‘The Bachelorette’: Oh, AlamNO.

The Bachelorette
June 22, 2015

¡Hola, mis amigos! So I was on vacation in Mexico last week — as it turns out perilously close to the Bachelor in Paradise location, so it’s fortunate I did contract some loathsome disease just from breathing the air — and it seems I managed to miss two of the craziest weeks ever on The Bachelorette, or The Bachelor for that matter. Unrepentant sexual escapades! Emotional breakdowns over people not understanding what show they are on! Fake funerals! Changing of rules! Sobbing on cliff sides! Desecrating the Alamo! How could I have missed all of this?

Well, that nonsense stops now. I am back, and we are going to break down every ridiculous moment that took place in the last four hours of this series, I promise.

We begin back at the rose ceremony cocktail party in San Antonio where Princeton is busily explaining to Lenny Bruce that she is a shallow person who is not here to meet her husband, but just make out with guys and get her “field plowed” and that he, in contrast, is a very serious and very deep person and not on vacation, whatever that means, and he, for one, does not make fart and poop and sex jokes, which is the low hurdle we are trying to pass here, people.

Lenny Bruce, to her immense credit, manages to summon a superhuman amount of control and grace to not just cold pop him in his pretty Princeton face for calling her a stupid slut who is just looking to slut around with a bunch of stupids. Instead, she calmly, quietly explains to him that humor is a big part of who she is, but that this does not take away from her depth, and would he please get the hell out now.

you're outta here
AND TAKE YOUR PRINCETON AND DEERFIELD DIPLOMAS WITH YOU.

But Princeton isn’t done yet! As he drives away in the jackhole mobile, he explains to the producers that 1. he is very intellectual and deep and 2. he’d be a FANTASTIC Bachelor that the women would line up to be with on account of how well he treats the ladies, as just demonstrated, and 3. he needs to “have some sex.”

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Lenny Bruce right about now.

Wesley Snipes, sensing an opportunity, sneaks upstairs where Lenny Bruce is still marveling at being called superficial and slatternly by some bozo she barely knew. There, he informs her that he knew what Princeton was planning to leave, but “didn’t want to tell him what to do,” and he, for one, likes when Lenny Bruce makes dumb jokes and quotes movies which is apparently a thing she does that they edit out of the show. And now Wesley Snipes would like to chew on her face and “get to know her, inside and out” if you know what he means and I think we all do.

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Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling is like, “Hey, Girl, where are you?” and goes upstairs to find Wesley Snipes’ tongue thoroughly down Lenny Bruce’s throat. He is disappoint.

And then in a bit of foreshadowing, Lenny Bruce explains in an interview that she feels physical intimacy is an important part of any relationship, and, after all, she’s looking to get married here, so yeah, she’s going to make out with these guys. What, you expect her to marry someone she doesn’t have a physical connection with? Get out of here.

Lenny Bruce explains to the remaining men who have yet to insult her to her face that Princeton was a jerk; she’s here to find a husband; and EVERYONE NEEDS TO QUIT QUESTIONING HER INTENTIONS ALREADY. That said, they send the men over to the Alamo for the Rose Ceremony.

The Alamo.

THE ALAMO. 

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The entire state of Texas.

I mean, why not next season hold a rose ceremony at Pearl Harbor? Or how about Gettysburg? Why not the World Trade Center or Shanksville?

WILLIAM TRAVIS DOES NOT APPROVE.

Ugh.

But before we get rid of some of this dead weight, Chris Harrison takes Lenny Bruce aside to make sure she’s cool, and then explains that it’s a “special night” in a “special place in [his] home state” and I CAN NOT. ATTENTION ALL FELLOW TEXANS: In lieu of the revelation that Chris Harrison is from Dallas and yet still thought that it was all good to have a Bachelorette elimination ceremony at the spot where 250 brave and wildly outnumbered Texians (it’s a word, non-Texans, look it up) were slaughtered in their fight for independence, may I suggest that we revoke Chris Harrison’s Texas bonafides immediately. From here on out, Chris Harrison, you are no longer able to refer to yourself as a Texan, sir. Please return your boots and cowboy hat on your way back across the border.

So, the (most offensive) Rose Ceremony (ever):

Rose #1: Cousin Max
Rose #2: Dr. Cupcake
Rose #3: Unemployed
Rose #4: Cletus
Rose #5: Franz
Rose #6: That Tanner Guy

Which means, adios, Golden Retriever and Merl. You two seemed like very nice guys, but let’s be honest, both of you were completely out of your depth. And considering how shallow Princeton insisted Lenny Bruce was, that’s … pretty remarkably out of any sort of depth.

Oh, and Merl? Son, you had like three days to fix that haircut of yours, and yet this is how you show up to the Rose Ceremony?

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While it looks like your hair was cut with a Bowie knife, JIM BOWIE DOES NOT APPROVE.

Go back to the farm and fix that haircut already, Merl.

you're outta here

And with that, The Bachelorette stops befouling Texas shrines and moves the manherd to Ireland, which, according to the introductory montage is filled with seagulls, sheep, trains and Enya. So much Enya.

Immediately upon arriving, the manherd is gathered in the lobby of their hotel where Lenny Bruce arrives and announces that the first one-on-one date is happening RIGHT NOW, and the lucky man is Wesley Snipes. This goes over about as well as you might expect with the rest of the ManApes who glower and grunt in their disapproval. As for Wesley Snipes, in an interview, he foreshadows that he “just got lucky in Dublin.” You don’t know the half of it, Wesley.

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Wesley Snipes and Lenny Bruce spend their day wandering around Dublin, surviving walking through literally dozens of pigeons, dancing terrible jigs with street river dancers, drinking whiskey and pawing at each other. They also mumble some things at one another about how they worried it would be awkward when they finally met but then it wasn’t. TRUE LOVE.

While Wesley Snipes is manhandling Lenny Bruce and lining up all the Irish whiskey shots for her to drink, back at the hotel the men receive this cryptic date card:

“Nine fine men in Dublin she met
To fall in love her heart she let
But what you don’t knowses
There are no more roses
‘Cause here lies our Bachelorette.

–Chris Harrison”

“It’s a riddle!” these idiots proclaim, not getting at all that it is a LIMERICK, as in LIMERICK, IRELAND because they are IN IRELAND. But I suppose recognizing your classic poetic forms is not something I should have expected from this brain trust.

The date is to include That Tanner Guy, Franz, Ryan Gosling, Cousin Max, Other Ben and Dr. Cupcake. Which means Unemployed and Cletus will be competing on the dreaded two-on-one date. Unemployed pities poor dopey Cletus in a particularly bit of heavy-handed ironic foreshadowing. Gee, I wonder who will go home.

But back to Wesley Snipes and Lenny Bruce: they have dinner in what I can only hope is a desacrilized church, but considering what they did to the Alamo, who even knows. There, in this possibly holy place, Lenny Bruce offers Wesley Snipes the date rose and they make the sex with their eyeballs.

minds are already one wesley snipes

And then Lenny Bruce invites Wesley Snipes back to her hotel room for the reason that grown adults go back to hotel rooms.

connected-on-so-many-levels

And in case there is any question what they are doing behind her hotel bedroom door, the camera crew and microphones hang out in the front room of the suite to stare at the closed bedroom door and capture every instance of [sheets rustling] and [Lenny Bruce moaning] and [Lenny Bruce exhaling sharply]. But not even THAT being enough, the editors begin the next day montage with a shot of a pair of birds and then a single bee on a flower. Get it? DO YOU? DO YOU GET IT? THEY TOTALLY DID IT, GUYS.

To her credit, the next morning, Lenny Bruce doesn’t have any regrets except that she feels guilty for, on some level, betraying the other eight men she is “dating.” And I, for one, am not here to slut shame her. The fact of the matter is, these are real adults who have real chemistry who acted on it in a real way. It’s the weird reality show circumstances they are trapped within that are manufactured and unrealistic. In the real world grown-ups don’t have to wait for the “fantasy suites” to become intimate with someone, because FANTASY SUITES AREN’T A REAL THING. And also, that’s weird right? Having sex with a different person every night with whom you are supposed to have a genuine emotional connection? That is considerably more unnatural and weirder than going on a date with someone and feeling in that moment that you want to make the sex with them.

And so, I refuse to judge Lenny Bruce for choosing to sleep with one of her suitors while she was out on a date. I will, however, reserve some concern and skepticism in regards to with whom she chose to be intimate — considering that the last time this particular person slept with someone on this show, he used it as a weapon against her in an attempt to embarrass her and hurt her relationship with someone else. So maybe Wesley Snipes isn’t exactly the person on whom Lenny Bruce should have taken such a huge risk.

But the deed, it is done. And Lenny Bruce is left to worry that Wesley Snipes will be anything but a gentleman and go straight to the men to blab everything. Which he doesn’t do … in so many words. With one group of men, he says that they had a nice date that ended in her hotel room where they talked on the couch for a while. With a second group of men — a group that pointedly includes Ryan Gosling — he says that he went back to her hotel room and it was very “intimate,” and “personal” and they “connected.”

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However, none of the men actually want to hear anymore. Though they were certainly definitely instructed by The Producers to go ask Wesley Snipes what happened in the hopes that he would tell them everything and set off a rage bomb, they sidestep the issue altogether, because they honestly don’t want to know or hear about it. And good for them.

Anyway, it’s time for that LIMERICK — NOT A RIDDLE — group date, and the men put on their best suits and head to a pub where they meet Chris Harrison. There, he tells them that Lenny Bruce has “died” and they are going to host an Irish wake for her, which should be supergreat fun for the guy whose mother died when he was 14.

They go inside to find Lenny Bruce laid out in a coffin and completely incapable of keeping a straight face, like she’s Horatio Sanz in a SNL skit with Jimmy Fallon. And then, like the most maudlin part of the crazy-maudlin The Fault in Our Stars, the men eulogize her with silly poems — including a hilarious self-aware one from That Tanner Guy who knows she has no idea what his name even is — and “funny” bastardized versions of “Danny Boy,” while she listens and snorts. All except Franz, who asks the other men to leave the room so that he can tell his dead mother Lenny Bruce that though their time together was short, he’ll always keep her in his heart.

Hey, Producers? Y’all are monsters. Straight-up monsters. But for real, though.

shame on you teresa

And then because they hadn’t had enough whiskey already, the after party takes place in the Guinness distribution center, which is just a very good idea.

Franz takes Lenny Bruce aside to explain why he was so serious during his eulogy, and tells her several times that the exercise was very hard for him. And even your mean, cynical blogger has decided to retrain from using the typical monosyllabic shorthand for Franz this week because seriously, what The Producers put him through was NOT COOL. SUPER NOT OK, GUYS.

Lenny Bruce then visits with Cousin Max who reminds her that he told her he was falling in love with her that one time, so she lets him chew on her face for a while.

Then Ryan Gosling takes her aside and is like, “Hey, Girl, let me show you pictures of my adorable niece and nephew.”

Finally, Lenny Bruce offers Cousin Max the date rose, and takes him to some other hopefully desacralized church where The Cranberries are waiting to play “Linger” for them in the answer to the most depressing “Where Are They Now” question ever.

Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling CAN NOT BELIEVE he did not receive the group date rose and proceeds to have a complete tantrum. He stomps off to a producer where he unwittingly reveals that while they were in San Antonio, Lenny Bruce came up to his room where they spent 6 or 7 hours “talking” and she told him “[he] was the one.” SO, HEY, GIRL, WHY ARE YOU GIVING ROSES TO OTHER GUYS? 

Ryan Gosling decides to take his concerns directly to Lenny Bruce herself, and marches up to her hotel room, knocks on the door and is like, “Hey, Girl.” But we have to wait until  the next episode to find out what he actually had to say to her because that’s just how this season is going to roll, apparently.

Meanwhile! Back in the States, Clingy introduces her mom to James Taylor and her mom is like, “Oh! You’ve got a friend.” YA BURNT, JAMES TAYLOR!

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The next entry will be up first thing tomorrow morning. Promise. I know you’ve waited quite long enough.

AND OH LOOK, here it is!

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7 p.m.

This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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