The Bachelorette
July 27, 2015
WE MADE IT, YOU GUYS! It’s been a long road, filled with hillbillies and crying dentists and fake funerals and terrible rapping and slut-shaming and talk of eskimo brothers and pantlessness, so much pantlessness, but we are here, finally, at the end of another round of The Bachelorette. All that’s left is to shove one last loser into one last You Go Home Limo and for Lenny Bruce to put a giant ring on her finger and we can call it a season. And then we won’t have to think about The Bachelor universe again until January, hooray!
What’s that? Bachelor in Paradise? Sunday? This Sunday? And it’s on twice a week? AND there’s an after show?
We are back in the claustrophobic Bachelor studio where Chris Harrison is making false promises about a “dramatic” and “shocking” season finale. Having seen the finale — and the Instagram post that Lenny Bruce “accidentally” leaked a few months ago — I can assure you that nothing that happens in the finale is particularly “dramatic” nor “shocking.” Awkward? Sure. Borderline aggressive? Yes. But not dramatic or shocking.
In fact, hang on a second while I go get this morning’s fourth cup of coffee to help me get through this recap…
Ha ha just kidding. (But am I? Am I really?)
So we’re back in Malibu where The Bruce Family — Sister Bruce, Momma Bruce, Stepfather Bruce, Daddy Bruce and Stepmother Bruce — meet with Lenny Bruce to hear about her final two men, both of whom she claims to be in love with. “OK,” says The Bruce Family, “Sure.” Lenny B. then reveals that one of the men is none other than Wesley Snipes, and Mother Bruce, who obviously watched last season is like, “OMG, NO, NOT HIM, HE’S THE ACTUAL VERY WORST.” Lenny Bruce then shares with her entire family that she made the sex with Wesley Snipes before the Fantasy Suites, something that all families want to hear all about, before begging them to keep an open mind about Wesley “Slut-Shaming, International Stalker” Snipes.
Wesley Snipes arrives and Lenny Bruce is like, “Hello! Great to see you! So, by the way, my family knows all about how we made the sex in Dublin. Now go impress them!”
Wesley Snipes is not amused.
But in he goes, and after handing over the ritually obligated flowers and wine, the first thing he is asked by Momma Bruce is, “Why are you here?” FAIR QUESTION, MOMMA BRUCE. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, WESLEY SNIPES? Wesley gives some bumbling answer about how he got to know Lenny B. before he knew she was going to be The Bachelorette, and then when it was decided she was going to be The Bachelorette, he didn’t want her to end up with someone else. Or something. Basically, he didn’t want to miss his chance to be with her.
Then over lunch, Momma Bruce is all, “So. Andi. Let’s talk about Andi.” FAIR QUESTION, MOMMA BRUCE. WHAT ABOUT ANDI, WESLEY? Wesley then tries to peddle a bill of goods about how he went on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette basically for the travel, but he came on Lenny Bruce’s season of The Bachelorette for the travel for Lenny Bruce.
So Momma Bruce takes Wesley Snipes aside and explains that she does not like him or the way he conducted himself during Andi’s season, what with the arrogance and the jealousy and the slut-shaming and the stalking, so what’s the deal, why is he really here? Wesley Snipes insists that he is here for no other reason than to try to redeem himself from last season Lenny Bruce, and then he starts crying like a big stupid baby. Momma Bruce is like, “Gawd, stop crying. If she wants to marry you, I’m not going to stop her, I guess, just cut it out with the waterworks.
Then Wesley Snipes asks Daddy Bruce for his blessing to marry Lenny, and Daddy Bruce just kind of shrugs.
Finally, Lenny Bruce walks Wesley Snipes out to the hotel shuttle where he tells her that he cried in front of her mother, and she’s like, “Great. Bye.”
We then cut back to the Bachelor studio where Momma Snipes and Wesley’s Sisterniece are sitting in the audience looking like someone just murdered their dog in front of them.
GEE, I WONDER WHO WINS.
Next up for Bruce Family approval: Ryan Gosling, who shows up with the obligatory flowers and wine but then turns to Sister Bruce and is like, “Hey Girl, I hear you have two little ones. Here’s a present for them from Uncle Ryan.” Sister Bruce dies. She falls flat on the floor and she dies.
Ryan Gosling then explains why he came on the show, and reveals that his sisters insisted that he watch the last few episodes of Farmer Teeth’s season believing that he’d like Lenny Bruce. Sure enough, when Farmer Teeth sent her back to Canad, Ryan Gosling was so smitten that he took a picture of her sad face, drew a heart around it, and sent it to his friends with the caption, “Don’t worry, Lenny Bruce … I’m coming for you.” Which is a weird thing to send your friends? Especially when you’re not a 11-year-old girl and the object of your affection isn’t a member of a boy band hastily assembled on a game show by one Simon Cowell?
They then sit down to lunch, where Ryan Gosling raises his glass and says, “Hey Bruce Family, this is awesome. Let’s do this again some time.” The Bruce Family swoons.
Momma Bruce then takes Ryan Gosling aside and asks him how he feels about Lenny Bruce making the sex with that weasel Wesley, and Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey Momma Bruce, it’s all good. I know that in the end when it is just the two of us — and it will be the two of us, I mean, have you seen me? — we will be exclusive and there will be no trust issues.” Momma Bruce approves of this answer and appreciates that it is delivered without anyone bursting into tears.
Meanwhile, inside, Sister Bruce declares herself to be Team Ryan Gosling, I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?
Ryan Gosling then brings Momma Bruce and Daddy Bruce together to ask them both for their blessing to marry their daughter. They die. They fall flat on the floor and die.
With that, we move on to the final two dates. Lenny Bruce and Wesley Snipes go on the boat date that is a required Final Two Date. For some reason. And nothing happens. Nothing! Nothing happens, nothing interesting is said, nothing is revealed. It’s a nothing date with a nothing love interest. Blah. Noth. Ing.
That evening, they hang out at Wesley’s hotel-cabana-cabin thing and drink white wine and talk about how he stalked her, I mean showed up unbidden in New York and demanded a spot on the show. He announces that he “has something for [her] in the bedroom.” Which, GAH, WESLEY, NOT AGAIN. So they go back to his bedroom and he gives her a picture frame with a photo of the two of them on their date in Dublin and let’s call it a “poem” about her eyes and lips and how he is love with her. She becomes emotional because she knows she’s about to dump him, but he reads it as emotional because she wants him to get into her pants again, and proceeds to paw at her for a while.
~shudder~
The next morning, Lenny Bruce complains that she woke up at 2:30 in the morning, filled with anxiety. Welcome to adulthood, Lenny! It only means less sleep from here!
She then meets Ryan Gosling at some winery, where she goes and ruins the date by being all standoffish and cold and distracted and weird, and Ryan Gosling flatly declares that, “Hey Producers, this is not someone I am going to propose to. Girl needs to get her act together.” (Fair enough, Ryan Gosling. Fair enough.)
But that night, she gets her act together while hanging out with him in his hotel-cabana-cabin whatever, and explains that she’s just nervous because tomorrow she is getting engaged (WAY TO COUNT YOUR CHICKENS, LADY), and her nerves got the best of her. She acknowledges that the process has been particularly difficult for him, and wonders if he’ll be able to watch the season when it airs. He admits that he’ll skip over some parts ~cough DUBLIN cough~ but that he’s not going to miss watching her make out with Cleetus for the world because HA HA HA she made out with Cleetus, gross.
And then Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey Girl, here’s a big jar of stuff.” She is deeply moved by his big jar of stuff.
Finally, it’s Proposal Day which means The Producers steal the mens’ shirts and shove them out on their balconies to stare meaningfully off into the middle distance while they narrate a bunch of nonsense about how they are “ready to spend their life” with this woman they’ve known for a whopping 8 weeks, and how they can’t wait to get down on one knee. Meanwhile, Lenny Bruce flounces around in a skimpy robe while making a Very Serious Face and thinking very hard about how sad it is going to be to hurt one of these two men. Very very sad. So sad for, like, 10 minutes.
We then go through the obligatory Neil Lane Brings a Bunch of Rings, the Men Are Like, “I Dunno, That One I Guess” portion of the show, this time with the added tension of whether or not Neil Lane will even make it to Wesley Snipes’ door seeing as last season, instead of Neil Lane, Andi showed up at his door and sent him packing.
But then Neil Lane shows up at Wesley Snipes’ door. Wesley picks a ring. Wesley bores Neil Lane with a story about how he was sent home last time before he could meet Neil Lane. Neil Lane could not care less.
And then Lenny Bruce stands on her balcony and considers Mary-ing herself. Good UnReal reference, high five! HEY, ARE YOU WATCHING UNREAL ON LIFETIME? YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING UNREAL ON LIFETIME. BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH. HERE: WATCH THEM HERE.
And then we go back to the Bachelor McMansion? For the big proposal? Is the budget that small, guys? No Curacao? Dominican Republic? Thailand? We’re seriously going to go back to the spot where Human Garbage stripped into his underpants and splashed around in the pool on the first night? ROMANTIC.
So Chris Harrison sends Lenny Bruce out into the backyard to go stand by the collection of potted plants and ceramic pots they picked up from a vendor on the side of the PCH and wait for the dumpee to arrive. And unsurprisingly, it’s Wesley Snipes who emerges from the Losermobile.
As he approaches Lenny B., she does nothing. She doesn’t smile, she doesn’t greet him, she barely looks at him. But Mr. Personality doesn’t read the clues, and just barrels straight ahead and begins delivering his big, bumbling speech about how they’d defied the odds and how much he loves her and how he’s hers forever if she wants him and it goes on and on and it never ends and he talks about all the confidence he has in the two of them as a couple and he just keeps going and she NEEDS TO MAKE IT STOP but she only stops him after he’s delivered his whole interminable spiel and is reaching for the ring.
Crying, she says that she’s sorry, but needs him to know that she needed every single moment they had together to make her decision. The only explanation that she has is that her “heart is with someone else.” Lenny Bruce goes on to say that she was in love with him, just not … you know … as much as she was with the other guy. All the sexy time they shared was real … at the moment … and she would not take it back. So chin up!
But Wesley Snipes SHALL NOT HEAR IT, and protests that if she did love him, she’d be rocking his ring right now, so do not give Wesley Snipes this poppycock about “in the moment.” She said she loved him and it was NOT FAIR for her to say that to him and also, too, she took things from him, like … I don’t know, that picture he gave her? Some drinks he bought her in Dublin? … what, exactly, she took from him is unimportant, the point is she took and HE IS MAD. AND BEING REALLY UNPLEASANT.
And with that, she walks him back to the Losermobile. As he drives off, Wesley Snipes throws the ring across the back of the limo and calls himself the “world’s biggest joke.” You said it, Wesley Snipes, not me.
All that’s left is for Ryan Gosling to arrive and propose, which he does: “Hey Girl, let’s get married.” And Lenny Bruce is like, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah Yes.” And then we’re done here, hooray.
Except not really, because we still have the After the Final Rose special to get through, which normally I would be like, “OH BROTHER, AN AFTER THE FINAL ROSE SPECIAL, YAWN,” except that on the last Bachelorette After the Final Rose special Wesley Snipes himself went completely looney toons and basically called Andi a whore in front of Winner Josh and Chris Harrison and God herself so WHO KNOWS what he’ll do this time, right?!
But first we have to drag out the happy couple and watch them suck on each other’s faces for a while, which I’m sure the Momma Snipes and Sisterniece think is just swell.
And then they bring Wesley Snipes out to tell his sad version of his sad story of being rejected. Again. Boo hoo, no one likes me because I’m an arrogant mumbly jerk with an inflated sense of self and an inability to back out of fake relationships gracefully, wah.
Chris Harrison then begins a crusade to make Wesley and Lenny’s pre-show relationship seem more significant in what I can only assume is an attempt to romanticize Lenny Bruce’s decision to sleep with him on their “first date” and defang some of the “slut” charges against her. Probably and especially now that it is clear that she didn’t end up choosing him. Chris Harrison spends the majority of Wesley’s time riddling him with questions about the nature of their relationship before he joined the show, I suppose to prove to the detractors that they had some sort of connection before they had a “connection…”
… and Wesley mostly goes along with the story. Even though he doesn’t need to. BECAUSE THEY WERE TWO CONSENTING ADULTS, WHO CARES WHAT THEY DID WITH THEIR PIECES.
Then they bring Ryan Gosling out, clearly hoping that someone will punch someone. Instead, the men fire some passive aggressive little barbs at one another (Wesley Snipes introduces himself to Ryan Gosling, for instance) before they both agree that their immature fight was 1. bad for Lenny Bruce and 2. edited to look worse than it was.
Lenny Bruce is brought out to tinkerbell music and Chris Harrison peppers her and Wesley Snipes with more dumb questions about their pre-show relationship in one last bid to deslutify Lenny B. Then everyone is forced to watch Lenny Bruce dump Wesley Snipes again, for laffs.
Before he leaves, Wesley Snipes whines that he will never be able to give that proposal speech to someone for the first time again, which, shut up. Write something new for whomever is unfortunate enough to receive your next proposal, you big baby.
And then we are done with Wesley Snipes, hopefully forever this time.
Finally, Lenny Bruce and Ryan Gosling come back out one last time and talk about cyberbullying or something, who cares. Wakes me up when the save the date cards are sent out.
But there is no rest for the weary. Sunday begins another season of Bachelor in Paradise whether we like it or not. Pack your sunscreen, vodka, a case of Kleenex, raccoon spray, and all of the antibiotics, and I’ll see you there.
The Bachelorette will certainly return next summer on ABC because I won’t be so lucky as to see it end in my lifetime.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.