‘The Bachelorette’: There Can be Only one

The Bachelorette
May 20, 2015

In this, the THIRD HOUR OF THIS NONSENSE THIS WEEK …

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… we do not waste a moment getting right to the crux of the matter: who will “make the better wife” (BARF) according to the men (BARF), Clingy or Lenny Bruce? The women, who have been placed in their separate corners, wait for Chris Harrison to deliver the news, and he heads to Clingy out on the break-up driveway first. “Sorry, Clingy,” Chris Harrison gently explains, “it seems the majority of the men think that being a never-shower is gross and a deal breaker, so you and your dirty hair are going to have to leave.”

you're outta here

To her credit, Clingy manages to hold it together until she is loaded up into the Goodbye Forever limo, where she proceeds to sob and wonder how someone as wonderful and loving as she is could be going home right now. WHYYYYYYYYY? It’s a mystery for the ages! (But maybe you should have had a hint it wasn’t going your way when The Producers had you wait to learn your fate out on the driveway, and that much closer to the SadnessMobile, Clingy? I don’t know but maybe that should have clued you in that you were headed home?)

Chris Harrison then returns to Lenny Bruce and delivers the news that she is stuck with this pack of dummies for a few more months. She replies that she feels like she’s going to throw up, which honestly is the only appropriate response to this news. Chris Harrison then explains that even though it is 3 o’clock in the morning, she still has a rose ceremony to do before she can got to sleep. Congratulations!

After Lenny Bruce calls her mother with the good (?) news, she and Chris Harrison make the big announcement to the anxious men, and you can watch Team Clingy’s faces fall. I literally have in my notes, “Jonathan and Brady look despondent.” Despondent! Over a woman who never washes her face, ever! OH WELL TOO BAD FOR YOU LOSERS.

Thus begins the frantic scramble to talk to Lenny Bruce before the rose ceremony. Princeton grabs her first and is all, “HEY REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU I WAS HERE FOR YOU BECAUSE I DID THAT AND YOU SHOULDN’T ELIMINATE ME PROMISE YOU WON’T ELIMINATE ME.” Meanwhile, Cleetus’ Cousin Merl presents Lenny Bruce an iron rose he welded for her in the “Pay Attention to These Guys” package. Couins Merl claims he made it for her, but it certainly is curious that he waited until it was determined who would be the Bachelorette before giving it to her, isn’t it, Merl?

When Lenny Bruce goes inside, Chris Harrison is like, “Oh, hey, also the First Impression Rose.” After that little bomb is dropped, Grandpa Kupah, who five minutes ago was ready to marry Clingy, is suddenly talking to Lenny Bruce about how she is “putting herself out there” and acting Very Interested in her. After all, in the end, this is a competition. Sure, Grandpa Kupah would rather Clingy be the one talking to him about her “struggle” to “let down her guards,” or whatever trite platitudes Lenny Bruce is yammering about to these guys, but he and the rest of Team Clingy are going to soldier through and play the skinny white girl hand they’ve been dealt.

That one guy, Ben Z. — and I am resisting calling him Franz, because not only is that lazy, hackish writing, but it is also a 30-year-old reference to an infuriatingly unfunny SNL sketch — is a professional trainer, and literally has nothing else to talk about. He loves to pump … you up. (Welp, I guess I can’t resist it after all.)

Meanwhile, the rest of Team Clingy mope about not getting their way. It’s very sad. Droopy Dog is particularly droopy, James Taylor just has a lot of feelings …

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… but Cousin Max decides to address the situation head on, and confesses to Lenny Bruce that he voted for the Other One. That said, he’d really like it if Lenny Bruce didn’t hold that against him and send him packing tonight, please. And Lenny Bruce, she appreciates the fact that Cousin Max was a big boy and honest with her, but it does finally plant the notion that — WAIT A MINUTE — some of the men might have voted for Clingy and not actually be here for the right reasons her. Deductive reasoning skills are not high on the list of qualities that make a good Bachelorette.

That JJ guy — you know, “Former Investment Banker,” or “Unemployed” as we will be calling him — he also voted for Clingy, but somehow, and I’m not sure how exactly this happened, somehow he made it seem like it was her job to impress him, which she does when she doesn’t recoil after learning he has a daughter.

Sidenote: Isn’t it interesting how many of this season’s men have children and for how few of them this is an issue? On The Bachelor, the female contestants tend to keep such information under wraps until at least the second or third week, often not until they actually have a one-on-one date. With the women, being a single mother is treated as something either tragic, or at the very least, considered a potential detriment if revealed too soon. No such problem with the men! In fact, they all seem to be wearing being a father as a badge of honor, rather than something that they should be a little teensy tiny bit ashamed of. HUH! ISN’T THAT STRANGE?

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And then Lenny Bruce makes out with Dr. Cupcake, before turning around and giving Ryan Gosling the First Impression Rose and making out with him.

do your thing girl new girl

Alright, line up, chuckleheads, it’s Rose Ceremony time.

Rose #1: Dr. Cupcake
Rose #2: Teeth & Hair Ben
Rose #3: Unemployed
Rose #4: Cleetus
Rose #5: Grandpa Kupah
Rose #6: Tiny Dancer

DANIEL

Rose #7: Non-rapey Ryan
Rose #8: Cousin Merl
Rose #9: Droopy Dog

And then James Taylor steps off the risers and asks to speak to Lenny Bruce privately, and all of the men begin freaking out: “WHAT IS HE DOING OH MY GOD HE’S TRYING TO GET EXTRA TIME WITH HER WHAT IS HE GOING TO SAY THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!” But that’s not what is happening, obviously, he’s just quietly taking himself out of the running so that he can go chase down Clingy. The guy’s got a thing for dirty hair, whaddya gonna do?

you're outta here

And with that, James Taylor goes out into the sunlight because it is 10 a.m. at this point, explains what is happening to Chris Harrison, who promptly puts him into a limo and sends him directly to Clingy’s hotel room because that’s not creepy and stalkery at all.

Back to the chuckleheads:

Rose #10: Blond Teeth & Hair Clint
Rose #11: Corey with an E
Rose #12: Car Spokesman
Rose #13: Pearland
Rose #14: Franz
Rose #15: Teeth & Hair Tanner
Rose #16: Princeton
Rose #17: Teeth & Hair Justin
Rose #18: Cousin Max

Which means out you go, you David person, who I do not remember in the least. Did we meet you coming out of the limos? Or are you a crew member who accidentally wandered onto the risers and suddenly found himself eliminated?

Good riddance, Magic Mike. Yeah, yeah, the Producers “made” you strip when you got out of the limo. You know what? I actually believe you, but I’m still relieved you’re going home so we don’t run the risk of you making Lenny Bruce run her hands over your greasy abdomen again.

Adios, Ian Ziering. Quick life tip: stop calling yourself an “amateur sex coach,” you’re giving everyone the heebie jeebies.

And goodbye, Guy Whose Name They Didn’t Even Bothering Giving Us During the Limo Introductions. Glad I didn’t waste anytime trying to figure out who you were.

you're outta here

So, what do we have to look forward to this season?

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Just a few castles, jumping off rocks, Amy Schumer, Wesley Snipes (!!! remember THAT nightmare?), the Alamo, sumo wrestling and some unabashed slut-shaming of Lenny Bruce? Cool, cool, cool. Well, in that case, here’s what you have to look forward to from this blog this season:

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with a solid serving of:

amy schumer oversized glass of wine

 

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 8 p.m. but will move to 7 p.m. on Monday, June 1.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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