‘The Bachelorette’: Drop the mic. Please, just drop it.

The Bachelorette
June 8, 2015

Because we can’t seem to end a single episode this season with a nice, simple, get in-get out rose ceremony, we have to begin this episode where we left off in the previous episode, with Lenny Bruce hella mad at one Triceratops, and ready to give him the whatfor. Despite having “killed it” on their one-on-one date, Triceratops subsequently ignored Lenny Bruce in favor of making kissy faces at Unemployed, and alienating every single other lunkhead in the house, all of whom tattled on him to Lenny Bruce.

But rather than wait to eliminate him in the rose ceremony that is supposed to happen in a matter of moments, Lenny Bruce instead takes Triceratops aside to let him know how much he’s disappointed her since their one-on-one date. “But I’m buddies with Unemployed!” Triceratops protests as if this is a selling point. “Don’t care, I’m done,” Lenny Bruce announces before walking him back inside to tell the other men that she’s sending Triceratops away now, goodbye.

And then Unemployed, in a brazen act of self-preservation, demands that Triceratops apologize to everyone for taking up precious time and emotional energy.

shocked-x-4
Everyone’s reaction.

 

So Triceratops stomps out stage left, only to have Unemployed try to stop him to … apologize? explain himself? It’s unclear, but it doesn’t matter because Triceratops isn’t having it, and spits at Unemployed to get out of his face. “THAT TIE GOES NICELY WITH THAT SHIRT, YOU PIECE OF [Triceratops poop],” Triceratops yells at Unemployed, his final heartbroken words to his former shower buddy. And with that, Triceratops gets into the RejectionMobile and drives out of Unemployed’s world.

you're outta here
Bye.

 

Unemployed weeps. Literally. There are tears.

Back inside, Lenny Bruce decides she’s had enough drama for one night and will not be having a rose ceremony; a decision that is met with a decided lack of enthusiasm from the men who had hoped to see Unemployed leave as well. “Yay,” they say. “That’s super.” Chris Harrison then announces that they are done with the McMANsion forever and headed to New York City.

So the manheard is flown across the country and deposited at their hotel in Times Square where they receive the episode’s first date card: “Car Spokesman, Golden Retriever, Franz, Corey with an E, Non-Rapey Ryan, Tanner, Unemployed, Ryan Gosling: Let’s keep our love fresh. –Lenny Bruce.” Car Spokesman is pretty sure this means that they will be “taking a shower” because that just makes perfect sense. The Bachelorette is totally going to take a group shower with 8 guys.

Instead, they are taken to some sort of studio space where they are introduced to Doug E. Fresh, la-di-da-di!, and informed that they will be participating in a rap battle. This news freaks out Ryan Gosling as he is from Nashville and more familiar with Luke Bryan than Luke Skyywalker, a fact that he should not be so proud to fling around in my estimation.

And so the men pair off: Ryan Gosling vs. Golden Retriever; Corey with an E vs. Unemployed; Franz vs. Tanner; and Car Spokesman vs. Non-Rapey Ryan. While the men work on their raps, we are treated to some of Lenny Bruce’s rhymes, which involve “compose, flows and rose.”

lemon-ok

 

So, the men do the “rapping” and the “battling.” Tanner raps that Franz could put Lenny Bruce in his pocket, before making fun of his “tiny rocket;” Golden Retriever talks about how his and Ryan Gosling’s battle is the “Ryan Gosling (!) and Matt Damon feud” before asking to be reminded how The Notebook ends, oh that’s right, “she forgot you.” And then Unemployed continues on his Journey to the Center of the Worst, by rapping at Corey with an E that he should just go back to his “New York hos,” in front of a predominantly New York and female crowd. Good choice!

BTW: This Gawker article written by a woman who attended this taping came out in April, and basically spoiled for me who the next Bachelorette was going to be because, come on, can you see Clingy hosting a rap battle? OF COURSE YOU CAN NOT SEE CLINGY HOSTING A RAP BATTLE. In any event, it’s a fun read, and in retrospect she revealed that Nick Viall, a.k.a. Wesley Snipes, was in attendance, a fact that I completely glossed over. Also, too, somehow the “you look like a rapist” line didn’t make the episode, but I would like to know who came up with that little bon mot.

After the “rap” “battle,” whose winner we never learn (because there are no winners when guys in Dockers are the ones battling), Lenny Bruce learns that Khaste Kardashian is somewhere in the back. But when she gets back there, lo and behold she finds Wesley “Slut-Shaming” Snipes, grinning all expectantly at Lenny Bruce.

wesley-snipes-30-rock

 

I hate this guy.

It would seem that after her appearance on Farmer Teeth’s season of The Bachelor, Wesley Snipes contacted Lenny Bruce over the Twitters where they had some sort of flirtation. But instead of contacting The Producers and asking to be added to the cast from the get-go, Wesley Snipes decided instead to just show up a month into taping and badger Lenny Bruce into adding him to the cast.

I hate this guy.

But Lenny Bruce doesn’t agree immediately, instead decides to run it by the men with whom she is actually on a date during the after party. They respond about as well as to be expected.

no more hoes

 

But before they can make their feelings completely known, Wesley Snipes starts loitering around outside and Lenny Bruce goes to talk to him, and chew on his face a little. Still, she hasn’t made up her mind whether or not to add him to the show, and tells him she’ll sleep on it.

While this is going on outside:

wesley snipes 30 rock kiss

 

… inside the men discuss how disappointed they are in this turn of events. That Tanner guy reminds the rest that Wesley Snipes is the jackhole who “put Andi on blast for hooking up in the fantasy suite,” at which point Tanner lost all respect for the guy. And while I would not have worded it exactly in such terms myself, I respect Tanner’s disgust at Wesley Snipes’ slut-shaming.

Lenny Bruce returns to the men, and Golden Retriever immediately informs her that he, for one, respects any decision she makes regarding Wesley Snipes; this is her journey, after all, and what’s one more guy? And so Lenny Bruce gives Golden Retriever the date rose for telling her what she wanted to hear.

Back at the hotel, the men sit on the couch together in a perfectly natural way.

perfectly natural bachelorette.jpeg

 

Cousin Max receives the next date card: “Cousin Max: Let’s reimagine the night we first Met. –Lenny Bruce.”

The men from the group date return with the news about Wesley Snipes, and they respond about as well to be expected.

no more hoes

 

So the next morning, Lenny Bruce calls Wesley Snipes and instructs him to come meet her after she gets her hair did for that night’s date. And ohmygod, she gets her hair done by Bloomin’ Onion. BLOOMIN’ ONION. What is even happening? Not just that, but when Lenny Bruce tells Bloomin’ Onion that upon seeing Wesley Snipes, she felt “instant chemistry,” Bloomin’ Onion, Unexpected Voice of Reason, tells her that’s not love, just lust, and real relationships are built on friendship. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?

blooming onion ??? bachelor.jpeg

Despite Bloomin’ Onion being the Unexpected Voice of Reason, Lenny Bruce throws out all of her very reasonable advice and promptly invites Wesley Snipes to join the cast because at this point, sure. Why not. I’m sure the men will be fine with this decision and everything will be cool.

That night, Lenny Bruce meets Cousin Max at the Metropolitan Museum of Art where they have dinner at the Temple of Dendur which is exactly what the Egyptians intended for this lovely structure when they built it in 15 BC. Cousin Max blathers at Lenny Bruce but she hears nothing because Wesley Snipes. Then Cousin Max reads a poem he wrote for her, but all you need to know is that it ends with Cousin Max quoting Dumb and Dumber‘s Lloyd Christmas. I could not make that up if I tried.

Lenny Bruce offers him the date rose, because as far as she knows he was pleasant enough company, who can say, and then they take a helicopter ride around New York so that they don’t have to talk to each other any more.

Back at the hotel, the final date card arrives: “Princeton, Cupcake, Cleetus, Cleetus’ Cousin Merl, and Other Ben: Let’s play! — Lenny Bruce.”

But before they go out on their date, Lenny Bruce arrives at their hotel room and announces that Wesley Snipes will be joining them that evening and will be present at the next rose ceremony.

deal-with-it-dany-game-of-thrones

 

That taken care of, Lenny Bruce meets the group date men at the New Amsterdam theater where they learn they will be auditioning for a “role” in the Broadway show, “Aladdin.” Thanks, synergy! To this end, the men are made to dance, which they do terribly, and then sing “A Whole New World,” which they also do terribly. In the end, the director and main actors choose Cupcake to “act” with Lenny Bruce in that evening’s performance of “Aladdin,” even though Cleetus was clearly the obvious, more hilarious choice.

Everyone else is sent back to the hotel while Lenny Bruce and Cupcake don their ridiculous costumes and wait backstage for their big moment. It finally arrives when, during a musical number, they walk out to one corner of the stage, are handed some fake flowers by a fake flower vendor, a lady points at them and sings “LOVE” and then they are led off the stage. So, you can see why it was important that they choose someone who could sing or dance for this Very Important Role.

After, Lenny Bruce leads Cupcake up to the New Year’s Eve Ball over Times Square where she offers him the date rose and which accepts because of course he does.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the men continue to grouse about Wesley Snipes joining them, while Wesley Snipes makes his way through Times Square and monologues about how he just does not care what anyone else thinks. And then the episode ends with Wesley Snipes walking into the hotel suite because we are never ever ever going to have another rose ceremony ever again, and this nightmare will apparently never extinguish itself.

Oh, hey, how’s Clingy doing? She’s still in L.A. trying her best to convince us that things are going swimmingly with James Taylor and that they are boyfriend and girlfriend and that she’s going to introduce him to her family?

don't even care ron swanson

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7 p.m..

This post originally appeared on Chron.com, a Hearst site.

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