Married to Medicine: Houston
“Raging Dr. Elly”
December 9, 2016
First of all, Happy New Year. Second of all, Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Joyous Boxing Day/Feisty Festivus/Glad General Holiday of Your Choosing. Third of all, I am SO SORRY for checking out on these last five episodes of Married to Medicine: Houston. By the time this episode aired, the holidays had the better of me: I was knee-deep in panicked Amazon shopping and wrapping and stress-eating and the next thing I knew the series had its first season finale. How the time flies.
But I leave no show behind!* So we are going to binge-cap these last episodes and then cross our fingers and wait for word on season two. COME ONNNN, ANDY. THESE WOMEN ARE AMAZING.
We begin this episode with Rachel and Dr. James OUTRAGED that Mamacita Maribel has been acting like a common 16-year-old, trashing the backyard with her cigarette butts and empty tall boys. THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS FOR FRAT KEG PARTIES, MISSY, NOT YOUR DAUGHTER’S POOL.
This apparently led to Mamacita Maribel being grounded at Rachel’s sister’s house for a few days. When she returns, she claims that the mess was caused by ¡una tormenta grande! and ¡fuertes venitos! and not, you know, her disinterest in cleaning up after herself. And then Rachel and Dr. James fantasize about Mamacita Maribel becoming independiente and moving out of their casa. LOL, NUNCA GONNA HAPPEN.
Later, Rachel and Mamacita Maribel play with padded booty panties, and Rachel suggests that Mamacita Maribel draft a budget so that she can begin thinking about saving enough money that she might maybe one day possibly sometime in the future find her own place, but Mamacita Maribel is all “JAJAJAJA, NOPE. YO AM TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT LOS FIYANCES AND YO WANT TO TALK ABOUT LOS FINE ASSES.”
You are mi héore, Mamacita.
In other news, Dr. Monica and Imad go to the former RDG + Bar Annie (R.I.P. RDG + Bar Annie) to talk about their static relationship, and how Dr. Monica wants to get married so that she can make the babies. THERE’S NOT MUCH TIME. However, making the babies just isn’t that important to Imad who 1. is a man and therefore has all the time in the world to make the babies and 2. already has made the baby who happens to live in San Antonio and therefore Imad has less incentive to worry about making more babies. Imad is an immovable object and Dr. Monica is an unstoppable force and nothing is resolved, nothing is accomplished.
Speaking of fertility issues: back to Dr. Erika. Dr. Erika and Derek go to the fertility specialist who informs them that Derek’s swimmers are strong and healthy and plentiful. “Cool!” says Derek. “I’m going to work! Peace out!” And with that, Derek leaves Dr. Erika to talk about the rest of the lab results with the fertility doctor, and she is no more happy with her 60% chance of creating a successfully implanted embryo on this day than she was previously. Especially when a 40% chance of no baby at all might cost her around $120,000.
That evening, Dr. Erika sits Derek down and explains that she wants to put this whole “let’s make a baby” plan on hold (indefinitely) — a choice that she knows might be painful for her younger husband who had always planned on having children. And Derek, to his credit, handles his wife’s choice with maturity and sensitivity as if he’s a real person and not on a Bravo reality show. (By the way, has anyone told these people they are on a Bravo reality show? Because these two in particular do not act like they are on a Bravo reality show.)
Dr. Elly’s house hosts dinner for her family, and by “hosts dinner for her family,” I mean she has her mother bring over a bunch of food that she prepared and they eat it at Dr. Elly’s house — something that happens fairly often apparently. Not that I am judging! I am not judging! If my mom were willing to cart over a fabulous spread of Persian food to my house, I’d totally let her. But other than make us watch them eat a fabulous spread of Persian food and talk about how Dr. Elly and her sister Pegah used to fight like cats and dogs, nothing much else happens here.
Elsewhere, Pretty Ricky swings by Dr. Ashandra’s dental office with a box of wine and a whole lot of cheekiness, explaining that he is her “sexretary” this afternoon. But the real reason he is here is so that Dr. Ashandra can explain to the audience by explaining to Pretty Ricky that she has invited all the ladies to brunch to work out their issues with one another, and then remind us of said issues: Dr. Erika vs. Rachel (accusations: Dr. Erika doesn’t like to have fun, refuses to eat s’mores; Rachel needs to slow her roll and put down the mojito) and Dr. Elly vs. Dr. Monica (accusations: Dr. Elly isn’t a “real doctor”; Dr. Monica is a bitch for saying that Dr. Elly isn’t a “real doctor”).
The brunch is held at Ouisie’s Table, and Dr. Ashandra, not wanting to take any unnecessary chances, arrives with place cards, seating Dr. Monica and Dr. Elly across from one another rather than within hair-pulling range.
The women begin arriving: Dr. Erika, Rachel, Dr. Elly and Pegah, who is wearing some FIERCE black lipstick, clearly prepared for some SHIT TO GO DOWN. After making some small talk about rompers …
… Rachel apologizes to Dr. Erika for screaming at her when she didn’t eat the s’mores at the crawfish boil.
The ladies then talk about how late Dr. Monica always is, Rachel adding that the last time she was meeting Dr. Monica for dinner, she arrived two hours late, completely glammed out, while claiming that she just came from the hospital. Dr. Erika tries to defend her friend, protesting that’s just how Dr. Monica do, but everyone is like, “SURE, OK, LOL.”
Dr. Monica finally arrives and once seated immediately feels the negative vibes radiating off of Dr. Elly and Pegah Blacklips. The ladies, blinded by a flashy diamond ring Dr. Monica is waving around, ask if it’s real. “Nine carats,” Dr. Monica brags, while giving Pegah some hard side-eye when she pointedly asks whether or not it’s an engagement ring — which it is not. “Some people move in different circles,” Dr. Monica explains(?). Dr. Elly shrugs that she also has a jeweler who lets her borrow jewelry, so NBD.
“I can actually afford it,” Dr. Monica snaps back, before adding that Dr. Elly and Pegah with the Black Lips have “negative energy.”
“WELL LET ME EXPLAIN WHY THAT MIGHT BE,” Dr. Elly offers. “I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HOW THEY JUST HAND OUT DOCTOR’S DEGREES TO ANYBODY,” Dr. Elly unloads. Dr. Monica protests that she didn’t mean it in a malicious way, just in the way that suggest that Dr. Elly isn’t a “real” doctor, so come on, get over it. Dr. Monica adds that if you ask most medical doctors, they’d agree that what Dr. Elly has isn’t a medical degree. “DID I SAY I WAS A MEDICAL DOCTOR?” Dr. Elly fires back.
Terrified, Dr. Erika flees the table, because, as noted before, no one seems to have mentioned to her or her husband that they are on a Bravo reality show.
Dr. Monica accuses Dr. Elly and Pegah of attacking her, calls them both “very low-class” and “trashy,” before furiously stomping off to the ladies’ room.
AND THAT’S HOW YOU LOBBY FOR A RENEWAL. Well done, ladies.
Dr. Ashandra and Dr. Erika follow Dr. Monica into the bathroom to try to convince her to be the bigger person and, you know, not call her fellow castmates “trashy.” So Dr. Monica does just that: she returns to the table and apologizes if she said anything that hurt Dr. Elly’s feelings, which, frankly, is no way to get renewed.
Pro tip: What you want to do, ladies, is refuse to EVER apologize for ANYTHING, throw a glass of throwing wine or three, maybe attack a cameraman. Weave-pulling is always a good move, preferably while you’re saying something that can be turned into a copyrightable catch phrase. And while table-tossing is too obvious, if you have an artificial limb you can toss — you’re doctors, surely you can get your hands on a fake hand or leg — you’re golden, season two guaranteed.
But the apology is out there even if it is greeted by a nasty glare from Dr. Elly and an insistence that Dr. Monica start calling her “Dr. Elly.” But Dr. Ashandra will take it and she suggests that everyone just shove their faces full of biscuits because carbs make everything better.
*Actually, I abandon shows all the time. Don’t tell anyone.
Married to Medicine: Houston aired on Bravo on Fridays at 8 p.m. But it SHOULD have aired when someone might actually have seen it because it’s pretty good.