Welp, our shitbird of a President-elect took to Twitter this morning to mock Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ratings as host of Celebrity Apprentice:
Aside from this being so far beneath the office of the President as to be located somewhere below the bottom of the Mariana Trench, aside from that embarrassment, the thing to remember is that no matter how Celebrity Apprentice did this week, this walking narcissistic personality disorder was going to find a way to take credit. If Schwarzenegger outperformed him as host, it would have been because the show is an extension of Trump and America just fucking loves him so fucking much. If it didn’t do well – as it did not – it’s not because the majority of the American people who did not vote for him wanted nothing to do with anything even remotely associated with him, and it’s not because television has become so fractured in the past 15 years that you literally cannot compare ratings in any real meaningful way; no, it’s because he’s no longer host. Clearly. Obviously. Duh.
The thing to remember — and THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER — is that you will not spite Donald Trump by watching Celebrity Apprentice. By making Arnold Schwarzenegger a more popular host of Celebrity Apprentice, all you will actually be accomplishing is lining Donald Trump’s pockets further as he is still a producer of the show. And in closing, DO NOT WATCH THAT FUCKING SHOW. PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU.
Oh, don’t worry about Arnold Schwarzenegger or his feelings. He’s already clapped back:
And that’s how you deal with Donald Motherfucking Trump.
You must now go watch Luther, Obama’s translator in his last appearance on the Daily Show last night. The bit begins precisely at 2:58, and it is perfection. OH MY GOD, DON’T GO, OBAMA. DON’T GO, LUTHER.
Speaking of late night, so, what the hell is going on over at Conan? Reports started coming in yesterday that it was going to switch to a weekly format or maybe be cut down to 30 minutes instead of an hour. But then the head of TBS said there are no plans to change the show’s format. And then the show’s Executive Producer wrote a memo to the staff saying that while the show might become a weekly show, it won’t happen in 2017. What is DEFINITELY happening is that “Clueless Gamer” is going to become its own series. (But unless Conan is going to star in every episode, I’m not entirely sure how THAT works.)
And then there’s the whole game of musical chairs that is happening in cable news. After it was announced that Megyn Kelly would be moving to NBC, and Bowtie-Ruiner Tucker Carlson would be taking her spot at Fox News, we learned Greta Van Susteren is moving to MSNBC. She claims she’s being “hit from the right and left” for it. Reportedly, she “thinks” she will be able to book Donald Trump as a guest, which would be terrific for MSNBC’s ratings, obviously. But I am beginning to worry that this is what it looks like when NBC is LITERALLY in business with the President-elect. Will NBC allow its famously liberal antidote to Fox News to slip further to the right in an effort to lure Trump voters and to keep the President-elect — their actual business partner — happy? It’s alarming. (As I am typing this, literally, I have MSNBC on and there is a debate on happening about fact-based news media and whether or not MSNBC needs to chase conservative eyeballs. Saints preserve me because it is 8:30 in the morning and I need a drink.)
Oh, and just in case you wanted to lose all faith in humanity the cable news business, that racist asshole Jesse Watters’ racist “Watters’ World” segment is being turned into a weekly program.
AND NOW I’M GOING TO CHANGE THE TOPIC BEFORE THE VEIN IN MY FOREHEAD POPS.
That upcoming Netflix series starring Drew Barrymore and Timothy Olyphant, The Santa Clarita Diet, had been playing it super coy with what, exactly, it was about. Turns out, the diet? It’s human flesh because this is a zombie show. OK! Sure!
You guys, they’re doing a Charmed reboot. And it’s from the people who gave us Jane the Virgin, so it might be really good.
ALERT: There is a British show out there called Crazyhead that is one part Buffy the Vampire Slayer and one part Supernatural and as soon as I am done here, I am watching the hell out of it over on Netflix.
Here’s a handy guide to all the sci-fi, fantasy and superhero shows we can look forward to in 2017.
Hey, what’s Ricky Schroeder been up to lately? Making documentaries about the Syrian War, of course.
Here are a bunch of just good Young Pope twitter jokes in case that was a thing that you were missing in your life.
Casting News:
- Alexis Bledel is going to be in Handmaid’s Tale, so go ahead and start making those Rory Gilmore pregnancy jokes.
- Cher is going to star in Flint, a Lifetime movie about the Flint water crisis.
- Martin Sheen will play Oral Roberts in the Netflix movie, Come Sunday.
- Jim Sturgess is going to be in Hard Sun, a Hulu series from the guy who created Luther.
Renewals: Those Who Can’t has been picked up for a third season by TruTV; and Fuse has renewed Gabriel Iglesias’ show, but they’re changing the name to Fluffy’s Food Adventures.
R.I.P. Sam Lovullo, producer of Hee Haw.
WATCH THIS
FRIDAY
Hawaii Five-0: Mexico trip! 8 p.m., Friday, CBS
One Day at a Time: This Latina remake of the 80s single mother classic has been receiving strong positive reviews. Series premiere. Netflix
Emerald City: This reimagining of The Wizard of Oz has NOT been receiving strong positive reviews. Series premiere. 8 p.m., NBC
Grimm: Captain Renard is hell-bent on killing Nick once and for all in the final season premiere. 7 p.m., NBC
Sleepy Hollow: Ichabod is still reeling from Abbie’s death. Aren’t we all. Season premiere. 8 p.m., Fox
Winter premieres:
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: 7 p.m., The CW
Last Man Standing: 7 p.m., ABC
Macgyver: 7 p.m., CBS
Rosewood: 7 p.m., Fox
Dr. Ken: 7:30 p.m., ABC
Blue Bloods: 9 p.m., CBS
SATURDAY
Bright Lights: This documentary takes a look at Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds’ relationship, which takes on a heartbreaking poignancy in the wake of their recent deaths. 7 p.m., HBO
Ransom: CBS is trying to bring new programming to Saturday nights with this new crisis negotiation procedural. In the first episode, some bone marrow that a baseball player needs is being held for ransom for $5 million. OK. Sure. Absolutely. Series premiere. 7 p.m., CBS
SUNDAY
The Golden Globes: Jimmy Fallon hosts the booze-soaked awards show. He won’t be as good as Tina and Amy, but I’ve made my peace with that. 7 p.m., NBC
Winter premieres:
NCIS: Los Angeles: 7 p.m., CBS
The Simpsons: 7 p.m., Fox
Family Guy: 8 p.m., Fox
Madam Secretary: 8 p.m., CBS
Bob’s Burgers: 8:30 p.m., Fox
Elementary: 9 p.m., CBS
Late Night: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: (Friday): Charlie Rose, Hayden Panettiere, Jack Maxwell Watch What Happens Live (Sunday): Cynthia Bailey, Bevy Smith
| FRI. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | Last Man Standing (new) |
Dr. Ken (new) |
Shark Tank (new) |
20/20 (new) |
| CBS | MacGyver (new) |
Hawaii Five-0 (new) |
Blue Bloods (new) |
| CW | Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (new) |
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (new) |
Local |
| FOX | Rosewood (new) |
Sleepy Hollow (new) |
Local |
| NBC | Grimm (new) |
Emerald City (new) |
—
| SAT. | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 | 10:00 | 10:30 | 11:00 | 11:30 |
| ABC | Jimmy Kimmel: Here for the Right Reasons (repeat) |
20/20 (new) |
20/20 (new) |
News/Local |
| CBS | Ransom (new) |
Criminal Minds (repeat) |
48 Hours (new) |
News/Local |
| FOX | Sleepy Hollow (repeat) |
Star (repeat) |
News/Local |
| NBC | Dateline NBC (new) |
Saturday Night Live (repeat) |
News/Local | Saturday Night Live (repeat) |
—
| SUN. | 6:00 | 6:30 | 7:00 | 7:30 | 8:00 | 8:30 | 9:00 | 9:30 |
| ABC | America’s Funniest Home Videos (new) |
To Tell the Truth (new) |
To Tell the Truth (new) |
Conviction (new) |
| CBS | 60 Minutes (new) |
NCIS: Los Angeles (new) |
Madam Secretary (new) |
Elementary (new) |
| FOX | Son of Zorn (repeat) |
Bob’s Burgers (repeat) |
The Simpsons (new) |
Son of Zorn (new) |
Family Guy (new) |
Bob’s Burgers (new) |
Local/News (new) |
| NBC | The Golden Globes (live) |