January 24, 2022
We’ve been away from Bachelor Nation for two whole weeks now, but, alas, our taste of sweet, sweet freedom has come to an end. We pick up where we left off a fortnight ago: Clayton has just learned that Toy Car Villain has a side piece back home. He is SHOCKED! and DISAPPOINTED! and consulting with Jesse Palmer on what the rules say about taking back a rose that has already been handed out. Jesse Palmer insists that there are no rules here, but I would very much like to have a conversation with ABC’s lawyers about THAT.
Meanwhile, inside, Cassidy is telling the other women that yeah, Back to the Future talked shit about her to Clayton, but what’s he gonna do, take his rose back?
Clayton eventually asks to speak to Toy Car Villain, and the pair go outside. There, before he can say anything, Toy Car Villain is all, “I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY,” but when he asks if she had been seeing someone right before coming on the show, she’s all, “WHAT? MY WORD! ABSOLUTELY NOT! THAT IS NOT WHERE I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING WITH THIS! WHY, I HAVEN’T BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP SINCE 2019!”
Clayton is all, “Yeah, that’s not what I heard … ” And realizing that she’s probably been caught, Toy Car Villain attempts to parse her words: Yes, OK, there’s a guy, but not one with whom she wants to be in a relationship. And yes, she might have FaceTimed him right before the first night, but he fully supports her finding love on this dumb show!
Clayton, reeling, stalks off, and Toy Car Villain flees sobbing to the upstairs bathroom. While the other women speculate about what the hell is going on, Clayton follows Toy Car Villain upstairs to finish their conversation. There, Toy Car Villain again repeats that yeah, she has a fuckbuddy, but it’s not something that has a future, and she hopes it doesn’t mess up this thing between them.
Clayton agrees that he thought they had a genuine connection — at which point, Toy Car Villain kisses him on the cheek …
Clayton then clarifies: he just wanted to hear her side of the story before he sent her ass home. Toy Car Villain protests that NO ONE CARES ABOUT HIM AS MUCH AS SHE DOES. NO OTHER WOMAN GLOWS THE WAY SHE DOES WHEN SHE SEES HIM. SHE WAS FALLING INTO … SOMETHING … WITH HIM.
With that, Clayton walks her downstairs and into the GET OUT SUV, while the other women — with the exception of Monster Truck Villain, of course — talk about how mean Toy Car Villain was to them. “She asked me what I was going to say in my exit interview,” one woman hilariously reveals. And that, friends, shows real commitment to being the true asshole in the house. I’m almost sorry to see her go.
But don’t worry, there’s still another monster roaming the halls of the Bachelor McMansion, and there is absolutely zero chance the producers are going to allow Clayton to eliminate her in tonight’s Rose Ceremony:
Rose #1: German Sausage
Rose #2: Pilot Rachel
Rose #3: That Snitch SErene
Rose #4: Back to the future
Rose #5: Teddy Bear
Rose #6: H-Town
Rose #7: Death Threat
Rose #8: Bachelor Groupie
Rose #9: Dr. Kira
Rose #10: Marinara
Rose #11: Olympian
Rose #12: Cake Girl
Rose #13: Snake Charmer
Rose #14: Bouncy Shoes
Rose #15: Family Heirloom
Rose #16: Monster Truck Villain
Because you can’t eliminate two villains in one episode. SEE, JESSE PALMER: THERE ARE SOME BACHELOR RULES AFTER ALL. LEARN SOMETHING, YOU DOOFUS.
This means we must say goodbye to Cosplay; Asset; and Tiny Bottles of Booze who in this same episode gave us the expression, “HOLY SHIRTS AND PANTS” because this IS, in fact, The Bad Place.
Anyway, goodbye ladies. I don’t expect we’ll see you again as you have fallen in that very narrow lane of gone too early to be remembered, but also not eliminated on the first night and therefore granted a Bachelor in Paradise Fast Pass so that everyone else in Paradise can be like, “Who the hell is she?”
When we return from the commercial break we are given a stark warning: SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER COMING UP, so sounds like the first group date is gonna be a happy funtime.
Jesse Palmer delivers the date card: “That Snitch Serene; Hannah Brown, Jr.; German Sausage; Marinara; Olympian; Snake Charmer; Cake Girl; Death Threat: I see you. Love, Clayton.”
The women meet Clayton at a theater somewhere on Hollywood Boulevard where waiting for them on a darkened stage are several chairs and one Kaitlyn Bristowe looking Very Serious. She invites the women on the stage and explains that they are about to Go Deep: she — a podcast host and former spin class instructor — is going to lead them in a group therapy session.
THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEAN WHEN I URGE YOU PEOPLE TO GO TO THERAPY.
Kaitlyn begins by asking everyone to stand up if there are parts of themselves they are not proud of, and, of course, they all stand up because who is going to be the asshole to remain seated and be like, “Nah, I’m good.”
Clayton goes first: He put up walls in his last relationship and wasn’t 100% himself in the past.
And I’m not saying I’m getting Colton vibes from that comment, you are.
Don’t look at me that way, you know exactly what I mean.
Anyway. The women then follow suit, saying that they are basically exactly the same as Clayton before revealing traumas that are not remotely the same: Cake Girl claims that she self sabotages in relationships; Marinara says she was bullied at school and at home by her stepsisters; That Snitch Serena says she struggled with body issues; Olympian admits she is nervous about discussing race on the show; and Snake Charmer admits that her ex forced her to go to the gym, dye her hair, and wear colored contacts to look like someone else.
GOOD LORD, WHAT?
PAGING ALL INTERNET TROLLS!— The Final Rosè 🍷🌹 (@finalrosebabeee) January 25, 2022
Your next mission is to find Hunter’s ex and DESTROY HIM. #TheBachelor
The conversation returns to Clayton who reveals that he was a pudgy middle schooler — because that’s a thing that happens to some boys in 7th grade — and it made him self-conscious about his body. And the women are all, “OH MY GOD, MEN CAN HAVE BODY ISSUES, TOO?” And then I have to remind myself that the average age of this group is 23 and that 7th grade was literally half of their life ago and they know absolutely nothing.
And before we move on, let me just note a couple of things about this “therapy session.” Because while in theory, I appreciate a date on this show — even a group date — that intends to dive deeper and get past surface-level shit, 1. This whole thing feels like trauma cosplay 2. Maybe if we’re going to ask these people to open up about the most awful things that have happened to them we have a real therapist on hand instead of a forme Peloton instructor and 3. How about we not pretend to talk about body positivity on a show that refuses to cast anyone larger than a size 6.
That night, the group heads to the cocktail party, and Clayton claims that based on these women’s willingness to open up today, he’d give out eight roses if he could. Good news! You can give all of them roses — at the rose ceremony! AND TRUST ME, I WILL BE KEEPING TRACK.
The group date goes fine, there’s no drama. He makes out with a bunch of people, Hannah Brown, Jr. in particular, and ultimately gives the rose to German Sausage after she stages a whole Stuart Smalley moment with him.
Back at the house, the one-on-one date card is delivered: “Tony the Tiger: Falling in love is full of surprises. Love, Clayton.” The other women tell Tony the Tiger that they are happy for her, but not Monster Truck Villain who is genuinely befuddled by kindness.
The date brings Clayton and Tony the Tiger downtown where they are greeted by Former Bachelorette Becca. There, she explains that they will be performing a scavenger hunt together. In their panties.
Clayton and Tony run around downtown Los Angeles in matching fairly modest underpants, doing things like “getting ice cream” and “hitting piñatas” and “singing off-key on the steps of some building to the two disinterested security guards who are the only people in the area.”
That night, they have fake dinner at that Van Gogh light exhibit that is endlessly advertised to me on Facebook. There, Tony the Tiger reveals that she was adopted and struggled with her feelings about it. She notes that it shaped her and how she envisions her future and what she wants for her family and future children. She then becomes emotional about how not judgmental he is and how comfortable he makes her feel. And he reciprocates, noting that she was very supportive of him on their underwear date.
And not that I was counting, but the word “like” is used by both of them no fewer than 98 times in this five-minute conversation.
Clayton offers her the date rose, and a string quartet joins them to play “Clair de Lune” while they make out.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOUSE, THERE ARE SOME SHRIMP DRAMAZ.
Family Heirloom made some garlic butter shrimp, and, just to be nice, decided to share with the house. At this point, there are 18 women in the house, one of whom is on the one-on-one date, leaving 17 women in the market for some shrimp. Family Heirloom made 15 shrimp.
Now admittedly, that’s a weirdly low number of shrimp to offer to that many people. I don’t know where the shrimp came from, if Family Heirloom was just making do with what was available, and then was being generous and offered the shrimp to everyone, but these are the numbers we are dealing with: 15 shrimp; 17 women.
Guess how many shrimp Monster Truck Villain took.
Go ahead, guess.
She took 8. She took more than half of the available shrimp.
As Family Heirloom notes when she discovers the shrimp-hoggery, “There are two things Monster Truck Villain can’t keep out of her mouth: my name and shrimp.”
To Monster Truck Villain’s moderate credit, she senses that the McMansion is not pleased with her shrimp greed, and decides to make and share some shrimp of her own. But when
no one only a couple of people take her up on her shrimp offer, Monster Truck Villain turns it into one more example of how she’s a victim and being bullied in the house.
Having rewatched this shrimp conflict because I take this job VERY SERIOUSLY, a couple of things.
- It would appear that Monster Truck Villain maybe cooked her shrimp in the same pan that Family Heirloom had used — as in the same butter garlic mixture instead of making her own, though I am just speculating there.
- But also, this suggests there were more shrimp in the house than just the 15 Family Heirloom prepared? So why did she only make 15 shrimp for 17 people?
- And then Monster Truck goes around offering her shrimp to people, claiming that everyone ignored her. But they show women taking her up on her shrimp offer, including Family Heirloom who is shown at one point holding a plate with shrimp on it. They did not ignore her, full stop.
Later, the final date card is delivered: “Bachelor Groupie; Pilot Rachel; Dr. Kira; Bouncy Shoes; H-Town; Back to the Future; Teddy Bear; Family Heirloom; and Monster Truck Villain: Loves a beach. Love, Clayton.”
The date begins simply enough: the women meet Clayton at the beach and play some football. But the game is interrupted by one Nicole Eggert, former co-star of Charles in Charge, Baywatch, and bane of Scott Baio’s existence. She rides up on an ATV in one of the classic Baywatch red bathing suits and explains that the women are going to go through lifeguard training of their own.
And I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that the limited series about Nicole Eggert’s onetime co-star Pamela Anderson, Pam & Tommy, is going to be released next week on ABC’s streaming sibling Hulu. I’m sure this whole Baywatch-themed date has nothing to do with subtly priming viewers for that at all.
ANYWAY. The women change into their own Baywatch bathing suits. Their first lesson is slathering sunscreen on one another, and Monster Truck Villain volunteers to do Clayton. Sadly for Clayton, she only applies it to his nipples.
The result is tragic.
The ladies then learn to do sexy CPR, save people from the ocean, and, of course, the iconic slow-mo Baywatch run.
In the end, Nicole Eggert chooses Bachelor Groupie as the winner, and she and Clayton go off by themselves for a celebratory glass of champagne.
That night at the cocktail party, Pilot Rachel whines to Clayton that the other women are claiming to be receiving validation from him, and she doesn’t know what she’s getting. He suggests that she not let the other women get in her head, pointing out that when he was on The Bachelorette, he realized the other men were talking themselves up. Of course, he was eliminated on the sixth week, but sure. She tells him that she thinks their connection is different than everyone else’s. They make out.
Bachelor Groupie comes to the cocktail party with aloe vera lotion for his sunburn and smears it all over his torso. They make out.
Then Monster Truck Villain chats with Clayton and uses all of her time to claim that Family Heirloom is still bullying her, and the other women aren’t speaking to her when Family Heirloom is around. She then turns on the waterworks, whimpering that she just never knows when she is going to be yelled at or victimized.
Note: She has never been yelled at.
They make out.
And even Monster Truck Villain can’t believe that Clayton believed her. “I was good … holy shit, I was good. And I didn’t mean to cry, but I cried,” she brags in an interview.
She’s a real piece of work.
Clayton then uses his time with Family Heirloom to confront her about Monster Truck Villain’s allegations about her bullying, adding that Monster Truck Villain feels like her mental health is “wavering.”
Family Heirloom’s face is all of us:
Family Heirloom encourages Clayton to literally ask ANYONE else in the house: she’s not bullying Monster Truck Villain; she has nothing against her. In fact, she made her lunch the other day. Family Heirloom adds that she’s been having to fend off these lies the entire time she’s been on the show, and, crying, adds that she doesn’t feel like she can even talk to him because she’s just constantly being questioned.
Clayton, who admits he’s “confused” — not that it would be difficult to confuse this refrigerator with teeth — urges Family Heirloom to just make nice with Monster Truck Villain.
Family Heirloom returns and tells some of the women about the shitshow Monster Truck Villain left for her, when H-Town, virtually in tears herself, joins them and asks if they think that she’s bullied Monster Truck Villain — because that’s what Clayton just accused her of.
PIECE. OF. WORK.
When Monster Truck Villain joins the women they are like, “Genuinely: what the fuck?” Monster Truck Villain, once again, claims that no one is nice to her when Family Heirloom is around, and Family Heirloom is like, “BITCH, I MADE YOU SHRIMP.”
Family Heirloom adds, “Look if you want to spend your time with Clayton talking about me …” only to have Monster Truck Villain interrupt to insist that Family Heirloom is the LAST thing on her mind. Family Heirloom is like, “I am the ONLY thing on your mind when you’re talking to Clayton,” which Monster Truck Villain confirms by saying, “That’s because you’re shitty, you’re fake, you’re two-faced …” before declaring that she’s DONE.
Clayton finally joins the group and offers the group date rose to Bachelor Groupie. But before he leaves, he threatens that he is REALLY FRUSTRATED and going to address something at the rose ceremony tomorrow.
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Clayton:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.