The Bachelorette
July 29, 2013
Welcome to Antigua, world-famous for its pink beaches, black pineapples and groves of crying trees. This lovely Caribbean island is where Princess Desiree will down a couple handfuls of preemptive antibiotics, enjoy the shiver-inducing Fantasy Suites, have her heart broken and possibly end this nonsense once and for all. (Or at least one can hope.)
Before we can get to the Fantasy Suites and the crying, so much crying, all of the crying, we have to endure a “Remember When?” segment while Princess Desiree sails around on a giant yacht for some reason. Remember when Princess Desiree met the 25 men and suddenly realized just what a huge mistake she had made? Remember when that guy who looks like Nick from New Girl had a girlfriend? Remember when Private Buster was like, “Yeah, I’m just not that into you?” Remember when Marionette Face was just so punchable in his weird, wooden face? Remember Wilford Brimley? Remember eliminating El Zorro for no bien reason? Remember Nipples Jr. and his weird chipmunk cheeks?
Princess Desiree then gets off the boat with her suitcase? WAIT, WERE WE SUPPOSED TO THINK SHE ARRIVED ON ANTIGUA ON THAT YACHT? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa. Right, so, Princess Desiree and her suitcase wander around the hotel grounds where she will bed and rank have dates with the three remaining men, whom she also montages for us. Big Pun writes the terrible not-poetry. Drew, Not Brandon has a disabled sister. Mumbles is the one she’s in love with and whom she is going to choose just as soon as she jumps through these last few remaining hoops.
Hoop #1: Fantasy Date with Drew, Not Brandon
Princess Des and Drew, Not Brandon drive around Antigua, make fascinating conversation (“Water is blue!” “Water is turquoise!”), and go to some former military fort to party with a dozen paid extras at a “festival.” Drew, Not Brandon asserts that this is exactly what it would be like if they went on a real vacation together, buying tchotchkes and giggling at the locals and their adorable culture. After politely listening to some steel drums and kissing when the locals demand it, the two have a picnic where they talk about Drew, Not Brandon’s mentally disabled sister, again, because apparently that is the one thing that defines him.
Their beachfront dinner is rained out that evening, so Princess Desiree just cuts to the chase and brings Drew, Not Brandon to Fantasy Suite #1, and is like, “What’s the point of dragging this out, we all know what we’re here for. So are we doing this thing or what?” Drew, Not Brandon burbles excitedly about waking up next to her in the morning, which is one of the most explicit things anyone has ever said about these fantasy dates, I’m pretty sure, and tries to make the whole thing sound less skeevy by talking about how ready he is to marry her, but it doesn’t work. We are all adults here, we know what’s happening. Prettying it up by claiming to be in love might make you feel less embarrassed when your family watches this later, Drew, Not Brandon, but it doesn’t make it any less creepy that you are sleeping with someone on national television. But honestly, though.
MEANWHILE. Back in the States, Mumbles has finally realized just how far along in this process he actually is, and is like, WAIT, WHAT? I MIGHT BE EXPECTED TO GET MARRIED TO THIS LADY WHOSE FACE I CAN BARELY REMEMBER WHEN I AM NOT LOOKING DIRECTLY AT HER BECAUSE I’M LIKE A GOLDFISH OR ONE OF YOUR DUMBER BIRDS? OH NOES! This leads him to make a stop in Boise before heading to Antigua, where he stands contemplatively on footbridges and seeks out his mother’s and sister’s approval to dump Princess Desiree. “Well, yeah, sure, do it,” they say. “What’s it to us?” “I just want to make it clear that I think Whateverherface is a nice lady, and that I’m not a bad guy,” Mumbles mumbles. “Sure, OK,” his mother and sister agree.
Hoop #2: Fantasy Date with Big Pun
Princess Des greets Big Pun wearing a bikini and a bikini vest, which, NO, MA’AM. A BIKINI VEST IS NOT A THING, MISS FASHION DESIGNER. BIKINIS DO NOT NEED VESTS. Why would a bikini need a vest? A cover-up, sure, of course, that’s a thing, but a vest does not cover-up and therefore can not be considered a cover-up, this is dumb, take that off.
Anyway, Princess Desiree meets Big Pun on some rocks and they look at the water for a little while making nattering small-talk until a helicopter arrives and ferries copters them away to their obligatory helicopter/deserted island date. There, they make dumb toasts to Antigua and pink beaches and chat about how great his sister and mother, Megan Mullally, are (and to be fair, Megan Mullally is pretty great) and yammer boringly about baseball and roll around on the beach and draw lines in the sand, literally, not figuratively.
That night at dinner, Big Pun explains that he’s into her and everything, but that he plans on living in Seattle. Is she cool with that? Princess Desiree mmm-hmms a lot, before saying that she’s actually great in California, thanks, but sure, she’d consider living in Seattle, why not. After all, she’s going to dump Big Pun for Mumbles as soon as they get their Fantasy Suite on, why not tell him what he wants to hear?
Princess Desiree explains to Big Pun that his “smirks” always let her know how he was feeling, and that his facial expressions meant a lot to her. Oh, honey, if that’s the best you can do, just open the Fantasy Suite card already and put us all out of our misery. BUT, HA, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT EASY? NOPE. Before we go anywhere, we all must first endure one more (and hopefully the last) of Big Pun’s terrible, terrible poems.
It’s exciting to see how far this journey has taken us
From places I never knew existed to places I’ve longed to see
All experiences you and I have shared together
And now here we are, one week after you met my family
One week from the possibility of forever
And I’m not nervous, I’m excited
It’s hard to deny the connection we’ve made
The chemistry, compatibility, real friendship
Piecing together this journey with new memories
Open to what is to come for us in the future
And excited to spend our lives together forever
Ugh, just go Fantasy Suite already, you two.
Hoop #3: Fantasy Date with Mumbles
BUT FIRST, Mumbles is going to have a little sit down with Chris Harrison and EXPLAIN HISDAMNSELF. Mumbles mumbles that it’s not that Whatsherface isn’t a nice girl, at least what he remembers about her is that she’s very nice. But since he can barely remember what she looks like, he’s pretty sure he’s not in love with her and definitely absolutely positive that he’s not ready to propose. That’d be crazy! Chris Harrison makes judgey faces and nods knowingly while asking that they be perfectly clear here: what Mumbles is saying is that he’s not in love with this stranger The Producers introduced him to 9 weeks ago and with whom he has been on like 3 whole dates? Mumbles mumbles that he’s not sure how he can be more clear on this point, but no, not in love. Chris Harrison drags Mumbles’ parents’ divorce into it for some reason (working out his own parental guilt) and Mumbles is like, “Dude, maybe? Maybe I can’t committ to Princes Desiree because my parents got divored years ago? Or maybe I can’t committ because this isn’t real life and I really don’t know or care about this crazy girl who thinks she’s in love with me. WHO CAN SAY?”
And with that, Chris Harrison sends Mumbles off to break Princess Desiree’s heart. But first, Mumbles stumbles around in a grove of trees and cries.
Meanwhile, Princess Desiree is wandering around the beach obliviously talking about how when Mumbles proposes, she is definitely going to say yes, because dramatic irony is so dramatic.
Mumbles arrives at their meeting spot, and Princess Desiree immediately senses that something is wrong, perhaps because the Lost death theme song is swelling all around them. Mumbles sits her down on a nearby bench and starts in on his, “it’s not you, I can barely remember what you look like; it’s me” speech. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be madly in love with her, it’s that he’s not!
And then the rest of the episode is Princess Desiree weeping piteously, saying that she’s never had her love reciprocated and explaining that she was planning to tell him that she loved him on this date all the while Mumbles mumbles barely audibly that he doesn’t know what to mumble. This goes on for literally HALF AN HOUR. CRYING CRYING CRYING CRYING CRYING CRYING CRYING. Mumble.
JUST THIS, FOR ONE HALF OF ONE HOUR:
While walking him out, Princess Desiree explains to Mumbles that the reason she seemed “conflicted” was that she WAS conflicted: she wanted to just be with him but was trapped on this stupid game show that forced her to go on dates with other guys in the meantime. Mumbles mumbles that he’ll just shut up now, and YEAH, HOW ABOUT YOU DO THAT. Instead, he mumbles “I’m sorry,” about 35 times, even after she tells him to stop it. So Princess Desiree tells him to “go,” that she’ll just go sleep by herself, before giving him a half-hearted hug and running towards a pier where she sits and sobs by herself. Mumbles returns to his crying trees and cries. CRYING. ALL OF THE CRYING. EVERYBODY CRIES. CRRRRRRRRRRRY.
Oh, and Mumbles?
Princess Desiree ends the episode sobbing that she knows she has two guys left who love her, but that she can’t return those feelings, and that for her: IT’S. OVER.
Oh, if only. IF ONLY.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Next week is the finale, and marks the beginning of several Bachelor-free months for us all. Hooray!
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.