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The Bachelorette
July 20, 2015
“The Men Tell All”

Hey, it’s the “Men Tell All” special, where for two hours the eliminated contestants are herded into the Bachelor studio less to “tell all” than to moan, whine, and pout at a woman who has no interest in them. This time with 300% more tweets that include the word “whore!”

But before we can get on with the business at hand — letting a bunch of guys whom we barely remember get one last word in before they fade back into obscurity — we are “treated” to a preview of our next Bachelor-family timesuck: season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise. SPOILER ALERT: There will be crying. We also learn that this nonsense is going to be on TWICE A WEEK, and what they neglect to mention is that they are also adding a live hour-long after-show. Start praying for my liver now.

But onto the “Men Tell All” “special.”

The collection of rejects we have collected for tonight’s pointless reunion show include: Human Garbage, Droopy Dog, Pearland, Princeton, Grandpa Kupah, Corey with an E, Cousin Merl, Car Spokesman, Triceratops, Golden Retriever, Unemployed, Cleetus, Cupcake, That Tanner Guy, Franz, Cousin Max, and Other Ben.

The obligatory “What Happened in the First Half of the Season” montage ends with Princeton on his way off the show calling the rest of the manherd “lames” which is 1. not inaccurate but 2. does not reflect his own lameness and 3. was edited out of the show itself and 4. was only included here to rile up the other men. It works.

That Tanner Guy takes GREAT EXCEPTION to being called “a lame” and argues that while, yes, he made fart jokes, he also had Very Deep Conversations with the other men who will be his friends for life. But because Princeton couldn’t be bothered to get his nose out of his fancy college books and spend a little time with the rest of the lames, he’ll never know just how cool they really were. Maybe his schmancy college should start teaching a few classes on how to not be a jackhole, because that — obviously — is what college is for. ANYWAY, THE POINT IS: That Tanner Guy doesn’t need an apology, but he can’t wait to hear Princeton’s apology to Lenny Bruce, because his exit strategy was just rude.

 

But then? Corey with an E … remember him? I barely remember him and it’s my job to remember him. Anyway, this Corey with an E, he becomes our designated Guy Whom No One Remembers But Who Decides to Not Go Out Without a Fight at the Reunion when he announces that Princeton wasn’t wrong about Lenny Bruce and her inappropriate behavior this season. Other Ben, who spent a month (and one very intimate night) longer with Lenny Bruce than this chucklehead is like, “Wait, who are you again? The Corey with an E in his name, or without?”

But Princeton, he’s legitamitely contrite, both for what he said about the fart-joke-making manherd and for calling Lenny Bruce a shallow slut, and he can not wait for Lenny Bruce to come out during the second half of the reunion to make his amends. To that end he stands up, takes off his jacket, walks out in front of the manherd and proceeds to propose to apologize on what should be the proverbial bended knee.

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Everyone is very confused and laughs nervously as he goes on and on about how sorry he is because he has a mother and he knows that Lenny Bruce has a mother. Or something. It’s unhinged. But, hey, it works, because a number of the manherd get up to shake his hand, including Cleetus, Unemployed and even That Tanner Guy.

Next issue: Triceratops and Unemployed’s love affair that just burned a little too bright for this cruel world. Corey with an E has some thoughts about that, too, you’ll be shocked to hear. He goes on to explain that when he first met Triceratops, he thought he as A Cool Guy, but as soon as Triceratops came back from his one-on-one date with Lenny Bruce, everything changed, he became arrogant and he was no longer A Cool Guy.

Triceratops ignores Corey with an E, because who cares what that nobody has to say about anything, and addresses what he sees as the real topic at hand: whether or not he and Unemployed were in love. Triceratops insists that he came on the show to fall in love with A WOMAN. And that, yes, he and Unemployed bonded, but that’s only because Unemployed reminded him of this buddy he had back home; sorry if that “rubbed people the wrong way.”

 

After a couple other ManApes jump all over Triceratops for being snotty, Unemployed rushing in to defend Triceratops, arguing that whatever Triceratops did, he did as well. Unemployed goes on to explain that the whole calling themselves villains thing was done tongue-in-cheek, and uses air quotes to talk about their hot tub time together, implying that it was unfairly edited. However, Corey with an E clarifies that Unemployed and Triceratops spent four or five hours in the hot tub together which, yes, is hilarious but yet, again, WHO ASKED YOU, COREY WITH AN E? YOU ARE REALLY OVERESTIMATING HOW MUCH ANYONE WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU, COREY WITH AN E.

Anyway, Unemployed explains that he and Triceratops did have long conversations because they were “intellectually curious about each other…”

 

… and their relationship went “beyond the surface level …”

 

… that there was a “lot of meat” to it.

But Grandpa Kupah has to go and end the unintentional euphemism funtimes by interrupting to basically call Lenny Bruce a harlot who wasted all of their time when she brought Wesley Snipes on the show. HOW DARE SHE. EVEN THOUGH SHE DARED TO DO SO TWO WEEKS AFTER GRANDPA KUPAH LEFT THE SHOW IN A BLAZE OF STUPIDITY AND THEREFORE WESLEY HAD NO IMPACT ON HIS CHANCES WITH HER AT ALL.

Cupcake and Unemployed rush to Lenny Bruce’s defense, pointing out that this whole show is about Lenny Bruce looking for a husband, and that she deserves the right to “flip over every stone” in that search. Triceratops joins in, and, in one of the most shockingly feminist moments on any Bachelor franchise ever, points out to Cousin Merl that by telling her that his intuition told him that Wesley (and Triceratops and Unemployed) were wrong for her, he was devaluing her own opinions in favor of his.

I’m not embarrassed to say that I misjudged you, Triceratops. Well done, Triceratops.

We begin the “Hot Seat” portion of the reunion with Unemployed and the obligatory montage of his relationship — whatever it may have been — with Triceratops. Unemployed apologizes for throwing Triceratops under the GoHomeNow Bus, and shrugs that maybe their relationship had something to do with how he “blew it” with Lenny Bruce.

 

Chris Harrison asks the other men how they felt about Unemployed, and Cousin Max gently calls him “an acquired taste,” who was “hard” at first.

 

And you’ll never guess who also has an unbidden opinion on this topic they’d like to share: that’d be Corey with an E, who claims that after Triceratops was eliminated, Unemployed “placated” the other men to get in their good graces, after having alienated them earlier. Unemployed argues back that actually, once the guys got to know him and his sense of humor, they warmed up to him, which is not the same thing as “placating” them. And ohmygod this became so boring, so fast.

Moving on: Franz is the next in the Hot Seat, only because the overlap on the Venn diagram of Bachelorette Fans and Fans of Supraorbital Ridges is so large; not because he actually has anything to say. Things we learn: Franz’s mother is still dead, he thinks The Producers’ funeral prank is why he was sent home, he has still not cried.

Cousin Max joins Chris Harrison and we learn that he finally bought a razor, he listens to the one radio station that still plays The Cranberries, and that he basically knew he was going to be sent home when he was sent home, despite Chris Harrison’s insistence that it was a shocking elimination. It was not a shocking elimination, Chris Harrison. Quit trying to make Cousin Max say he was shocked.

The final ManApe to take the Hot Seat is our next Bachelor, Other Ben, who is going to need a better nickname before January comes around. (I do like Peter Brady, whichever one of you beautiful geniuses suggested that earlier this season.) Chris Harrison kindly reminds Other Ben that he’s been dumped like, so many times, and asks if that makes him insecure? Which, HAHAHAHAHAH, you’re a jerk, Chris Harrison, such a jerk. Yes, I get that this will be Other Ben’s “story” come January, but it’s still pretty jerky.

Other Ben then explains what happened in San Antonio the night Lenny Bruce told Ryan Gosling that he was “the one.” Apparently, Lenny B snuck down to their hotel room without The Producers knowing it, and hung out with them for a good 6 hours. At some point, Other Ben decided to exercise some personal hygiene and take a shower, and when he came back, it was clear that the atmosphere had changed between Lenny Bruce and Ryan Gosling.

And then that’s where we pretty much leave it? Without discussing the fact that he’s the next Bachelor? Which is weird? That’s weird, right? Why wouldn’t they mention it? Is it because they think Bachelor fans’ attention spans are so gnat-like that if they mention the upcoming season of The Bachelor they won’t be able to focus on Bachelor in Paradise? I don’t understand. /overthinkingit

Finally, Lenny Bruce emerges wearing a costume from an adults-only Ice Capades, and sits with Chris Harrison who informs her that before they get to the business of letting the ManApes shame her, they need to talk about how the Internet has shamed her. Seems that some Bachelorette fans Strongly Disapprove of Lenny Bruce having agency of her own body and making adult choices and decided to share their thoughts about it –SHOCKINGLY!– with the Internet. Chris Harrison reads just a couple of the love notes some Bachelor intern found by cross searching “Bachelorette” “Kaitlyn” and “whore” on Twitter, including:

Your the worst #bachelorette ever in history you’re a little #whore so shut your little whore mouth. #slut

Kaitlyn, you need to unspread your whore legs and shut your OLIVIA MUNN WANNABE’S BLACK BOX filthy diseased mouth and OLIVIA MUNN WANNABE’S BLACK BOX off.

Kaitlyn is a selfish whore with no morals and a pathetic excuse for a human being!! She should just crawl into a hole and die … I hope fans break her spirit so that our kids can see that whoring behavior isn’t rewarded … I can’t wait to see Kaitlyn cry like a little BITCH. She’s a dirty WHORE who treats people like OLIVIA MUNN WANNABE’S BLACK BOX!!!

Welcome to the Internet, Lenny B! It’s a super friendly place for women!

Fortunately, the Bachelor studio is a Safe Place and the eliminated manherd and the audience give her a standing ovation for braving the sludgehole that is Twitter. For her part, Lenny Bruce, through a few angry tears, explains that she is most upset by the last of those because that tweeter is a mother, as if that makes it more offensive than the violent misuse of “your” or acting like “unspread” is even a word.

That bit of ugliness out of the way, we turn our attention to the ManApes. In regards to Cousin Max, Lenny Bruce explains that she would have handled their road trip date differently if she knew that it was going to be the last date before the Fantasy Suites, i.e. she would have been a LOT colder to him.

And as for Other Ben, he’s curious why she felt the need to confess that she slept with Wesley Snipes to Ryan Gosling, but didn’t bother telling him. Lenny Bruce doesn’t have a good answer for this — other than “because I knew by then that Ryan Gosling was going to be my final choice” which is, of course, unacceptable — so she artlessly dodges the question for as long as she can, burbling something about how she was afraid Ryan Gosling was going to leave. Chris Harrison is like, “Nice try, but that wasn’t the question. Why didn’t you tell everyone about Wesley?” And Lenny Bruce makes some mushy-mouthed answer about compartmentalizing each relationship but the bottom line is, yeah, she felt like the only person she truly owed a confession to was Ryan Gosling because he was the only one besides Wesley Snipes she was actually invested in. There’s no real mystery here, guys.

 

As for Wesley Snipes, Chris Harrison demands to know what the deal was with their pre-show relationship. Lenny Bruce sighs and explains that they did have a friendly relationship online, and she even joked that she wanted him to step out of one of the limos when the time came. However, when that did not happen, she never expected him to appear halfway through the season.

Car Spokesman stomps his foot that she said that her “husband” was in the room before she brought Wesley Snipes onto the show — and in his defense, he was sent home the week Wesley appeared, which I’m sure made him feel like he was eliminated to make room for that ferret-faced jerk. But Lenny Bruce reminds Car Spokesman that, in her defense, he came onto the show for Clingy. So. You know.

Oh, and hey! Guess who has something to say on the topic? Did you guess Corey with an E? Because Corey with an E has something very stupid to say on the topic, and that something very stupid is that he wants Lenny Bruce to imagine how she would feel if one of them brought some other girl onto the show to date.

And while some guys defend her decision to include Wesley — she was looking for a husband, after all — others, like That Tanner Guy, whine that her whole handling of the situation was poor. So Lenny Bruce, exasperated, is like, “YEAH WELL YOU TRY DATING 25 WHINY BABIES ALL AT THE SAME TIME AND SEE HOW PERFECTLY YOU HANDLE EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DUMB THING.” Fair enough!

Then Chris Harrison invites all the garbage guys she had to send away for being garbage to make amends and apologize for being garbage people, including Human Garbage whose hair has grown unruly to better hide his shame, and who offers Lenny Bruce a rose for some reason.

Lenny Bruce then turns her attention to Triceratops and Unemployed and throws out a few very intentional euphemisms regarding Triceratops being “behind” Unemployed and their Facebook statuses being “complicated.”

Triceratops is not amused.

As for Princeton, he tries to recreate his earlier get-down-on-one-knee apology stunt, only to develop a charlie horse. So he’s forced to stand up, hand her a written apology and fade back into the manherd to be properly forgotten.

We then break out the blooper reel — but longtime readers know I don’t do blooper reels — and then Cleetus puts on a terrifying pigeon mask and chases a terrified Lenny Bruce around for a terrifying minute. With that, finally, we are done.

Join me next week for the finale when Lenny Bruce will finally be able to choose Ryan Gosling to give her a fancy ring and send that weasel-faced Wesley Snipes home, once again, a loser.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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