‘The Real Housewives of New York’: Panty raid

The Real Housewives of New York City
“The Biggest Boob”
April 20, 2016

We begin Part 2 of Dorinda’s Bra Party Nightmare: Revenge of the Boob with Dorinda taking a cigarette break with Jules while inside Ramona ramonas out, trying to figure out how to apologize for telling the entire world that Dorinda’s gross boyfriend talks about taking Viagra and “doing” Dorinda for hours at a time. Maybe a nice cookie bouquet?

Meanwhile, new housewife Jules, marvels that she’s never seen fighting among the “elderly” like this before.

ELDERLY.

Jules returns inside where she and Princess Carole try on “bras” (just a series of tangled ribbons that they tie around their torsos) and talk sneeringly about how the other one is too skinny. Ladies, ladies! You BOTH need to eat a damn sandwich!

When Dorinda returns to the party, Ramona stomps over to her and yells, “I never should have said what I said, it was inappropriate to repeat it, I LEAVE NOW, GOODBYE.” And before Dorinda can even process what has just happened, Ramona has left the party in a puff of self-righteousness and Pinot Ramona. Her Serene Highness is hot on her heels, because, seriously, she didn’t even need a bra in the first place, why was she even here? (Contractual obligations.)

After Ramona leaves, Dorinda rages at her friend’s lack of loyalty and declares that she WILL NOT be staying at Ramona’s Hamptons home that weekend, eating from her table, sleeping in her bed. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Dorinda then calls Fudgie — on speakerphone — to see if he’s coming to pick her up from this disaster already, only to have him launch mid-rant about how “any bitch that talks smack about me…” before she hurriedly takes him off speaker. However, Bethenny heard enough to realize someone (~cough~ Dorinda ~cough~) had told Fudgie that he had been a topic of conversation at the party, and she is a mix of bemused and a tiny bit angry and curious as to who was the rat (~COUGH~ DORINDA ~COUGH~).

As Bethenny jokes that Dorinda should tell him to take some more Viagra and come, ahem, do the lot of them, Dorinda calls Fudgie back and warns him to not come into the party. However, Fudgie hangs up on her and marches straight into the lioness’ den all hopped up on anger and Red Bulls, and by “Red Bulls,” I mean something much stronger and definitely illegal. (Allegedly.) As he bursts into the room, Fudgie is yelling, “HI EVERYBODY! HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING? ISEVERYONEBEHAVINGTONIGHT?” excitedly and insincerely, and Bethenny can not believe what is happening. She has no problem implying that he’s on something, noting that he seems “a little lit up right now,” and pointing out that his face is all red and eyes dilated.

Fudgie, in turn, yells that he is “FRIENDS WITH THE GUY WHO MADE SKINNYCOW, YOU KNOW, THE GUY YOU STOLE YOUR NAME FROM?” Dorinda tries to pull him away, but Bethenny is like, “No, don’t manage him, let’s see where this is going.” While a mortified Dorinda begs with him to stop, Fudgie continues to accuse Bethenny of stealing “Skinny Girl” from “SkinnyCow,” until Bethenny has had quite enough and encourages Fudgie to go do a few more rails. Bethenny then warns him to not talk about her business, while Dorinda pleads with him to just leave. Bethenny points out to Dorinda that this is who Fudgie is, to which Fudgie declares that Bethenny is just jealous of their love because she can’t hold a relationship.

Dorinda then accuses them both of breaking her heart, and when Fudgie tries to make nice with her, she’s like, “NOPE. GET OUT.” But he doesn’t because he’s the worst, and instead he parks himself outside in the hallway, yelling through the door at Dorinda to get her bras and come home with him.

Inside, Bethenny tries to reason with Dorinda, noting that Dorinda seems troubled by her own relationship, and maybe it’s time to admit that she’s not really happy. And Dorinda herself! In an interview! Admits that Fudgie is “aggressive” and she never knows “how far he’s gonna take it,” and that he “actually scares [her] on many levels.”

Jules eventually is able to convince Fudgie to GO DOWNSTAIRS ALREADY, while Bethenny assures a crying Dorinda that everything is going to be fine. But is it? Is it really though? Probably not, because Dorinda heads downstairs and gets into a waiting car with Fudgie and goes home with that nightmare. Oy vey.

The next morning, Bethenny calls Princess Serene to fill her in on everything she missed, and to check in to make sure Princess Radziwill is still planning on coming to Bethenny’s birthday party even though The Countess has invited herself to it. Her Serene Highness sighs heavily that she’ll be there EVEN THOUGH SHE REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO BE, before wondering if it would be a good time to call Dorinda about the bras she left at her party. Yeah, maybe not so much.

Bethenny then heads to her offices where she is working on the promotion of some new products, who cares, the point is this is where she meets with Ramona to discuss the aftermath of Pantygate. Ramona reveals that Dorinda texted her saying that she hadn’t slept and she’s heartbroken at what Ramona did to her, to which Ramona pleaded for her forgiveness again. Bethenny argues that Dorinda is just being defensive because she knows there’s something wrong in her relationship. The women then rehash Fudgie’s craziness, which was crazy, and decide that Dorinda is “hooked” on the “high” of the action and the fun of partying with Fudgie.

Sooooooo… what are you trying to say about Dorinda, Bethenny?

They then decide to call Jules for her opinion on Fudgie’s behavior which amounts to, “Durrrrrrrr…” Ramona and Bethenny are underwhelmed (“She’s a special woman with special needs,” is how Bethenny describes her, which is a New Yorker’s way of saying, “Bless her heart.”). Once off the phone with that brainiac, Ramona and Bethenny decide the thing to do is take Dorinda out to dinner, just the three of them, and talk things out.

Meanwhile, over on The Countess and Lady Morgan Show, the pair shop for a pied-a-terre for The Countess, and the only takeaway is Manhattan rents be expensive! $9,000 a month for an apartment that could fit inside my bedroom twice over? I don’t care how close it is to the Richard Rogers Theater, thanks but no thanks. And that’s not even talking about the $22,000 a month apartment they consider. That’d be $22,000 IN RENT. You rent that, you’re first up against the wall, Countess. Oh, and we also learn that when The Countess first moved to New York, she’d invite random Italian dudes back up her apartment. Guess some things never change. ZING! I CALLED YOU SLUTTY, LUANN! (But in all seriousness, you just do you, lady.)

Like most New Yorkers featured on a Bravo reality show, Jules and her husband also own a home in the Hamptons, because what are they, peasants? They apparently have been remodeling it for some time, and there are no signs that it will be completed any time soon. Look, a necessity like an indoor pool, that takes time, alright? Upon arriving at the unfinished home with the children, Jules and Michael perform a quick shabbat using breadsticks and a Capri Sun, because whaddya gonna do, right? Nishtkefelecht.

Dorinda and Fudgie are staying with them, and will probably be staying with them for the foreseeable future after Fudgie notes that he doesn’t want to sleep in Ramona’s “dirty sheets” anyway. Ugh, this guy.

Dorinda and Fudgie arrive bearing a magnum of rosé and refocused anger directed at Ramona, Dorinda really having doubled down on the idea that Ramona talking about her sex life was worse than a hopped-up Fudgie attacking Bethenny and her business. She bemoans the end of a 20-year friendship, complaining that Ramona attacked her when she was most exposed, and that it was just “mean.” Jules’ husband Michael adds, sympathetically, “et tu, Brute,” and Jules, this dummy, is like, “Do what now?” Worse, she has NO IDEA what Dorinda and Michael are talking about when they’re like, “You know, Caesar? And the Senate? And the stabby stabby? And the ‘Oh my God, Brutus, not you!’ And the Ides of March? COME ON, THIS IS BASIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUFF HERE.” But it’s not ringing any bells for this one, and would someone please shove a chunk of baguette into her face? Does she not understand that the brain actually requires a certain number of carbohydrates to function properly?

Speaking of carbs, the episode ends with Bethenny, Ramona and Dorinda not eating any at their “Let’s Talk This Out” dinner. Bethenny and Ramona bide their time before Dorinda arrives talking about olives and small penises — which apparently have something in common.

Eventually, Dorinda walks in, and she is not playing.

No, they are NOT OK, Ramona, Dorinda can not believe that Ramona would talk about her getting “banged.” (Ramona hilariously protests that she never said Dorinda was getting banged, but that Fudgie said he was “doing” her. LOLOLOL) Dorinda adds Fugie would NEVER say such a thing because he’d rather die than have people know he takes Viagra. IT WAS LOW-CLASS, Ramona. DISGUSTING.

At this point Bethenny jumps in and warns Dorinda to check herself: Fudgie came roaring into that party and verbally assaulted Bethenny, and she still hasn’t received an apology from Dorinda. And Dorinda REFUSES TO SAY SHE’S SORRY.

…Until she does just moments later, because Fudgie was, honestly, really terrible. Bethenny notes that she thought for sure Dorinda was going to dump him after that night, and is shocked that she didn’t. But Dorinda don’t care, she’s sticking with the big “lit-up” whale.

And then Dorinda begins crying about all the rough stuff she’s been through in her life, can’t they just let her have her fat, unpleasant, aggressive, rude, possibly drugged-up boyfriend in peace? And so they all agree that this conversation is over and begin talking about Bethenny’s “swamp crotch” and I’m sure Fudgie will not be a problem ever again, not ever.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesday, April 6th at 8/9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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