‘The Bachelorette’: Houston Bachelor Thrown out of the Ring

The Bachelorette
June 1, 2015

We begin where we left off last week: with Grandpa Kupah having a temper tantrum out on the breakup driveway after being told to hit the bricks by Lenny Bruce. “BUT I DON’T WANNA!” he screams. “IT’S BECAUSE I’M BLACK, ISN’T IT!” he shrieks, even though there are two other African-American guys still inside enjoying their cocktails.

So Lenny Bruce goes outside and is like, “Dude, that’s enough. You’re making this way worse. Go away now. I’m serious.”

you're outta here

And so after complaining that Lenny Bruce “hates” him and “thinks [he] has chlamydia” and that he’s been “dissed by uglier girls” which doesn’t even make sense — is that something to be proud of? — Grandpa Kupah finally gets into the You Go Home Now van. Bye, Grandpa. You’re already forgotten.

Lenny then heads inside and is like, “LISTEN UP, KNUCKLEHEADS. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE HERE OR DO ONE OF THESE DUMB DATES, JUST TELL ME. LET’S NOT WASTE EVERYONE’S TIME, K?”

She then has them line up for the Rose Ceremony a week too late, while Pearland and Droopy Dog worry about being eliminated. Droopy explains to us that he deserves to stay because he “sees the world through the eyes of a child, has the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy” which we will hear a lot more about, trust. (Reminder: at this point, Triceratops, Unemployed and Franz all have date roses):

Rose #1: Cousin Max
Rose #2: Other Ben
Rose #3: Ryan Gosling
Rose #4: Car Spokesman
Rose #5: Tanner?
Rose #6: Cupcake
Rose #7: None-Rapey Ryan
Rose #8: Golden Retriever
Rose #9: Princeton
Rose #10: Cleetus’ Cousin Merl
Rose #11: Cleetus
Rose #12: Corey with an E
Rose #13: Droopy Dogg

Which means, goodbye Tiny Dancer. I guess we’ll never have a date where you and Lenny Bruce awkwardly dance to some middling musician we’ve never heard of before. And goodbye the Houston-area’s one Bachelorette hope, Pearland, who apparently has a daughter? Which is why Lenny sent him home? When did we learn he had a daughter? Oh, that’s right, we didn’t learn he had a daughter because Pearland literally had zero screen time.*

In any event:

you're outta here

So, the next morning while all the men are still asleep, two giant sumo wrestlers sneak into the McMANsion and head into the bedrooms where they start screaming in Japanese and banging on a gong. [SHOUTING IN JAPANESE] [SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] [GONG CRASHING] read the captions. Indeed.

The men are herded out to the living room where Chris Harrison is waiting with the sumo wrestlers. There, Chris Harrison notes that the men might notice “something different” while an insulting Asian riff plays over the whole scene.

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Chris Harrison introduces our sumo wrestlers: Byamba, a 4-time world sumo wrestling champion and Yama, whose major claim to fame seems to be that he is the heaviest Japanese person ever at 600 pounds, once ate 146 pieces of sushi in a single sitting and also, too, he was embroiled in a match-fixing scandal. The wrestlers are here to teach the following men to sumo wrestle — real sumo wrestling, not that inflatable suit sumo wrestling. Or, Byamba is here to teach the men to wrestle, Yama seems to just be there to act as a sumo prop. Anyway, prepare to expose yourselves:

Unemployed, who really loves the Japanese culture, and by “Japanese culture” he means “sushi”; Triceratops; Cupcake; Droopy Dog; Cleetus; and Ryan Gosling.

The men are instructed to put on their sumo diapers and then go out onto the breakup driveway, where they will be taught to wrestle and waggle their bits and pieces in front of the other men, Chris Harrison, Lenny Bruce and God herself. Put your finger on that blur button, editors, because Cleetus is clueless as to how these mawashis even work, nor does he care.

The men are made to wrestle Yama, who picks each of them up by their diapers and spanks them right out of the ring. When it’s Droopy Dog’s turn, however, he makes a bunch of noise about how he’s a “peaceful, balanced guy” and that Yama “doesn’t know who he’s [plucking] with” which seem like contradictory statements, but OK, Zen Dude. Sure. So Yama allows Droopy Dog a couple of ineffectual shoves against his giant belly, before picking him up by his diaper and swinging him out of the ring like a toddler.

Droopy Dog has a snit and storms back towards the house with a worried Lenny Bruce scurrying behind. When she catches up with him, he first ignores her before launching into a rant about having to “show aggression on every competition” even though I’m pretty sure the last competition in which he was included involved stand-up comedy, and the only thing that was aggressive was how not funny he was. Droopy Dog then whines that he’d rather do something “peaceful” and “loving” to show her who he is. HE SEES THE WORLD THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD, HAS THE HEART OF A WARRIOR AND THE SOUL OF A GYPSY, LENNY. WHY COULDN’T SHE HAVE CHOSEN A HIKING DATE OR A POTTERY DATE OR A TALKING TO PLANTS DATE WHERE HE COULD SHOW HER THESE SIDES OF HIMSELF, LENNY?

Lenny Bruce assures him that the sumo wrestling was meant to be in good fun, just to make the guys do something different and adventurous, not aggressive, but Droopy Dog keeps on pouting that he’d rather have taken a boat ride or gone skydiving, which he should totally suggest to the Producers when he’s The Bachelor which will be sometime next never.

After a while, Unemployed marches over to try to put Droopy Dog in his place, which only exacerbates the situation because go away, Unemployed, no one asked you. Eventually, Droopy Dog, Lenny Bruce and Princeton (for some reason) retreat to a balcony somewhere, where Lenny Bruce assures Droopy that he does not have to participate in this particular date, she won’t hold it against him. (Even though everyone knows that this is a big dumb lie, because if he can’t get over himself, he needs to be sent home, come on now.) HE HAS MANY OTHER SIDES AND A LOT TO OFFER, Droopy protests to Lenny Bruce. He then spits over the side of the balcony and flexes one of his manboobs. So much to offer!

Having had enough of Droopy’s self-indulgent kvetching, Lenny Bruce and the rest of the men head out to the second part of the date: public sumo wrestling, waggling their bits and pieces in front of the other men, Chris Harrison, Lenny Bruce, God herself and a bunch of innocent extras who certainly did not sign up for this.

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Before the men begin wrestling each other, Lenny Bruce straps on a diaper and heads into the ring where Yama hoists her up like a rag doll and spins her around until she’s dizzy which could not have been easy on her ladyparts.

The men then begin a round robin competition, but we never learn who actually won because instead we head back to the McMANsion where Droopy dog is STILL complaining that their date should have gone to the zoo instead, because that would make for some riveting television.

Droopy Dog finally decides that maybe a reality dating competition isn’t the place for someone who sees the world through the eyes of a child, has the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy, and he packs up his tie-dye shirts and hemp pants.

But before going to the airport, Droopy swings by the sumo after party to say his goodbyes to Lenny Bruce and to poop on the entire show one last time.

you're outta here
He’s not quitting, he’s “leaving on his own terms.”

At the after party, Triceratops announces to his buddy Unemployed that he’s going to hang back tonight, and let Lenny Bruce come to him. If she’s interested in all this, she’s going to have to put forth some effort, he explains, because somedummy doesn’t understand what show he is on. Unemployed assures Triceratops that this is not a good idea. And then, sure enough, when Triceratops just straight-up ignores Lenny Bruce, she gives the date rose to Ryan Gosling, because you’re just not that great, Triceratops.

The next morning, Lenny Bruce receives a date card at the pied-à-terre: “Lenny Bruce: This time I’ve planned a date for you. Please pick up your man at the McMANsion. The driver knows where to go. Be prepared for anything! — Chris Harrison.” Lenny Bruce heads over and discovers that her date today is with Franz …. and, wait …. so Chris Harrison picked everything about this date, including which man with whom she’d go on the one-on-one? Does that even seem fair? STAY OUT OF IT, CHRIS HARRISON.

stay-out-of-it-nick-lachey

But then Lenny Bruce calls Franz, “Babe Soda,” which isn’t a thing, but the point is, she doesn’t seem disappointed to spend time with our monosyllabic friend.

The two are driven out to some warehouse where they meet Chris Harrison and learn they are going into an “escape room” which is this thing they do in California where people pay to be locked in a room, inside of which they have to find clues so as to free themselves.

don's confused mad men

Basically what happened was The Producers knew that Lenny Bruce has a fear of birds, and Franz has a fear of snakes, and they were like, “HEY, I KNOW, let’s lock them in a Halloween haunted house with a bunch of real birds and snakes and see what happens,” which is exactly what they do. There’s a lot of screaming. They eventually escape “just in the nick of time” or whatever. The bottom line is, when Conan did it, it was a lot funnier

The pair return to the pied-à-terre where they sit in the hot tub and talk about Franz’s dead mother some more. “MOM DEAD. ME SAD. ME NO CRY,” Franz explains. So Lenny Bruce gives him the date rose.

Back at the house, the men receive the final week’s date card: “Car Spokesman, Other Ben, Cleetus’ Cousin Merl, Non-Rapey Ryan, Cousin Max, and Tanner: Let’s learn to love.” The men are then loaded up on a school bus and delivered to an elementary school, where they meet Lenny Bruce who explains that they will be substitute teachers for the day, and their subject is sex ed.

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OK, so we do learn that the kids in question are actually actors, and not some random class of innocent victims, but does that really make it any better? Does it? These are still 10 and 11-year old kids who are having BACHELORETTE CONTESTANTS teach them where the woman’s “butthole” is, what the clitoris does, and explaining, horribly, the purpose and proper insertion of tampons. What kind of monster parent volunteers their child for this in exchange for a little screentime and a SAG card? (Dina Lohan.)

Other Ben explains reproduction to the kids by explaining that when two people like each other very very much, the sperm swims up through “the mess” and meets the egg and makes a “real human being.” You know, as opposed to those fake human beings. Lenny Bruce is, somehow, remarkably, impressed by this, and she ends up giving him the date rose later on, even though they pretend for a hot second that Cousin Max was going to receive the date rose. He was never going to receive the date rose, and neither was poor, sweet, dumb Cousin Merl, who confesses to Lenny Bruce that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. Oh, honey, no.

So, you might have seen a trailer for this week’s episode that referred to Triceratops as the “Brokeback Bachelor:”

the-lord-is-testing-me

So, I have mixed feelings about this promo. On the one hand, it’s somewhat homo- possibly bipobic. But on the other hand, everything Triceratops said in the promo was plucked right out of the show, and a lot of it was all said in the same context. This is not one of the ABC Promo Department’s (and my longtime nemesis) notorious manipulative edits. While Lenny Bruce and the men were on their sex ed date, Unemployed and Triceratops definitely frolicked in the hot tub together, and Wannabe Olivia Munn’s Black Box of Shame had to be employed over Triceratops’ little horn a couple of times. Triceratops definitely said — possibly in jest — that he was “falling in love” with Unemployed and that he had stronger feelings for Unemployed than Lenny Bruce. And he definitely said that he and Unemployed had grown closer “in the shower.”

The problem here seems to be The Bachelor‘s editing and framing, as it seems to me that all that is really going on here are two bros broing out and bonding over their broness. The suggestions of a gay relationship — so far as I can glean from what we were shown — are merely jokes being made by a couple of bros trying to prove just how gay they’re not. Or something.

So in the end I can’t really blame ABC, or The Producers or the Promo Department for using this sensationalist material that Unemployed and Triceratops gave them with a big bow on top. Should the Promo Department have used the word “Brokeback,” a reference to the heartbreaking film, Brokeback Mountain, in which two closeted men fall in love, and one ends up dead and the other completely emotionally shattered? No, that’s tacky. But I can’t entirely judge them for using the material they had either because it was really ambiguous.

And the whole point is, Triceratops announces that he wants to stay in the house, not because he’s interested in Lenny Bruce — because he most certainly is not — but so that he can continue to bro out in the McMANsion with Unemployed. Hey, at least he’s honest about it — if only with the viewers.

Because when the rose ceremony cocktail party begins, he’s the first to whisk Lenny Bruce away and shove his tongue down her throat … before marching back over to Unemployed to tell him how “cute [he] is and how beautiful [his] jawline is.” So maybe he is attracted to Unemployed, who knows.

Anyway, the other 13 men in the house have had enough of Triceratops and immediately tattle to Lenny Bruce that he and Unemployed are not there “for the right reasons,” while Unemployed and Triceratops literally are saying things to each other like: “if the eye patch fits,” and “villains gonna vill,” which, I’m not going to lie, made me sort of love Triceratops a little tiny bit.

villans gotta vill

So after all of the men report this same thing to Lenny Bruce about Triceratops, she goes and bucks The Bachelor/Bachelorette rules and does not eliminate the 13 other guys for telling her the truth! Go figure! Instead, she marches after Triceratops, calling him “one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history” and promises that he is going to go “down in flames.”

BURN HIM DOWN, LENNY. AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, BURN IT ALL DOWN.

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*True story: A friend of mine actually went on a date with Pearland and did not have much positive to report about their meeting. I will not share details so as to protect the innocent, but she claims he’s “photogenic” but “beyond bland,” which might help explain why he never made it on camera or past the second rose ceremony. Sorry, Pearland.

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7 p.m..

This post first appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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