‘The Bachelorette’: Written in the sand

The Bachelorette
June 20, 2016

So, remember how 14 days ago, our plucky romantic heroine, Jojo the Unicorn, took Chad the Villain and G.I. Joe out to the woods on the dreaded 2-on-1 date where she confronted Chad the Villain about being a terrible, horrible human being and left him in the wilderness to fend for himself?

unicorn boy bye

Yeah, well, you didn’t think Chad the Villain was just going to pack up his protein powder, weight belt and go home after being eliminated, did you? Of course not. Instead, Angry Bear announces he’s going to go find G.I. Joe and, well, he leaves that part unsaid, but presumably he will make unspecified threats and lunge at him menacingly, but impotently.

Meanwhile, back at the testosterone corral, the other man-apes have figured out that Chad the Villain was eliminated and have a mock funeral for him, spreading the remains of his protein powder as if it were ash. And it’s pretty funny! Up to the part where All-4-Wells yells, “DEATH TO TYRANTS!”

Fun fact! That’s basically what John Wilkes Booth shouted as he assassinated President Lincoln. Cool reference, bro.

Later that evening, Chad the Villain does not find G.I. Joe who is busily enjoying the 1-on-1 portion of his date with Jojo, but instead returns to the hotel to terrorize the other man-apes one last time. Chad the Villain explains to the man-apes that he was kicked off the show because G.I. Joe talked about him and that Jojo the Unicorn “thinks [he’s] too intense or something.” Putting it mildly, dude.

Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother decides that he will be the spokesman for the group and apologizes to Chad the Villain if it seemed to him like they didn’t understand him, trying to lead Chad the Villain into making some apologies of his own. It does not work. Instead, Chad the Villain blames everyone else for making him “get physical.” And I have to pause here and say that I so hope all women who come into Chad the Villain’s life in the future who consider dating him watch this season of The Bachelorette and make other choices, because this is what an abuser sounds like, ladies. This is classic abuser speak. It’s never his fault, it’s always yours, you “made” him hurt you. I’m not saying that this guy has ever hurt anyone in the past, I’m just saying this sort of mindset is so very dangerous.

Anyway, Chad the Villain and Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother share a tense handshake where Chad the Villain tries to crush the former quarterback’s hand, because that’s just the kind of guy Chad the Villain is. And, just as Chad the Villain is about to walk out of all of our lives forever*, Boner pipes up, demanding to know where the money is for his ripped t-shirt.

i want my two dollars better off dead

Later, when G.I. Joe returns to the man-ape holding pen, he is hailed as a hero. They’ve backed him cupcakes? Which they smash his face into? Instead of eating the delicious cupcakes? Where’d they get the cupcakes? And they have sparklers? Who put this whole party together? Anyway, everyone calls him the “slayer of dragons” and pick him up on their shoulders which is really easy to do because he is roughly the size of a Cabbage Patch Doll.

*Oh, but don’t worry, our dragon is not actually dead, merely relegated to the consolation cesspool that is Bachelor in Paradise. Because there was no way the Producers were going to let go of this gift from the Television Gods. Let’s hope that some of the women in the cast read this blog or recognize the warning signs of an abuser.

However, what we have now is a villain vacuum, and this is stressing out those we will kindly refer to as our less dominant contestants. As we go into the rose ceremony party, Boner and All-4-Wells and Rocky worry and worry and worry that they are not getting enough time with Jojo the Unicorn, while Cowboy Luke and G.I. Joe, who both have roses, keep interrupting her conversations with the roseless, and Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother just cold takes her into the next room and shoves his tongue down her throat.

Rose time!

Rose #1: Charlie Brown’s Teacher
Rose #2: Fun Robby
Rose #3: Yab Yum
Rose #4: All-4-Wells
Rose #5: Fireman Grant
Rose #6: Toasted
Rose #7: James Taylor
Rose #8: Boner

Which means we are saying goodbye to Rocky, that one big doofy dark-haired guy whose name and backstory you never learned, and Lucifer, who, on his way out has a moment of clarity, noting that his elimination must have had something to do with his personality, before declaring he couldn’t have been eliminated because of his looks or his body. Lucifer then philosophically muses that he knew that his chance with Jojo the Unicorn was equal to the chance of him being “struck by lightning while … you know … … … … shaving [his] face.” Oh, Dum-Dum, I’m actually going to miss you.

unicorn boy bye

Jojo the Unicorn then announces they are all leaving first thing for URUGUAY!!!!!!!

Wait, Uruguay? Really? Why?

uruguay simpsons

Upon arrival, the men marvel at their hotel room with a “360° view of the ocean” which … isn’t possible? And the first date card is delivered: “Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother: Let’s seal the deal. HEART SIGN, Jojo the Unicorn.”

Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother and Jojo the Unicorn frolic on a boat and then frolic with seals, before going to dinner where Jojo the Unicorn is like, “Alright, enough frolicking. Here’s the deal: before this season began I met an ex-girlfriend of yours who told me you were a cheating cheater. What do you have to say for yourself?” Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother, clearly not expecting this, stares at her gape-mouthed for a while before mumbling something about prioritizing sportsball over his relationship and that he didn’t actually “physically” cheat, whatever that means, he was just immature and by the way, has he mentioned that he thinks he might be falling for Jojo the Unicorn? And with that, she offers him the rose because of course she offers him the rose, she’s going to offer him ALL of the roses.

Meanwhile, DRAMAZ! Back at the hotel the man-apes have somehow managed to get their hands on an Us Touch Weekly that has a whole story from Jojo’s ex-boyfriend, Chad, claiming she is still in love with him.

laughing anchorman lol

First of all, FIRST OF ALL, how did these men get a hold of this tabloid in Uruguay? They can’t have cell phones or a newspaper, but they can have all the celebrity gossip magazines they want? Second of all, why, WHY, would any of these morons take this story seriously? For starters, no one should take the word of anyone’s ex seriously, but supposing that we did, if she were so in love with this Chad, why would she bother being The Bachelorette? For the glamourous all-expense paid trips to suburban Pittsburgh? Come on.

But the man-apes make very serious faces and pass around the magazine and worry about What It Means because they are idiots walking into a non-drama manufactured by The Producers desperate for some sort of narrative.

Oh, and the group date card arrives: “Cowboy Luke, Charlie Brown’s Teacher, Yab Yum, Boner, James Taylor, Toasted, All-4-Wells, G.I. Joe: I can’t sand to be away from you. Jojo the Unicorn.”

So Jojo returns to the hotel where The Producers greet her with a copy of the magazine and she proceeds to freeeeeeeeeeeeak out. Sobbing, yelling, cursing Ex-Chad’s name, never once asking why The Producers gave it to the man-apes in the first place. She then marches down to their room where she announces that it’s all a bunch of bunk and to pay no attention to any of it. They all agree and reassure her that she is the very best. And with that, our non-problem solved.

The next day, the group date goes sandboarding, before heading back to the hotel for the afterparty. There, Charlie Brown’s Teacher makes some whiny noises about how she took him on the first 1-on-1 but doesn’t pay any attention to him anymore — or at least I think that’s what, “wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah” translates to. So Jojo the Unicorn gives him the rose to make his fee-fees better, enraging tiny little G.I. Joe who is working on filling that Chad the Villain-shaped hole in our lives.

Back at the hotel, Fun Robby receives his date card: “Fun Robby: Love is within our reach.”

The next day, Jojo the Unicorn meets Fun Robby at this terrifying sculpture:

hand sculpture uruguay
OH HELLS NO. (imgur.com)

They then walk around town for a while before going to some cliff for a little cliff diving because someone on the Bachelor staff would find themselves fired if we went an entire season without making a visual metaphor out of “taking a leap of faith” or “diving into love” or whatever tired, dried-up relationship cliché you’d rather here.

They then go to dinner where Fun Robby tells her that his best friend died in a car crash and, by the way, he is totally definitely falling in love with her. I guess the thinking here was that if the sob story didn’t earn him the rose, being the first guy to tell her he loves her would? Is that the game here? In any event, it works, and she offers him the rose and then they go watch some fireworks together. So many Bachelor clichés on one date!

Back at the hotel, G.I. Joe gives Charlie Brown’s Teacher grief for how he earned the group date rose, and Charlie Brown’s Teacher allows it to bother him, complaining that, “wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.”

And THEN, before the rose ceremony begins, Charlie Brown’s Teacher takes a few of the men aside: G.I. Joe and the triplets: Aaron Rodger’s Younger Brother, Fun Robby and Yab Yum, to whine at them that they are being mean girls. “Whatever, dude,” they collectively say.

Finally, the rose ceremony — and oh by the way, just go ahead and line up, because Jojo already knows which of you mesomorphs she’s sending back to the States:

Rose #1: Cowboy Luke
Rose #2: Yab Yum
Rose #3: G.I. Joe
Rose #4: James Taylor
Rose #5: All-4-Wells

And so, goodbye, Boner. I hope you get your $20 from Chad the Villain one day, but I wouldn’t count on it. Goodbye, Fireman Grant. Maybe Everlasting is casting? And goodbye, Toasted, and please stop crying. We don’t even know who you are and you’re making us all very uncomfortable.

unicorn boy bye


The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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