space after his madre’s death since he’s still all emotional about it. And understandably so: the woman literally did every single thing for him his entire life as he is a big helpless baby man, i.e., Italian.

Dolores’ ex-husband Frank is moving back in with her, but they insist they are not fucking. We all know they are fucking.

Siggy is apparently going to allow her husband on camera this season. He asks her her to cut it out with the book signings and public appearances and spend more time not cooking dinner for him.

Jacqueline has been banished from the series with all the other Laurita-Manzos. Arrivederci, Jacqueline! It’s been real, Jacqueline! If you do feel the need to return, please bring Caroline and Greg with you!

Nonno Gorga is so broken-hearted over the death of his wife, that he’s decided to sell his house and move in with Teresa and the girls. Folletto and Teresa pack their padre’s house and everyone cries and cries and cries. Such a fun start to the season, everyone!

Sometime later, flowers are delivered to Teresa — from DANIELLE STAUB.

tracy-jordan-gasp

Nonno Gorga has to be reminded who Danielle Staub is, and Gabagool is like, “Oh, you know…”

teresa table flip

Later, Folletto comes by Teresa’s to take the girls and Nonno Gorga to dinner so that Teresa can have some amici over to hang out, including Siggy and Dolores. Over Chinese food and vino, Dolores reveals that Frank has moved back in, but it’s not like that because she has a doctor boyfriend now.

jon hamm sure ok right sarcastic

And then Teresa talks about how sad she is about losing Mama Gorga some more. We are having SUCH FUN ALREADY!

We also check in on Envy, Melissa’s boutique, where we learn she has parted ways from her business partner, that Jackie lady. Not only that but after they agreed to end their partnership, that Jackie lady reportedly snuck into the store, took all the inventory and brought it to Posche.

kenan-omg-face

I have many many questions about the legality of this, and can only assume that Jackie must have owned the merchandise, because otherwise, what the actual fuck? You can’t do that? That’s stealing?

The point is Melissa has since restocked with only outfits she would wear and also, too, fuck Kim D.

Meanwhile, Siggy is hawking her book with speaking engagements at “medical spas,” where she offers such profound and novel advice to your sad unmarried aunts as “know your worth” and “follow your passion.” HUH. NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY. CONSIDER MY MIND BLOWN.

It is at one such event that we meet our newest Jersey Housemogli, Margaret, some acquaintance of Siggy’s, supposedly. At the event, Siggy and Margaret “discover” that they are both going to be in Boca Raton that weekend — Siggy with the rest of the cast, Margaret … just, on her own, I guess — they should totally meet up, they agree in this completely organic conversation.

So who is this Margaret person? Margaret Josephs is a 50-year-old who wears her bottle blond hair in pigtails, and has her own lifestyle brand. She and her current husband — who at one time was her contractor — left their respective spouses for one another, an event she assures us multiple times was a huge “scandal” in their community. She runs her business from her house and seems utterly exhausting.

Then we have to endure the tedious “packing for a trip” segment because GOD FORBID WE DON’T SPEND 10 MINUTES WATCHING PEOPLE PUT THINGS IN SUITCASES — HOW WOULD WE EVER UNDERSTAND THEY WERE GOING ON A VACATION WITHOUT THE EXPLANATION THAT THEY “BRING THINGS” WITH THEM?

The ladies arrive in Florida and are taken to their hotel — this despite the fact that Siggy owns a house in Boca Raton. Apparently, Siggy wasn’t interested in this Jersey trash wrecking the place and honestly, can you blame her?

teresa table flip

That evening the ladies go to dinner at some steak house where Siggy is a regular, and she proceeds to scream at all the other patrons, steal food off someone’s table, and demands from Jimmy the waiter the BEST CHAMPAGNE in the joint.

Over dinner the ladies get personal: Siggy reveals that her husband wants her to pull back professionally; Margaret tells the ladies about leaving her first husband for the contractor; and Teresa — brace yourself, because this is enorme — admits that she is “frustrated” that Meatball’s real estate shenanigans cost her a year that she could have spent with Mama Gorga.

YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT: TERESA IS KINDA SORTA A TINY BIT MAD AT MEATBALL. KINDA. A TINY BIT.

shocked bird

And they said it would never happen.

The next day is Melissa’s birthday, and after a quick call to Folletto in which Melissa reveals her own astonishment that Teresa expressed frustration with Meatball — and we have to endure Folletto talking about his erection, maddon’ — the ladies have breakfast and bloody marys.

And that’s when Danielle Staub, ol’ Square Boobs herself, arrives.

surprise im back bitches scream happy schadenfraude.gif

As evidenced by the flowers earlier, Teresa and Danielle have made nice since Teresa came home from camp prison, doing yoga together and bonding over their shared awfulness.

The ladies briefly talk about the weird terribleness Kim D. was involved with this spring wherein her car was stolen and set on fire with two people inside, and for a while they thought one of the bodies might be Kim D.’s son, but it wasn’t, the end.

Melissa, however, does not have any time for sympathy for Kim D. because cazzo quella cagna.

That night, the ladies travel by boat to a fancy birthday dinner for Melissa at a very classy establishment called “Shooters.”

eileen-raise-eyebrows-oh-really-rhobh

“Shooters.”

On the ride over, little Baccala calls Teresa and cries and cries over how much she misses her Nonna. WE ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN I CAN BARELY STAND IT.

At dinner, the ladies discuss a variety of things, including some sort of suspicious “spray” that one puts on one’s chucky that Margaret insists leads to an “unbelievable orgasm.” Margaret explains that you just squirt it on and “marinate” your chucky “like a chicken,” an image I will now have to live with forever and ever, Lord save my soul.

Melissa’s bachelorette party comes up, and Melissa tells the other women that Teresa, who was in attendance, tattled to Folletto that Melissa had been dancing with another man. This led to Folletto not speaking to Melissa for three weeks, and Teresa smirks that she used to be a trouble maker.

“Used to be.”

This leads to a whole discussion of jealousy and masculinity, and Siggy announces that she did NOT marry a wussy or a pussy, he’s a man that knows what he wants — to sideline his wife’s career and potential — but on the other hand, God made her “the most talented human being on the face of the Earth,” and she needs to share this gift with the world.

Wait. Stop. Hold it right there.

This bitch right here honestly thinks she is “the most talented human being on the face of the Earth?” How did she arrive at this realization, did she win a season of Earth’s Got Talent? And what is Siggy’s talent exactly? Is serving up a bunch of self-help platitudes that are commonly found on your mother’s facebook feed considered a talent now?

(Side note: Melissa would like to point out that Siggy is not Michael Jackson, Madonna or the guy who invented the lightbulb, that there are really talented people out there. First of all, his name is Edison, and he was from your home state, dumdum and second of all, two of the people you are using as examples of talent are dead, so.)

The other women question Siggy as to how she can let a man control her and stifle her passion, to which she throws her wine on the table, which is just a normal way to answer that question, obviously.

And that’s when the expensive cake Siggy had made for Melissa arrives. Siggy, very invested in this cake, points out the details to Melissa, including the decoration that matches the wallpaper from Envy.

Teresa offers a sincere birthday toast to Melissa, the sister she never had, and in response, Melissa again brings up the fact that Teresa tattled to Folletto about her bachelorette party. This, in turn, leads to Teresa smacking Melissa in the face with a piece of cake — playfully! with these two, I have to be very clear that it was playfully!

rhonj teresa and melissa food fight siggy.gif

— which leads to Melissa grabbing the entire top layer of the cake and throwing it at Teresa, which leads to Teresa grabbing the bottom layer of the cake and hurling it across the restaurant at Melissa.

Siggy is FURIOUS. This was NOT JUST A CAKE it was a PIECE OF ART and these CLASSLESS BITCHES ARE JUST GOING TO THROW IT AROUND? Margaret suggests that she might be overreacting and tells her to take it down a notch, to which Siggy suggests Margaret go “fuck [herself].”

Welcome to the show, Margaret! Settle in, honey, because I assure you this will hardly be the last time one of these cagnas are going to tell you to fuck yourself.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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