We need to talk about this bananas ‘Married to Medicine: Houston’ trailer.

This week Bravo released the first trailer for their newest Ladies Screaming at Each Other Over Imagined Slights and Other Nonsense reality series, Married to Medicine: Houston, which will debut on Friday, November 11.

Let’s discuss. 

Here is Bravo’s official description of the show: “Married to Medicine Houston follows five dynamic women on the rise as they face high stakes in both their social circle and the medical world. These doctors and wives of doctors appear to have it all: they are educated, attractive, and polished professionals, but beneath the surface, viewers will see major obstacles that threaten their upward momentum. After putting their lives on hold to be a physician or a dedicated wife, the ladies must navigate marriage, children, family, and Houston society. Will these powerful females prove that they truly can rise to the top as they struggle to juggle it all?”

james-harden-rockets-eyeroll

For a while there I actually had kind of hoped that this show wasn’t going to happen, that Houston’s womenfolk would be spared the Bravo treatment. Yes, I knew Married to Medicine: Houston was in the pipeline — I wrote the story for the Chronicle announcing that it had been bought by Bravo — but when the series failed to materialize after a year, I began to hope against hope that maybe Houston women proved to be just too classy, too intelligent, too boring to be good reality show subjects and the whole thing had been scrapped.

Welp, this trailer helped relieve me of any of those notions:

Here is the one positive thing I can say about this show without having seen an episode: I do appreciate that Bravo captured Houston’s diversity with this cast. Houston’s crazy is the most ethnically diverse crazy in the entire country, true fact, and I’m glad that Bravo is accurately capturing our rainbow of crazy here in H-Town.

That out of the way, there’s a lot to digest in this trailer: Why is that one woman being carried into the party on a doli? Do all doctors really have a “celebrity complex?” Because as the daughter of a surgeon and the niece of two other surgeons, and someone who has grown up inside hospitals and doctor’s offices, this is news to me. God complexes, narcissistic personality disorders, egomania on a Trumpian scale, sure, but “celebrity complexes?” What is going on with that picture of diamonds that all the women are doing interviews in front of? What do diamonds have to do with medicine? Why is that blonde woman given subtitles when she says, “Do not turn the situation on me” at 1:12? Was that necessary or is it going to be a running joke throughout the series that this basic white lady needs subtitles? Because that would be hilarious.

And can we just all agree that the true star of this trailer is that old white woman who calls Blondy “anti-semitic,” dramatically kneels in apology at some fancy gala, tells an African-American woman WITH A STRAIGHT FACE that she herself is part African-American, and then concludes the trailer by saying, “That is the Houston, Texas way!” What is? WHAT IS THE HOUSTON, TEXAS WAY? WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY DON’T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW ALREADY? Congratulations on finding your next big star, Andy Cohen.

As for everyone else in the trailer, here’s what we know:

This is Ashandra Batiste.

Married to Medicine Houston - Season 1

According to Bravotv.com: “Ashandra “Shan” Batiste is a feisty dental surgeon who will drill your teeth in six-inch heels. Shan graduated from The University of Texas at Austin before attending Howard University College of Dentistry, and today owns her own dental practice, Elite Dental Wellness. …Whether it’s flying first class, or upgrading her office decor, nothing Shan does is average; she knows how to enjoy life’s luxuries and look fabulous while doing it.”

According to Google, her office is at Westheimer and Gessner. According to the trailer, she will take off her heels and whoop your ass right now.

This is Elly Pourasef.

Married to Medicine Houston - Season 1

According to Bravotv.com: “Elly Pourasef discovered the field of audiology when she was attending The University of Texas at Austin and instantly fell in love with it. She went on to receive her doctorate from her alma mater and today owns a private practice in Houston. … In her spare time, Elly taps into her Persian roots and her creative side with an event-planning side business that caters to Texas’ elite Persian community.”

According to Google, her office is off the Katy Freeway. And according to the trailer, she does NOT call herself a medical doctor and you can go fuck yourself.

This is Erika Sato.

Married to Medicine Houston - Season 1

According to Bravotv.com: “Erika Sato is a plastic surgeon who has worked relentlessly in achieving professional success. After receiving her doctorate of medicine from the University of Missouri – Columbia, Erika completed her general surgery residency at the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston, where she also went on to complete her plastic surgery residency. She is currently practicing at the well-established Houston Plastic Craniofacial & Sinus Surgery where she specializes in cosmetic surgery and breast reconstruction.”

According to Google, her office is on Fannin in the Medical Center. According to anatomy, breasts are neither part of the cranium, nor the face nor are they sinuses.

This is Monica Patel.

Married to Medicine Houston - Season 1

According to Bravotv.com: “Monica Patel is a quadruple board certified cardiologist who embodies the perfect combination of beauty and brains. After receiving her bachelor of science degree in biology and chemistry at Houston Baptist University, Monica attended medical school at the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston. She completed an internal medicine residency and cardiology fellowship at the McGovern Medical School, formerly known as University of Texas Medical School in Houston. … A serious doctor by day and a fun-loving social butterfly by night, Monica lives her life to the fullest. In what little free time she has, this sultry physician enjoys shopping, traveling, and spending time with her loved ones.”

According to Google, her office is also on Fannin in the Medical Center, right next door to Erika’s office. According to the trailer, she really really really really really really really really really really wants to get married.

This is Rachel Suliburk.

Married to Medicine Houston - Season 1

According to Bravotv.com: “Rachel is a sassy Southern belle who is married to Dr. James Suliburk, a surgeon who works in Trauma and Acute Care Surgery at Ben Taub General Hospital, one of the busiest trauma centers in the country. When not in trauma surgery, he is also a sub-specialist and chief in Thyroid and Endocrine Surgery at Baylor College of Medicine and Baylor St. Luke’s Medical Center. His demanding career, coupled with Rachel’s full-time schedule as she works towards her Bachelors of Science in Nursing at the Chamberlain College of Nursing, means making time for one another can be a struggle. However, when this dynamic duo finds a night off, they know how to let loose and enjoy attending lavish gatherings, as well as hosting them in their beautiful, one-of-a-kind home.” (Gross.)

According to Google, her husband works in the Medical Center. According to me, it’s embarrassing that so many words in her bio are actually about her husband’s career. Also, she might require subtitles.

Before you ask, yes, I am going to recap this one. Of course I’m going to recap this one. My blogging license should be suspended if I didn’t recap the Bravo show that was set in my hometown — some parts down the street from my house — nevermind what it might cost me on an intellectual and spiritual level. ~sob~

So, I’ll see you next month, and please, bring wine. I’m going to need a lot of self medication to get through this one.

 

 

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