‘The Bachelorette’: Truth and bare

The Bachelorette
July 6, 2015

PROCESSING …. PLEASE WAIT …. bacheloretteabc.tumblr.com

Having sent Dr. Cupcake back to the States in a puddle of his own tears, Lenny Bruce turns her attentions to the rest of the manherd, explaining that because the Fantasy Suites are next week, this is now SRS BSNS.

 

And she sends along the next one-on-one date card: “Other Ben: let’s make today unforgettable. –Lenny B.”

To that end, they row themselves over to an abandoned island, Innisfallen, and play hide-and-go-seek among the ruins of an ancient monastery founded by St. Finian the Leper, which I’m sure is exactly what he had in mind for the holy building when he established it in 640. Once they’ve exhausted all the fun hide-and-go-seek has to offer, the pair discuss relationship stuff, and Lenny Bruce tells him that he’s “husband material.” She then asks if she’s “wife material,” and Other Ben is like, “Uhhhhhhh…” No one exactly blames him.

That night, they take over some charming pub where they sit by a fire and drink Guinness out of what look like wine goblets, or just an “ordinary thing” as Other Ben puts it, which seems incredible when he’s doing it with Lenny Bruce. THESE ARE NOT ORDINARY DATES, GUYS. STOP ACTING LIKE THIS IS REAL LIFE.

So on this not ordinary date, Other Ben starts opening up about his fear of being unloved or rejected and all about his ex-girlfriend, because that’s always a fun topic of conversation on a second date. He then tells Lenny Bruce that he’s starting to fall for her, which is what Lenny Bruce needs to hear to bring up the topic of the Fantasy Suites. Clearly not knowing who he is dealing with, Other Ben assures Lenny Bruce that he has no physical expectations for their time together in the Fantasy Suites; he respects her so much, he’d like to spend the evening just talking and getting to know one another better. And Lenny Bruce is all, “LOL, YOU’RE A VIRGIN!” Other Ben assures her he is not actually a virgin, he was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear. And with that, the date ends, and no rose is handed out.

Back at the hotel, the next date card is delivered: “Cletus, Ryan Gosling and Wesley Snipes: Let’s let our love run amok. — L.B.” The men debate what, exactly, the word “amok” means, and whether or not they are going to have to do something in the “muck?” Frankly, I think a three-on-one date is mucky enough, but sure, keep reading too much into the date card.

And in fact, there is no mud run, no pig-wrangling or any other kind of muck. There’s just another castle and the four of them staring glumly at one another out on the lawn. Lenny Bruce explains that “a three-on-one is just as hard as a two-on-one,” which my husband, Mr. T., notes is a sentence rarely heard on national TV or outside The Valley.

Lenny Bruce takes Ryan Gosling aside to talk privately first. There, the two have a conversation about absolutely nothing (“How’s it going this week?” “Hey, Girl, good. Just hanging out.”) and start kissing only to have Wesley Snipes show up, interrupt and take Lenny Bruce away.

 

They mumble at each other for a while. It is uneventful and boring. Something about how Lenny Bruce doesn’t regret sleeping with him except for how she totally does.

Finally, Lenny Bruce takes Cletus aside, where he kisses her and tells her that he’s in love with her, only to receive a sad emoticon in response. 🙁 🙁 🙁 When Cletus picks up that something is wrong, Lenny Bruce explains that she’s just taking in what he said, and he sasses back, “did I stutter?” RETREAT! RETREAT! THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO WELL, L.B., RETREAT!

But Lenny Bruce is here to separate the wheat from the chaff that she does not want to sleep with, and to that end she explains to Cletus that she’s just not feeling it. “OH, IT’S COOL, IT’S COOL,” Cletus keeps saying in a way that makes it perfectly clear that it is 100% NOT COOL. “IT’S BEEN FUN,” Cletus adds in a way that makes it perfectly clear that it has 100% NOT BEEN FUN. When she asks for a hug, Cletus literally says, “I GUESS,” and stiffly receives her while glaring out into space. He then demands to know, “WHAT DO I DO NOW?” a question that seems better suited for The Producers than Lenny Bruce, before announcing that he’s “done with [her],” grabs his moonshine and banjo and stalks off the show forever. Bye?

 

With that, Lenny Bruce returns to the other two men, tells Wesley Snipes that she’ll see him at the rose ceremony, and explains that she needs some more time to talk to Ryan Gosling. Good day, Wesley Snipes. SHE SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.

Back at the hotel, Wesley Snipes pouts.

That evening, Lenny Bruce and Ryan Gosling take over another pub where she explains that she’s nervous because she has something she needs to tell him. She assures him that she knows how important trust is to him, which is why she needs to be completely honest with him: and with that she announces that she had the sexytimes with Wesley Snipes in Dublin. “PROCESSING… PROCESSING… PROCESSING” reads the initial blankness in Ryan Gosling’s eyes before he asks,”Hey, Girl, uhhh … what?” Ryan Gosling then heads to the bathroom to collect himself, fix his hair, and reboot his system.

And when he returns, he is all, “Hey, Girl, thank you for being honest with me. Hey, Girl, I’m not going to storm out of here because I want to be with you, Girl. And, hey, Girl, this all has to be worth it in the end, right?” Lenny Bruce is like, “UH, YEAH? REALLY? YOU’RE COOL WITH THIS? HUH. I DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING.” And with that, the date ends, and no rose is handed out.

Shawn returns to the manherd roseless, but explains nothing to the others, lest he give Wesley Snipes some sort of advantage. However, he does explain repeatedly in interviews that Lenny Bruce had “off-camera time” with “He Who Shall Not Be Named.” And the mere fact he calls it “off-camera time” tells Mr. T and me he’s not ready.

 

But ready or not, it’s rose ceremony time, and this week, we’re heading straight to the roses, bypassing all of the cocktail party nonsense.

Rose #1: Ryan Gosling

But! before he accepts the rose, he asks to speak to Lenny Bruce privately.

 

“WHAT NOW?” Lenny Bruce manages to not shriek in his pretty face. And Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey, Girl, I just need to know why you did the sex stuff with He Who Shall Not Be Named.” Lenny Bruce manages to not answer, “Because I was drunk and horny, why do you think?” but instead blabbers something vague about “exploring relationships” and “going too far” but that he has to “trust [her]” even though she has given him NO REASON AT ALL WHY HE SHOULD TRUST HER. Again, I’m not judging her for sleeping with one of the guys on the show –you do you (and whomever else you’d like) girl — but the fact that she did sleep with one of the contestants does not confer trust, either.

Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey, Girl … uhhhhh… ”

But when they return to the rose ceremony, and she tries again …

Rose #1: Ryan Gosling

… he accepts it because of course he does.

Rose #2: Other Ben
Rose #3: Wesley Snipes

Which means Cousin Max is going home where hopefully he can find some razors and shave that patchy mess off of his otherwise handsome-enough face.

 

And with that, we are off to Cork for the first fantasy suite date, because there is no more structure on this show anymore and nothing makes sense.

So Lenny Bruce meets Wesley Snipes in Cork where they go and sit in a cathedral because this season just can not stop dragging the churches into it. There, Wesley Snipes tells a nonsense story about how a three-year-old made his parents get married or something, and then reveals how old he was when he began masturbating. Cool date topics, bro! They then go to a pub where some Irish men talk gibberish at them.

That night, the pair have dinner in an old jail, which, hey, it may not be romantic, but at least it’s not another church. Over dinner, Lenny Bruce and Wesley Snipes discuss the other men’s hostility towards him, and Lenny Bruce explains that she suspects that they think Wesley has an advantage since they sort of knew each other before the show began. Which, let’s be fair, he did! He totally had an advantage! I didn’t see her sleeping with any of her other one-on-one dates after all!

Wesley Snipes explains that most of the guys have been nice to him and tried to get to know him, but for one, who bragged about being “eskimo brothers” with some country singer. Lenny Bruce is all “EW. GROSS,” even though ironically enough she’s about to make eskimo brothers out of all of them by the time this week of dates is over. I’M SORRY BUT IT IS A FACT.

 

But Lenny Bruce then points out that Wesley’s the only one anyone ever complains about, not this “eskimo.” Why is that, does he suppose? (Even though she pretty much answered her own question earlier.) But Wesley Snipes plays the “I’m not here to make friends” card which is good enough for Lenny, who presents him with the Fantasy Suite invitation.

After Wesley Snipes enthusiastically accepts the Fantasy Suite, Lenny Bruce leads him to a jail cell where two damp mattresses have been placed next to each other, and Wesley Snipes is like, “ALRIGHT, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS. LET’S DO THIS.” But ha? It was just a joke? And instead they go to a proper resort where they have a proper suite where they make the proper sex. Again.

While all of this was happening, Ryan Gosling just sat and stewed. And stared at ducks. But mostly stewed. And so the next morning, after Wesley Snipes enjoyed some bacon — or ham as Americans know it (not a euphemism) — and put back on his shirt, he returns to his hotel room to find Ryan Gosling wanting to talk. Wesley Snipes invites Ryan Gosling in, who is like, “Hey, He Who Shall Not Be Named, I don’t know why you’re here, and I don’t like you.” Wesley Snipes is all, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME,” to which Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey, He Shall Not Be Named, I know that you’re arrogant and manipulative and if she wants to be with you, that’s cool, because we are so different that it means she and I were not meant to be together.”

TO BE CONTINUED!

YET AGAIN!

As for how’s it going with Clingy: James Taylor is headed back to his real life in Nashville, so they have approximately three episodes left before she shows up on Bachelor in Paradise.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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