‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: The goombah whisperer

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“On Thin Giud-Ice”
July 28, 2013



Il Meatballs — both of dems — are facing 39 criminal charges and up to 50 years in prison for everything from bank fraud to tax evasion. I am simultaneously shocked and NOT SHOCKED IN THE LEAST because of course they were.

Teresa released this statement:

Today is a most difficult day for our family. I support Joe and, as a wonderful husband and father, I know he wants only the best for our lovely daughters and me. I am committed to my family and intend to maintain our lives in the best way possible, which includes continuing my career. As a result, I am hopeful that we will resolve this matter with the Government as quickly as possible. Thank you all for your kind wishes, prayers and support.

More on this as it comes in, but yous guys. This is serious business. Wow.

Onto the recap:

We begin where we left off, with Teresa and Folletto in a big weepy Gorga pile, the glimmers of a reconciliation flickering on the horizon. Folletto tells his sister that though she broke his heart, he does love her, she just needs to drop the fight and open up a little. Encouraged by this development, Teevee Doctor, Dr. V encourages the fratelli to spend some time alone, but Teresa rejects this idea: it’s not just about the Gorga fratelli, she wants to work things out with Melissa, too. OK THEN.

So Dr. V heads downstairs to fetch Melissa, who is busily explaining to Caroline that the entire mess is Teresa’s fault — why, Melissa went so far as to sarcastically fall to her knees in front of Teresa and call her “the queen” and Teresa didn’t respond at all! Caroline’s eyes very nearly detach and fall out of her head for all the rolling they do. Dr. V interrupts Melissa’s martyr complex to bring her upstairs where Dr. V promises she’s not murdering them one-by-one. (Pity.)

Once upstairs, Dr. V explains to Melissa that Folletto and Teresa seem to have had a moment and that she thinks they need to spend some time alone. Melissa disagrees, arguing that it will be a temporary fix (which, yep) and argues that the real problem is that Teresa never fully accepted her as Mrs. Folletto. Teresa disagrees with this, and so Dr. V urges Melissa to acknowledge that maybe, perhaps there had been some things said about her that she didn’t care for, like that she was a gold-digging cheating stripper, for example.

Instead, Teresa and Melissa begin sniping at each other about Kim D and Jacqueline and Twitter, which Dr. V pronounces stupid and demands they get over it already. WHO CARES WHO TWITTED TWHAT? Word to your madre, Dr. V.

Melissa focuses and recounts all of the terrible things that Teresa has either said about her, or was said in her direct proximity, and Teresa protests that she’s not the one who said those things! (Yous know, except for the gold-digger one, and the part where Melissa will leave him for a richer man one day, and those times she confirmed that she had already heard the rumors Melissa had stripped and cheated on Folletto– which, technically, is not the same thing as saying Melissa cheated or stripped, but is awfully close to a confirmation of said allegations.)

Finally, FINALLY, Dr. V calls Teresa a dumbculo, because she is! She is una dumb culo! and demands that Teresa zitto and take some responsibility for once in her ridiculous life. How about instead of just listening passively as le streghe she surrounds herself with talk about what a puttana her sorella-in-law is, Teresa tries telling them to Sta ‘zitto? OR, even better yet, why don’t Teresa and Melissa confront le streghe together and end the gossiping altogether by presenting themselves as a united front? NOPE. TOO PAZZO. WHAT ELSE YOUS GOT, DOC?

Terese whinges that she doesn’t want to hurt Il Follettos, and Dr. V asks her if she has ever done anything to hurt them. Teresa attempts to evade the question by protesting that they’ve all done things to hurt each other, but Folletto calls her on it. No, let’s talk about what you have done, let’s talk about you. And Teresa, Dio bless her, finally admits that yes, she has in fact done things to hurt her fratello and his wife.

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Dr. V turns her Alpha Cagna superpowers on Melissa, demanding to know, exactly, what her plan is now that Teresa has finally admitted some culpability in this mess. Melissa begrudgingly and skeptically agrees to forgive and move on, but Dr. V insists that Melissa make nicetime with Teresa not for Folletto’s sake, but her own. Otherwise this nonsense is never going to end. FATTO, DR. V.

And so Melissa and Teresa agree to meet halfway and communicate better and Teresa hugs Melissa while calling her una cagna and awww. Kinda.

There’s only one last meatball to deal with: Meatball. When Dr. V sends Teresa to fetch her husband, il Follettos visibly tense because oof. That guy.

But color me sorpreso when Meatball joins them upstairs, admits that he can sometimes overreact when trying to protect his wife, and tells Folletto that he doesn’t hate him, he just hates that he called Teresa those mean names. Which, you know, fair enough! Dr. V then orders Meatball to apologize to Folletto for making Folletto feel like Meatball betrayed him, and he does! While hugging Folletto! And not a single coglione was grabbed nor bitten! I mean, Meatball does tell Folletto to “get over it,” but still!

And then Dr. V leaves because you should always go out on a high note. BYE!!! BYE, YOU PAZZO GOOMBAHS!!!! SEE YOU NEVER!!! And Kathy has a sad because she wanted in on the therapy games too, but ha ha, nope.

Then, for reasons that are completely baffling, the menfolk + Rosie decide that what they should do with the rest of their afternoon is stomp out onto what appears to be a semi-frozen lake, cut some holes into it, and then sit over said holes for a few hours. What could possibly go wrong with a cocktail of barely tamped down rage and resentment, alcohol, a few stronzi and some ice fishing?

And so they tromp onto the lake with the unluckiest fishing guide in the world and take their respective positions over their tiny ice holes (QUICK!: Ask me if I can think of a single worst way to spend a few hours than ice fishing. NO, I CAN NOT THINK OF A SINGLE WORST WAY TO SPEND A FEW HOURS THAN ICE FISHING.) which is when Jeff Goldblum Jr., feeling left out of the Dr. V nicetimes I guess, decides to stir the succa, and asks Folletto and Meatball who won their fight the day before. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, JEFF GOLDBLUM JR.? WHY ESPECIALLY WOULD YOU DO THAT WHILE YOU ARE STANDING ON FROZEN LAKE WITH THESE TWO? When Meatball scoffs at this question, Folletto begins talking about how he went “digging” for Meatball’s coglioni, but couldn’t find them. Folletto goes into far too much detail about his fratello-in-law’s 2 inch cazzo piccolo, prompting Meatball to suggest Folletto start crying again. YOUS GUYS, ENOUGH. And so to calm everybody down, Jeff Goldblum Jr. compares Rosie’s peli pubici to an afro. Ha? But also, how about leaving Rosie — the ONLY REASONABLE ONE ON THE LAKE — out of it? Thanks.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kathy tries to keep the nicetimes going, despite the fact that Dr. V chose to get out while the getting was good, and apologizes to Teresa (again) for the things she said about padre Gorga. But Kathy adds that what Teresa said about her own beloved and departed padre was hurtful. Teresa, to Kathy’s shock and surprise, apologizes.

What. Is. Happening.

And so, having performed the Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength, the womenfolk get to working on the Festivus Dinner and commandeer the hotel kitchen, which I’m sure the chef was totally cool with. Teresa and Kathy actually cook things (bolognese and some mushrooms in a sherry cream sauce) and Melissa contributes by getting her drank on.

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The men + Rosie return from the lake earlier than the womenfolk expected because NO THANK YOU, ICE FISHING, and everyone sits down to dinner, some much drunker than others. Melissa teases Rosie about “peaches,” and calls Kathy a whore, but everyone STAYS COOL and takes it all in good humor, because they aren’t Teresa fortunately. It’s a Festivus miracle!

Over Melissa’s drunken nonsense, Meatball tells Caroline that he has a homemade bottle of wine that he’d like her to give to Laurita for him. Caroline shares with them Jacqueline’s difficulties with Nicholas, and the long road their famiglia has ahead, which prompts Jeff Goldblum Jr. to suggest that maybe Meatball should drop off the wine himself and take the opportunity to work things out with Laurita. Teresa disapproves.

After dinner, the group heads into a living area where Rosie announces that they came all this way to do trust falls, DA DIO, THEY ARE GOING TO DO SOME TRUST FALLS. OPIES OR NO OPIES. She goes first, falling backwards into Jeff Goldblum Jr.’s gropey hands. NO. STOP. MIO DIO.

Drunk Melissa declares that she’s going to catch Meatball while wearing her 6 inch not-stripper heels. Everyone has a skeptical. But Drink Melissa insists, so Rosie suggests that at the very least, she take off the not-stripper heels. NO, IMMA DIVA! Drunk Melissa slurs. So Rosie does what she can, and stands behind Melissa so as to catch her when she crumples when Meatball falls backwards because of course, who didn’t see that coming, NO ONE DIDN’T EXCEPT FOR DUMB DRUNK MELISSA.

Teresa announces that she wants Caroline to do a trust fall with her, and Caroline replies that she will if Teresa promises to one day do this with Jacqueline. And for a moment, Teresa’s face breaks a little, and as Caroline pointed out, the pain in her eyes is visible — which was Caroline’s entire point, to catch Teresa off-guard and make her deal with her feels.  After a lot of hemming and hawing, Teresa agrees to, for Nicholas. NOPE, says Caroline. YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU AND JAC. Fine, Teresa agrees, and so with a warning that she better catch her, cagna, Caroline falls backwards. Teresa does catch her, but how hilarious would it have been if she hadn’t? Because, come on, there was about a 5% chance she wasn’t going to, right?

Trust falls taken care of, everyone retreats to bed but il Meatballs, who enjoy the fireplace for a moment longer. There, Meatball suggests to Teresa that it’s time to deal with Jacqueline, to try to forgive and move forward. Teresa resists this for a second before bursting into hot angry tears. Jac hurt her! She doesn’t know how to get past it! Meatball suggests that she do it one rock (?) at a time, like he did with Folletto, and then he starts crying? Why? Why is he crying? Because Dr. V broke these people with her magical Italian vagina powers? Because of all the vodka and wineFabulini at dinner? Because Teresa threatens him with another jacuzzi bath? Who can even say.

But what about Jacqueline, I’m certain you weren’t wondering because why would you? She and Laurita spend their weekend making pancakes, having dinner and talking endlessly about how they are done with il Meatballs. That is when they aren’t talking about Laurita’s journey of self-discovery in the 6th grade. NO. STOP. MIO DIO.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 8 p.m./7 p.m. Central on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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