‘The Bachelorette’: Family nightmares

The Bachelorette
July 13, 2015

Sorry for the delay of this recap, kittens. I was away in New York City marrying two former Tubular writers — Bobby Hankinson and Nathan Venz — and though I thought I was going to continue working on my regular schedule, that didn’t happen because New York City.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Once again, we begin the episode where we left off the week before: with Ryan Gosling in Wesley Snipes’ hotel room, informing him that, “Hey He Who Shall Not Be Named, I don’t like you.” Wesley Snipes notes that he doesn’t really care one way or another, before throwing out the “eskimo brother” accusation again for good measure. Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey He Who Shall Not Be Named, I’m done here,” and stalks out before Wesley Snipes can say anything even more damning. And thus the whole confrontation ends in a big non-event and no one is punched in the face. Unfortunately.

While all this is happening, Lenny Bruce is off to Galway for her Fantasy Suite Date with Other Ben. They meet at a farm? I guess? where, in their matching cable knit sweaters, they ride disagreeable horses, are chased by aggressive donkeys, and terrify a herd of sheep. Or as Lenny Bruce calls it: “the perfect day.”

Later, the couple have dinner in a castle (or really “castle”: I mean, it’s a castle in the sense that it’s a big house that looks a little like Buckingham Palace on account of being designed by the same architect, but it’s not a castle in the sense that it was ever owned by royalty or was fortified against anything besides aggressive donkeys.) and Other Ben reveals to Lenny Bruce that he just celebrated his 26th birthday the week before — making her the older woman at the ancient age of Soon-To-Be-30. He withheld this information because he didn’t want his age “to be a question,” even though a four year age difference is hardly robbing the cradle. Way to internalize weird gender stereotypes about the man needing to be the older one in the relationship, Other Ben.

Lenny Bruce offers him the Fantasy Suite Card despite their disgusting age difference because who doesn’t want some hot young tail, amirite, Every Man on the Planet? Other Ben points out that this whole situation is super weird and thinking about her sleeping with two other guys this week is creepy, which it totally is. But he accepts the Fantasy Suite Invitation because while it bothers him, it doesn’t bother him that much, I mean come on.

Oh, and they both talk about how they’re falling in love with each other, blah blah blah.

 

So, the next day, Lenny Bruce meets Ryan Gosling at a golf course with a bright pink golf shirt for him to wear, because hahahaha, isn’t it hilarious when men wear a girlie color like pink. I guess. I mean, I wouldn’t know, my husband has a closet full of pink dress shirts from a store called Thomas Pink, so we’re not really a family that worries about the notion that pink is a feminine color that a real man would never wear.

ANYWAY, the point is, Lenny Bruce, Ryan Gosling and his pink shirt play the golf and because there is NO WAY to make golf interesting, the couple resort to playing Truth or Dare which ends with Ryan Gosling running around the golf course naked which was in no way The Producers’ idea. Fortunately (depending on how you look at it), the editors happened to have some of Olivia Munn Wannabe’s black boxes lying around from last season of The Bachelor.

 

That evening over dinner, Lenny Bruce  brings up Wesley Snipes– despite actually saying on-camera that the last thing she wants to talk about with Ryan Gosling is Wesley Snipes — but not because The Producers made her, because they would never do such a thing. (Again, have we talked about UnReal on Lifetime and how if you are not already, you should be watching it?) Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey girl, I’m just worried that He Who Shall Not Be Named is not here for the right reasons [insert obligatory Princess Desiree video here]. But hey girl, I confronted him about it, and he just gave me a bunch of smooth talking nonsense (which, can we just pause here and laugh and laugh at the idea of Wesley “Only Got This Nickname Because ‘Mumbles’ Had Already Been Taken” Snipes as a “smooth talker? Let’s laugh at that! HAHAHAHAHAHA!) and confirmed everything I already thought about him.”

Lenny Bruce then asks Ryan Gosling about the whole gross “eskimo brothers” thing because “[she’s] thinking about a husband” and not because The Producers told her she had to. And, again, if it were me, I’d let the whole “eskimo brothers” thing go rather than call attention to the fact that I was actively making these three men eskimo brothers that very week — that very night! — but I suppose cognitive dissonance is a necessary constant state of being if one is to be on this dumb show. The point is, Lenny Bruce gives Ryan Gosling the Fantasy Suite Invitation because they need to “talk about some things off-camera” and by “some things” I mean what is in Ryan Gosling’s pants.

 

So, the next morning Ryan Gosling leaves in what is meant to be in an emotionally ambiguous cloud, only to find Wesley Snipes lurking around waiting for him at the hotel, wanting to talk “man-to-man.” So Ryan Gosling lets Wesley Snipes into his hotel room, but when Wesley Snipes is like, “~mumble mumble mumble~my side of the story ~mumble~” Ryan Gosling just starts yelling over him that, “Hey He Who Shall Not Be Named, if I hear that you’ve been talking about me to Lenny Bruce one more time, I’m going to knock those stupid curls right off your stupid head. So hey He Who Shall Not Be Named, how about you get out of my hotel room right now?” And Wesley Snipes does, because this was no kind of plan.

The horror show that is Fantasy Suite Week finally over, it is time for essentially the final rose ceremony, and Lenny Bruce burbles some nonsense to Chris Harrison about how “different” the men are from one another — which they are! we’ve seen that! — but her descriptions of how they are so different are so vague as to be meaningless (Other Ben is husband material! Wesley Snipes is the full package! Ryan Gosling has it all!), and the entire exercise is a time-burning waste of time.

Then she starts the rose ceremony only to burst into tears and run away because we can’t go a week without her crying over nothing.

Eventually she collects herself and heads back in to deliver the bad, but completely unsurprising news:

Rose #1: Wesley Snipes
Rose #2: Ryan Gosling

Other Ben takes being dumped as graciously as can be expected — which is very graciously since coming in third pretty much guaranteed that he would become next season’s Bachelor.

 

See you in January, Other Ben! Hope you become more interesting between now and then!

While Lenny Bruce puts Other Ben on the bus back to the Bachelor Mansion, inside the castle or wherever they are, Ryan Gosling and Wesley Snipes have a good-natured chat, congratulating each other on making it to the final two. LOL LOL, no they don’t, they just stand there in silence, seething with hatred for one another.

Fun fact: In this clip, Liz Lemon is –hand to God– saying this to WESLEY SNIPES. Because everybody hates Wesley Snipes.

And with that, we’re done with Ireland (and Ireland heaves a huge sigh of relief and takes a shot of restorative whiskey) sent back to the States to meet the families. But we can’t call them the Dreaded Hometowns, because Lenny Bruce is going to no one’s hometown, instead meeting both families in Utah because The Producers would rather fly all twenty-nine Snipes siblings out to Utah rather than go back to Milwaukee for some reason.

First up, Wesley Snipes. Lenny Bruce meets Wesley Snipes and he mumbles something about not having any reservations about their relationship before telling her that he is in love with her. And all that is great and important, but really she should be using this time to extract a promise from him to not slut shame her in the event that she doesn’t choose him.

Meanwhile, in a room more tense than this week’s post-Rose Ceremony chamber, the Snipes family, all ninety of them, sit silently in a hotel conference room with Momma Snipes softly weeping in a corner. At one point, one of the sisters says something about trying to stay positive at which point Wesley Snipes’ niece sister bursts into tears. Great job dragging your family back into this nightmare, Wesley Snipes! They definitely seem very happy to be here!

Wesley Snipes and Lenny Bruce arrive, and Wesley Snipes introduces her to his father, mother, sister, brother, brother, brother, brother, sister, sister, sister, sister, brother, sister, brother, brother, brother, brother, sister, sister, brother, and sister. After the three-hour-long introduction, Wesley Snipes informs his family that he is one of the final two and they are prematurely thrilled to hear that he’s made it so far — you know, exactly as far as he made it last time, and look how well that turned out.

So Lenny Bruce chats with the family, including Older Sister, SisterNiece, 18 Brothers and Momma Snipes. And Momma Snipes, the poor dear, having finally stopped crying for a hot second, declares that she just can’t imagine Lenny Bruce bringing Wesley Snipes this far along in the competition just to break his heart.

Let us know how that works out for you, Momma Snipes.

Wesley Snipes and Momma Snipes then talk privately where he assures her that his relationship with Lenny Bruce is different than his with Andi’s, somehow, and that he is 99% sure Lenny loves him. And then they cry because that’s what these people do. They cry so much. Bye, Family Snipes! Quit crying, Family Snipes!

Lenny Bruce then heads to Park City to meet Ryan Gosling’s family: his dad, two sisters and his aunt, but no mom, because his mother is not interested in appearing on a cheap reality show, thank you very much is busy. Ryan Gosling collects Lenny Bruce and brings her to his family’s hotel room, where he informs them that, “Hey family, out of 25 guys, I’m the last one left … except that He Who Shall Not Be Named who showed up halfway through the show, he’s still in it, too, so technically I’m one of the last two.” Good one, Ryan Gosling! You almost had us there, Ryan Gosling!

Lenny Bruce confesses to Ryan Gosling’s family that they had a connection from the moment he stepped out of the limo, one that she felt deep in her pants heart. Lenny Bruce then chats with the sisters who insist that Ryan Gosling is ready for a serious commitment, and that yes, he’s really “that good.” The sisters then turn around and tell Ryan Gosling that they think Lenny Bruce is “great” based on all 15 minutes they’ve spent with her and everyone agrees that it’s crazy that he could be engaged soon. Of course, being engaged is not the same thing as being married, but I digress.

They have dinner, which Dad Gosling interrupts to take Ryan Gosling outside to ask him, “Hey Son, what the hell is going on?” and Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey Dad, I’m really serious about this girl, she’s changed me as a person. And hey, Dad, she told me I am the one, so, like, chill.” So Dad Gosling is all, “Hey Son, then you have to follow your heart.”

Family blessings taken care of, Lenny Bruce and Ryan Gosling head back to her hotel room where Ryan Gosling is all, “Hey girl, there’s one more thing I have to get off my chest before we can go any further…” Lenny Bruce begins to visibly panic that he’s about to tell her he’s also eskimo brothers with a some of his fellow Mouseketeers and Bianca from Lars and the Real Girl, but instead, Ryan Gosling is all:

 

Good one, Ryan Gosling! You almost had her there, Ryan Gosling!

And then he leaves, and then Lenny Bruce cries and cries and cries and cries and cries. Again.

 

Tonight is the “Men Tell All” special, which means a bunch of montages, bloopers and guys whose names we’ve long forgotten yelling over one another for one last grasp at momentary reality fame. So I’m headed out to go replenish my box wine supply. See you on the other side, children.

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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