‘The Bachelorette’: The Men Tell All and reveal nothing

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 20

The Bachelorette
August 14, 2023

The Dreaded Hometowns might be my least favorite episode in the Bachelor/Bachelorette repertoire, but the “Women/Men Tell All” specials are a VERY close second. It’s just a glorified clip show filled with yelling and so much talking over that it’s hard to follow — or care — about anything anyone is saying, but even if you did care, very little new is ever revealed.

This season is no exception; and might, in fact, be the worst episode of this season. It might actually be worse than the Dreaded Hometowns. Most of Charity’s men are actually pretty decent guys which means we had very few villains and little drama: there are only two guys that really require any sort of conversation. And so the rest of the episode — two hours for no GOOD GODDAMNED REASON — is filled with a fake scandal built around a dude who was sent home on the first night, former Bachelorettes, some Cajun guy, and the GrandBachelor. It’s long, boring, and unenlightening.

It’s a “Men Tell All” special, in other words.

The men who are “telling all” this time around include:

After the obligatory montage of the season and all the bickering, Jesse Palmer begins by asking Kick Me In the Balls if he regrets asking Charity to kick him in the balls on the first night. Kick Me In the Balls explains that it was about making himself vulnerable and he regrets nothing. And now we never have to think about this weirdo ever again, thank you very much.

Jesse Palmer then gets right to the chase, inviting Big Check to attack Dangly Earrings. Big Check happily obliges, telling Dangly Earrings that he feels like Dangly Earrings was manipulative and that he never had any intention of “getting there” with Charity. Dangly Earrings’ response is basically, “I know you are, but what am I?” to which Big Check clarifies: yes, he had doubts about being able to be the man to propose to Charity, but that had to do with doubts about himself, not about Charity. In contrast, Dangly Earrings was out here talking to anyone who would listen about how he felt she was being fake.

The other men, including Cap’n Chicago and Sad Pop Song, give Dangly Earrings shit for coming back to talk to her after she had sent him home, thereby taking time away from other men.

Tall Adrian then pivots to Dangly Earrings having a tantrum because she kissed another man on a date …. that he wasn’t even on. If seeing her kiss another man (which — again — he did not do) bothered him so much, WHAT IS HE DOING ON A SHOW WHERE HE IS ONE OF 25 MEN TO DATE THE SAME WOMAN?

Jesse Palmer makes a Yosef’s Daughter joke about the kissing date, which would have been a lot funnier if Firebug hadn’t beat him to it.

Dangly Earrings tries to defend himself, claiming that yes, he called everyone fake, but that’s because everyone is fake, including now, pointing out that some of the men have been self-censoring themselves during this special and not using the curse words they clearly were thinking. But is that “being fake?” Or just trying to avoid being bleeped on TV?

Dangly Earrings then claims that contrary to what the men told Charity, he never called her “classless.” The men, the audience, and I all disagree, but apparently this is a case of the Mandela Effect, because when they cut to commercial, producers slap up a title card that reads: “A search was made of Dangly Earrings calling Charity classless. None was found.”

Jesse Palmer gives Towelie a chance to beat up on Dangly Earrings for a while, and Towelie explains that his frustration with him is that Dangly Earrings received so much validation from Charity that the other men would have killed for: He received the First Impression Rose and a wonderful one-on-one date. And yet, every week, Dangly Earrings just became more and more negative about the entire experience.

Dangly Earrings responds that you’d become negative, too, if a bunch of dudes were constantly talking shit about you to the girl you were dating. Dangly Earrings then tries to claim that his biggest mistake was forgetting to be manipulative, and remember that he’s playing a game.

Of all the mistakes Dangly Earrings made on this show, “not being manipulative enough” is certainly not amongst them, but do go on.

We spend a little time talking about the time when Big Check pissed everyone off after the Barbie date, what with his dumb little song and the plopping his “keister,” as Apple Cider puts it, on the couch where he knew Charity would be sitting, to taking more time with Charity after he had already spent the afternoon with her.

And before we move on, I need to show you what Apple Cider chose to wear to the Men Tell’s All Special:

Dork.

And then some guy I do not recognize decides to pipe in, but before he can say whatever it is he’s trying to say, Ric Flair is like, “WHOA WHOA WHOA, WHO ARE YOU?” Someone reminds him that this is Pilot Pete, Jr., who was sent home one the first night, and Ric Flair is like, “OH SO THIS IS THE GUY!”

Jesse Palmer interrupts to ask what this is all about, and Pilot Pete, Jr. explains that after filming, he found out from Dangly Earrings that the other men had been mocking him by adding an “FP” in the captions of their social media posts, and that it stood for “Fuck Pilot Pete, Jr.” Poor Pilot Pete, Jr., he has NO IDEA what this was even about? Why all the hate, guys?

Almost-Dr. X immediately apologizes and admits that it was an immature and shitty thing to do — which, let’s be clear before I move on, it was. But the rest of the men were like, “Dude, you were AWFUL on the first night. You didn’t bother to get to know any of us, you made a point of posing for the camera and starting a conversation about who you thought wasn’t there for the ‘right reasons,’ and even after being eliminated on the first night, you were out here afterward talking about endorsement deals, and monetizing this entire ‘FP’ bullshit. Stop playing like you’re a victim.”

Jesse Palmer finally brings Dangly Earrings up to the proverbial “hot seat,” and after a montage of his dickery, Jesse Palmer asks Dangly Earrings for his thoughts. Dangly Earrings notes how only after watching the show back did he realize that Charity had real feelings for him. Which in a way is kinda sad, and reveals just how deeply insecure this man is.

Dangly Earrings also admits that he just didn’t think he was ready to propose at the end of this — which, again, that’s fine? But maybe don’t go on a show where an engagement is expected?

Jesse Palmer asks Dangly Earrings about his choice to interrupt the group date after Charity had sent him home, and he explains that he wasn’t thinking about the other men and their time with Charity, he was only thinking about apologizing to her.

Jesse Palmer asks Dangly Earrings if he was surprised at just how angry the other men were, and he’s like, “I am not an aggressive person, Jesse Palmer, but I was about to throw down. Also, there was no driver in the van, so A-A-RON yelling at no one to drive away was an interesting choice.” And even I have to admit, that’s kinda funny.

We then have to discuss Dangly Earrings’ earrings, and Dangly Earrings gives Jesse Palmer a pair of clip-ons to try.

Oh, and there’s a clip of him on Paradise, because OF COURSE he’s going to be on Paradise, but who cares?

Next in the “hot seat” is Almost-Dr. X. During the montage, the audience is VERY vocally supportive of Charity when she dumps his ass in Fiji. Jesse Palmer asks Almost-Dr. X about his feelings watching it back and Almost-Dr. X is like, “Well, it’s pretty tough. That conversation in Fiji did not actually go the way I had hoped.”

OH NO? IT DIDN’T? WHYCOME?

Almost-Dr. X explains that he needed to be honest with her, but he fucked it all up. Jesse Palmer asks him about telling Charity that he loved her for the first time as she was putting him in the GO AWAY NOW van — a detail that I apparently didn’t notice at the time because I was still so flabbergasted at Almost-Dr. X’s AUDACITY in the moments leading up to that — and he tries to explain that he just wanted her to know how he truly felt about her and it wasn’t a play to make her change her mind about sending him home.

Almost-Dr. X then further explains that he didn’t tell her that he loved her earlier because of his fear of not having love reciprocated. And I believe this! I believe him here!

But also:

At this point, we bring Charity out to face this collection of ding dongs. Jesse Palmer asks her to go back to night one, and she talks about how she just immediately clicked with Dangly Earrings and his charismatic energy. She then addresses Dangly Earrings, telling him that while it was nice to meet him, she was taken aback by his comments about wanting her to “turn off The Bachelorette and be herself.” Charity assures him that she has been 100% her authentic self, and that and the end of the day she realizes that she gave him more grace than she should have, but that ultimately she’s grateful for the entire experience.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a proper Southern lady tells someone to fuck all the way off.

Big Check invites himself up to the couch to sit next to Charity to tell her that she was a wonderful Bachelorette and had “grace and class.” Jesse Palmer is like, “Excuse me, who invited you up here?”

A couple of other men talk to Charity, but it’s boring and pointless. Finally, Almost-Dr. X is actually invited to the couch where he opens with, “CHEATING IS VERY BAD!” He then goes on to say that he wanted to be with her in his heart but that he still had some doubt in his min. He was trying to tell her that he could be a faithful person, but that it all came out wrong.

Charity points out that they were a week away from a proposal, and that they should have had this conversation at the Dreaded Hometowns, or in New Orleans, or even as far back as Washington because it would have SAVED HER A LOT OF PAIN.

ALSO, WHAT WAS THAT BULLSHIT WHERE HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER ONLY AS SHE WAS PUTTING HIM IN THE CAR? Almost-Dr. X tries to claim he just wanted her to know how he felt about her but she’s not buying it.

Charity then confronts him about how when she asked him if he was ready for a commitment, he told her “marriage scares” him, SO HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT? Almost-Dr. X tries to explain that marriage is scary: you worry about marrying the wrong person or getting married at the wrong time, and he allowed that fear to consume him. Also, that whole thing where he said he needed to have sex with her to figure out if he could be committed to her? Yeah, he knows how that sounds, but it wasn’t really about sex … it was about … spending the night with her.

Almost-Dr. X ends this nightmare by telling Charity that he’s still in love with her and that he’s happy that they could have some kind of closure. He then goes backstage and retrieves a rose that he knitted for her.

We then fill the rest of the two hours with:

  • that Cajun guy who gave Charity, Big Check, and Towelie a swamp tour who then gives Big Check a rose for some reason
  • bloopers
  • three old Bachelorettes
  • Gerry — pronounced “Gary” — the new GrandBachelor who seems like much too nice a person for this garbage

ALRIGHT, THAT’S IT, I’LL SEE YOU KNUCKLEHEADS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FINALE.

The Men Who Are Soon Going to be Dumped by Charity:

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Charity:

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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