‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Run the Jules

The Real Housewives of New York
Reunion, Part 2
September 7, 2016

We begin the second half of the reunion with an update on Bethenny’s health: the surgery she should have gotten in the first place went well and she’s perfectly great you guys, no more gushing blood from her lady parts and passing out in Bed Bath and Beyonds, it’s all good. 

A viewer asks how scared she was upon hearing the word “hysterectomy” which causes Bethenny to start crying about her mother not being in her life for some reason. We also learn that Ramona is surprisingly nurturing, and by nurturing, they mean “She calls everyone, constantly, about everything.”

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Another viewer asks Bethenny if her health scare is what drove her to reach out to her estranged mother — something I don’t exactly remember being mentioned on the show, but sure, whatever — and Bethenny clarifies that actually her daughter Bryn asked to meet her grandmother. The reunion has not happened yet according to Bethenny on the same evening’s Watch What Happens Live! and here’s to hoping cameras are there when it does. (But because Bryn is involved, that’ll never happen.)

Andy Cohen mentions that Bethenny had another “huge” moment recently when she went by the old apartment that her ex has finally vacated. We are then treated to shaky phone footage of Bethenny walking around said apartment, sobbing and wailing at empty shelves and a bathtub. OK.

A viewer asks why she changed her mind about possibly marrying again, and Bethenny explains that when you’re in a relationship you have to make concessions and compromises to accommodate the values that the other person holds dear to them. And if you find a man who finds you funny even when you are screaming at a former countess that she is a dirty whore while at a Christmas slumber party, you do what you can to keep him.

Next is a Jules montage: I don’t know if you guys know this, but she’s Asian but also Jewish BUT! she has an eating disorder AND her husband is an asshole.

Andy Cohen begins with the divorce, noting that there have been allegations of cheating and that her asshole husband claims she physically abused him, but she waves that away by insisting that you can’t believe everything you read.

A viewer asks why Jules joined the show if she was already having marital problems like Bethenny alleged on Watch What Happens Live! that one time. Jules half-heartedly denies this, while Bethenny shrugs that that’s what she heard, and Dorinda flaps her hands and demands that everyone stop talking about this IMMEDIATELY. RESPECT WHAT JULES DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

Jules is asked if she regrets going public about her eating disorder, to which the answer is obviously “of course not,” has there ever been a reality star that regretted having a victim card to play at every opportunity? Come on.

Another viewer asks where Jules is in her recovery, and she explains that recovery is not a linear process but that she’s doing better than ever. Bethenny, who honestly should just stay out of it …

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…complains that Jules was sending conflicting messages about her therapy, which, on top of the silverware calzone, made Bethenny and Princess Carole concerned about Jules’ overall mental health. Jules explains that she was just trying to have fun when she shoved a bunch of forks into that pizza crust: her marriage was in shambles, her vagina was busted, her eating disorder was returning, JUST LET HER HAVE THIS ONE WEIRD THING.

A viewer asks Bethenny about her mother and being “triggered” by Jules’ disorder, and Bethenny rather hilariously tries to claim that she was “so quiet” about it and basically she suffered in silence, you guys. Jules points out that actually Bethenny was talking about her eating issues from the very first episode and never stopped, so, no, that’s not accurate. At all.

A viewer asks Princess Carole how she could let Bethenny turn her into a mean girl, but Her Highness is like, “Oh, honey, I didn’t need Bethenny to turn me into anything. I got there well on my own.”

A viewer asks about Jules making jokes about the other women’s ages which leads to something of a pile on, including Princess Carole complaining that Jules compared them to her mother and her friends. Dorinda comes to the rescue, pointing out that Her Serene Highness is what, 52? 53? to Princess Carole’s horror.

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Another viewer points out that Bethenny made jokes about being a homeless person, but she gets bunched up when someone else suggests that she takes menopause meds? To which The Countess begins grousing that Bethenny can dish it out but not take it.

Andy Cohen asks Jules why she snapped at that one dinner and began screaming at Bethenny (for things that Princess Carole actually said and did), and Jules points to Dorinda, saying that she encouraged her to “speak her truth.”

Bethenny then chooses to go on a weird rant about how Jules represents Jewish New York women poorly: what with the $2,000 potty trainer and the washing her hands in the ice water and the asking a nanny if she’d wait in sample sale lines. And honestly, as a viewer, I too found all of these things to be stereotypical behavior … of rich privileged Real Housewives. Just tell me you couldn’t see Cary on Dallas bragging about hiring a $2,000 potty trainer, come on.

Sonja protests that Bethenny can’t say these things; Bethenny disagrees.

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Andy Cohen moves on to Dorinda being a meddler to which Dorinda basically shrugs and is like, “Whaddya gonna do, right?”

There’s a weird moment when Dorinda becomes REALLY ANGRY at Princess Carole for saying that the ghost of Dorinda’s husband haunts her Berkshires home, to which Her Sereness is like, “Sorry? I guess? But it was a joke at Bethenny’s expense? But I’m sorry? If that’s what you need to hear? Even though I’m not, really? And I don’t literally think your husband is haunting anything?” Dorinda then hisses at Princess Carole for being better friends with Bethenny than anyone else on the cast, and Bethenny and Her Highness are both like, “But, I mean, that’s how relationships work, though.”

At one point, Sonja wakes up and begins yelling about people going out to lunch without her, but it’s unclear what this has to do with anything, frankly.

The final topic of this hour: The Countess and Fiancé Tom (and Ramona and Sonja and some random former Playmate).

A viewer asks The Countess why, after her previous whirlwind marriage ended, she thinks this relationship will be different. The Countess, with her supreme lack of self-awareness, explains that she “knows when she knows” and that she is “instinctual.” Somewhere, Viewer lets out an exasperated sigh and asks “and how’d that work out for you?” before taking another gulp of her Malbec.

Another viewer asks The Countess about losing her title (YOU’LL ALWAYS BE THE COUNTESS TO ME, COUNTESS), and she tells some cute story about how Fiancé Tom pointed out that she was going to be marrying a commoner and she assured him that there was nothing common about him. To which Bethenny smirks, “Oh, he has a couple of things in common.”

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A viewer then asks Ramona to clear up exactly how many dates she and Fiancé Tom went on, as it seems to be up for debate. Ramona begins counting them out, getting up to around four or five. Meanwhile, The Countess huffs her terrible huffs and gnashes her terrible teeth and rolls her terrible eyes and shows her terrible claws, all the while insisting that it was only one date, Fiancé Tom said so.

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After Ramona shows The Countess a photo on her phone of the heart with their initials inside that Fiancé Tom drew on her hand on one of their dates, The Countess sniffs that it was no big deal and wonders why everyone seems to have so much invested in this Fiancé Tom and Ramona story. Andy Cohen calmly explains that Fiancé Tom said in an interview that he only went out once with Ramona — on a group date, no less — and this is clearly a lie. So: 1. Why would Fiancé Tom lie about something that is so easily disproved and 2. What else is he lying about? The Countess, for her part, is not interested.

A viewer asks Sonja if she ever thought there could be something more with Fiancé Tom, and Sonja insists she didn’t, that she thought he was an “eternal bachelor” (which is very different from a confirmed bachelor, just for the record). As The Countess rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath, Sonja explains that she did feel a little sad at losing her “lover” and was hurt that he sent her a “Dear John” text instead of telling her in person that their “arrangement” was hereby null and void.

The Countess insists that Sonja and Fiancé Tom only slept together one time, but Sonja tells her this is untrue — they have been to each other’s houses, and she’d put the number somewhere around five times. To this, The Countess sneers that Sonja can’t even remember how she gets home at night, why should anyone believe her about this?

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The Countess then begins shouting that SHE IS GETTING MARRIED, FIANCÉ TOM IS HER SOULMATE, THIS THING IS HAPPENING. Andy Cohen asks The Countess how she felt when she watched Sonja become sad over losing her relationship with Fiancé Tom, and The Countess tells him she felt “sad” for Sonja and that she hopes one day Sonja herself finds someone to marry. For reasons that remain unclear, Sonja then gets up and hugs The Countess instead of taking off her heel and stabbing her in the head with it for calling her a lying drunk slut on television. As Bethenny mutters under her breath while these two embrace, “What a weird universe.” Truer words, Bethenny.

A viewer asks The Countess why she didn’t tell Ramona and the other women she was seeing Fiancé Tom, doesn’t that break The Girl Code? The Countess claims that she didn’t want to ruin the relationship before she even knew what it was by telling everyone about it. Ramona, however, demands to know why The Countess didn’t ask her if she was still dating Fiancé Tom — seeing as she knew they had been seeing each other since it was written about in a very pro-Fiancé Tom article in Radar that The Countess herself told Ramona about. In fact, it was so pro-Fiancé Tom, that the ladies wonder if he himself didn’t plant it. The Countess scoffs at the notion: why would Fiancé Tom plant an article about himself in Radar? To which Bethenny points out that a man who dates three Housewives isn’t afraid of the limelight, before calling her “Lie-Ann,” and Andy Cohen literally has to stop himself from high-fiving her.

Andy Cohen notes that Sonja and Fiancé Tom’s moment together at the engagement party was painfully awkward, which The Countess takes exception to. WHY WOULD IT BE AWKWARD? THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE AWKWARD ABOUT. THEY ONLY SLEPT TOGETHER THE ONE TIME, WHY WOULD THEY BE AWKWARD?

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Sonja calmly explains again that she has been in Fiancé Tom’s bed and he’s been in hers. Sonja then announces that Fiancé Tom ordered her to say that they had only slept together once, or she wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. And why no one points out that this is pretty much the exact same thing Fiancé Tom did with Dorinda — trying to get her to lie for him about the make out session with the Playboy Bunny — shall remain a mystery to me, but let’s just say Fiancé Tom has an modus operandi.

As the hour comes a close, Andy Cohen asks the ladies if they think The Countess will get married on New Year’s Eve, and everyone gives a half-hearted “Yeah, I guess,” because what else are you going to say? If The Countess took him back after seeing a photo of him with another woman, and if The Countess believes in the face of all the evidence that he only went out with Ramona once, and only fucked Sonja the one time, what could possibly dissuade her from marrying him at this point? But honestly though?

Round Two: Sonja.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. on Bravo.

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