The Real Housewives of Dallas
June 19, 2016
Get the couches and flattering lighting ready, y’all, it’s reunion time for The Real Housewives of Dallas.
Andy normally begins these reunions by greeting each of the participants and then complimenting them on their clothes or jewelry or haircut or new face, whatever. However, with our Dallas housewives, Andy chooses a different, far more entertaining route, commenting on: LeeAnne’s remarkable overuse of blush; Brandi’s “Jesus Juice;” whether Dr. Husband picked out Cary’s outfit for her; and he asks Stephanie if her husband gave her a list for chores for the reunion.
Andy then notes that some people objected to these particular ladies being the representatives of Dallas, to which LeeAnne sniffs that only politicians should be considered representatives, she’s just here to entertain. Oh, honey, that’s not what Andy is referring to. What Andy is referring to is that no one has ever heard of you people. What Andy is referring to is that you are not of the same caliber of personality or socialite as your Sonja Morgans or Lisa Vanderpumps or Yolanda Fosters or Bethenny Frankels or NeNe Leakes. What Andy is referring to is that actual people who do actual charity work and actually live in Dallas wonder where on Earth you people came from.
But we must Real Housewives with the housewives we have and so Andy moves on, beginning with Stephanie’s husband’s stupid chore lists. A number of viewers have questions: “Girl, really?” and “Are you kidding me?” and “Do you even have a spine?” and “Do you know it’s not 1964 anymore?” and “May I offer you some suggestions as to where you should shove those lists?” But then Stephanie waves around her $75,000 bracelet and she’s like, “Don’t care. Worth it.”
Andy finally asks the question we’ve all been wondering: What is it, exactly, that Whathisbutt does for a living? Stephanie explains that her husband’s family owns the country’s “largest wood manufacturing locker company.”
Well, that clears everything up.
It’s then revealed that Brandi used to work for Whatshisname right after she graduated from college, haaaaaated it, called him the “biggest a-hole” and quit not long after. Sounds like Whosit is a treat both at home and at work!
Andy then moves on to the overarching theme of the season: poop. Why so much poop? WHY? Stephanie tries to blame it on being the mother of two boys, but as the mother of two boys myself, I have to call a big NOPE on that. Nope nope nope. I manage to get thought most of my days without ever discussing feces with my children, much less my friends. So, nope, I reject that explanation.
Andy reveals that Brandi’s daughters have been kicked out of their Christian preschool because of their mother’s behavior on the series, most especially for calling wine “Jesus Juice,” thus making a “mockery of the holy sacrament.” Every part of this story — Brandi calling wine “Jesus Juice,” her daughters going to a Christian preschool, the Christian preschool being horrified by “Jesus Juice,” and kicking the 3-year-olds out for their mother’s behavior — is 1. the most Texas thing ever and 2. not surprising in the least.
Andy turns his attention to Tiffany and her “racy past.” Tiffany clears up that she did not star in porn, thankyouverymuch, just a little Skinamax. While most porn features boobs, not all things that feature boobs is considered porn — that is unless you are running Brandi’s kids’ former preschool.
A viewer asks LeeAnne if she thinks Officer Boyfriend won’t marry her already because he’s afraid her “carnie side will rear its ugly head.” Andy piles on, adding that LeeAnne and Officer Boyfriend getting married “seems like it’s not going to happen.”
Andy asks LeeAnne about her charity work which she explains she treats like a job, doing something for one charity or another on a “daily basis.” A viewer asks Stephanie if she was referring to LeeAnne when she said there are some “egomaniacs” in the charity world, and Stephanie’s like, “YEP!” before going on to explain that LeeAnne seems to make it all about her. “Charity is inclusive not exclusive,” Stephanie adds, and she’s not wrong.
Another viewer asks Cary about her comment to LeeAnne about pretending to be a socialite, and Cary’s like, “Yep, said it. Meant it.” Cary then adds that she is pretty sure LeeAnne spends so much time in the “charity world” as a means of upward mobility and personal gain. LeeAnne takes this about as well as one might expect, protesting that SHE DOES CHARITY EVERYDAY AND DOESN’T “CUT ON TITTIES” FOR A LIVING. Cary explains that all she meant is that LeeAnne is not the “real deal,” born and raised in an important Dallas family like the Hunts or Coxes. LeeAnne counters that SHE WAS IN D’ANDRA SIMMONS‘ WEDDING. SO THERE. And while LeeAnne and Cary argue over who attended what part of this “D’andra Simmons” person’s wedding, Google searches for “D’Andra Simmons” suddenly spike.
Andy asks LeeAnne about the part of “her story” where her fiance tried to kill her? What’s that now? LeeAnne tells a very scary bit of business involving an ex-boyfriend who threatened to kill her and then tried to act on it, chasing her through the neighborhood and beating her on the neighbor’s lawn until some stranger convinced him to stop. However, because he was well-connected in Austin where this apparently took place, he was never arrested or charged with anything. That’s a terrible story! Almost as terrible as LeeAnne’s fake crying!
The only husband who is invited to the reunion is Dr. Husband, who joins the women on the couch and tolerates Andy’s jokey suggestion that he might be interested in exploring drag. “Ha,” says Dr. Husband.
A viewer straight-up calls Cary a gold-digger, and Cary begins to cry and cry and cry and cry. And cry. Cary adds she is tired of this rumor that she’s a homewrecker, she would NEVER go after a married man, that is NOT AT ALL what happened. Andy then points out that while Cary was on Watch What Happens Live, LeeAnne tweeted, “At least I didn’t TAKE my man from a well respected woman!!! And YOU aren’t a NURSE! #FirstAssistant” (I’d embed it but someone appears to have taken the tweet down. MYSTERY.) Isn’t that proof LeeAnne has been going around talking about Cary’s marriage? LeeAnne suggests that it’s proof that people shouldn’t “drink and tweet.”
LeeAnne is all, “Listen, I’m not spreading gossip, but what I heard was that Cary and Dr. Husband had an affair while he was married to his first wife, but he wouldn’t leave First Wife for Cary. So Cary went and married another man, and Dr. Husband got all jealous and finally left First Wife. And then Cary left Second Husband and then Cary and Dr. Husband got married. But I’m no gossip.” Cary, SOBBING, declares NONE of this to be true, but does note that Second Husband up and left her after only three months of marriage.
Cary cries and cries and cries and cries and demands to know why LeeAnne would spread these rumors about her, to which LeeAnne wonders why Cary would spread stories about her not being a real socialite? Cary counters that she DIDN’T SPREAD THOSE STORIES, SHE SAID IT TO LEEANNE’S FACE. Which she did! We all watched her do it! It’s true! And when LeeAnne can’t argue with straight-up facts, she asks Dr. Husband if he needs a tampon. Get it? Because he’s a woman?
Then there’s a lot of talk about that Heidi Dillon woman, and whether or not she actually knew First Wife (apparently not) and whether or not her appearances on the show were just set-ups to attack Cary (of course they were) and Cary and LeeAnne yell back and forth at each other about whether or not Cary is “open” enough with LeeAnne and something about LeeAnne being a carnie and then Cary CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE and just has to get up and go stand over by the cameras because it’s not a Real Housewives reunion until someone stupidly overreacts and storms off the couches.
While Dr. Husband consoles Cary, Andy asks Tiffany what she thinks of this whole mess, and Tiffany sniffs that she doesn’t listen to rumors and she herself asked LeeAnne why she cared so much if Cary and Dr. Husband had an affair, what’s it to her? Brandi adds that if she were at that lunch with Heidi Dillon, she would have shut down the entire conversation, TIFFANY.
When Cary returns to the couch, LeeAnne apologizes for repeating rumors on camera, and asks if she can give Cary a hug. Stephanie, channeling America, bursts out laughing at this, and LeeAnne snaps at her to NOT CALL HER EGOMANIACAL OR WHATEVER. LeeAnne then hugs Cary; Cary passively takes it.
We then move on to Tiffany and Keith Urban Jr. — or “Keith Suburban” as Twitter called him, which is very much better — and Tiffany insists that he HAS to copy Keith Urban’s style, HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY CHOICE. Then they talk about LeeAnne being jealous of her relationships with the other women, yawn.
NEWSFLASH: Plano is still hella mad at LeeAnne’s diss. Stay angry, friends.
Andy turns his attention to Brandi and her garbage fire of a marriage. It seems her husband, Bryan, wasn’t too happy about being on the show and the word “divorce” had been thrown around. But according to Brandi, being on the show revealed just how disconnected they were and how they needed to work on their relationship and good news, they renewed their vows in September, so everything is going to be perfectly great forever. Because nothing says “our marriage is stronger than ever” than renewing your vows.
Then Andy brings That Marie Person out to sit on the same couch with LeeAnne and Tiffany, much to Tiffany’s irritation. Tiffany just “feels energy strongly,” Andy, and she would prefer to be in a “safe space.” LOL, OK.
Andy asks That Marie Person about her cocktail party, and everyone agrees that it was a “bad night.” After a montage, a viewer asks Brandi about LeeAnne taking Cary and Stephanie out to lunch to try to convince them to dump her as a friend. You’ll be surprised to learn that Brandi did not care for that. LeeAnne insists that in the charity world, one is judged the company one keeps, and she was just trying to protect Cary and Stephanie’s reputations. It was for their own good, y’all.
A viewer asks LeeAnne why she attacked Stephanie at That Marie Person’s party, and Stephanie explains that LeeAnne turned on her when she said, “classy” after LeeAnne threw her wine glass. LeeAnne and Stephanie then spend an eternity talking over one another, insisting that the other one let them speak. This ends with no one speaking, and instead, a lot of passive aggressive glaring.
Andy asks Tiffany about shoving LeeAnne, and Tiffany explains that she had been “a rumbling volcano for a year,” defending LeeAnne “all over town.” Andy, unfortunately, does not ask any follow-up questions about what it was that LeeAnne was doing that needed defending, so we’ll just chalk it up to “being LeeAnne.”
Andy asks Stephanie about calling That Marie Person and Tiffany LeeAnne’s “bitches,” and she shrugs it off. Andy then asks That Marie Person if she’s still friends with LeeAnne, and the answer, to put it mildly, is “no.”
A viewer asks about the texts That Marie Person sent Tiffany about LeeAnne, and she claims she was just worried about her friend after LeeAnne stopped eating and bathing. Wait, what? LeeAnne stopped bathing? GO BACK TO THE PART WHERE LEEANNE STOPPED BATHING? But instead, everyone starts screaming at everyone else that they are liars which is neither interesting nor informative.
A viewer asks That Marie Person why she lied to LeeAnne about Brandi talking about her, and That Marie Person claims she did so out of “civility,” which honestly is as good an answer as any. LeeAnne and Tiffany would beg to disagree, however.
After a montage of the Austin trip, Andy asks Brandi about the whole “LeeAnne pooped her pants/in a bag” story and why she brought it up. Brandi explains the circumstances — which are equally ridiculous as she was peeing in the back of the bus — and explains she heard the story from That Taylor Kid. As for how he heard the story, both Tiffany and That Marie Person insist that they weren’t the one who shared it. Andy points out that “in a galaxy of ridiculous conversations” there is no way Taylor could have made up that particular story.
Andy then notes that he “can’t believe he’s asking” LeeAnne this question but, “did [she] poop in a bag?” And LeeAnne clarifies that it was not a bag, it was a basket. Because that makes it better. LeeAnne to her immense credit does seem to have a sense of humor about the actual story itself, but she is FURIOUS with That Marie Person for sharing it, and she goes on to claim that she has thousands of secrets about That Marie Person that she could share with the world but doesn’t. “YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID,” Tiffany helpfully adds.
Andy then turns the conversation to LeeAnne and That Marie Person’s fight in Austin, which everyone agrees was crazy and scary and violent except for Tiffany who continues to insist she slept through it.
That Marie Person asserts that LeeAnne not only threatened to kill her, but also threw a crystal bowl at her, while LeeAnne claims she merely flipped it over. Did it break? Yes, but THAT’S NOT THE POINT. In any event, That Marie Person was frightened enough to take out a restraining order against LeeAnne upon returning to Dallas, after LeeAnne sent her a threatening text. “All it said was ‘Stop talking about me or else,'” LeeAnne whines. Andy calmly explains to her that “or else” is, indeed, a threat.
Tiffany complains That Marie Person has launched an all-out social media war on LeeAnne and herself, posting a YouTube video:
… and hiring a company to “destroy” them on Twitter. Andy asks That Marie Person why she has to pay people to tweet for her, and That Marie Person replies, “I’m over 40, Andy, I don’t do Twitter.”
Andy then wonders where their relationships go from here. While That Marie Person hopes that they can find a way to respect one another, LeeAnne starts talking about her difficult childhood again and how a part of her is “an angry little bitch.” You don’t say.
Then each of the women yammer about how much they’ve “grown” over the course of the season and through their “Christian counseling” and anger management, and with that, Andy says goodbye to “poop talk” and calls it a season. Bye, y’all! See you next season! If there is one!
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.