“The Men Tell All”
July 22, 2013
Sorry for the tardiness of this recap of this utterly worthless “tell all” “special.” I was caught up in customs on my return from visiting “Bachelor Nation.” As it DOESN’T EXIST, I ran into a few problems.
Chris Harrison begins this completely unnecessary recap special by reminding us of the aforementioned “Bachelor Nation.” I am compelled to inform both you and him, again, that “Bachelor Nation” most certainly does not exist, nor is it formally or informally recognized by the United Nations. But Chris Harrison keeps insisting that not only does Bachelor Nation exist, but that he and some of the show’s “biggest stars” are going to pay it a visit.
First of all: Bachelor/ette “stars,” biggest or otherwise.
But secondly, hope you’ve packed enough flak jackets and Advil for the strain your eyeballs are going to endure rolling around in your head so much, as Formally Unrecognized Bachelor Nation is a very dangerous and remarkably stupid place.
Chris Harrison and Princess Desiree ambush their first stop in Bachelor Nation, literally peeping in on a Bachelorette viewing party from the front yard which is not creepy at all. Not in the least. Not creepy or weird or material for a restraining order and/or declaration of war.
Chris Harrison and Princess Des visit a few other places in West Bachelor Nation, before Princess Desiree is sent along with Trista, Dr. Tube Socks, Mr. Tube Socks, and that Jason Guy Who Is Kinda a Jerk if I Remember Correctly, along with his wife and baby as envoys to East Bachelor Nation.
And supposedly these are surprise visits to the citizens of Bachelor Nation, but unless Bachelor Nation’s native costume includes weeknight updos, full makeup, lace dresses and infant formal wear …
… I’m not buying it.
That bit of diplomatic nonsense taken care of, Princess Desiree is then sent to Bacehlorettopia where she is forced to visit with St. Emily, Dr. Tube Socks and Ali for pointers on how to deal with “bad boys” during the Tell All special. Except for the reminder of that one amazing instance wherein St. Emily told Kalon Dru-Zod where, exactly, he could shove his apology and his Prada, this is a colossal waste of everyone’s time.
After a bunch of worthless nattering, Ali insists that we are all deeply invested in Princess Des’ love story. Speak for yourself, lady.
Finally, FINALLY, we return to the studio where Chris Harrison drags only some of the man herd out onto the stage, including waxed manapes that you probably remember: Nipples Jr., Wilford Brimley, Hashtag D-Bag, El Zorro, Marionette Face and Prop Daddy (who are both soundly BOOOOOED by the bloodthirsty audience), Family First, Private Buster, and 7-Years Sober; and a bunch you certainly don’t remember, including: Human Directional (who?), Urquelle (oh, that’s right, The Bachelor Producers always include a token minority), Handsome Dan (who is only memorable on account of his handsomeness), Maya Angelou (no, seriously, who is this guy?), In Your Fantasies (again, only half-memorable for his spectacular flameout on the first night), Wish Bone (no idea) and Zack K. (now I think they are just making guys up to mess with us).
They did not include Mike R., Micah, Larry, Nick R., or Diogo. Who? Exactly. If you get eliminated on the first night, unless it’s for being too date rapey, don’t pack your bags for the Tell All because you are not invited. Also not appearing: that guy who looks like Nick from New Girl who was still in a spunky relationship with a woman at whom he threw rocks.
Chris Harrison rubs a heaping gob of salt into Nipples Jr.’s nipples by noting that he was the last to be eliminated, and Nipples Jr. replies that going into the show he had no expectations, but that it turned out to be so easy to fall in love. Furthermore, he had such a great time that he’d sign up again, you know, in case there’s an opportunity to come back, if, for instance, they’re looking for the next Bachelor or something … “Buena suerte con eso, Cachetes de Ardilla,” says El Zorro.
Wilford Brimley helps Chris Harrison with his segue by noting that he made a number of friends over the course of the season, but that most of the attention on the show was paid to the confrontations — which have to be expected when you put 25 men in a room, competing for one woman.
Cue the conflict montage.
Chris Harrison immediately asks In Your Fantasies what on EARTH was he THINKING. In Your Fantasies notes that he was surprised he wasn’t booed when he came out, and Wilford Brimley is all, “That’s because no one remembered you.”
IN YOUR FACE, IN YOUR FANTASIES.
In Your Fantasies goes on to apologize to the viewers, to the other manapes and to Princess Desiree for his boorish behavior, and he seems genuinely contrite. Hashtag jumps in to suggest that when Princess Desiree eliminated In Your Fantasies on the spot, it demonstrated to the rest of them that she was going to make good decisions. O RLY? Glad her nearly being dragged into a rape closet was somehow reassuring to you, Hashtag.
Chris Harrison announces that Nick from New Girl chose not to attend Tell All, but that won’t stop them from talking about him. Sassy Chris Harrison is sassy. The men take turns calling Nick from New Girl a coward, and expressing their deep outrage at his impugning of Princess Desiree’s honor. HOW DARE HE.
Speaking of which, Prop Daddy is the first to join Chris Harrison in the “hot seat” where he is forced to sit through his montage which ends with him in the Lonely Limo, wondering how long he has to wait before he can be seen in public with another woman, and a cacophony of boos from the audience. Prop Daddy explains that he’d just been dumped by a girl he liked and “battered” for 8 hours by a diabetic attorney. WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO, NOT BE A JERK? Come on.
Chris Harrison (and the rest of the country) wonders why the rest of the man herd hated him SO HARD — because, let’s be honest here, the guy radiated insincerity with a dash of Patrick Bateman-esque sociopathy, but he was no Ti-Polar, right? He didn’t throw himself down any stairs or lose control of his eyebrows or anything. However, like Ti-Polar, Prop Daddy explains that he wasn’t there to make 24 new best friends, he was there to date Princess Desiree, and when he’s pursuing a woman, he can be aggressive. Family First gripes that Prop Daddy was different with the manapes than he was with Princess Des, and that he seemed to think the plan was date Princess Desiree for 6 weeks and then get married. “Exactly!” replies Prop Daddy. “What’s about that is so hard to understand?”
Prop Daddy whines that he felt judged by the other manapes, at which point Handsome Dan interrupts to declare that he had it on good authority that in contrast to his assertions that he’s a great father, Prop Daddy didn’t even request custody of his son until after the show. “I’m sorry, who are you again?” replies Prop Daddy and America. Handsome Dan goes on to explain that he was contacted in Vegas by Prop Daddy’s baby momma and she had A LOT to say about Prop Daddy, including that he had cheated with her on his previous girlfriend. Handsome Dan doesn’t know what to believe, but he has to wonder why Prop Daddy’s Baby Momma would go out of her way to find him and tell him all this. (I’m thinking it has to do with her wanting a little Handsome Dan, but sure! She contacted you out of the blue because TRUTH. Good argument, Handsome Dan!) “AGAIN, WHO ARE YOU?” demands Prop Daddy.
Next up to visit with Chris Harrison: Marionette Face and his stupid face. After his montage, Marionette Face tells his version of the “I’ll be the next Bachelor; party with models on boats with Family First” story, and surprise! He blames Family First, entirely. In his version, Family First was sensing that his time was up, and Marionette Face was just commiserating with him. AND ANYWAY, IF IT WAS SO HORRIBLE, WHY DID HASHTAG WAIT 6 DAYS TO TELL PRINCESS DESIREE, HUH? HIS INTEGRITY WAS STRIPPED! HIS CHARACTER WAS STRIPPED! STRIPPED! STRIPPED, HE TELLS YOU!
Chris Harrison offers Family First, the only player in this nonsense from whom we haven’t heard, to give his version of these events. Something something meat head something, bottom line is it went down pretty much the way Marionette Face described, and what’s wrong with having a Plan B(achelor) anyway? Hashtag points out that one shouldn’t have a backup plan on their wedding day, for instance, and that he heard the entire conversation, including the part where they announced that if Princess Desiree was the type of girl that is attracted to Mumbles, they’re not interested in her. FAMILY FIRST MAD. FAMILY FIRST SMASH. WHY YOU NO LOOK AT FAMILY FIRST? WHY YOU NO TELL PRINCESS DESIREE UNTIL MUCH DAYS LATER?
Hashtag D-Bag gives some mumble-mouthed explanation about how Princess Desiree had already been through a hard week thanks to Private Buster (THANKS AGAIN, PRIVATE BUSTER), and didn’t think it was appropriate to spring it on her at that time. Hashtag then points out that if Marionette Face truly had all of this integrity and character before it was “stripped,” somehow, he should have admitted to the conversation immediately, instead of trying to change the conversation by yelling about Wilford Brimley googling himself.
Chris Harrison asks El Zorro what he thinks of Marionette Face. “I no want him to date mi hija or mi hermana.” Good answer, El Zorro! Especially since your hija is cuatro years old! Hilariously, Chris Harrison asks Marionette Face if being the next Bachelor is something he would consider, and Marionette Face is all, “Well, I’d have to think about that, Chris Harrison,” because he is an self-absorbed, no-necked halfwit who doesn’t know when he’s being toyed with. Chris Harrison asks “Bachelor Nation” if they would trust Marionette Face in the future, and they practically tear him string from string right there.
Next, since Nick from New Girl didn’t come to the Tell All for his contractually obligated flogging, Chris Harrison invites El Zorro to the chair, explaining that The Producers grossly underestimated his calor, and spent virtually cero tiempo with him, for reasons no claro. And so, they scrape the cuatro or cinco clips they have of El Zorro into a montage, which makes one audience member cry.
¿POR QUÉ LLORAS, AUDIENCE MEMBER? ¡STOP LLORAR, AUDIENCE MEMBER! ¡NADA SAD IS HAPPENING, AUDIENCE MEMBER!
Chris Harrison asks El Zorro why he came on La Bachelorette, and he explains that he is looking for una buena chica who will love his hija. ¿Did you recuerda that he has una hija? Porque he has una hija.
Y he wants una esposa y dos mas children. ¿So, can he be el next Soltero ahora?
Sí, sí you can, El Zorro, y I will even stop calling you that estúpido nickname, prometo. (Although I might still make fun of your ferret ojos which are too close together, porque that’s kinda my trabajo.)
Finally, Nipples Jr. sits down with Chris Harrison to talk about the journal that he gave Princess Desiree that one time, you remember, the one that a father had originally given his daughter and which Nipples thought was an appropriate gift somehow? Well, it seems someone gave Nipples Jr. one of those kids’ spy kits and he wrote a message in the journal for Princess Desiree with invisible ink, which Chris Harrison reads to the audience:
Love is it.
The only reason to open your home to a stranger.
The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom.
No risk is too great.
No apprehension justifiable.
All hope is rooted in it.
Because love is our only hope for happiness.
And I am happy to say, this is love.
LISTEN UP, MANAPES, YOU LISTEN TO ME. NOW: ENOUGH WITH THE BAD POETRY. Love is a creature? Are you sure? Wait a minute, do even you know what love is? You don’t know what love is, do you? AND DO NOT SAY LOVE IS “IT.” BECAUSE THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER. Love is also not, by any measure, a living creature. To your credit, Nipples Jr., you didn’t mangle the language to come up with bad third-grade-level rhymes with inconsistent meter like some people — BIG PUN, I AM LOOKING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION — but by no means is this good poetry. Seriously, not good. But seriously though.
Fortunately, Princess Desiree then comes out, which means we’re towards the end of this pointlessness, and announces to Chris Harrison that she has been anxious about seeing all of her “ex-boyfriends.” Chris Harrison reminds her of her visit to Bacehlorettopia, and emboldened by the memory of Ali telling her to have her guard against the “bad boys'” nonsense, Princess Desiree turns her wrath onto In Your Fantasies, telling him that just remembering what he did makes her “throw up a little” in her mouth. And because she is not allowed to hear what the men say when they are on the stage for some reason, she is completely taken aback when he profusely and genuinely apologizes. “What? Oh? Sorry? Huh. Alright,” she stammers.
Princess Desiree then turns her sights on Prop Daddy, explaining that she always thought there was something insincere about him — that he always said the right thing at the right time, but that the emotion was impossible to gauge (*cough* sociopath *cough*). Prop Daddy keeps that tense, not-quite-right smile tight on his face and explains, again, that when he pursues a woman, he can be aggressive — which is not the same thing as being insincere and creepy, but sure. Prop Daddy also regrets what he said in the limo, that incoherent thing about Hollywood and wanting to be seen in public on dates and whatever, but Wilford Brimley was REALLY MEAN TO HIM, so.
Before Wilford Brimley and Prop Daddy can hijack the show with their meaningless quarrel, Chris Harrison turns Princess Desiree’s attentions to Marionette Face. “Hey, remember this guy? What a jerk, right?” Princess Desiree informs Marionette Face that watching the episodes, she saw just how much he manipulated her and made her feel bad for trusting the other manapes and it was NOT COOL. Marionette Face passively aggressively wishes her the best before whining about how she gets to be in relationships with 25 guys, but that he can’t even consider his options? NOT FAIR. Because Marionette Face has never ever seen this show and has no idea how it works.
Chris Harrison asks Princess Desiree about El Zorro, as he’s going to be El Next Soltero, obviamente, and she’s like, “Uh, I don’t know, he was nice? I didn’t want to drag his hija into it? Bueno suerte, El Zorro.”
Finally, she has to face Nipples Jr. who she explains was simply too positive. In fact, she worried that her own positivity might be too much for him — that he wouldn’t want to come home and share his troubles with her or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t following. But whatever, Nipples Jr. accepts this answer because it’s as good as any, and then he announces that he has another song for her.
PRODUCERS: PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THIS CHIPMUNK-CHEEKED HUMAN PILE OF CHEESE THE NEXT BACHELOR. SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU MAKE HIM THE NEXT BACHELOR, I WILL HUNT HIS STUPID GUITAR DOWN AND SNAP ITS NECK, DRIVE OVER IT WITH MY CAR, AND THEN SET IT ON FIRE. DO NOT TEST ME. DALLAS IS JUST NOT THAT FAR AWAY. IN FACT, ACCORDING TO YOU, IT’S ABOUT FIVE MINUTES DOWN THE ROAD.
And after Princess Desiree wipes away a few fake tears, she hugs Nipples Jr. and thanks the heavens that neither she nor we ever have to sit through another of his stupid songs ever, ever again. AT LEAST WE BETTER NOT, PRODUCERS.
Chris Harrison introduces a blooper reel, which I shan’t dignify with more than the acknowledgment that it was a thing that happened. We are then treated with a preview of the SHOCKING! EMOTIONAL! INTENSE! TWO-PART FINALE! in which everyone cries. Princess Desiree cries, Drew, Not Brandon cries, Mumbles cries, Chris Harrison cries, that one audience member cries, everyone cries!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.