‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Arrivederci, Meatball

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“The Importance of Being Family”
October 16, 2016

It’s time for Meatball to go to meatball prison for committing meatball fraud, and I am not going to cry because Meatball brought this upon himself by being a dumb meatball. I’M NOT GOING TO CRY, DAMMIT.

But let’s begin with Siggy who invites her parents and her sister over to her house to watch her guilt her teenage son about not wanting to spend time with her. Except, SURPRISE! It’s Siggy’s mother who bursts into tears and gives Siggy and her sister grief for not wanting to spend time with HER! TWIST!

surprise, bitch

We also learn that when Siggy was in high school, her father announced they were leaving New Jersey and moving to Israel. Siggy spent her junior year there before being like, “Wait, let me get this straight, after I graduate, I have to join the army? NOPE. Going back to the States. KBAI.” Siggy moved back to New Jersey by herself where she lived with friends of the family and was separated from her own family for 8 years. That’s a lot for a teenager to deal with! That’s maybe too much for a teenager to deal with!

Later, Siggy and Dolores have lunch where Siggy explains that she just now realizes that this is at the root of her issues with her own kids. Solution: Don’t move your kids to Israel. Ta-da! Problem solved. Now leave your son alone already.

Siggy, her kids, her parents and her sister all go to the Brooklyn Holocaust Memorial to get in touch with their roots or something. There, Siggy’s father tells his fairly remarkable story of surviving the Holocaust as a child, moving from Belgium to France to finally Switzerland where he and his sister were separated from their parents. As a result, Siggy’s son comes to realize what an entitled little shit he is, so lesson learned!

Elsewhere, Jacqueline and Potatoee Face go shopping for the baby and Potatoee Face announces her intention to give birth naturally.

oh god honey no mean girls amy poehler

Potatoee also tells her mother that she received a congratulatory text from Melissa about her pregnancy, but nothing from Teresa. Jacqueline admits on camera that maybe, possibly, perhaps she overreacted in Vermont, and regrets that she can’t be sharing this happy time with Teresa. Potatoee points out that Teresa also has stuff going on in her famiglia, most of it terrible, all brought upon herself. Harsh. (But accurate.)

And then Potatoee Face tells Jacqueline that she appreciates her as a mother which almost makes up for what she put her mother through when she was an asshole teenager (but really early twenty-something). Almost.

Meanwhile, Melissa has the most boring conversation in the history of all conversations with her store manager about “social media posts.”

jebediah-atkins-next-snl

It’s the last week of Meatball’s freedom, so all of the Meatballs go into the City to make cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery together in an effort to “make memories.” Mortadella offers her cupcake to Meatball, for the birthday(s) he is going to miss while behind meatball bars. This prompts the other girls to offer their cupcakes, too, and Teresa say “AWWWWW” no fewer than 78 times. Except it sounds like, “OOOOOOAAARRRRWWWWWW” because Jersey. Also, Meatball gets very weepy because cupcakes do that to a man.

Later, il Meatballs host a going-away party which everyone approaches with a certain degree of melancholy. Once there, though, the mechanical bull that is inexplicably the focal point of the party at this New Jersey restaurant, bucks everyone’s blues away.

I have a few questions:

  1. Why was the footage all filmed on someone’s camera phone? Did il Meatballs ban the cameras from the party, or did the venue not allow the crew inside?
  2. But that was some professionally shot camera phone footage — you could see what was happening, it was steady, there were some nice zoom shots. Did one of the RHONJ cameramen film it?
  3. Wait, who is this person who is not Kathy but looks EXACTLY LIKE KATHY? (Is this Robyn?) IMG_6413.JPG
  4. Mechanical bull? Was this a western themed “Sorry You’re Going to Meatball Prison” party?
  5. What the hell?
  6. No, seriously, what’s the deal with the mechanical bull? Look, I live in Texas, ask me how many times I’ve ridden a mechanical bull. Ask me. Go ahead.*

Meanwhile, Laurita, Jacqueline, Kathy, Jeff Goldblum Jr. and Rosie and Rosie’s New Girlfriend go bowling. There, Jeff Goldblum Jr. is a gross pig who makes gross pig jokes about wanting to have a foursome with Rosie and Rosie’s New Girlfriend. Also, Laurita reveals that he texted Meatball to wish him the best but chose to not go to the Sorry You’re Going to Meatball Prison party because Dolores told him not to. Good reason! Makes sense!

The evening before Meatball is sent to meatball prison, he and Teresa sit out in their yard, drink wine, and talk about what is to come. They discuss how the girls are taking this pretty hard, how Tre is going to manage and how Meatball intends to come out a changed man, all of which is nice and sad and bittersweet. But then Teresa puts something in her mouth which she then feeds to Meatball like he’s a baby bird and I can’t. I can not. I won’t. Gross.

And then Meatball goes to Meatball Prison. It is sad.

Hours later, Siggy calls Teresa to check in on her, and Teresa says she’s tired. Revealing!

Elsewhere, Folletto and Melissa assemble a trampoline for the kids and Fagioli swears that if Stugats’ husband is ever mean to her, he’ll kill him with an axe. So that’s healthy.

Siggy and Dolores — who is technically still a New Jersey Housewife, believe it or not — go to Jacqueline’s house where Jac has melted down some chocolate to put in diapers for some baby dolls for reasons that are never properly explained, but I assume it’s a practice run for a baby shower game. In fact, it reminds me of this one time I had to go to my stepgrandmother’s daughter’s baby shower — and it should be noted that I do not know my stepgrandmother’s daughter … like, at all — where we had to play these nightmarish shower games, one of which involved smelling diapers that had various baby foods smeared inside of them. I’m still traumatized. The point is, the only shower game I ever want to play is “Who Wants to Refill My Wine Glass?”

Anyway, over the chocolate diapers — which is a waste of both perfectly good chocolate and diapers — the ladies discuss Meatball leaving for Meatball prison and Jacqueline squeezes out some very convincing, totally sincere tears.

That night, Folletto calls to check on Teresa, and tells her that if she becomes scared, to call him, he will be right over. Teresa then gathers the three youngest girls in her bed, where Mortadella and Baby Baccalà offer prayers for their padre. Which is heartbreaking! But somehow it’s even more heartbreaking when The Elusive Sfogliatelle declines to pray for him, instead just lying quietly in the bed while her madre tends to her sisters. Oh, Sfogliatelle, it’ll get better. 6 more years, girl, and you can escape these cameras, go to college and never look back.

rupaul-byeeee-drag-race

* 0 times.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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