Amy Schumer is trapped in ‘Bachelorette’ purgatory

The Bachelorette
May 25, 2015

Lenny Bruce begins the episode yammering at Chris Harrison about how excited she is to be this season’s Bachelorette, and how she’s surprised at what a connection she’s already made with some of the men. When Chris Harrison points out that she made a “connection” with more than one guy, Lenny Bruce is all, “And?”

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Over at the McMANsion (get it? still such a good pun), the man-apes helpfully remind us that not all of them voted for Lenny Bruce.

The vote was Clingy: 11, Lenny Bruce: 14, but there were no winners.

Chris Harrison arrives and explains to the men how this week’s dates are going to work: two group dates, one 1-on-1 and the first group date is today: “Tiny Dancer, Justin, Cousin Max, Corey with an E, Tanner, Grandpa Kupah, Other Ben and Franz: I see this ending with a ring.” The men laugh that Lenny Bruce isn’t messing around — this girl is ready to get engaged, because they are all a bunch of feeble-brained idiots who do not understand puns.

The date takes place in a boxing gym, where Laila Ali beats the men to bloody pulps — WAIT, SORRY, I was writing fanfiction again — where Laila Ali will “train” them before they get into the ring with each other and pound on one other’s faces for Lenny Bruce’s approval. The only thing of note that happens during the otherwise boring training montage is that Grandpa Kupah is more interested in learning how to land a jab than paying attention to Lenny Bruce, which isn’t entirely surprising since he spent most of the first episode loudly talking about how attracted he was to Clingy, so.

We then move on to the second most-satisfying moment of the episode: the men hitting one another. Tiny Dancer spends most of his fight against Franz running in circles around the ring until Franz finally gets tired of his nonsense and knocks him out; Corey with an E beats “fitness trainer” Justin; Grandpa Kupah beats Tanner; Franz beats Corey with an E; Cousin Max beats Grandpa Kupah; and then Franz beats Cousin Max so soundly he’s sent to the hospital.

And that’s when Travis Herzog Hellerizes us to inform us that all of Houston is about to drown. NOT NOW, TRAVIS HERZOG. LENNY BRUCE IS ABOUT TO HAVE HER AFTER PARTY. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

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Once Travis Herzog quits bothering us with his “weather” and “historic flooding” and “emergency” we get back to the Very Important Business of Lenny Bruce chatting with her champion, Franz. “ME FRANZ,” Franz says, “ME COOK. ME BIG COOK. ME TAILGATE COOK. ME NO HAVE MOM. MOM DEAD.” Lenny Bruce is sorry that Franz’s mother is dead.

Lenny Bruce then visits with some of the other men, only to be interrupted by a mysterious note asking her to come outside. But instead of being like, “Excuse me, Note, but I am in the middle of a conversation here,” Lenny Bruce goes outside to investigate and finds Cousin Max waiting for her. He can’t join the party on account of having his bell rung by Franz, but he wanted to stop by on his way back to the McMansion so as to make out with her face. “Permission granted!” Lenny Bruce says, and the two chew on each other’s tongues for a while.

Then Lenny goes back inside and gives Franz the date rose and makes out with his giant face.

Back at the McMansion, the other men await the one-on-one date card, which Unemployed is preeeeeeeety sure is his. “Clint: You take my breath away,” reads the card. “No, it’s totally cool,” Unemployed insists. “I’m just gonna take that time to sit and think of new ways to get the villain edit.”

The next day Lenny Bruce picks up Clint, or Triceratops as he will now be known as he was the one who drew the picture with the Chris Harrison and the Triceratops, a fact that somehow eluded me last week, and drives him to some other McMansion where they will do an underwater photo shoot. And I hope that The Producers are paying Ms. Tyra Banks some royalties, because IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BACHELORETTE, BUT AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL DID THIS FIRST. As did RuPaul’s Drag Race.

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Anyway, they get their hair and makeup done, because it’s always important to do one’s hair and makeup before jumping into a pool for an underwater photo shoot, and then they do some breathing exercises and then they jump into the pool and pose for the scuba lady, and I don’t know what to say about the shoot other than they jump into a pool and have their pictures taken and then they get out of the pool and change into different outfits before jumping back into the pool to take more pictures.

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And the whole thing is one big excuse to make Lenny Bruce and Triceratops kiss underwater, even though they keep trying to tell us that this is really some “test” of their “chemistry.” Whatever.

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(Fact: all of the above gifs were filmed in Houston today.)

Then they go out to dinner where Lenny Bruce calls Triceratops a “hunk of a man,” sucks on his face for a while and offers him the date rose, which he obviously accepts.

Back at the house, the final date card is delivered but aside from Unemployed I have no idea who is on the group date or what terrible pun the card read because we are HELLERIZED AGAIN BY TRAVIS HERZOG. “Oh, it’s a one hundred year flood, you’ll get 11 inches of rain in a couple of hours, we haven’t seen anything like this since Tropical Storm Allison, wah.” I DON’T CARE, TRAVIS, I NEED TO KNOW WHO IS ON THE GROUP DATE WITHOUT HAVING TO FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN, GAH.

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When we return from being Hellerized, we learn Lenny is making 7 of the Man-Apes do stand-up comedy, because, as she explains it, she’s never dated a man without a good sense of humor. She tells us this straight to our faces! As if we didn’t watch her spend three months dating Farmer Teeth! WE SAW YOU DO THAT. QUIT LYING TO US.

Before the date begins, we learn that she has somehow roped my beloved Amy Schumer — whom Lenny Bruce refers to as “one of the funniest women in comedy” …  uh, how about one of the funniest PEOPLE in comedy, Lenny? — into “helping” the men work on their routines, because Amy Schumer has a show to promote and a movie coming out and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Go get that big glass, Amy, you’re gonna need it.

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Amy Schumer claims to be a fan of the show, and proves that she at least watched last season by laughing that Lenny Bruce could be riding a tractor right now, wondering how her life came to this. Word, Momma.

The men arrive, and from what I can tell — THANKS AGAIN TRAVIS HERZOG WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS “CONCERN” FOR “PUBLIC SAFETY” — it’s Car Spokesman, Princeton, Unemployed, Droopy Dog, Cleetus and Cleetus’s Cousin Merl. Unemployed assures us that he is going to take home the date rose because standup comedy is something he’s always wanted to do. LOL OK.

The men meet Amy Schumer and ask for their best joke and Princeton busts out with the 2nd grader classic knock knock joke, “Interrupting Cow,” Cupcake delivers “What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty,” and Unemployed offers, “What do you call a bull that’s sleeping? A bulldozer.”


Amy Schumer explains that the Man-Apes are about to be schooled in the funny by herself, Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein and Bridgett Everette and I almost feel sorry for the dummies who have literally no idea what they are in for.

Somehow this didn’t make it onto air. (ABC)

The men get to work “writing” their “jokes” while the women circulate from table to table to check on their progress, and after making fun of Cupcake’s hideous toothpaste-colored shirt, Amy Schumer makes quick work of Unemployed. With a straight face, Unemployed explains to Amy that his favorite pick-up line is, “Hi, I’m Unemployed. I’m divorced with a kid and I live with my parents.” Amy Schumer when she figures out he is being sincere:

amy schumer oversized glass of wine


Unemployed then suggests that he do a “Steven Tyler kickstand on the mike stand” — which Amy Schumer insists is a REALLY, REALLY GOOD IDEA. Unemployed then worries that he’s too smart for 90% of the audience, and Amy Schumer assures him he is not. In an interview, she explains that Unemployed is a “sweetheart, he’s just missing charisma and personality and a sense of humor.” Unemployed gets back to the business of “writing” his “jokes,” but before leaving him, Amy Schumer tells him, “I hope it comforts you that you’re not smarter than anyone here.” “One sec,” he replies without looking up. Back in the interview, Amy Schumer is optimistic: “Maybe when he sees the show, he’ll reflect on himself, and not be such a turd.”



And then the men do their “comedy.” Princeton makes some Old Spice and Juan Pablo jokes. Ees ok. Cleetus’ Cousin Merl makes a joke about things he can do with his tongue, gross. Car Spokesman greets the audience. Cupcake takes off his shirt. Droopy Dog has no idea he is in a comedy club and yammers about how his heart is warmed by this experience and how he is happy to have the opportunity to explore his lighter side and maybe he’s drunk and we’re all here for a reason and it is easily the best set of the night. Unemployed makes fun of Droopy Dog. And Cleetus makes fun of his cleetusness.

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At the afterparty, Merl refers to himself as “love virgin” which is somehow an unsettling combination of words, and talks about his farting bulldogs. Romance lives!

Meanwhile, Droopy Dog explains to the other men that he’s not there for Lenny Bruce, he’s there for “them.” He’s been training for this his entire life and is going to be attuned to the signs the universe presents. And now I have to go wash all this patchouli and flax seed stench off of me, ugh.

Alone with Lenny Bruce, Droopy Dog confesses to her that he connected with Clingy at first, but now that Lenny Bruce is opening herself up to him, he’s able to connect with her, too. She’s not like a key lock, she’s a combination lock: a little this way, a little that way, a little this way, a little this way, a little this way, and so on and tedious and ENOUGH.

Lenny Bruce chats with Unemployed about his daughter, before shoving his tongue into her mouth. And then Lenny Bruce heads outside with Cleetus and makes out with his teensy tiny face. Such a big head and such a tiny face! Why is your face so tiny, Cleetus?

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And then Lenny Bruce gives the date rose to Unemployed even though he’s a turd.

Back at the house, the other men confuse Justin the personal trainer by knocking on a wall and making him think that it’s a knock at the door because he has the brain of a particularly dimwitted Golden Retriever, and now we have a nickname for him.

Finally, the rose ceremony cocktail party happens, and the men gallantly decide that the guys that didn’t go on a date with Lenny Bruce — Non-rapey Ryan, Ryan Gosling and Pearland as far as I can tell — should have the first opportunity to talk to Lenny. Well, they all agree on this except for Unemployed who is, as we’ve established, a turd. And in fact, as soon as Lenny Bruce arrives, Unemployed spirits her off to the backyard, sending the other men into fits. There he explains he’s there to fight for her, and is not here to make friends because that’s a novel thought.

didn't come her to make friends

When Unemployed returns inside, he is all “SORRYNOTSORRY,” and marvels at the others’ jealousy.

While Unemployed is dealing with Grandpa Kupah’s rage, Princeton takes Lenny Bruce outside to tell her about his car accident that nearly left him unable to run, but then didn’t. Lenny Bruce says she is “beside [herself]” with Princeton and then they kiss and Princeton is a gentleman and does not eat her face.

Meanwhile, Unemployed continues to get the villain edit because he’s a turd.

Droopy Dog and Grandpa Kupah in particular get themselves all worked up in a lather about Unemployed not being “respectful,” a complaint that, at some point, Grandpa Kupah turns into a racial thing. Grandpa Kupah doesn’t want to be your token minority, Show, even though he’s one of three African-American men on this season, and he volunteered to be here in the first place. BUT NO MIND. He will not play your racist game for one minute longer, The Bachelorette, if he can pretend — at least to himself — that he left the show on principle, and not because he was rejected by Lenny Bruce. HE’LL SHOW YOU, SHOW.

So Grandpa Kupha sits Lenny Bruce down to ask her if he has made an impression on her at all — because he doesn’t think when they talk that they are really connecting. Lenny Bruce corrects him: she thought he didn’t notice her, and that he was the only one who didn’t talk to her on the group date. Grandpa Kupah argues that he didn’t even like the boxing! It made him uncomfortable! But that’s not the point — the point is, he didn’t connect with her on that first night and it freaked him out. And then he flat-out accuses her of being a racist, and keeping him on her roster to make herself “look good.”

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Lenny Bruce sighs that up until this moment she thought they did have a connection, but now she questions everything because dumb dummy is so dumb. Grandpa Kupah begins furiously backpedaling: did he mention she’s like, so awesome and has a great personality and is … pretty? She’s a pretty, pretty girl, no, really, he means it, he’s totally serious, he really thinks she’s pretty, so there’s that. Lenny Bruce asks for some time to think about what he had to say, particularly the “pretty” part, and excuses herself to another part of the patio.

Meanwhile, Dummy goes and immediately reports all of this to the other men within earshot of Lenny Bruce. After a hot second, Lenny Bruce goes over and asks to speak to him again, but instead of chatting with him, she leads him straight out to the You Go Home Now driveway and orders him to leave. Grandpa Kupha pouts that he doesn’t want to go home, he just said she was pretty! But Lenny Bruce is like, “Nope, beat it, loser.”

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But Grandpa does not go quietly! Instead, Grandpa Kupah begins yelling at The Producers to just ASK HIM THE QUESTIONS and LET HIM GO HOME and is loud enough that Lenny Bruce herself marches outside to try to figure out what is going on, but we won’t know anytime soon because this is to be continued into next week, who even knows why.

Elsewhere, James Taylor shows up at Clingy’s hotel room just as she’s tearfully telling her mother that she isn’t going to be the Bachelorette. There, he explains that he’s left the show to come follow her and wonders if she’ll hang out with him. She agrees, because what else does she have to do? And hey! more camera time, right? She will get paid for this, right? Then sure! Why not!

Alright, Travis Herzog, what was that you were saying about some rain?

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8 p.m. but will move to 7 p.m. on Monday, June 1.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site

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