‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Signore Mom

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“A Life to Envy”
July 31, 2016

Yous guys. I haven’t watched ahead, so I honestly do not know the answer to this, but is this season going to improve? I know I’m waaaaaay behind, but I don’t know that I can take an entire season of the Follettos bitching at each other about Melissa’s dumb boutique, which is pretty much what this entire episode was.

Melissa at boutique: “I have to get ready for my grand opening! I will fuss with this mannequin and pretend that I know what I’m doing!”

Folletto at home with the children: “ARRG! CHILDREN! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET ANY WORK DONE!? I AM A MISOGYNISTIC TROLL WHO LIVES IN THE 1950s AND DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THAT A WOMAN MIGHT NOT WANT TO TIE HER ENTIRE IDENTITY TO HER RELATIONSHIP TO HER HUSBAND AND CHILDREN! ARRRG!”

Repeat. Infinity repeat.

Later, Folletto and Melissa have a conversation about the upcoming grand opening of her boutique, but really it’s just Folletto sitting his wife down to mansplain to her all of the ways in which her business is going to fail.

worlds-best-husband

Elsewhere, Teresa and Lawyer Jimmy head into the city for meetings with the publisher of her new memoir, Turning the Tables, and to record the audio book. She cries, which I hope they kept in the recording, honestly.

Teresa and Lawyer Jimmy also talk about the tabloid rumors that have begun popping up again, suggesting that as soon as Meatball goes to meatball jail, Teresa will be leaving his lying, cheating, felonious ass, but Teresa’s all, “NAH.”

Elsewhere, Siggy and Jacqueline meet at some restaurant in the middle of the day for a bottle of wine and french fries, which YES, GAWD. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE, FRENCH FRIES AND WINE? Now all I want is french fries and wine. BRING ME ALL OF THE FRENCH FRIES AND WINE.

Over their french fries and wine, Siggy tells Jacqueline that she and Teresa are going to take their daughters rock climbing in a few days, and that she plans on asking Teresa about the tabloid rumors regarding her marriage. Jacqueline is like, “Oh, wow, yeah, don’t … don’t do that. But if you do that, please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t mention me. I’m begging you.” Siggy refuses to promise anything, eats more french fries, drinks more wine.

Later, Siggy harasses her children, demands that her 13-year-old daughter wear actual clothes before leaving the house, LIKE SOME KIND OF TYRANT.

james-harden-rockets-eyeroll

Meanwhile, Dolores’ grown daughter gives a guinea pig a bath on the living room coffee table, as you do, and talks about how she wants to pull baby cows out of their mother’s figas with her hands. Dream big, Dolores’ Daughter!

So, apparently Laurita, having lost all of his money betting that people would want to drink water that looks like squid ink, has decided to go into another food-related business: this time popcorn for autistic kids. NOW I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE I’M BEING MEAN, but this is actually how he pitches it to the creative agency who is working on product design. I’m not lying. This is not a lie. Laurita explains how hard it was to find a snack for his autistic son and how this new popcorn — Little Kernels — is GMO- and gluten-free, but also fun! And autism-positive somehow! But fun! And then he yells at the creatives for designing a bunch of militaristic packaging as not being “fun” enough. I hope we follow this storyline very closely — I just don’t know that I’ll be able to sleep at night until I know whether or not Laurita ultimately decides to use camouflage on the packaging for his autism popcorn or not.

So Teresa meets Siggy and Dolores for a moms and daughters rock climbing date and — OH MY GOD, TERESA BRINGS WITH HER THE ELUSIVE SFOGLIATELLE! THE ELUSIVE SFOGLIATELLE CAME DOWN OUT OF THE TREE!

elusive-sf-rhonj

I thought for sure the reason The Elusive Sfogliatelle is never on the show is that her lawyers refused to let her sign a contract with Bravo, but between this appearance and her appearances on the special episodes Bravo did while Tre was in the meatball clink, I guess they must have negotiated terms.

Not that The Elusive Sfogliatelle says a single thing in this one scene she is in, but still!

Anyway, while the girls climb the rock wall, Siggy just flat-out asks Teresa if the tabloid rumors she’s been seeing about Teresa and Meatball’s marriage falling apart are true, and Teresa — to her credit — remains perfectly calm while dismissing them. Teresa laughs that had Siggy asked her that a few years ago she would have been deeply offended, and Siggy is like, “Oh, I know — that’s what Jacqueline said.” “WHAT DID JACQUELINE SAY,” a suddenly panicked Teresa demands.

ALERT! ALERT! REMOVE ALL TABLES AND PROJECTILES FROM THE AREA!

But Siggy defuses the situation by assuring Teresa that Jacqueline said that the rumors about the Meatballs’ marriage were untrue, too. Teresa sighs in releif, and with that, she has to leave and return to meatball home jail.

STAND DOWN. THE SITUATION IS UNDER CONTROL.

Finally, the grand opening of Melissa’s boutique. Melissa’s sorellas stop by her house to talk about how proud their dead father would be of her and make her cry while she has her makeup done. Which, ha! Good prank, sorellas!

At the boutique, Laurita tells Folletto that he’s looking forward to seeing Meatball at the grand opening festa; that there was never any bad blood between the two of them, just the mogli. But then Teresa ends up bringing Gabagool to the grand opening festa and not Meatball, who went to his nonna’s birthday festa instead, leaving Laurita a little deflated.

The grand opening happens even though it seems like the only people there are the cast members and Melissa’s sorellas and Kathy and Rosie. Melissa thanks everyone, including her unsupportive husband, for what, exactly, I am not entirely clear. Not investing in her company? Refusing to help out with his own children? Insulting the idea that she might have ambitions of her own? Trying to dash her dreams? THANKS, HONEY, YOU’VE BEEN SUPER.

worlds-best-husband

The episode actually ends, however, with a brief disgusting scene wherein Teresa clips Meatball’s toenails.

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Teresa then pointedly tells Meatball that while she knows he definitely IS NOT cheating on her and DID NOT cheat on her while SHE was in meatball jail thanks to HIS SHENANIGANS, that she has a zero tolerance policy on cheating and that there will be NO FORGIVING, he gots that, right? “Mmmmm…” Meatball groans in the most neutral non-affirmation/non-negation I’ve ever heard. It’s almost like he has a gift. It’s almost a superpower.

Laurita calls and invites the Meatballs over for dinner, as they haven’t seen one another in a while, and Meatball happily accepts. Teresa insincerely says that it was nice of the Lauritas to invote them over before noting that the last time she was at Jacqueline’s was when the big fight on the back porch happened. Yous forgive, but yous never forget.

Oh, and we’re subjected to this:

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i just want it to stop office jim.gif

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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