The Golden Bachelorette
October 23, 2024
The foreshadowing for this episode is, for a refreshing change, very cute: Joan chats with a boy of about maybe 8, who asks her if she has grandkids. Joan tells him that she in fact does, and that her four-year-old grandson told her to “not kiss any boys.” A dawning horror creeps over this child’s face as he asks, “Did you kiss my grandpa?” and Joan admits she did, adding that it’s “embarrassing.”
It’s Dreaded Hometowns week, in which unsuspecting friends and family are dragged into this mess against their will. Though there are four men left, Joan will only be going to three locations, as two men live in the same city: Reno, Nevada; Chicago, Illinois; and Wichita, Kansas. This is the first time Joan has met someone’s family since Dead Husband back in 1982, because we can’t get two minutes into an episode without a mention of Dead Husband.
Joan begins her cross-country trip in Reno — well, Lake Tahoe, specifically — to visit Dr. Guy. They reunite on a boat dock, where he loads her into a boat and they putter around the lake for a bit. And they’re having fun, and they throw rocks (?) into the lake while making wishes, and he’s talking about all the great memories he and his family have made there, and Joan is like, “And all of this is really beautiful and wonderful and REMINDING ME OF DEAD HUSBAND.”
Joan and Dr. Guy open up to each other about their feelings: Dr. Guy admits it’s difficult for him to not guard his heart but that he knows the prize is worth the risk; Joan confesses that she’s feeling guilty about Dead Husband.
They then head over the mountain into Reno where they meet with Dr. Guy’s adult children, his baby grandson, and his 58 siblings, all of whom have names that also begin with the letter “G.” Joan and Dr. Guy tell the group about the “Senior Prom” date, and then Joan shares the story of Dr. Guy reassuring Charles in Charge about his wife’s death, to demonstrate what a good man Dr. Guy is (restraining orders aside).
Joan talks to two of Dr. Guy’s sisters, Greer and Gayle (I think? there are a LOT of people and even though it is a mathematical impossibility, there are even more “G” names), and they discuss Dr. Guy’s difficult divorce. Greer notes that she lost her own husband when he was 68, and she and Joan commiserate about being widows for a second, before returning to the original point: Dr. Guy is a great guy (when he’s not threatening his ex-wife)(allegedly).
Dr. Guy chats with his daughter who is a little concerned about the whole “three other men” thing, and notes that she doesn’t want to see him get hurt again. I BET NOT. Dr. Guy explains that his children have become parental towards him in something of a role reversal, which, YEAH, I WONDER WHY.
Joan talks with Dr. Guy’s two sons about what a sweet man their father is and how their relationship has been a slow burn. When Dr. Guy chats with these sons, he tells them that on the 1-10 In Love Scale, he’s at a 9.5, and he’s seriously considering proposing.
Dr. Guy’s sisters tell him that Joan is “gorgeous inside and out,” that they look good together, and that they would love to add her to their family. Dr. Guy confesses that he’s “fallen for this woman” and begins tearing up at the idea that he can love and be loved again.
Dr. Guy then walks Joan out where he tells her that he’s “fallen for [her], big time.” Joan doesn’t reciprocate the feelings, but she does insist that he makes her feel “hopeful.”
Joan is then off to Chicago for two Dreaded Hometowns: Frenchie and Pickleball. AND OH MY GOD I JUST NOW REALIZED THAT MY PICKLEBALL-LOVING AUNT ALSO LIVES IN CHICAGO, AND I NEED TO GO CALL HER TO SEE IF SHE KNOWS PICKLEBALL.
(She does not.)
The first date is with Frenchie and after meeting Joan at a coffee shop, he takes her straight to his salon which is very large and pretty fancy and filled with very many stylists. At one point, Frenchie makes Joan wash some stranger’s hair and, honestly, that would be the moment when I noped out.
After giving Joan a manicure and some champagne, the two have a serious one-on-one conversation, where Frenchie explains that he’s had his heart broken many times, leaving him feeling guarded. Frenchie then reveals that he was involved pretty recently with someone he was very in love with, and when his daughter signed him up for the show, he didn’t feel ready. Going through the process, he adds, has made him feel better about himself, but, he adds, he’s “having a little war” within himself.
Joan responds by saying that she had her heart broken in another way, but that she’s glad that they are where they are right now.
They then get into Frenchie’s mid-life crisis mobile and head out to meet his friends, children, and grandson. Upon arriving, his daughter asks what Joan’s first impression of Frenchie was and after hesitating for a moment because there is a child in the room, Joan admits that she found him “sexy.”
Grandchildren everywhere:
Said grandchild, Pryce, is the child in the foreshadowing, and asks Frenchie if he had to share a bed with a bunch of old grandpas, because clearly someone has been watching a lot of Willy Wonka.
But I have to admit, that would have been funny.
Frenchie laughs that he had to share a room with three other grandpas, one of whom snored so loudly he had to kick him out. Frenchie does not include the detail that he was naked when he did so, to his grandson’s relief even if he doesn’t know it.
Joan first chats with Frenchie’s charming son, Maxim, who tells her that his father has had a lot of girlfriends, but that he is absolutely ready to settle down, and is sick of dating.
When Frenchie chats with his son, they mostly talk about the Father’s Day card Maxim wrote for him ahead of leaving for the show and how it made Frenchie feel like he had done a good job as a dad. Frenchie claims that Joan has given him the courage to show his more emotional side.
Joan chats with Frenchie’s daughter Natalia who, without question, is the most invested in this entire thing. She says they are such a good fit and that she feels like family. Joan agrees that she loves Frenchie’s family, but that she’s worried that Frenchie won’t pick her, too, but Natalia insists that he will.
Joan then has her cute exchange with Frenchie’s grandson mentioned above, while Frenchie visits with his daughter. Natalia tells Frenchie that Joan’s great, while he worries about the logistics of being in a relationship with her.
Once alone again, Joan tells Frenchie that she loves his family and that she’s looking forward to the next chapter. In her narration, however, Joan worries that Frenchie is not ready and may never get there.
You said it, Joan, not me. (I mean, aside from all the times when I said it above.)
Joan’s next date is conveniently enough also in Chicago with Pickleball. They eat deep dish pizza; a slice of cake; and do a shot of … something on a bridge over the Chicago River.
The two of them then head to meet his family, his brothers, his two daughters, and their partners. Upon meeting the family, Pickleball tells them about the ice skating date, and Joan takes great pleasure in telling them about his spectacular fall. One of his brothers asks if Pickleball thinks he’s ready for a proposal in two weeks, before noting that he himself met his wife in June and they were engaged by August, and they’ve been happily married for 38 years.
Joan chats with the brothers, who talk about Pickleball’s unconditional love for his kids, and how much they missed him while he was gone.
Oh, well, hmm. That’s very sweet, but it’s also going to absolutely be a dealbreaker as there’s no way Pickleball will ever move away from them, and Joan is NOT leaving Maryland.
Pickleball visits with one of his daughters, Jamie, telling her that he and Joan have had deep conversations, each one more natural than the last. However, he’s not ready to tell her he loves her in two weeks.
Joan talks with his other daughter, Ali, who laughs at how chaotic their family is, before noting that her father hasn’t dated anyone seriously since her parents’ divorce 10 years ago. Joan tells Ali that their relationship has become deeper over time, but that she feels like he’s put up a buffer, and that other men are much more open than her father. Ali comes away from the conversation sad for her father that he’s still putting up walls because of the divorce.
Ali confronts her father about not being vulnerable with Joan, and he seems surprised by this, before acknowledging that he should be more vocal about his feelings, especially as this is getting close to the wire.
As he walks Joan out, she notes that it was a great day with his family, very natural, no awkwardness, and Pickleball insists that they are making “big steps” and that he thinks it’s “worth trying;” he wouldn’t still be there if he didn’t think it was worth trying.
OK, but we all agree he doesn’t really believe that.
And then we are off to Wichita, Kansas … or, more accurately, some ranch outside of Wichita, Kansas to meet Chock Full o’ Soup and his entire family and every single family friend.
Chock Full o’ Soup has chosen to save his mother’s memorial service for the Dreaded Hometowns which I have … feelings about.
On the one hand, this poor man’s mother died while he was off filming a reality dating show. On the other hand, maybe he shouldn’t have left his 90-something mother who had Stage 4 cancer to go film a reality dating show that would require him to be away from her from 6 to 8 weeks. On the one hand, this was the first and best time for him to honor her memory on account of being on the reality dating show. On the other hand, maybe he shouldn’t have high-tailed it back to the reality dating show and instead stayed home to be with his kids and siblings in the aftermath of his mother’s death. On the one hand, it seems emotionally manipulative to bring a date to one’s parent’s funeral service on a date and to FILM IT. On the other hand … I don’t have another hand, I’m afraid. That’s just gross.
The long and short of it is as someone who memorialized her own father 6 months ago and who knows how much a parent’s death — even when it is well-anticipated — upends one’s entire life, this whole thing feels disrespectful.
I do not like Chock Full o’ Soup.
Chock Full o’ Soup introduces Joan to his children, Taylor and Tyler and because it is not their fault their parents were PATHOLOGICALLY UNIMAGINATIVE with their names, I will not make fun of them here. Also, they seem perfectly nice.
Chock Full o’ Soup tells the assembled that he had “the first date, the first kiss, and is going to get the last kiss,” and I am here to remind him THIS IS YOUR MOTHER’S FUNERAL, SIR.
Chock Full o’ Soup introduces Joan to Mr. Tom, who is his dead fianceé’s father. And I will give Chock Full o’ Soup points for not just having a relationship with this gentleman, but introducing him to Joan.
I give those points begrudgingly.
So, the group plants a tree in honor of Chock Full o’ Soup’s mother and her “extraordinary life.” And I am not putting that in scare quotes: it sounds like Chock Full o’ Soup’s mother, Dr. Jill Cobb Thomas, did live extraordinarily. I’m just not convinced she would want to be memorialized on a spin-off of The Bachelor.
NOTE TO MY CHILDREN: DO NOT BROADCAST MY FUNERAL ON THE BACHELOR OR ANY BACHELOR-AFFILIATED SERIES. OR ANY REALITY SERIES OF ANY DESCRIPTION.
(That counts as a will, right?)
After Joan — a total stranger — scoops some dirt on the memorial tree for a woman she never met, we get to the “chatting with the family” portion of the Dreaded Hometowns. Joan tells Tyler and Taylor that she’s crazy about their father, and they tell her that he talks about her “constantly.” Joan adds that it meant so much to her when he returned to the show so quickly after their grandmother died, and I’m sure they are very happy for her.
For his part, Chock Full o’ Soup tells a friend that he’s “crazy” about Joan.
Joan then chats with Mr. Tom, who tells her that he’s not seen Chock Full o’ Soup as passionate about another woman since his daughter. Joan tells Mr. Tom that she received her mother-in-law’s blessing to date again, and that she appreciates Chock Full o’ Soup’s relationship with Mr. Tom. Mr. Tom tells Joan that he hopes she chooses him.
Chock Full o’ Soup talks with his father who admits he is “in shock” he did this and that he they think he’s in love with Joan — or rather that they are in love with each other. Chock Full o’ Soup talks about not wanting to be hurt again, but Dad urges him to give in be vulnerable.
As he walks Joan out to the Go To The Airport Van, Joan tells Chock Full o’ Soup that she feels like her guilt about moving on from Dead Husband is a good thing because it means that there is something real between them.
In turn, Chock Full o’ Soup tells Joan that he’s falling for her, and asks her to promise to not break his heart, adding that he is falling IN LOVE with her, in case she didn’t hear him the first time.
With that, Joan is back in Malibu and bracing herself for her most difficult rose ceremony ever. Kinda.
Rose #1: Chock Full o’ Soup
Rose #2: Dr. Guy
Rose #3: Frenchie
Which means we say goodbye to Pickleball who made it VERY CLEAR he was done with this nonsense, thank you very much, and who takes his leave graciously. Meanwhile, Dr. Guy is in full-on old man tears for some reason.
ALRIGHT, GRANDPAS, TIME TO GO TO TAHITI! But don’t get too excited, because she’s not ready, y’all.
Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:
The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesday on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.