‘The Bachelorette’: That’s Right, You’re not from Texas.

The Bachelorette
June 15, 2015

We begin, as we have with pretty much every episode so far this season, at the moment we left off with in the previous episode — which! spoiler alert! will also happen in the next episode because someone is drunk on cliffhangers this season — with Wesley Snipes arriving at the hotel room and introducing himself to the manherd.

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The manherd is, understandably, unimpressed. Huddled all together over on one couch, they glare and growl at Wesley Snipes who sits awkwardly and alone across from them on the other couch. That one Tanner guy takes it upon himself to speak on behalf of the manherd, and explains to Wesley Snipes that he is not wanted, and they’re pretty sure he’s just showing up this late into the game because he wants his 16th minute of fame, and Tanner reads the InUs Weekly‘s and the OK Radars and he knows that he was hanging out with Andi not a month ago, so what is up with that?

Wesley Snipes says something about how he met with Andi to bury the hatchet, and not necessarily to try to get together with her now that Winner Josh is out of the picture, and that while that all did happen when this season began filming and is definitely the reason why he didn’t begin the season with them, it’s not like Lenny Bruce was his backup plan or anything, the timing was just a coincidence? Maybe?

None of the manherd particularly believes him. And, in fact, Cleetus’ Cousin Merl takes exception to Wesley Snipes calling Lenny Bruce a “cool chick.” WHAT IS SHE? A COOL CHICK OR AN AMAZING WOMAN? ANSWER THE QUESTION, WESLEY. Wesley Snipes is like, “I dunno, both?” thereby outwitting poor, dumb Merl. Sadly, this is not Merl’s dumbest moment of the episode somehow.

Wesley Snipes explains that he and Lenny Bruce began texting and tweeting during Farmer Teeth’s season, and that he hopes the other manapes can understand and respect his — and her — decision to see if their connection is real. The manherd glares.

But too bad for them, because it’s time for the rose ceremony that has been put off quite long enough, thank you very much. The manherd are hustled over to the Mets’ stadium because Yankee Stadium is expensive, yo. There they stress out over Wesley Snipes potentially receiving a rose in lieu of one of them, which is totally going to happen, guys, otherwise she wouldn’t have moved him in with you, but why I think logic is something these guys have a firm grasp on, I don’t even know.

Unemployed, thrilled to no longer be the villain in the group, takes Lenny Bruce out onto the field where he picks her up and runs around the bases, something I’m sure he began regretting around the time he rounded first base.

arrested-development-gob-huge-tiny-mistake-cabin-show-season-3-1

 

Meanwhile, Merl is not letting go of this whole Wesley Snipes thing, and says that his “guy’s intuition,” which is not a thing, is telling him that Wesley Snipes isn’t here for the right reasons.

As for Ryan Gosling, he’s so mad about Wesley Snipes being there that he Voldemorts him, and refuses to refer to him by his name, not realizing that it only gives him more power. Ryan Gosling then takes Lenny Bruce aside to share with her his concerns about her decision to include He Who Shall Not Be Named, and how it makes him second guess her intelligence (which he kinda sorta back tracks, but not really, not really at all). Lenny Bruce pouts.

Rose ceremony time. FINALLY. (And because it’s been forever ago since the last episode, the men who have date roses are: Cousin Max, Golden Retriever and Cupcake.)

Rose #1: The Other Ben
Rose #2: Franz
Rose #3: Ryan Gosling
Rose #4: That Tanner Guy
Rose #5: Cleetus
Rose #6: Princeton
Rose #7: Unemployed
Rose #8: Merl
Rose #9: Wesley Snipes

Goodbye, Non-Rapey Ryan. You seemed … like you wouldn’t rape or threaten to rape, so that’s something? Goodbye, Car Spokesman. Let’s be honest, you were here for Clingy so this can’t be too much of a blow, right? Goodbye Corey with an E. You had a face. Lenny Bruce just liked Wesley Snipes better than you guys, which should really give you pause.

you're outta here

 

And then Lenny Bruce announces they are off to their next location: San Antonio. Ay, dios mios.

The manherd arrive in poor, poor did-nothing-to-deserve-this San Antonio, where they continue to complain about Wesley Snipes. That Tanner Guy turns out to be a soundbite genius who explains that they “may be in Texas, but this isn’t Wesley Snipes’ first rodeo.” Well played, sir.

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Once ensconced in the hotel, the first date card arrives: “Other Ben: Let’s take our love one step at a time.” Lenny Bruce picks Other Ben up in a fancy old Ford truck which they supposedly drive to Greune (a small town near New Braunfels, for you non-Texans) (oh, and New Braunfels is a small town between Austin and San Antonio, which I’m sure you knew already), to participate in a two-stepping contest at Greune Hall, the oldest dance hall in Texas, and where every Texan is required to see Jerry Jeff Walker play at least once in their life so as to maintain their Texas citizenship. True fact.

So, Lenny Bruce and Other Ben are taught to two-step by some very patient soul. Note that I do not say that they “learn” to two-step, because they most decidedly do not. And then a bunch of actual two-steppers are brought in, along with the great Dale Watson who sings a song that LITERALLY TELLS THEM WHAT TO DO, — “Quick, Quick, Slow, Slow” — AND THEY STILL MANAGE TO MESS IT UP.

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Later, they return to San Antonio for dinner, and Lenny Bruce tries to get Other Ben to talk about his most recent breakup, but he’s like, “I’m not going to talk about my most recent breakup.” She gives him the date rose anyway because he’s cute.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: “Golden Retriever, Cousin Max, Princeton, Cupcake, That Tanner Guy, Cleetus, Unemployed, Franz, Merl, and Wesley Snipes: I love a man in uniform.” The men are dropped off at Mi Tierra, where they are met by that tiny mariachi from America’s Got Talent a couple seasons ago — except he’s not so tiny anymore. The Tiny Mariachi sings that “Ay Yi Yi Yi” song at Lenny Bruce before informing the men that they have to write their own mariachi song for Lenny Bruce and then perform it for her in front of all the tourists in Market Square. It will certainly not be this good:

While most of the men worry about coming up with lyrics, Princeton informs us that he’s going to ace this challenge, FOR REAL THIS TIME. Spoiler! He doesn’t ace it. In fact, after donning his mariachi costume with the rest of the men, Princeton manages to give one of the least funny, most stilted and off-pitch performance of the day, which is really, truly saying something.

And then Wesley Snipes leads Lenny Bruce up to a balcony to serenade her with his song that rhymed “connection” with “erection.”

ron-swanson-disapproves

 

That bit of unpleasantness taken care of, they are taken out to Enchanted Springs Ranch out in Boerne for their after party. There, Merl has a BRILLIANT idea: he takes Lenny Bruce to an upstairs balcony and presents her with a set of barber tools, because she’s “a barber.” She is not a barber.

But that does not stop her from taking a set of clippers to the side of his head and shaving it into a patchy-bald mess — which is bad enough in and of itself — but then the clippers die before she can get to the other side, leaving him with the Best Hairstyle Ever.

joshua haircut bachelorette
It’s going to catch on, just you wait.

 

As he returns to the manherd with his new look, Wesley Snipes carries Lenny Bruce outside to chew on her face a while. While he’s gone, Merl complains to the rest of the men that his “guy’s intuition” — which is still not a thing — tells him that Wesley Snipes is a weasel. And so, when Wesley Snipes returns, Merl explains to him that his “guy’s intuition” (NOPE. STILL NOT A THING.) tells him that he can’t trust Wesley Snipes. But Wesley Snipes is all, “haters gonna hate,” before going on some belabored explanation about how he was actually grateful that Winner Josh was on Andi’s season because even though he fell in love with her, it was important that in the end she choose Winner Josh and if he hadn’t been on the show that wouldn’t have happened and then Wesley Snipes would have probably won and then he wouldn’t be here. Or something. I lost his train of thought the moment it left the station.

Cleetus’ Cousin Merl is also underwhelmed by whatever it is that Wesley Snipes was trying to say, decides that he needs to “be honest” with Lenny Bruce, and takes her off to the little chapel to speak alone. There, he explains that Wesley Snipes keeps talking about Andi’s season of The Bachelorette, and that none of the other men like him, and so she should send him home like she did with Triceratops. However, unlike Triceratops, Wesley Snipes has not done anything to irritate Lenny Bruce, and she’s not ready to send him home just yet. Lenny Bruce points out that no one else has said a bad thing about Wesley Snipes to her, so either they are all lying or he is, leaving Merl to stammer, “uh … uh … uh …”  because he is an idiot. Lenny Bruce demands again to know if everyone is lying to her about Wesley Snipes. “Uhhhhh…” grunts Merl.

donnny-out-of-your-element-big-lebowski

 

So then this idiot goes back to the men and announces that he was busy “giving an interview” even though they all watched him as he took Lenny aside to tattle on Wesley Snipes. He’s followed by Lenny Bruce who demands to know if everyone is being honest about their feelings regarding the Wesley Snipes situation. When they all assure her that they are, she turns to Merl and asks him if they are being honest right now, and he’s like, “Uhhhh …. I hope so?” because he is an idiot.

With that, the men begin stabbing Merl in the back like he’s the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, telling Lenny that they don’t have any problem with Wesley at all, and if she wants him to stick around it’s no skin off their teeth, and anyway, Merl just came in and lied to them about being in an interview, so who’s the lying liar now?

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SPOILER: He’s dead. And so is Merl.

When we return from the commercial break we are reminded that we are in San Antonio with this image:

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WELCOME TO SAN ANTONIO!

And here’s the amazing thing about this: THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THE BACHELORETTE HAS MISTAKEN HOUSTON FOR ANOTHER TEXAS CITY.

Back in Princess Desiree’s season, Princess Desiree visited Dallas during the Dreaded Hometown Dates, and guess what picture they used to illustrate Dallas?

houston not dallas

 

That’s right, the same image they used to illustrate “San Antonio.”

i can't rhony

 

I suppose we should just be glad they didn’t put a big banner over the image labeling it “San Antonio, Home of the World Famous Alamo where Texas Won the Revolution and Davy Crockett Became President.”

So, anyway, somewhere in Texas, who even knows where, certainly not the dumb-dumb producers of this show, maybe San Antonio, maybe Houston, maybe the San Antonio that is in Houston, Lenny Bruce and Ryan Gosling go kayaking on the San Antonio River which is not a thing that people can do.

After, they sit on those steps on the Riverwalk, you know the ones, they are the seats for the amphitheater I am pretty sure? where they drink margaritas which is not a thing that people can do. There, Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey girl, don’t be so harsh on Merl, he’s just telling the truth about how the other men feel about He Who Shall Not Be Named.” And Lenny Bruce is all like, “OK, Ryan Gosling,” because look at him.

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Yeah.

And then they make out in their bathing suits on one of the Riverwalk bridges which is not a thing that people can should do.

That evening, they are … somewhere in Houston San Antonio, who knows where, and over dinner, Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey girl, I was in a terrible car accident about five years earlier, and very well could have died had I not uncharacteristically buckled my seatbelt at the last second.” This makes the two of them all verklempt and the next thing you know he’s all, “Hey girl, I’m falling in love with you,” and she tells him that she’s falling in love with him, too, and let’s just call it a season already, please and thank you. She gives him the date rose and promises to give him ALL of the date roses so I’m pretty sure we’re done here.

You know who else is done here? Princeton. Princeton is DONE. While Ryan Gosling was off winning this whole thing, Princeton spent his time in the hotel fuming that he’s been flying under the radar so far this season. HE’S A PRINCETON GRADUATE, HE’S A FORMER MODEL, HE’S DEFIED DEATH, HE’S TRAVELED THE WORLD, HIS MOM SAYS HE’S A CATCH. Princeton informs Wesley Snipes that he’s over it and that he will be excusing himself at the next rose ceremony, and Wesley Snipes is like, “You do you, boo.”

Princeton then announces to the Producers that here, at the Alamo, where the Texans took their last stand for independence is where he will have his last stand on this journey. And I’m sure I don’t need to correct someone who is Princeton-educated that the Alamo was NOT actually the place where the Texans took their last stand in their fight for independence; I’m sure someone as intellectual as he is knows all about the Battle at San Jacinto and needn’t be reminded, so I’m just mentioning this here for the rest of you uneducated rubes. But I do wish he’d leave our beloved memorials out of his jackassery.

The cocktail party for the rose ceremony gets underway. Lenny Bruce brings Cousin Max up to her hotel room for a make out session on her rose petal-covered bed; Merl gets all weepy about how very much an idiot he is; and Princeton declares that he should be the next Bachelor because 1. his ex-girlfriend was better looking than Lenny, 2. he makes a lot of sex all the time and 3. he is “an enigma, a gift to unwrap for life.” And at this point I’m preeeeeety sure Rachel from UnReal has gotten to him and manipulated him right into the villain edit because WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? (Seriously, though, watch UnReal, you’ll love it.)

And so, once she’s back from rolling around in her bedroom with Cousin Max, Princeton takes Lenny Bruce aside to tell her that he is a sophisticated soul who is having a difficult time living with these fart-joke-making brutes. Also, too, he came here looking for the girl who had her heart broken, not the girl who wanted to have her “fields plowed by Farmer Teeth…”

tina fey rhobh shock

and that he’s pretty sure she’s just here to make out with a bunch of different guys …

joanna classy woman

 

because she’s super shallow …

shocked-patrick

 

and he doesn’t believe there’s anything below the surface with her.

lucille bluth shocked

 

Lenny Bruce, as you can imagine, is not amused.

And that’s how we leave the episode, another cliffhanger, another rose ceremony that will have to wait, another jackass declaring himself to be a jackass. I wonder what’s going to happen! (No, I don’t; he’s going home.)

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7 p.m. (Programming note: I will not be posting these on Tuesday for the next couple weeks, but I’ll be back on it ASAP, promise. Don’t hate me.)

This post originally appeared on Tubular, a blog on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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